Grieving

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by cody

i kind of try to stay out of here.. this time of year can be so sad for many of us.. i just wonder how long it is until one can move forward in life.. how long until one can "be" with someone new for more then a nite or two. how long befor those old feelings stop interupting the new. am i suposed to try and stop them? or should i just continue to step back? its like shes still holding on to her place in my heart and isnt willing to share. i cant/dont want to "block her" but wish she would move forward with me always being a part of me..

I know exactly how you feel, Cody. I had a very rough time trying to move forward after I lost my partner in '03. It was so hard to talk to anyone about anything without referring back to Sharon. And then I would end up feeling odd and uncomfortable because I was always talking about someone who had passed. If I was interacting with someone who didn't know about my loss I would feel that I was just dragging everyone down into my world of woe by mentioning her death. I was just such a .... bummer!

It was so difficult for me that I ended up doing something that, in retrospect, was really bizarre. Sharon was killed in an accident so there was no warning. There was a traumatic quality to that loss and I ended up with some weird behaviours. I had trouble consistently using the past tense when speaking about Sharon after her accident. In fact, I had so much trouble that I stopped trying, and just spoke about her in the present tense as if she was still here. She kind of was, anyway. Sharon and I spoke often, and she was a strong presence in my life for years after she passed. There was no room at all for anyone new. In a lot of ways I was still carrying on my relationship with Sharon, who had never really fully left me.

It took years, but when I finally decided to make a strong effort to use the past tense whenever speaking about Sharon it created a big change in my outlook. That only happened because I was ready for it. No one else will be able to tell you how long it takes. There's no 'should'. It just takes as long as it takes.

Please take good care of yourself, especially during the holiday season.