Dating a Trans Person (FTM)

[Melissa]

Originally Posted by Zora77

Since I have ‘transitioned’ from a lesbian to a queer femme I have dated butches who fall on the more masculine side of the spectrum. Currently I am dating someone who did identify as butch when we met and recently started to openly acknowledge that he is transgendered, and feels like a male.

Although I don’t have a problem with this and try to be supportive, I have to acknowledge that this change affects me too as his partner. Some of the things I struggle with are: remembering to refer to him as ‘he’ (which is harder than it sounds because until recently ‘he’ referred to himself as ‘she’); dealing with raised eyebrows from friends when I refer to my ‘boyfriend’ (which from their perspective definitely requires an explanation) and deal with their lack of understanding; wondering what this means for my own identity (does that make me straight?), etc.

At this point he choses not to take T but since he does not pass and is struggling with this issue, I feel that the last word is not spoken on hormones. I don’t want to worry about problems that are that have not occurred and may never occur – but I still wonder about how the use of hormones affects the relationship (I have heard that T impacts a person’s demeanor, mood and could change in parts someone’s personality). On the flipside of that – if he sticks with his decision not to take T, I wonder how his struggle of always being perceived differently than he feels inside will affect him and our relationship.

I have been reading some the discussions by FTMs and transfolks on this site and am hugely grateful for being able to learn from the different perspectives (and would love to learn more from you!). In addition I think it would be great to hear from partners of FTMs, transgendered, transmasulin, etc. identified individuals about challenges to the relationship and how they were overcome. I’d appreciate everything you are willing to share. Thank you in advance!

P.S. Just to be clear - I do not only anticipate challenges and problems! In the big picture the concerns I expressed above are only a small piece of how I feel when I think of us.

Hi Zora - I can relate to some of your worries. My partner started taking T about 3 months ago. We've been together almost 5 years. When we met he identified as stone butch but often passed as male. I've always dated butches but I id as lesbian and still do. When Rufus decided to go on T I was not surprised as he always felt male or would sometimes say he was neither male or female but his sense of gender and his body was always male in some degree or another. His sense of gender was never female. He had also had top surgery before we met. So going on T was not like a bolt out of the blue for me, it felt like the natural next step.

I've read through all the posts here and can connect with just about all of them. Everyone has the same fears about T. What will change physically, what are the negatives, what about MY identity and so on. We talked about all these things before T. Some of the physical changes are happening. I laughed when I read Betenoire's post about hair. Every hair gets examined and talked about. Last night I had to stare at his knuckles while he groaned about knuckle hair, thinning head hair, and sprouting chin hair. Then someone mentioned the increased sex drive. Yep, way increased. Not that I'm complaining. As for mood, I've not noticed any difference so far and all his quirks are still in place. So personality hasn't changed at this point.

In terms of myself it feels odd to be perceived as heterosexual by the outside world, but since he is so masculine anyway we were perceived this way most of the time before T. So I suppose this hasn't changed in any way.

I had all the same questions and worries you have now. A lot of those questions and worries have gone away as I've realized that T does not change things in a bad way but for us, only in a good way and that many of the fears were just that and have never been realized.

And don't worry about the pronoun change. I slip too but I'm getting better. In fact, he slipped the other day and referred to himself as she. Its just use and time. What once felt strange to say, will eventually just come natrually.

Melissa