Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

[JustJo]

I have very mixed feelings on this one. As others have said, this is a small community. If we don't date each other's exes we won't be dating much of anyone.

For me personally, I wouldn't date the ex of a very close friend, but I would date the ex of an acquaintance in real life or someone I know in a cursory way from online only.

Having said that, I think it's essential to keep other people's feelings in mind. We wouldn't want our ex doing the "wave it in your face" thing to us....so let's not do it to each other. Honestly, I don't put the responsibility for that on the new partner or prospect though...I put that responsibility on the ex.

[cinnamongrrl]

I think.... just say NO...especially if you value the friendship. There is an unspoken friend code...it exists in the straight world too.....

[LaneyDoll]

I had a relationship end a few years ago. It was in October/November. She began seeing someone else in November/December. The person was someone I was friends with.

Yes, I was hurt. Yes, I felt betrayed.

But, as time passed, I realized that what they had was far more suiting then what the ex and I had. They were really happy together-moreso than the ex and I were able to be.

Sometimes who we are with is right for us at that moment. Then the moment ends and both people have to move on. I would hate to feel that I was the person standing in the way of someone else's happiness-especially as a "friend."

[gaea]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I have a friend- not on this site-that had a recent experience that got me thinking about this topic. I could not find an existing thread about it.

Her ex-girlfriend and my friend ran in the same real life circle as another woman that they both knew. They were not friends but did know each other to say hi and to chat about superficial things and happened to frequently attend the same activities and parties.

My friend and her girlfriend broke up after a one-year relationship. My friend started going out again a couple of months after the break-up and the woman that she knew and her ex blatantly flirted in front of her at a party. My friend was truly crushed.

I honestly did not know what to say to her (other than to empathize with her feelings) as it would never have been something that I personally would have done. I avoid a friend's (even an acquaintance's) ex out of respect for, lack of a better phrase: femme sisterhood. It just does not feel right to me personally.

What do you feel about this? Is it OK because the couple were broken up? Is there a respectable amount of time that should pass before you, as a femme, flirt with or date a friend's ex in front of another femme sister-even if not you are not close friends?

Does it matter?

Is it different online vs. real life?

Your thoughts?

Perhaps In your question i may need some clarification, you say your friend and her former partner broke up and after a few months witnessed the ex "flirting" with someone she knew however wasn't necessarily friends with....hopefully I followed this correctly...

If the above is correct

Why does the femme code apply to the "person" your friend barely knew?

And why would your friend be upset that the ex is moving on is not your friend also moving on? Is not your friend also dating? If she is how is that different?

I will give you an in real life example of a situation between two people I know, the butch has dated several women in my community she was with my friend for a year it didn't work out, the butch immediately began dating however begrudge my friend who is femme the right to date didn't believe she should and what nots and then tried to pull the card that the ex should not date anyone she knows and in my little community that is basically impossible and that would render both my friend and her ex butch single as long as they remain in this community. I personally do not see this as a realistic situation.

[LadyRieinAL]

Every Butch who has ever dated a femme is some femmes Ex

And are all femmes to be considered Sister femmes to every femme on Planet?

Perhaps it would it be better for each butch to come with a warning label - Be forewarned my ex is _____ and ______ and ______.

And at what time does my own desire, my own happines mean anything - Good lord, does this mean I'm bad and wrong if I find someone attractive who has dated someone on Planet who is someone's EX.

And If I decide to do the right thing in another femme's eyes and not date her EX, will she help me look outside of Planet for someone for me to date?

And is this discussion about any Ex on Planet OR the just the Ex of a femme that I've developed a bond?

I hate stepping on other people's hearts - why did this subject have to come up - man!! NOW I have more worries on my plate.

My little list of what is acceptable for a perspective date has just become almost Nil.

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by LadyRieinAL

Every Butch who has ever dated a femme is some femmes Ex

And are all femmes to be considered Sister femmes to every femme on Planet?

Perhaps it would it be better for each butch to come with a warning label - Be forewarned my ex is _____ and ______ and ______.

And at what time does my own desire, my own happines mean anything - Good lord, does this mean I'm bad and wrong if I find someone attractive who has dated someone on Planet who is someone's EX.

And If I decide to do the right thing in another femme's eyes and not date her EX, will she help me look outside of Planet for someone for me to date?

And is this discussion about any Ex on Planet OR the just the Ex of a femme that I've developed a bond?

I hate stepping on other people's hearts - why did this subject have to come up - man!! NOW I have more worries on my plate.

My little list of what is acceptable for a perspective date has just become almost Nil.

Lady-

I perceive people to be talking about *very* close friendships, not the casual connections that I think you are describing.

Just for example, June and I are very close friends. She is my sistergirl and I have known her and her partner for going on 8 or 9 years now. I love them both.
They also know Jackhammer and I has a couple. We have been in each other's homes several times and June and I are probably responsible for keeping AT&T in business with thousands of hours of phone calls.

