Grieving

[asphaltcowboi]

i kind of try to stay out of here.. this time of year can be so sad for many of us.. i just wonder how long it is until one can move forward in life.. how long until one can "be" with someone new for more then a nite or two. how long befor those old feelings stop interupting the new. am i suposed to try and stop them? or should i just continue to step back? its like shes still holding on to her place in my heart and isnt willing to share. i cant/dont want to "block her" but wish she would move forward with me always being a part of me..

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by cody

i kind of try to stay out of here.. this time of year can be so sad for many of us.. i just wonder how long it is until one can move forward in life.. how long until one can "be" with someone new for more then a nite or two. how long befor those old feelings stop interupting the new. am i suposed to try and stop them? or should i just continue to step back? its like shes still holding on to her place in my heart and isnt willing to share. i cant/dont want to "block her" but wish she would move forward with me always being a part of me..

I know exactly how you feel, Cody. I had a very rough time trying to move forward after I lost my partner in '03. It was so hard to talk to anyone about anything without referring back to Sharon. And then I would end up feeling odd and uncomfortable because I was always talking about someone who had passed. If I was interacting with someone who didn't know about my loss I would feel that I was just dragging everyone down into my world of woe by mentioning her death. I was just such a .... bummer!

It was so difficult for me that I ended up doing something that, in retrospect, was really bizarre. Sharon was killed in an accident so there was no warning. There was a traumatic quality to that loss and I ended up with some weird behaviours. I had trouble consistently using the past tense when speaking about Sharon after her accident. In fact, I had so much trouble that I stopped trying, and just spoke about her in the present tense as if she was still here. She kind of was, anyway. Sharon and I spoke often, and she was a strong presence in my life for years after she passed. There was no room at all for anyone new. In a lot of ways I was still carrying on my relationship with Sharon, who had never really fully left me.

It took years, but when I finally decided to make a strong effort to use the past tense whenever speaking about Sharon it created a big change in my outlook. That only happened because I was ready for it. No one else will be able to tell you how long it takes. There's no 'should'. It just takes as long as it takes.

Please take good care of yourself, especially during the holiday season.

[DomnNC]

Cheryl is right Bro, there's no set timetable. My wife passed away Thanksgiving weekend 3 years ago, I just haven't looked at it the same since then. Some days her presence is strong with me, some days not as strong but she's always there and always will be. I refuse to let her die in my heart as well and I don't think she ever will. However that doesn't mean there isn't room for someone new and when it's right it will just happen, that's all there is to it. Whoever that person is will have to accept my wife as well because I refuse to act/live as if I never had a life or love before them, she was part of who made me who I am today.

I had someone new in my life for about a year. I finally had to tell her it wasn't working out and it's not because of my departed wife, it was because she didn't want to work or contribute to the household and a host of other issues that crept up once I got to know her a bit better.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I managed to make it through the weekend in one piece, and actually had a better time of it than I thought I would. Oh there was a huge meltdown in the kitchen while holding the turkey, but my Kasey has the patience of a saint and the day continued on peacefully.

Memeories of past Holidays were there among the new ones, but we did something that made us all feel good to finish off the day; we packaged up individual Turkey dinners and went around the area giving food, blankets and cash to those less fortunate than ourselves. The girls felt good and had something to think about, and we were able to share the abundance of our lives. I think we have happened upon a brand new family tradition.

[Mr. Moon]

Well, the world is gearing up for Christmas.

I haven't thought much about it till today.

Bad day to say the least. I sat here tonight and watched a "tree" lighting in Baltimore on tv and just cried and cried.

This isn't going to be easy by no means.

My parents and I have started talking about doing something different for the holiday but somehow that feels just as awful and continuing our usual.

Somehow I have to gather some focus for gifts for folks....Time seems to be going so fast I suddenly feel rushed.

Anyway, thanks for this place that I can say all this and you all somehow understand.

I hope you all are doing well...
- Mr. Moon