Long Distance - How do you cope?

[Sachita]

I really don't want to be a Debbie Downer or discourage any type of love but I did have a few bad experiences want those of you embarking on this journey to also be realistic.

back in early 2000 I met someone and we had a LDR for almost 8 months. After 3 months I insisted she fly to see me or I could not continue the relationship. I offered to even pay for half of the ticket. I was taking care of rescued animals at the time and had no one to watch them while I traveled. She would make arrangements and then cancel last minute with some excuse I later discovered was all lies. She painted this picture that was so far from who she really was. Where she lives, worked, family, all big lies. There were a few red flags but I chalked it off as fear. Countless phone conversations and online chat. Its easy to fall in love with a dream.

She finally arrived and almost right away it things began to unfold. Once I had discovered the magnitude of deception I ended the relationship but we kept in contact, or at least she did claiming that she was afraid and there were countless excuses. But there really wasn't any reason to invent the grand stories she told. If you need to be private, say nothing, don't invent lies. I believe in being forthright and honest at the start of any relationship. I don't need to invent BS to make myself look good in someones eyes. If they can't accept the real me then I'm not going to invest my precious time. Its that simple.

I'm a smart ass woman. I can see things but i admit that sometimes I'm busy or I just don't pry. But you gotta wake up pretty early to pull the wool over my eyes, HOWEVER because of love, being lonely and often removed from my community (living rural) I fall into traps.

This has happened to me a few times. Thankfully the last time I spotted it right away and didn't allow it to continue. I am still open to a LDR if they make the time to meet face to face within a reasonable time, they are forthright and not hiding a lot of shit. I will not continue a lengthy online/phone thing beyond 3 months. After I will expect both of us to travel often and carefully get a glimpse into each others lives- our friends, families, etc. this is important to me. After a year I would expect us to begin to make some decisions on being in the same state. I would not leave my granddaughter, therefore if I were to move it would mean selling or moving my business and moving my family, otherwise they would need to be happy on the farm!

Its easy to project your inner most desires. We are passionate human beings and our community presents some challenges. But its important to keep a clear and level head when investing so much emotion.

[macele]

i knew a woman that wanted as much love in 3 months as most would want in a lifetime. to be high maintenance emotionally requires immediate touch (ldr).

when we desire intimate relationships, ... that's just it, ... we want touch, ... to be in their company.

i think we should go for things we feel passionate about. don't hold back. don't have regrets. but there's no use in making regrets that common sense can help avoid.

i'm not one that thinks it can work for most. it can sometimes become more of a burden than a comfort. for those that have succeeded, i'm happy for.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Sachita

If you need to be private, say nothing, don't invent lies. I believe in being forthright and honest at the start of any relationship. I don't need to invent BS to make myself look good in someones eyes. If they can't accept the real me then I'm not going to invest my precious time. Its that simple.

I've often tried to tell women online that I'm a successful gigolo to rich, wealthy women. Unfortunately, they tend not to believe me for some reason.

Originally Posted by Sachita

I am still open to a LDR if they make the time to meet face to face within a reasonable time, they are forthright and not hiding a lot of shit. I will not continue a lengthy online/phone thing beyond 3 months. After I will expect both of us to travel often and carefully get a glimpse into each others lives- our friends, families, etc. this is important to me. After a year I would expect us to begin to make some decisions on being in the same state.

I agree with the sentiments above. To me, it can be a LD-something but not a LDR (i.e. relationship) until there has been some real-time, face-to-face contact. Obviously, you don't get to know an awful lot about someone from a initial day or few days in their real-time company but you get to find out an awful lot more about them, and whether there's potentially something there or not, than in months of texting and skype and so on.

I think electronic communication is good at continuing or maintaining a relationship but wouldn't be my preferred means of starting one. I never know who I'm talking to if I only know them online - okay, I might totally trust them so I know their occupation, their interests, where they live, their family etc.

But, I cannot really know who they are without real-time, face-to-face interaction. I need to look them in the eyes.

I agree with your one year point above also - whether it's six months or a year or whatever, at some stage, both parties need to realistically consider how the relationship can move from long distance to closer and, if not, to be honest and open about the reality and the options - which are to make hard choices or to drift.

[Glenn]

Once the rollercoaster stop where I was standing. A beautiful femme raised the bar, smiled, and patted the seat next to her. It was the front seat...but you know how that is your first time out from behind the screen...you can jump off and get banged up or continue on .. I lowered the bar..pulled the lever..lit a cigarette..and left the amusement park when confetti cannons started shooting out little red flags all over the platform.