We are close in ways that are super intimate and I have confided in her as she has in me about very personal things. If she and Kat broke up, you couldn't PAY me to date Kat. Or even consider it. (and that isn't because I don't think Kat is awesome, because she is, but she is my girl's partner and therefor off limits in huge ways fo-eva-eva).

And honestly, it's not even something that will ever come up because my relationship with Jackhammer is forever and #2 My friendship with June is a primary friendship.

[The_Lady_Snow]

You're welcome to date any of my exes!!

Originally Posted by LadyRieinAL

Every Butch who has ever dated a femme is some femmes Ex

And are all femmes to be considered Sister femmes to every femme on Planet?

Perhaps it would it be better for each butch to come with a warning label - Be forewarned my ex is _____ and ______ and ______.

And at what time does my own desire, my own happines mean anything - Good lord, does this mean I'm bad and wrong if I find someone attractive who has dated someone on Planet who is someone's EX.

And If I decide to do the right thing in another femme's eyes and not date her EX, will she help me look outside of Planet for someone for me to date?

And is this discussion about any Ex on Planet OR the just the Ex of a femme that I've developed a bond?

I hate stepping on other people's hearts - why did this subject have to come up - man!! NOW I have more worries on my plate.

My little list of what is acceptable for a perspective date has just become almost Nil.

[gaea]

Originally Posted by LadyRieinAL

Every Butch who has ever dated a femme is some femmes Ex

And are all femmes to be considered Sister femmes to every femme on Planet?

Perhaps it would it be better for each butch to come with a warning label - Be forewarned my ex is _____ and ______ and ______.

And at what time does my own desire, my own happines mean anything - Good lord, does this mean I'm bad and wrong if I find someone attractive who has dated someone on Planet who is someone's EX.

And If I decide to do the right thing in another femme's eyes and not date her EX, will she help me look outside of Planet for someone for me to date?

And is this discussion about any Ex on Planet OR the just the Ex of a femme that I've developed a bond?

I hate stepping on other people's hearts - why did this subject have to come up - man!! NOW I have more worries on my plate.

My little list of what is acceptable for a perspective date has just become almost Nil.

I agree whole heartedly with all the above here....

[The_Lady_Snow]

Someone mentioned in the CIJS thread about Femmes having to release exes, I'm not sure how that assumption was made from the discussion being had. Dating/fucking doesn't peg you in an ex category for me.

-----------------------


I'm going to try to articulate what I know has turned into icky sexist stuff.

I'm bothered that the conversation we're having is now in another thread being discussed as if Femmes are holding EXes hostage and now a release the Ex thread needs to be made.

I'm not sure how this conclusion was made from the posts here hence my frustration and post

[aishah]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Someone mentioned in the CIJS thread about Femmes having to release exes, I'm not sure how that assumption was made from the discussion being had. Dating/fucking doesn't peg you in an ex category for me.

-----------------------


I'm going to try to articulate what I know has turned into icky sexist stuff.

I'm bothered that the conversation we're having is now in another thread being discussed as if Femmes are holding EXes hostage and now a release the Ex thread needs to be made.

I'm not sure how this conclusion was made from the posts here hence my frustration and post

yuck. i didn't read this thread as a "releasing exes" issue at all. i also wanted to say - even though i've disagreed with a lot of folks, i'm super grateful to anya for starting the discussion and to june and angie and everyone else who's posted. this is one of the most thought-provoking threads i've read in awhile. it did make me really stop and investigate some deep shit in my own self.

and can people not drag shit from thread to thread. please.

[Martina]

I don't see the scenario Aishah outlined as messy. That's me. I have to say that I haven't been involved in something like that since my twenties, when several friends had similar issues. But I wouldn't even associate it with youth and all that could mean.

I also don't even see it as putting romantic relationships above friendships if that is the overarching issue.

The fact is that rules work until they don't. I make decisions based on circumstances.

There were two situations like this among friends when I was in my twenties. In one case, I supported the friend who felt betrayed by her ex and good friend when they hooked up not long after the friend and her partner had broken up.

In the other, I supported the new couple. In that situation, the offended ex had cheated on her partner when they were together. She had not been a good partner. I felt that her ex deserved a shot at happiness and supported him. He is still with that person. Their eldest just went off to college this Fall.

[aishah]

the thing about messiness is...another value that is very important to me personally is growing my friends, family, and community.

so, no, i wouldn't want to make decisions or encourage others to make decisions that might cause discord or cause family or community to break. in the situation with shannon and nick (my friend who set me up with her ex), that actually could have been a big problem because we're all very deeply involved in the same communities locally and they started a community space together that i participate in.

that said, i also know that no family or community can be 100% happy or un-messy or not problematic all the time. to me, avoiding these situations could potentially be more unhealthy than confronting them.

