Is it normal to grieve for so long

[Lizzy]

In between the birth of my first son and my second son I was pregnant and I lost the baby in the fith month. It was very traumatic for me and I still remember the doctor telling me that they could not find a heart beat. At the time I was seeing a male doctor who had the worst bedside manner. After having an awful procedure to stop my bleeding he told me that I needed to just let it go.That this happens to a lot of women and I would go on to have more children.Basically he just said get over it. My family was the type to just pretend your ok and smile,just keep going. So I did, I concentrated on my son and tried to move on.Eventually I had my second son 2yrs later.I would not trade him for anything in the world.Every year when Septermber comes around I think of that day in September all those years ago I still remember it like it was yesterday.I still remember the Doctors exact words.My anxiety levels go up, I start to get insomnia at night then I am cranky the next day.But I smile my day through work and then I come home and crash.Usually after a couple of weeks I start to come back around but year after year I go through the same cycle.I want to come to some sort of peace with this but every year I am just filled with such regret.

[sweetfemme247]

I am so sorry to hear this, there is nothing that will earse the pain and nothing that can stop you from being sad.... but remember that he is in heaven ( if you believe in god) and that some day you will get to see him.

[suebee]

Lizzy, First let me say how sorry I am that you lost your second child. It takes nothing away from the love you have for your two surviving children to say you had another child and you lost him/her. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that your doctor had a terrible bedside manner. It doesn't matter that HE thought it was inconsequential for you to lose the baby - it wasn't him that was going through it! I'd really encourage you to find somebody to talk to about this. Doesn't sound like that will be within your family - so a different doctor, a therapist, a pastor that you trust. Because it IS normal - for you! YOU lost a child and YOU are grieving. So you deserve support to help you through this. Again - my sincere sympathies Lizzy. Please take care of yourself.

Sue

[kannon]

Originally Posted by Lizzy

In between the birth of my first son and my second son I was pregnant and I lost the baby in the fith month. It was very traumatic for me and I still remember the doctor telling me that they could not find a heart beat. At the time I was seeing a male doctor who had the worst bedside manner. After having an awful procedure to stop my bleeding he told me that I needed to just let it go.That this happens to a lot of women and I would go on to have more children.Basically he just said get over it. My family was the type to just pretend your ok and smile,just keep going. So I did, I concentrated on my son and tried to move on.Eventually I had my second son 2yrs later.I would not trade him for anything in the world.Every year when Septermber comes around I think of that day in September all those years ago I still remember it like it was yesterday.I still remember the Doctors exact words.My anxiety levels go up, I start to get insomnia at night then I am cranky the next day.But I smile my day through work and then I come home and crash.Usually after a couple of weeks I start to come back around but year after year I go through the same cycle.I want to come to some sort of peace with this but every year I am just filled with such regret.

I'm sorry for your loss. The grieving process is different for each of us. I'm sorry to say that your pain may never fully go away. It's good that you are aware of the cycles so you can insulate yourself from other aggravating factors.

[Gráinne]

I am sorry for your loss.

I went through about the same thing 20 years ago, at four months -the baby didn't have a heartbeat. Every November, around the anniversary, it's still tough. It's not that it occupies my mind all the rest of the year, but that day is hard. I still hear the doctor telling me-and showing me-the blank ultrasound. When I had my children many years later, I could never look at the ultrasound screen and had them turn it away from me. That day, and the operation that followed, were the worst days of my life.

I don't think it ever really goes away, but what does help me is a simple little rememberance. Sometimes I write, sometimes I just "talk" to my baby. Whatever has meaning to you.

Know that you aren't alone, are not crazy, and that whatever you feel on that anniversary is all right. I am sorry the doctor was such a putz, but you can take care of yourself when emotions start rising.

If you need to talk, send me a message.

[iamkeri1]

Today would have been my thirty-third wedding anniversary had my husband lived. He has been dead now for almost eight years. Our anniversary, his and my birthday, and the anniversary of his death are still very hard for me. The death anniversary is the worst, and what I go through is very similar to what you experince. He died three days after Christmas. I kind of force myself through Christmas and the day after for my kids sake, and then I just allow myself to have a period of mourning. This year was particularly hard for some reason I have never figured out. I have come to believe that these days will always be hard. If others don't like it, or don't understand, well I can't help that. I do what I need to do.

