Can a poly/mono work?

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

non-monogamous and I married a monogamous wife. I stopped having sex with others. At first it was uncomfortable and I freaked out about a lot of issues like, what if she tries to manipulate me through lack of sex, what if she tries to control me through monogamy, what if.... and really most of my issues were about feeling in control and lack of trust. after two months of dealing with my shit, I was fine. I found I was far more jealous of her giving attention to others but that calmed down too.

we were together, and I was perfectly happy to be monog, no issues came up. Until she did what my biggest fear is around being monogamous. She fucked off with someone else while we were having sexual issues due to both of us going through a depression.


I am always afraid that monogamous people will just piss off with others at some point, for sex/intimacy when the attention needs to be on our relationship. When I've had a problem in the past with a death in the family (which is what happened) and I've been non-monog, we've always closed the relationship temporarily to deal with our stuff and not bring other people into the mix while we sort our shit out and igve support.

I'm actually very angry about having changed a big thing about myself only to have had it thrown back at me. She was so scared in the first year we were together that she wasn't kinky enough, wasn't non-monog, wasn't expereinced enough... the amount of reassurance I used to pour on her... and she fucks off with a woman 10 years my junior. Thanks.

Monogamy my ass.

That said, I know I can do monogmany now so depending on who I meet next - as long as they can deal with my battered trust with monogamy...

Good Heavens, that must have sucked! Insecurities can play havoc on any relationship. Bring the mono/poly twist into and you have a recipe for disaster. i would also like to state that not everyone is driven by sex, but that seems to be a common denominator. i don't know how anyone sacrifices or risks an entire good relationship to go have sex with someone else, but i am not in their shoes to judge that. If you want to have sex with different people then find someone who is either open to that or stay single.

i have had jealousy issues in the past, but i now know i had reason to be untrusting. Each and every time i trusted, i was right about my suspicions.
My current relationship is not like that, she openly loves others in her life and that is a wonderful thing. i admire that about her, but she loves me unconditionally and makes sure i know where i stand at all times. Nothing to be jealous of.

In my past when i was dealing with something new to me, which was *jealousy* and i talked to my Syr/partners wife about it, she explained it like this:

"Jealousy is when you feel something that belongs to you is being given to someone else without your consent"

That was so true, whether it be sex, love, time, emotions, attention. Poly has to be a willing place, you can't just turn off your feelings of wanting to be just one on one, or having the person you love be true to you only.