Making Peace with Exes

[bkisbutchenuff]

Background...(not on the planet and certain she will never be) my first ex - we were each others first and stayed together for 11 yrs. Both teachers. Around yr. 10 she decides shes NOT gay and has an affair with her Principal (a married man). Now, as you can imagine...I was devastated and we broke up...but again both being teachers in the same field, throughout the yrs., we've been forced into mutual professional situations. It took me about 10 yrs. to see past the hurt and pain. The last few years, we've been able to talk and attend functions together with ease. I've always respected her professionaly...
Speed forward to now...I get a call the other day from her. She asks if I want to visit a couple from our college days -they have now been married for about 20yrs. and have 4 kids. The husband is playing a gig who is a very talented musician. Without much thought, I said yes.
So, last night, here I am, sitting with my ex, his wife, at a drag racing strip in the middle of no where, listening to him play...kind of a waste of talent on his behalf, but nonetheless - doing what he has to do to support his family.
We laughed so much...reminicisning about college and the crazy times we had....
On the way home, about a two hour ride, we touched on the past...all that has occurred - but no doubt - we are on the same page...good friends who have each others backs...no turning back...
So...I guess it is possible in some situations....

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by bkisbutchenuff

Background...(not on the planet and certain she will never be) my first ex - we were each others first and stayed together for 11 yrs. Both teachers. Around yr. 10 she decides shes NOT gay and has an affair with her Principal (a married man). Now, as you can imagine...I was devastated and we broke up...but again both being teachers in the same field, throughout the yrs., we've been forced into mutual professional situations. It took me about 10 yrs. to see past the hurt and pain. The last few years, we've been able to talk and attend functions together with ease. I've always respected her professionaly...
Speed forward to now...I get a call the other day from her. She asks if I want to visit a couple from our college days -they have now been married for about 20yrs. and have 4 kids. The husband is playing a gig who is a very talented musician. Without much thought, I said yes.
So, last night, here I am, sitting with my ex, his wife, at a drag racing strip in the middle of no where, listening to him play...kind of a waste of talent on his behalf, but nonetheless - doing what he has to do to support his family.
We laughed so much...reminicisning about college and the crazy times we had....
On the way home, about a two hour ride, we touched on the past...all that has occurred - but no doubt - we are on the same page...good friends who have each others backs...no turning back...
So...I guess it is possible in some situations....

BK, I was reading this, totally on the edge of my seat, not knowing which way it would go, and what a nice surprise, that it went the way it did.

[bkisbutchenuff]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

BK, I was reading this, totally on the edge of my seat, not knowing which way it would go, and what a nice surprise, that it went the way it did.

Thanks IslandScout...Its taken a long time to get to this point...but its good...not possible with all exes...but after spending 11 yrs. with someone...kind of hard to shut that door like nothing ever happened...we shared a lot over those years...I'm glad we can revisit, I can still make her laugh and share current stories...

[Scuba]

Ex-lovers, partners, friends are a funny thing in my life. Some partings have been painful but amicable and others have been quite painful and not amicable at all. I guess, for me, the ends are directly related to the amount of love, closeness and time I spent with a person. Although I don’t have contact with all of my exes, I do keep in touch with the ones who are capable of doing so. There’s really only a few. There are only two ex-partners that I have lost touch with. I love/d them both deeply and find myself in a melancholy “miss” occasionally when I think of them. Despite everything, I have a place in my heart for them both. Stories for another day…

The first woman I dated was of course, going to be the biggest loss of my life after we parted ways; or at least I thought so at the time and for many years after. It had to be. First loves are just like that. When we came together, I knew that I had emotionally “come home”. For the first time I felt authentic with another person. When we did part ways I found it far too difficult to keep in touch. We didn’t speak for a few years and for the life of me, I can’t even remember how we managed to reunite in friendship. It doesn’t much matter really. We spoke often for 3 or 4 years. I went to Florida to visit a few times. I think we both still very much loved each other we just didn’t quite know how to make it work. She wasn’t quite sure if she was gay, straight or bisexual. This certainly didn’t work in either of our favors. We ended up having another disagreement and that was it for, oh, another 10 years. I had always felt bad about that falling out and one day, while surfing the web for a vendor and a product I needed for work, I stumbled across her name. The great debate went off in my head and I stewed on whether or not to contact her. All said and done I eventually did. Her email address was on the web page and so I wrote her a long letter. It’s been a couple of years since I hit the send button and I am happy to say we are once again in touch and staying in touch. She has changed and so have I. It’s been great having that connection with her. Outside of my immediate family, she is really the only link to that time in my past. The only other person that knew me as well from that time in my life passed away back in 1995. I take great comfort in knowing that she knew me so well and now knows me today. I can honestly say that I still very much love her. Maybe that love has changed over the years but it obviously it still exists or we would still be a distant memory in each other’s mind. She comes out to Washington occasionally as she has family here. I have extended the invite. I’ll let her decide if that’s something she wants to do or not. I’m quite alright with our occasional online conversations if that’s what works best.

It’s amazing what time and space can do for people and their pain. I guess I just needed to understand that there is a direct correlation between our ability to love deeply and the amount of pain we suffer when love changes. Love and suffering are not opposites. They are indeed partners in life as well; a reminder to us that we can love again…deeply.
Thanks for letting me bend your “eyes” for a while!

Scoobs

[KayCee]

Once it's over, it's over. I never pick back up the past.

[bkisbutchenuff]

Originally Posted by Kitty4U

Once it's over, it's over. I never pick back up the past.

Wit most...that is best...but there can be exceptions...

[Soft*Silver]

In all seriousness, I have remained friends with most of my exes except for the psychopath and the one who still silently stalks me. Both have been years ago and as the years pass they will only remain bad memories. I have no desire to have a friendship with them. The former is crazy. Seriously, diagnosed, unmedicated crazy. Everyone needs to stay away. The latter I wish well to, but the incredible hurt he caused me, made everything after him, negatively defined by that breakup. Until of late, that is. Enough therapy and AA meetings will cure everything...

For all the others in my life, we share Christmas cards, emails, random visits, etc. My ex husband and I were at my daughter's wedding and we hugged and shared a table. Now that I never could have foreseen but time is an amazing thing. It helps us all get over it and grow up. Maturity seems to be the biggest problem in endings. There are many places we need to mature and even at 55, I am still working on the places I missed...

[Scuba]

Originally Posted by KayCee

Once it's over, it's over. I never pick back up the past.

I agree. What's done is done. People in my life have changed over time and in a good way though so I guess in a few cases things have worked themselves into friendship. For us that has happened naturally with nothing being "forced". Outside of that, I've not once romanticized any relationship enough to want to rekindle the dead flame.