Losing a baby that you wanted is so awful. I am very very sorry that you had to go through that. Of course it doesn't stop you from being happy that you have other children and loving them like crazy. But one of your children died. To me it would be abnormal if you did not mourn your child's loss. It doesn't matter if other people chose/choose to ignore it. To me they are the ones who are wrong. I think they had good intentions, hoping to help you have less pain. They probably still suffer around the death anniversary. They just don't want to make you sad, so they don't tell you. If you feel like it (and ONLY if you feel like it) why don't you bring it up with your family. Sharing this sad time might make it easier for all of you.

I send you strength and a wish for increased peace.
Hugs
Keri

[NJFemmie]

My mother died when I was 14 - and I just turned 45. I still grieve, especially on her birthday and around holidays. The thing with that is, you can't let that interfere with your daily life. This may sound a bit harsh, but life does go on -- and although the pain and the emotions are still there (and always will be) - you do have to let it go, especially when you find yourself falling into a depressional rut. I have to force myself to think about other things - or concentrate on those around me.

Perhaps that differs from losing a baby, but I lost one too many years ago. My ex boyfriend was not as sympathetic and compassionate as I would have liked him to be - and I found myself bitter and resentful toward him for that, which made me hold on to the pain that much harder. When I realized that I had more to lose by holding on to it, I learned how to gently let it go and push on. I couldn't let his reaction dictate my emotions anymore. I realized that it just wasn't meant to be, and I had to be okay with that.

Your doctor should have been more gentle and compassionate with you, but more importantly, be these things with yourself. You can't always rely on others to provide what you need to provide for yourself. Everything happens for a reason even when we can't figure what the reason is .... you deprive yourself of happiness and peace if you don't make that peace within yourself. Let go and let God.

[*Anya*]

It is perfectly normal to feel the grief acutely on the anniversary of your painful loss. How could you not remember during that time period each year?

Allow yourself to feel what you feel, don't second-guess yourself or question yourself. Process the loss in any way that you need to.

Even if others do not understand, have peace inside yourself that to experience the loss all over again each year is totally OK.

My Nannie was the one person who loved me as a child. I would have been a far different person had I not had her in my life. She was the shelter from the storm for me until I was 10. Each year on March 17th, I give her thanks and allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling-usually a great deal of sadness. This does not mean I forget her the rest of the year but do feel it most sharply each March 17th.

It is normal to grieve each anniversary of our losses of those we held so dear to us.

[DomnNC]

Grief knows no timetable.

[Diva]

Everyone grieves differently, as some have said here already. There are NO rules except for the ones You make for Yourself. Be good to Yourself and embrace Your grief, as ~ IMHO ~ there is no other way than to meet it head on, because it's not going to go away.

Take Your power back from that wicked bitch, Death.

It appears You have learned lessons in the midst of this horrible event......You have learned compassion from the compassionless and communication from those who will not talk.

And therein lies the blessing.

[MissItalianDiva]

I am so sorry for your loss. I think what you are going through is not only to be expected but perfectly normal. Regardless of the outcome that baby is still your child. You nurtured it and felt life inside you, developed an unconditional love and bond that only a mother can. As a mother I can not fathom going through what you have been through and not still grieving.

Take things one day at a time and remember that baby is still with you in everything you do. I know a lot of people say with death things get easier with time but I am not sure this applies to the passing of a child but I do wish you peace through this all.

[theoddz]

I think there are certain things that happen to us in life where we never do really "get over it", and maybe we shouldn't. I think resolution sometimes finally does come when we come to terms with it.

One of my dear friends (and ex) lost her 5 year old daughter in a drowning incident back in the late 60's. She has never "gotten over" it, but she has come to terms with it, in time, and has been able to move forward in her life because of it. I don't know how a person comes to terms, or finds that peace, but somehow they do, in their own way, usually with time. I think it helps, though, when the grieving person is surrounded by the love, support and understanding of others.

The month of May is my "grieving" month, for many quite personal reasons. I usually need a lot of time to myself then, and afterward, I'm okay. Every year that passes gets a little better for me, depending on what else is going on in my life. I keep in mind that I have much to be grateful for in my life. I've had/have many, many blessings that others haven't/don't have. I try to focus on that and keep things in perspective.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you as you learn, in time, how to move on. Keep your chin up. Life is good....really.

~Theo~

[Starbuck]

Hi Lizzy, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby that I wanted and I don't know that the grieving ends. Each May comes around and I'm reminded about how I foolishly told my parents that I was pregnant too early because I lost it at six weeks. I know that's not very far along but I'd been told I was peri-menopausal and infertile so I was very excited. But then I felt like I'd caused the miscarriage by running two miles the day before I started bleeding...talk about a self made guilt trip! That didn't make me feel any better.

