Butches and Body Image - Let's Talk About It

[Just_G]

One of the biggest things I struggle with is the fact that people keep telling me to love myself, love who I am, I am okay just the way I am, be myself.....etc....blah! I love my personality, humor, integrity, work ethic.....you name it...I love a LOT of things about me, but to be really honest, I do not like the physical me one bit!

I know that some of you will know what I am trying to say when I say that it is so fucking hard to put in to words what a struggle it is internally...(let alone externally; the way the whole world sees you) to have to deal with insides matching outsides. I see myself one way in the mirror...which I try to avoid as much as possible....and when I see myself in pictures, I cringe. I do not like the way I look female...body wise. This has been so fucking hard as I have been out having to buy a whole new wardrobe for my new job in a very conservative company. Finding pants in my size with my inseam has been HORRIBLE! Thank God my mom sews and can hem all of them for me!

This clothes shopping experience has been so fucking disasterous.

Cheech and I were talking the other day about binding and how it all bunches up in the middle, making a bump in the middle of our chest, and how uncomfortable we always feel in our own bodies. I think if the insurance companies would help pay for some of the body modification things we want to have done, they wouldn't have to pay so much for anti-depressants because of people's body issues!

I am not depressed, just really fucking frustrated. I do not like my body one bit, but have learned to adapt and be content.

People can tell me til they are blue in the face how they see me or how to feel because they like the way I look, but it doesn't help. I do not like the way I look. (and this is not even a weight issue...this is just all "female body" stuff....blech!)

Sometimes when I am shopping, I feel like I am a kid shopping in the grown up department because my arms and legs are so short to be fitting in men's clothes...it sucks ass man!

[tara_kerrie]

I totally understand amd relate to what you are saying G. Since i have gained so much weight i see myself as a fat ugly blob that isnt good enough to be with anyone. I absolutely HATE shopping for new clothes.

[Just_G]

Originally Posted by KerrieH

I totally understand amd relate to what you are saying G. Since i have gained so much weight i see myself as a fat ugly blob that isnt good enough to be with anyone. I absolutely HATE shopping for new clothes.

Kerrie, do me a favor, tell me something about yourself that you love.

I came off kind of negative in my post above, and I wish I would have worded some of that differently.

You see, I am one of the most positive people on this earth. (which from my post above, it doesn't sound like it....but I do have a couple of things that get me down...I just don't focus on them) I really try to find the good things when I don't feel so hot about myself. For example: I have 2 arms and 2 legs that function and I am a healthy person over all....I am truly blessed!! I don't take that for granted. I might struggle with body issues and not like certain things, but I am beyond thankful that I am healthy and able bodied to get around and do things that a lot of people would kill to do! I know that some people wouldn't give a shit what they looked like, they would just be happy if they could walk or feed themselves or even just be able to get out of their bed. I am blessed. Period.

I don't focus on what I don't like...I focus on what I have and what I like about myself.

I am always saying to my friends: Find the good. I know I drive them nuts sometimes!

[tara_kerrie]

G...
The only thing that I can say that I love about myself at the moment is this:

I can love unconditionally. When I do love unconditionally, I love with everything that I am.

I am a good listener.

When I am in a relationship, my partner comes first ALWAYS.

Right now I am in too much pain to think about anything else that I love about myself.

I have no self-confidence at all.

There is one thing that I LOVE about my body...I have a GREAT ass.

I wish the boobs were gone and I wish I weighed about 40-50 pounds less than I do.

I wish I was stronger than what I am.

Those are the things that I like and dont like about myself.

[Just_G]

Originally Posted by KerrieH

G...
The only thing that I can say that I love about myself at the moment is this:

I can love unconditionally. When I do love unconditionally, I love with everything that I am.

I am a good listener.

When I am in a relationship, my partner comes first ALWAYS.

Right now I am in too much pain to think about anything else that I love about myself.

I have no self-confidence at all.

There is one thing that I LOVE about my body...I have a GREAT ass.

I wish the boobs were gone and I wish I weighed about 40-50 pounds less than I do.

