Domestic Violence/Partner Abuse

[Nat]

Thanks for this thread. Thankfully I have never been in a relationship in which I was battered, though I have experienced most of the stuff listed - though not all in the same relationship.

I guess what I found interesting reading these lists is looking at my own behavior.

I can be jealous, I can be a sulky bitch when sexually frustrated, and I have constrained a person during an argument before. Twice I grabbed a lover by the forearms in an attempt to stop upsetting behavior and get their attention. The second time I left bruises.

The first time, it was the wee hours of the morning, we were on the 2nd floor and the person was throwing boxes on the floor. I didn't want to antagonize the downstairs neighbor, and I automatically grabbed the person by the forearms while saying reassuring words.

The second time was less justified. The time I left bruises was during the day and I don't remember what was being said but the person was possibly leaving or just ranting and pacing. I again grabbed the person by the forearms while saying what I thought were reassuring words. I was unconscious of the strength I used until afterwards. Anyway, it was informative to read this:

17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".

Sometimes looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do. Though I felt bad for leaving bruises on this person, I never thought what I was doing was battery because my intentions didn't feel abusive to me.

And looking further back, I know there was also a time I grabbed my vaccuum cleaner out of a friend's hands during an argument, we had a tug of war and I fell on my ass when that person let go. That also probably falls under item 17. At the time I thought I was the injured party and that I would never get my vaccuum back otherwise.

But I was using force during an argument.

These threads come up every once in a while, and I usually see all the things that have been done to me. But I guess I am in a safe enough place now that I am more able to look at myself and my own behavior with greater clarity.

I do think I have control issues. I spend a lot of time controlling myself. Just to get up in the morning seems to require a great deal of self control. I overeat, overinternet, overspend, occasionally overdrink to control my feelings and thoughts. I think abuse in general is about control, at least that's what I've heard. I don't know how to not be controlling at least with myself. With the above stuff, all I know how to do is to commit to controlling myself more when it comes to these issues - making new, stronger rules regarding my relationships because I definitely don't want to do anything that could be even questionably abusive to anybody.

A lovely friend wrote something recently for coming out day. She's straight, but she wanted to write something in support of her LGBTQ friends. Part of what she wrote was, "Henry David Thoreau said 'All good things are wild and free.'" I don't feel wild and free. Do other people? But whatever prison I have locked myself inside, I don't want fellow prisoners. Looking over my past, it's clear to me I need to have more respect for the wildness and the freedom of others and that some of my own behavior has worked against this.

Just FYI, I feel pretty nervous posting this because it feels like social suicide, but I am doing so because it's honest, because it's hard, because I think it's the right thing to do and because maybe my talking about these things might serve somebody else here who has been on either end of similar dynamics.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Nat

Just FYI, I feel pretty nervous posting this because it feels like social suicide, but I am doing so because it's honest, because it's hard, because I think it's the right thing to do and because maybe my talking about these things might serve somebody else here who has been on either end of similar dynamics.

please don't feel nervous! the fact of your being self-aware and secure enough to admit to a mistake actually makes you the complete opposite of the kinds of offenders this thread is about!

[Nat]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

please don't feel nervous! the fact of your being self-aware and secure enough to admit to a mistake actually makes you the complete opposite of the kinds of offenders this thread is about!

Thanks. I don't think it makes me the exact opposite, but I strive more and more to be the opposite of those things. I don't know what lies at the heart of those who have done or do far worse - I guess most likely it's not just one single quality or motivation. For myself personally I think I live somewhere in the addiction and codependent spectrum and both of those have something to do with control.

I have the capacity for cruelty - as evidenced even in a few of my posts here and others on the dash site. I once accused June publicly of lying (which i regret very much) and refused to take it back - rather than approaching things from a place of understanding or seeking to understand. I've been pretty horrible really though at those times I always felt that I was in the right, that I was embracing justice or truth or standing up for others. But in the end, that behavior is just bad behavior - it's bullying behavior. It may not be as extreme as most behavior listed above, but I would think it's somewhere in the spectrum of abusive. If there isn't a bullying thread on this site, maybe I will start one some time soon, especially in light of recent suicides of bullied teens. I want to think that people can heal, change and grow. I have been trying to do so. I don't want to be an asshole.

I think being committed to changing specific behavior is the quick (and necessary) fix, but I think to change long-term requires sea-change and though I have come a long way so far in my life, I do not know if I am capable of the deepest level of change or if there are tools or methods available for doing that. So far, and the initial motivation I have had for exploring it, spirituality is the one tool I have found that helps me relinquish my need to control myself, others and/or situations even a little. I know there must be other tools and I know spirituality is odious to many and has been used as a tool of abuse extremely often as well. I don't really have many other tools at hand, but I would like to.

[Miss Scarlett]

Thank you Dixielady for starting this thread and Medusa for wanting to place a resource page on this site.

I am a domestic violence survivor. If not for several miracles during those years I would be dead.

Tragically there are far too many people not as fortunate.

[Jet]

Very nice posts dixielady
thanks for the valued information

[Heart]

Not all bad relationships are abusive, although all abusive relationships are bad.
Not all bad things we do in a relationship means we are an abusers.
High conflict relationships are not necessarily abusive.
Healthy relationships include conflict and fighting.

So how can you tell if it's a lousy relationship or abuse?

Abusers seek control and are willing to use coercive tactics, including violence, to achieve and maintain control in a relationship.

Abusers engage in patterns of escalation and de-escalation that the victim has no control over, (even when they think they do).

Victims experience fewer options and choices, and growing fear and danger, over time.

For more about lgbtq partner abuse check out: www.nwnetwork.org

[Isadora]

Originally Posted by Heart

Not all bad relationships are abusive, although all abusive relationships are bad.
Not all bad things we do in a relationship means we are an abusers.
High conflict relationships are not necessarily abusive.
Healthy relationships include conflict and fighting.

So how can you tell if it's a lousy relationship or abuse?

Abusers seek control and are willing to use coercive tactics, including violence, to achieve and maintain control in a relationship.

Abusers engage in patterns of escalation and de-escalation that the victim has no control over, (even when they think they do).

Victims experience fewer options and choices, and growing fear and danger, over time.

For more about lgbtq partner abuse check out: www.nwnetwork.org

I tried the link. It does not work, Heart. When I worked in the field we used this a lot.