The fact is that rules work until they don't.

yes this!!

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'd be just as upset if Jeff started dating boy of weather, I think it's because my heart is attached, I wouldn't care if Jeff dated TC though, I'd probably invite them to dinner!

Interesting.. I guess right now I can't think of mine being mine cause I like mine and happen to love mine and therefore why it makes me a lil sad to picture boy of weather kissing Jeff, June, Ken, Julie, etc etc kissing them on the neck in that way he do me. Though him taking them to Happy Hour at European Street really makes my head reel. I'd have to call my therapist A LOT!

[imperfect_cupcake]

for me, utterly: rules work until they don't. I've had some serious eye openers in the last year about situations. I never, ever EVER though I would do polyamorous. Non-monog I didn't want to go back and do again, but I would consider it if pushed. I was recently asked about a poly thing I would have absolutely done. And it shocked the hell out of me.

At the age of 43, I am still shocked at how I can change given situations I had never thought of. Or been in.

I can no longer say "Oh I would *never* do X" because I have finally realised that my weirdo personal god or spirit familiar or talisman or ruling ancestor (all of which I don't believe in but because I don't it's funnier for them, I'm sure) is a Trickster. There is something about my life that resembles a practical joke when I get all up in my own about something. Or make absolutes. I get smacked with a big fat lesson about it. bang.

never ever want to get married cause you don't agree with it? Bang! I'm married. Be absolutely certain, beyond even a shadow of a doubt, that my partner would never, ever cheat or lie because of her high level of integrity? smack! suprise. Never do poly? Bang! guess again. Never do monog? TA DA! Never be the other woman? well look at what you've found yourself in? never EVER do that again!!! Oh *really*??

I could go on and on and on. the only thing I can say now is

"I haven't got a fucking clue what I would do" cause if I'm sure about it, I'll get put in place by that Trickster that follows me around.

And I can be really stubborn and willful. So life has some serious tricks for me up her sleeve.

[FemmeBibliophile]

I'm sounding in on this late, but I will say that I am another who goes against the grain.

You can't help who you fall in love with... Things happen.

Now, granted, I am not saying I want my ex to start dating my best friend the day after we split... However, I will say more power to you if it's something true and not a rebound (or finding out that you've already been secretly seeing that person while we were still together).

[The_Lady_Snow]

I don't run into these issues in real life, if my ex is on here I'm going to assume they're gonna be grown and self edit and not involve all of BFP. It's unfair to drag your (general) community through muck cause your (general) ex has moved on.

In real life stuff like this doesn't come up for me, unless it's the ex husbrat and even then I can call the law.

[Rockinonahigh]

I'm going to put my $.02 worth in hear.Several years ago I dated someone I met on line who lives only an hour from me,we got along great for quite a while,untill I found out quite by accident she had had a long realtionship with a butch buddy of mine ten years or so back.At first it was a huge blow up from my now x friend(not over this) as I got handed all the crap that ended theire relationship,wich was a lot of old dry crap that both were responsable for.L (not hear) had long moved on from this but B (not hear) was still chewing the bone even tho she was in a fine relationship at the moment.It was totaly by accident that B saw us together at a drag show at the local hang out..B grabed me by the collor then proceded to drag me into the bathroom to give me the low down.I simply told her to let it go its been ten years and why are you still bellowing like a stuck cow about something long past.He couldnt even anser me on that question.I mean how long dose it take for people to let go of a suposedly past broken relationship?This is something I find a lot in dateing or meeting someone that they cant let go of whats done and over...I refuse to have a gost of past relationships in my current relationship,no mater how hard anyone trys u cant live up to the past.U can bet the other person has moved on a long time ago..I cant figure it out.It makes me feel like im not good enough,I try to understand but finaly I quit chaseing what is unaccesable.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Rockin you're a better person than I, let some mother fucker grab me by the collar cause they think in their mind they still have rights to their EX head. That's down right insane right there!

I see this a lot in hetero break ups

[easygoingfemme]

I think it totally depends on the circumstances.

I have some ex's who it totally wouldn't bother me if a friend dated. I'd be psyched if they made each other happy.

I have others who I would be totally crushed about should that happen.
I'd expect a friend to ask me before making any move in that direction.

As far as me dating a friends ex it would depend on all the same points. I'd generally go with the side of no way. However, if it was a casual short relationship and in well into the past I might ask her how she'd feel about it.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Rockin you're a better person than I, let some mother fucker grab me by the collar cause they think in their mind they still have rights to their EX head. That's down right insane right there!

I see this a lot in hetero break ups

I agree with this. Someone having a fresh break-up of a month or two is quite different than a 10-year break-up! Not to mention the battery of grabbing!

That is a call to !