[Darbonaire]

"I've often tried to tell women online that I'm a successful gigolo to rich, wealthy women. Unfortunately, they tend not to believe me for some reason. "

Me too !!!! Why don't they believe me ????

Just kidding.....but, the LDR takes a special committment from BOTH parties....total honesty, LOTS of communication, & a strong bond of trust.......some things that unfortunately not everyone can give or are willing to give.....but, if you think it's worth the shot I say....go for it....just leave the rose colored glasses at home.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Sachita

I am still open to a LDR if they make the time to meet face to face within a reasonable time, they are forthright and not hiding a lot of shit. I will not continue a lengthy online/phone thing beyond 3 months.

3 months? That is WAY too long for me. Inside of a month for me.

I have never dated anyone that was not within driving distance. It has never been an option for me. Too much of a pain in the ass and the ability to assess long term compatibility is too hampered for my comfort level. I tend to date within a 30 mile radius. I have been very fortunate to have found women who although may not have been a part of a b/f community, were femme.

(and of course I count myself to be very lucky as I found the lovely tantalizingfemme very close to home)

[Novelafemme]

"I agree with your one year point above also - whether it's six months or a year or whatever, at some stage, both parties need to realistically consider how the relationship can move from long distance to closer and, if not, to be honest and open about the reality and the options - which are to make hard choices or to drift."


I couldn't agree more. If I were to ever be single again I would not choose to do a LDR. For so many reasons that I don't want to get into here, but having BTDT, I would prefer to either be alone or dating/partnered to someone who lives near by.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

3 months? That is WAY too long for me. Inside of a month for me.

I have never dated anyone that was not within driving distance. It has never been an option for me. Too much of a pain in the ass and the ability to assess long term compatibility is too hampered for my comfort level. I tend to date within a 30 mile radius. I have been very fortunate to have found women who although may not have been a part of a b/f community, were femme.

(and of course I count myself to be very lucky as I found the lovely tantalizingfemme very close to home)

I agree that three months before i met someone would be too long for me as well. I've had a few LDRs. But, meeting as soon as you can and as much as possible is key.

It was about a month into talking when me and my partner met face to face even though we knew "of" each other for years. We were 2500 miles from each other. But, we were both flexible and positive we could find a way. And thankfully, we did.

There is a lot of truth in the statement "You will know". That first hug, real time laugh, kiss, the fireworks *fans self, we both knew. We were both ready for that real relationship and it just worked, but you gotta work it. Many, many hours on skype, telephone, texts whatever you gotta do to become part of that person's life.

My advice to anyone starting in an LDR is ...meet the person soon, make sure that one of you are willing to move at the beginning and be responsible to yourself AND to the other party. BE HONEST.

OH andddddd make sure your heart ( the love part) AND mind (the red flags or financial or logistics, or "but i don't wanna move" parts) are in agreement. They BOTH have to want it. It took me many years to figure that one out. If your heart OR your mind is saying "no, i don't think so"...run.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

3 months? That is WAY too long for me. Inside of a month for me.

I have never dated anyone that was not within driving distance. It has never been an option for me. Too much of a pain in the ass and the ability to assess long term compatibility is too hampered for my comfort level. I tend to date within a 30 mile radius. I have been very fortunate to have found women who although may not have been a part of a b/f community, were femme.

(and of course I count myself to be very lucky as I found the lovely tantalizingfemme very close to home)

well honestly I want to get to know them a little first. I want to at least make sure we are on the same page and I look for little ques. It may happen faster but certainly not 30 days. Most of the time people travel to me and because I live in the country they stay at my farm (separate room) and we spend time together. I want to make sure I have a good feel for them and they are who they say they are. I enjoy having someone come, spend a few days, sitting by the fire and talking for many hours, however I still have responsibilities here.

lol- Ok, but the REAL reason is I need to make sure they can lift a 50 pound bag and feed and throw some hay bales around. If hy wants to hold up in my house I;m putting hym to work. lol - actually we'll work together.

[BullDog]

If one or more person in a potential relationship cannot/isn't willing to re-locate, then I really think you should be very cautious about LDRs. You are potentially setting yourself up for big time heart ache. I have seen this happen quite often, where two people are crazy about each other but there isn't any realistic way for them to live together. It's also a very big risk to leave a well-established job, family and friends, etc to re-locate to a new location. I did move once where it didn't work out, and it was quite miserable for me. I came back to Portland with my tail between my legs and had to completely start over with everything.

