Any Other Adoptees Here? (Posts from non-adoptees also welcome)

[Uli]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I'm not adopted but my niece and nephew were adopted at 18 and 24 months from orphanages in Russia. My nephew is already kind of struggling with it. The Russian system is set up to be absolutely closed-- there is no way for them to ever learn where they came from and i worry about that for them.

The other thing i worry about is that they do not know they had a stillborn brother. When they find out, won't they wonder what would have happened if that baby had lived?

Those are rhetorical questions, i am not here to request emotional labor from adoptees. I just came to read the thread to glean clues for what kind of support an aunt might offer as these kids grow up, bc i adore them like seriously big time and would sell my soul to shield them from even the slightest existential distress

I so appreciate you being thoughtful about emotional labor. And existential distress is the exact right phrase to describe one of the effects of being adopted. I happen to feel like offering some emotional labor even though you didn't ask for it I don't have all the answers, obviously, because if I did I would not feel so spun out! But, here is what I do know: they need space to feel their feelings. Adults often want to shield kids from stress by putting every possible positive spin on adoption: "You are special because you were chosen." "Your birth mom loved you enough to give you a life she couldn't provide." etc and so on. And it's not that any of that is necessarily wrong, but it does leave a kid likely to feel some shame about their complicated feelings related to being adopted. In order to offer meaningful support to adoptees, I think you have to get really good at "both/and" - like, "I am so happy that you are in my life, and it's totally reasonable that you have some fucked up feelings about your adoption and early life."