Negotiating Silence

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Arwen

I am snipping your post for space rather than ignoring any of it. I think I have a personal issue with confrontation. I want to talk things out. I want to find out WHY someone feels a need to bitch about me behind my back. I will GO to the person I am told is talking about me. I want to have a conversation and maybe some resolution, you know?

However, I am slowly coming to realize that that is ME wanting others to toe my party line. And if I am not willing to toe theirs, how can I demand they toe mine? Right?

The idea of ridicule as a silencer is important to me. Again, something I've done. I'm working on the idea of mirror a lot so I am focusing on me-me-me for many of my discussions.

Ridicule is scarily close to teasing. I tease a lot. I've crossed the line and been called on it (thank you to those who were kind/brave/honest enough to have a discussion with me about it). I am really working on the kindness thing myself. Some see it as artificial. I know my "seek joy, y'all" has been met with laughter. It's all good. I don't need to have my personal journey match anyone else's.

But when I find others who gossip and ridicule me, then I find that I do not need them in my life. Life is hard enough without having to deal with people who choose that particular path. And, smile, it's just another path. I just don't want to walk it, that's all.

I think sometimes folks see my statements as peripheral put-downs. Not so. If anything, they are reminders to myself of what I can and can not tolerate in my own life from myself. Again, learning that I can only control me is an interesting lesson.

So I find gossip silencing and you, Apoca, may find it liberating because you don't have to hear it about yourself. I think it is others trying to get me to fit their world and you see it as unimportant in your world. I like the way you see it. Maybe I can wrestle my poor self-esteem around to seeing it your way.

Did I state how you see it correctly? I don't mean to diminish your voice.

I used to want everyone to like me, but (and maybe its my antidepressants ) I just choose not to care any more. I have plenty of friends who do like me, to the point I end up having to neglect them due to time constraints.

I also am not very confrontational and I hate hate hate being told what to do, so yeah, not having to hear what people think of my kitchen counters or whatever is liberating. (except my G/F and in-laws are Northern so I still get told what to do A LOT.)

Teasing I often do not get (understand). I have been made fun of my entire life for not being able to get jokes, not liking to be jumped out at, dunked in the pool, etc. Ridiculing just seems mean and I am trying to eradicate mean from my life. Hopefully I can find ways to be funny that are not at anyone else's expense.

I really like "see joy y'all" and hope its OK if I use it.

I like what you say about our only being able to control ourselves. Your analogy of only being able to control what is inside our own hula hoop is something I try to keep in mind.

This is a great discussion and it helps to better understand that often your posts are about you and not how you think others should act. This makes sense and I will keep it in mind. Thank you so much for discussing!