Important things I learned from past relationships

[cinnamongrrl]

I learned.....

That you can't try enough for the both of you....

And that leaving is sometimes the best thing you can do for the relationship....

You can't make someone love you.....

And you REALLY can't expect people to change....

• If it's on only via the internet then it's not real. Took me a few months to realise this one way back in the day when I started on the internet and it still holds true a decade later.
  
• Don't seek validation by being in relation to another.
  
• Don't allow anyone to think you're a mind-reader and don't expect them to have that talent either.
  
• Don't neglect your own friends.
  
  I know it might be different for you lot over there with yer vast country but here in UK I would say:
• Don't move your life and leave your friends before you've spent a year or so together in real time when only you live a couple of hundred miles apart.......................not personally done this one but I've seen (and been support for those who have done it) far, far too many times. It's the triumph of hope over reality. It's a rare to learn from others mistakes but boy did I on this one.

[imperfect_cupcake]

daktari, I've lived in canada and did long distance to the states and I've also lived for many years in the UK - the one thing I learned in the UK is that a) a three hour train ride ain't long distance in my brain. You can still visit each other on weekends. b) there is no way in hell I ever want to do long distance ever again. I'm moving back home in a month, back to the big space and frankly, I think there's enough people within a 100 mile radius that I can find someone I can get along with just fine (because luckily, that includes vancouver, victoria and seattle - many people live in small towns in the middle of buttfuck no where and thus don't have a choice) and I don't want to get to know anyone over the internet anymore. I've been spoiled in the UK by being able to do so.
And now that Plenty of Fish and OKCupid are now widely used in BC I can actually find my kinda dykes now much easier and head out for a coffee to talk instead of blathering on line - though I have to say that outside of London in Southern England, getting people to meet up for a fucking cup of coffee to get to know each other takes about a month of talking on line because people are afraid of "strangers"... yet they'll fuck you the same night they first meet you if it happens in a bar instead of the internet. That does irritate the hell out of me.

But what have I learned? too much for this box.

but the last two relationships I have learned:

marriage gaurentees nothing. People can still walk out without wanting to try. Marraige is a big deal to me, I thought it meant people would stay and work things out. I realise that at the core, really, there is no security. I'm coming to grips with that and what that means and how I should integrate that information now.

It made me start giving my time to studying zen, and although I'm athiest, it has given me a lot of relief from thought patterns and emotional self-torture.

I have learned I care take too much, that it wrecks my relationships and I need to get some help for that. I've arranged to see my old therapist when I get home. To address it.

I've learned I need to be much more forward and solid with my boundaries. I'm a sex worker (legal where I am, and quite a lot safer as a result because I can screen my clients) and the one thing that this job has taught me, more than years of therapy or relationships is how to say NO. absolutely not, don't care, suck it up, end of. I know my limits now. My relationships showed me my boundaries were too soft (see care taking reference) and how that damages things. My job showed me that actually there is greater safety and way less drama with strong boundaries. For everyone.

zen has been teaching me to let go and "fuck it" within the problems I've had in relationships... teaching me how to actually apply solutions to what I've learned in relationships.

I can let go of people and situations now. I just got semi-dumped this morning and after a period of two hours where I was livid, I just sent back a text saying "no worries, no need to discuss it, no drama on my side, just hope you are ok. we'll talk next time we see each other" cause I've stopped caring and stabbing myself with shitty emotions and anxiety.

[Gráinne]

Today I heard an old song that really got me thinking about mistakes I've made. It goes:

Ooh! Baby! You lift me up when I'm down!
Oooh! Baby! You're going to turn my life around!

Certainly, falling in love is a giant pick-me-up. So is falling in love with someone who encourages you to better yourself, to reach your goals. I personally want a partner who makes me want to do just that (not in a nagging way, or even verbally...hard to explain).

I think where I've made this mistake is looking for someone to solve it all, to make the problems go away, yippee! my life is perfect kind of saviour/partner. No one can do that. Only you can ultimately fix your career/family/whatever, or change your attitude.

But the idea of someone swooping in and rescuing their partner is all over the place in popular music, in movies, definitely in books (looking at you, Twilight). We have to be our own heroes .

