Ireparably Broken?

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

{{{{RY}}}}

Breakups are so difficult. I haven't gone through many, but the three I have been through were each unique, exhausting and filled with a ton of opportunities to learn. The most difficult was when I decided to leave the father of my two children. We had been together for 15 years and had practically grown up together. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and so it took years for me to trust my own instincts and not rely on someone else when it came down to making tough decisions. I also was desperate to please him and thought that if I could make him happy all the time he wouldn't find cause to be cruel. The bottom line is that you can virtually kill yourself trying to make someone else happy and in the end it isn't worth your time and energy if they don't do their share.

It sounds like you still have some letting go to do. And I know this isn't easy. The most trying part (for me) of any breakup I've been through is the missing part. Followed by the "did I make the right decision" part. Punctuated by the absolute fear of completely letting go part. I remind myself often that I am right where I need to be and that the universe knows what is best...for us all. Sometimes, even when we think we are in the driver's seat, it's best to just let the universe take over and chart the course of our lives.

As far as liars and being deceived goes...I have been on the giving and receiving end of both. I have been the cheater and the cheated on. I have lied and been lied to. I have made some piss-poor choices and have hurt and been hurt. What I have learned from ALL of it...the good, the bad, and the ugly...is that #1. I will never again be with someone just because I am afraid of being alone. I would rather be lonely but secure in being who I am for the rest of my life than try to live up to someone elses expectations of me (however realistic or unrealistic the expectation(s). #2. Opening yourself up to love also means opening yourself up to hurt...and in order to find love you must be willing to get hurt. It's just the natural order of things. #3. Just because I am nice does not mean I am anyone's punching bag. Mutual respect and truly being able to listen and be non-judgmental are absolutes. Most everything else is negotiable...and I say that because after having gone through the relationship difficulties I have, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are no absolutes. I admire people who can use the "never" word as their daily mantra, but for me it is unrealistic. And the moment we have unrealistic expectations of others is the moment we make our worlds, lives, and potential loves and happiness all the more unattainable.