When I first started talking to Belle I knew right away that I really, really liked her. I had also read some of her posts and knew she was very close to her mother and wasn't moving anywhere. I really loved living in Portland, OR. So I sat myself down and really made sure I would be willing to move if things worked out. This was very early on when we first started talking. I made a decision that yes I would and continued to get to know her. I am very, very happy here in Knoxville, TN. Not everyone has the flexibility to move like I did.

[MaggieBluIze]

Thank you so very much E/everyone!!!

I have been reading up in bits and pieces since I "found" this thread and have finally gotten to the end. *smile*

My g/f is about to move, because of work relocation, and this is about to become my/Our reality.

I have taken in all your words and have even been having talks w/her about all that I am reading ... So helpful!!!

This is not an easy situation, but is/can be do-able if it is meant to.



I know I said this at first, but Thank You for sharing.
This was so very needed.

[laruss]

LDR are hard, there is so much you learn about someone by spending time with them. It is so easy to keep up the pretense of everything being wonderful when you are far away.

I was in one LDR, and it was only 2 hours and when I moved there it was a shock as to how different they really were when we were spending all our time together. I moved there after a year of LD and it lasted a few years, but really I knew within a few months that it was a bad idea.

I am currently seeing someone 2 hours away (different direction) and this time I think it is me that is able to hide my true self. She sees nothing wrong with me at all and that freaks me out a lot. I'm not perfect, please don't put me on that pedestal... it hurts when I fall off.

My kids and grandkids are 2 and 6 hours away and that is hard too. Although Skype really helps there and my kids already know me and my grandkids are allowed to think I am perfect... because I am, aren't all grandmas?

I personally would not recommend LD, but if you are going to do it pay attention to the voices in your head warning you, telling you things that you might brush aside because you only see them once in a while.

And meeting is VERY important. It is so easy for someone to be all that and a bag of chips if you have never met, they can invent any personality to suit what you are looking for. Also learned this the hard way.

As someone who has raised foster children, one thing I learned is that they can keep up an expected attitude/behaviour for about 3 months before their true personality comes out and it is only then that you can start to move forward. With a LDR that can go on for years and you may see glimpses but if you do not pay attention you will never really know until you are with them full time.

I don't even take my own advice so it is up to you if you do or not. lol

[Arwen]

I've been in more than one LDR. One lasted for 3 years and then fell apart when we moved in together.

Syzygy and I are 6 hrs apart. We've used Skype alot as well as phone and text. We also have been working at finding halfway rendevous so we aren't so dependent on traveling. In two weeks we will be meeting up at a festival half way between my home and his. We've been together for over a year now (almost 1.5 wow) and it takes a lot of communication not to mention honesty. If you aren't willing to Skype unless you have your make up on...well, there's going to be some awkwardness that first morning after.

You feel me?

It's super important to meet first and then NOT MOVE RIGHT AWAY. Gods that scares me when I hear folks doing that. It's never a good idea.

I don't care how Cinderella and Prince Charming did it. I would have told them to wait 3-6 months too.

If your love can't take distance for 6 months, it won't last.

Yeah, I said it. And I'll stand by it too.

Oh, I think the same of meeting someone in your own town too. 3-6 months before you uproot you or them. Date, for Gods' sake.

[Beloved]

I want what Bulldog and PrincessBelle have. I just love the way you talk about each other. It gives me hope. Please don't ever break up because my hope will be gone!

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Arwen

Oh, I think the same of meeting someone in your own town too. 3-6 months before you uproot you or them. Date, for Gods' sake.

Dating and being dated is important through out the whole relationship. How a potential partner treats you and their attitude to dating says a lot about how they will treat you and the relationship when living together and/or married.

I’ve said before, I’m limited on technical ways of communicating should I ever have another LDR. My internet connection does not support Skype, so that leaves emails, phone calls and texting. For me, this makes dating each other when together even more vital to our relationship.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Arwen

Oh, I think the same of meeting someone in your own town too. 3-6 months before you uproot you or them.

For me, even in same city without the same logistics challenges and risks, I wouldn't uproot for someone inside 6 months nor would I want someone to look to move in with me inside 6 months of dating.

A year plus and then start to consider it .....

[Teddybear]

lDR???? while being an OTR trucker, Im not any longer, I think all my relationship have been LDR. And let me tell you it isnt easy.

I am NOT against doing it again however I would like someone that was within driving distance so that we could meet often but this isnt a deal breaker. I love to travel.