[imperfect_cupcake]

yeah, I totally agree. As someone who has a habit of rescuing others (caretaking... oh just let me love you enough and it will magically solve everything!!! no no, it's fine if you bleed all over the floor, just let me mop that up and get you a cushion... and I'll help you[tell you] how to fix it all...)

it's a weird dynamic. I'm every partner's mommy. Nothing makes me feel better than when I'm functioning for someone a little bit helpless (but funny, colourful, zany, aggressive in bed, etc) and being appreciated and wanted for it. and thanked. I feel glowy and happy. but it never really lasts long without going awry.


I have made lists of things that are OK in order to do for people that dont burn me out, and things that do. yet I still find myself doing them. I'm an ass.

[Kätzchen]

I've had very few romantic relationships over my lifetime; but I know by heart that some of the most successful relationships I know of here at home are couples who grew up together, lived near one another, and that they spent considerable time together - before they even thought of living together or tying the knot.

I penned a poem here yesterday based on the legal term "Stare Decisis" - only to find that Semantics used this term too, in noting precedents set early on in the formation period of relationship building. I totally reiterate and share the same sentiment shared by Semantics!

Also, I share the same sentiment expressed by HoneyBarbara: She mentioned the idea of the radius in miles; I believe she said that she felt that there were plenty of potentials held within the 100 mi/radius. I agree with her too, except for me, my radius/mile is more around 250-300 mile/radius. I live in a metro area and I've lived here for over 20 years now. I doubt I would move (if ever), but I could; I just don't know that would ever happen again for me.

These are the things I have internalized over the years:

- Pay Attention: to every single detail about yourself and the person you are attracted to. Be present. Don't ignore things that set off flags on particulars that cause you to take notice of something that either makes you feel good or makes you feel weird or makes you feel very uncomfortable. This is your inner self that is speaking to things that can become deal breakers, later on down the road. Talk about them frankly with the person you have loving feelings for and be highly cognizant of their perspective, the rationale offered for things brought up between the two of you.

-Proximity of location: I won't date or go out on a date or become romantically involved with anyone unless they live in a reasonable proximity of location to me. Meaning, if you live within 250-300 mile/radius of me and we are attracted to each other, chances are that I will be more inclined to get to know you and want to go on a play date with you (play date = hanging out together doing something fun and relaxing; not a formal date, like going out to dinner with friends or a date that includes meeting family, etc). I won't let my heart off the leash if you don't live near me. I do not and will not do the internet date or build a relationship from an internet connection. I just won't do that or go there. The way I see it, the last person who will become a part of my life will live near me and not far away.

- Be Real: I am myself at all times; I am real. I mean what I say and I do what I say and even though I trend more toward the abstract way of thinking, my life mirrors exactly who I am. If something bothers me, you bet I'm going to bring it to our attention because if I like you and have loving feelings for you and I want to be in your life and you in mine, then we have to be able to talk about anything - the good, the bad, and the fucking down right ugly because life is no bed of roses. I won't be the kiind of person who keeps items of interest quietly in some corner to fester into an explosion. I'm not that kind of a woman/person. I have my own reputation at stake, all the time. I have earned every single piece of my life thus far and will own it to the end. I take my responsibilities and duties in life seriously. That's not to say I don't have a sense of humor or a playful spirit about me because I am playful and I do have a wicked sense of humor. How else does one make it this far and not have that precious ocean of life skills?

So there you have it: I'm here for the sense of community. I will only consider a romantic relationship if you and I live within my set paramater of 250-300 mile/radius. I pay attention to every single detail. I hope you do too. And, I am real. *Stare Decisis*

[MsTinkerbelly]

I learned from watching my Grandparents 65 year marriage, that "rules" about this and that are not needed. They knew each other for a couple of weeks, married and raised 5 kids.

I've known people that have dated for years, married and divorced in 3 months.

Each relationship will be what it will be, and nothing will change that no matter how we plot and plan.

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

yeah, I totally agree. As someone who has a habit of rescuing others (caretaking... oh just let me love you enough and it will magically solve everything!!! no no, it's fine if you bleed all over the floor, just let me mop that up and get you a cushion... and I'll help you[tell you] how to fix it all...)

it's a weird dynamic. I'm every partner's mommy. Nothing makes me feel better than when I'm functioning for someone a little bit helpless (but funny, colourful, zany, aggressive in bed, etc) and being appreciated and wanted for it. and thanked. I feel glowy and happy. but it never really lasts long without going awry.