And like some I've read, I tried to just carry on, liked nothing happened; that's just down right hard to do! That doesn't allow you to address your feelings, thoughts, and emotions, which is extremely important after losing a baby! I think that's why grief sticks around for so long is because we don't or cant deal with it in the beginning, because it's so painful.

So Lizzy, there is no right or wrong answer to grief, we are all different and respond differently to it. What helps me is thinking that my grandmother is up in Heaven and she is taking care of the baby that I lost.

[The Oopster]

It's been a long time since I've taken my course work or done anythng with it but there are natural stages of grief and everyone has there own time period and way of getting through them. Grief is normal and okay.

If we don't allow ourselves to go through the process we get stuck in it!

If you are concerned about it I would suggest finding a grief counselor. I would contact funeral homes for some good referals.

[Lizzy]

Thank you all so much. I think I do a little better each year with the way I cope with my grief. This year I am trying to focus on my creative outlets.One of the perks of my jobs is creating art with the kids in my pre-school class.I really can't explain it but when I am doing something like painting with the kids I feel at peace.I still have my moments where I find myself wanting to close myself into my bedroom and sleep the day away.When my boys are home I push myself through, it is harder when they are with their Dad.

[citybutch]

When I was 5 years old my first father died... suddenly and painfully. Our gardener walked him through my room on the way to car to take him to the hospital. My last memory of him is screaming as he was being supported to the car. I never cried. I stopped talking for a 2 weeks... I went inside.

It has taken decades for me to acknowledge that there was a 5 year old little girl traumatized by the event. I am 52 years old in October this year and I am still working on coming to terms with the impact of his death on my life. I have a powerful cellular memory of it. Most of the last 47 years I have been unconscious of it and I simply reacted to it....

I just went through a NLP (neuro-linguisitc programming) session with a friend of mine and it was pretty interesting and helped me to break the cycle of cellular memory. We will see if it works for next year .... I am not suggesting this to you but perhaps it may be something to think about trying anything that may help you as you uncover and cope with your loss.... therapy, NLP, acupuncture, spiritual work... and sometimes it is a combination of many things...

I hope you find your own peace...

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by Lizzy

.Every year when Septermber comes around I think of that day in September all those years ago I still remember it like it was yesterday.I still remember the Doctors exact words.My anxiety levels go up, I start to get insomnia at night then I am cranky the next day.But I smile my day through work and then I come home and crash.Usually after a couple of weeks I start to come back around but year after year I go through the same cycle.I want to come to some sort of peace with this but every year I am just filled with such regret.

I would look for a therapist that does EMRD (Eye Movement Rapid Desensiztation. I have done this for some traumatic events in my life. It's a newer thing and I was WAY skeptical at first. But it works. Like really works. PM me if you want information. I'd be happy to ask my therapist if she knows anyone in your area. I lost my dad on my 11th birthday to a car wreck. Every year around my birthday I would get anxious, etc. It's awful and I do understand that feeling of "Oh no...I'm doing it again". Hang in there.

[Corkey]

As far as I know there is no time table for grief. It is one of the things which makes us human, and we all greve in our own way in our own time. If you are ready to move through it and past it, you can take steps to do so. Getting lost in it isn't healthy, but letting it pass through you is.
The life journey is always a process, be kind to yourself.

[kannon]

Originally Posted by Lizzy

Thank you all so much. I think I do a little better each year with the way I cope with my grief. This year I am trying to focus on my creative outlets.One of the perks of my jobs is creating art with the kids in my pre-school class.I really can't explain it but when I am doing something like painting with the kids I feel at peace.I still have my moments where I find myself wanting to close myself into my bedroom and sleep the day away.When my boys are home I push myself through, it is harder when they are with their Dad.

Art is so therapeutic. It's great that you have that creative outlet at work. Bonus points for getting paid for it.

Arwen suggested EMRD. I've heard really good things about this therapy. Supposed to be really effective for trauma victims.

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by kannon

Art is so therapeutic. It's great that you have that creative outlet at work. Bonus points for getting paid for it.

Arwen suggested EMRD. I've heard really good things about this therapy. Supposed to be really effective for trauma victims.

I've personally found it to be invaluable for my own trauma recovery.

Good luck to you, Lizzy. Art is a lovely outlet!