I want some one who can keep up their end of a conversation. I have an unlimited phone plan both on my cell and home and believe me I have no problem getting my moneys worth.

I have been told I way to honest when I talk to someone and to me that isnt a bad thing but it has been my experience that not all people know how to be truthful.

I also believe that I should get to know them a bit prior to committing to a face to face however I don't want to wait till hell freezes over either.

Once I am in a relationship it really doesnt matter if its LDR or living with someone I do my best to be present whenever they need me to be. By this I make sure that we have certain times when we will call and talk. I also think that having regular dates even when living with some1 helps keep the spark.

I dont think that we should b in a hurry to pack the uhual and move to a new area so I think once a couple decide they are going to be a couple they need to have some set ground rules that each of them need to have met however they must have some wiggle room just to help with some adjustments.

After doing the LDR for a time period and no there isnt a set time limit but I think that once one or the other is starting to feel that they need more time with the person they love its time to have a face to face talk about what steps need to be taken.


Ok im backing off the soap box, As you can see I have some strong opinions about this subject and I havent even touched on as of yet.

I am open to talk about it at anytime Im online or just shoot me a message and ask I will be more then happy to let them be known

Have a great day

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Sachita

well honestly I want to get to know them a little first. I want to at least make sure we are on the same page and I look for little ques. It may happen faster but certainly not 30 days. Most of the time people travel to me and because I live in the country they stay at my farm (separate room) and we spend time together. I want to make sure I have a good feel for them and they are who they say they are. I enjoy having someone come, spend a few days, sitting by the fire and talking for many hours, however I still have responsibilities here.

lol- Ok, but the REAL reason is I need to make sure they can lift a 50 pound bag and feed and throw some hay bales around. If hy wants to hold up in my house I;m putting hym to work. lol - actually we'll work together.

I hear you, but I guess because I would not be willing to date long distance, inside of a month works for me. Meeting people quickly keeps one from getting too emotionally invested.

Yes, I can be pragmatic when it comes to dating!

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

I hear you, but I guess because I would not be willing to date long distance, inside of a month works for me. Meeting people quickly keeps one from getting too emotionally invested.

Yes, I can be pragmatic when it comes to dating!

I am open to face to face right away, no doubt and I agree that chemistry goes a long way, however there are so many factors I need to consider when thinking about a partner. I guess the older I get the more I look at the whole picture and approach relationships as total partnerships. I've done the passionate flights of fancy with no foundation and it really doesnt work for me any more.

Before someone comes into my life they need to understand some things about me. I am tired of investing so much time and energy to have it fall apart in a few months. I'd rather take my time, enjoy that person and learn about them. I want them to know that I can sometimes be aloof, distant and that I'm just not your typical woman. They need to understand that i have strong family commitments and how busy I am. If they are needy and demanding emotionally I may not be the right person for them. You learn this through any type of contact, why not learn this before spending money and too much time? I am also a naturally dominant and controlling woman with a strong maternal side. I can tell people this but they just don't get it until they are interacting with me or they may think they know what it means (most are wrong btw) and learn that really I'm not as hardcore as it may seem.

But I would most certainly be open to them flying in and meeting. I'd like at least a few weeks of talking, discovering and seeing if we may be compatible even as friends. In fact I'd love to start all relationships as friends.

[Darbonaire]

[QUOTE=Sachita;581405]I am open to face to face right away, no doubt and I agree that chemistry goes a long way, however there are so many factors I need to consider when thinking about a partner. I guess the older I get the more I look at the whole picture and approach relationships as total partnerships. I've done the passionate flights of fancy with no foundation and it really doesnt work for me any more.

Before someone comes into my life they need to understand some things about me. I am tired of investing so much time and energy to have it fall apart in a few months. I'd rather take my time, enjoy that person and learn about them. I want them to know that I can sometimes be aloof, distant and that I'm just not your typical woman. They need to understand that i have strong family commitments and how busy I am. If they are needy and demanding emotionally I may not be the right person for them. You learn this through any type of contact, why not learn this before spending money and too much time? I am also a naturally dominant and controlling woman with a strong maternal side. I can tell people this but they just don't get it until they are interacting with me or they may think they know what it means (most are wrong btw) and learn that really I'm not as hardcore as it may seem.

But I would most certainly be open to them flying in and meeting. I'd like at least a few weeks of talking, discovering and seeing if we may be compatible even as friends. In fact I'd love to start all relationships as friends.[/QUOTE]

That's the best way to be sure !