I have made lists of things that are OK in order to do for people that dont burn me out, and things that do. yet I still find myself doing them. I'm an ass.

Where have you been all my bloody life

[imperfect_cupcake]

Ha! Tart.

BIT LATE AREN'T YOU

*looks at watch* four weeks. If we tried really hard we could have a very fast intense relationship and break up in three weeks? You could run off with most of my stuff cause I'm not taking it with me anyway.

[imperfect_cupcake]

And if you could run off with my flatmate, that would solve two issues. She's contemplating going lezzo and she will need a place to live.

Thank you for your consideration

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Ha! Tart.

BIT LATE AREN'T YOU

*looks at watch* four weeks. If we tried really hard we could have a very fast intense relationship and break up in three weeks? You could run off with most of my stuff cause I'm not taking it with me anyway.

Tart? Pah! I'm a gigolo dahlink! A good one Two referees are what is customary I believe. I can, of course, provide more if necessary

Lemme see, *consults ipod calender* I could pencil .in for next weekend? There's only The Right Honorable Ffyona Ponsoby-ffyffe-Smyff to service on Sunday evening so I'll have my people contact your people, we'll make it happen.

Just as an aside; Will your worldly goods all fit in a transit van? I'd like to be properly prepared.

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

And if you could run off with my flatmate, that would solve two issues. She's contemplating going lezzo and she will need a place to live.

Thank you for your consideration

If you pack the flatmate suitably for carriage I'll take her off yer hands with the rest of the stuff. She can rent the green wheelie bin; have you seen the size of those things?

If you could possibly train her in the fine arts of being everyone's Mommy and liking funny, colourful, zany, aggressive in bed chaps before I get there then it would save time and be far less traumatic for her.

I thank you in advance.

[*Anya*]

honeybarbara and Daktari, why has it taken you both so long to find out that you are a natural comedy duo (and that romance might have been a possibility!)?

Right before honey moves to Canada too?

Originally Posted by *Anya*

honeybarbara and Daktari, why has it taken you both so long to find out that you are a natural comedy duo (and that romance might have been a possibility!)?

Right before honey moves to Canada too?

She preferred the southern softies

[imperfect_cupcake]

Bril. Yes everything would fit in a small transit van. I've got a client at one on sat, but you are welcome to lay in my bed, overwhelmed by the complexities of life while I kick someone across my living room.
Flat mate likes to be rescued I'm afraid. I kind of found her waif-like and took her in cause I didn't have a partner to look after and the two cats weren't cutting it. But she's Irish Catholic from Dublin so will assume fault for everything, make you laugh a lot and talk shite. Which is a good start. I'm telling her this as I'm writing and she's nodding. She said she wants internet service on the wheelie bin and she has to be able to smoke in it. She's now asking me if you'll marry her and save her from herself. Cheek. I'm doing that but apparently it's no good because I don't have a big cock.

I will slap her later as is required of Mommy role. #goodandpropper

/returning thread.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Daktari

She preferred the southern softies

that's points towards a slap.

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

that's points towards a slap.

Oh yeah? You and who's army?




*ducks off quickly to the pit so as not to be tempted to stay awake beyond what is good for a shagged out gigolo*

[Vivacious1]

Lots! But for now, I can't be bought. The American Dream is up to each individual's interpretation.

[lilapache]

to not blindly trust
to not believe everything i'm told
that if i have a gut feeling.... go with it

[Soft*Silver]

that sometimes problems are my fault

and sometimes they are not

and I gained the wisdom to know the difference...

[Nomad]

i've learned that i dont always want to know the truth
i've learned that i'm not the person i should have been, but i am still proud of my effort because it was honest and sincere
i've learned that i truly want my ex to be happy and healthy and content, every moment of every day
i've learned that feelings can be hurt even more, despite thinking i'd already hit bottom, but i'm pretty sure i can get up
i've learned that i dont like the person i have become, but that there is still something redeemable about me. i'm pretty sure i can work with what i've got left
i've learned that i'm ruff, and tuff, and alligator strong -- and i'm still "sumthin'else"