I wish I was stronger than what I am.

Those are the things that I like and dont like about myself.

Excellent! Thank you for replying back K!

You've got a big heart that is full of love!! You and I have that in common! My life coach told me last year that I need to become my own best friend. I was to quit with the negative self talk, and to tell those around me that if I did talk about myself in a negative way, that they were to kindly remind me that I shouldn't do that. Negative self talk brings us down even more and trying to correct it is a baby step in the right direction. In a positive direction. When you think something negative, over ride it by remembering something you like about yourself..something good.

I've met you, and I think that you are pretty cool...I loved talking to you at the Reunion and remember that you have a great sense of humor.

I think a lot of us wish we were X amount of pounds lighter, so I am sure several people reading this nodded their heads when reading that...I know I did. That is something I can do something about, but I know right now I am so busy that I can't put a lot of time in to it...but I have started to eat better and have quit gaining weight; now I will get my life in order and make the time to go walking every night to work on what I don't want.

Just one baby step in the right direction will do wonders for your self esteem...you just have to be patient and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You know the old saying: "Rome wasn't built in a day!"

If you want to get stronger, start with doing some push ups and lunges or squats...even if you just start off with 5 of each a day and add 5 more a few days later...you will gradually start feeling stronger..another way of baby stepping in the right direction.

You can do it...I have complete faith in you; as do a lot of people here! Remember that you have to be kind to yourself.

[Okiebug61]

I'm 50
I'm chunky
I'm gray
I'm achy
I'm almost as wrinkled as a pug in areas.
And by fucking god I love who I am where I am and have no issues with my body.

[AlexHunter]

Bringing the discussion back into the toilet...

I have many experiences to share with regards to public restrooms.

I normally use the men's restroom. I feel like I belong there much more than I belong in the women's. I don't particularly feel like getting screamed at or slapped.

I didn't always use the men's restroom. When I got sick of knowing that using the women's restroom would become an event of ample magnitude, I decided to venture into the other.

The women's restroom smells like artificial flowers. The men's restroom smells like piss.

When I was eighteen, I walked out of the women's restroom. I inspired a man to walk in! Trolling, genderqueer style.

I had an argument once with a middle-aged woman who insisted I was in the wrong bathroom. I flashed her to shut her up.

I've been smacked a few times for being a "boy" or "a man" in the ladies' room.

I've been yelled at in fear and terror. I've had women shriek at me and ask, "What are you doing in here?! Get out!"

I've been called a predator.

I've heard women whisper things to each other at the sight of me.

I've gotten confused looks, but those were expected.

I was once told to dress more feminine after minding my own business because I scared some lady washing her hands. I was twenty. I told her to fuck off.

In the men's room, I get an occasional nod of the head like "hey man" at most.

I wonder... why do women feel the need to talk, look at themselves in the mirror, and worry about what others are doing in the bathroom? Really, do these people have two separate bathrooms at home - one for girls and one for boys? So what makes people so different out of the home? Why does using the bathroom need to be an adventure?

I was afraid to use the men's restroom because I was scared of being found out. I thought some big dude would kick my ass when he realized I was (biologically) female. That never happened. I started using the men's room out of frustration when I was twenty-one. Now, the only time I will use the ladies' room is if the men's is absolutely disgusting or completely occupied.

Recently, I went to IHOP with a few friends. We waited to be seated. I needed to pee. The one stall in the men's restroom was "out of order."

I really needed to pee, so I went into the ladies' room. It's ironic to feel like you're going to get assaulted, told off, or kicked out of the restroom that you "technically" belong in.

I braced myself and walked in. I pretended to have tunnel vision. As I was peeing, I realized a lady complained to management about me. Two managers walked inside. One asked the other, "Is there a man in here? Is it a man or a woman?" The other replied with, "I don't know, I haven't seen it."

When I walked out, one of the managers looked at me angrily and asked, "Sir! What are you doing in here?"

I said, "It's cool, I'm a woman."

She yelled at me for lying, so I pulled out my driver's license, pointed to the "F," and walked out.