Everything you wanted to know about dating...

[*Anya*]

Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up.

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

[Greco]

Anya,

I also do not google anyone, it is an invasion of privacy. If they want me to know they'll tell me. Have heard of much more then go ogling in this cyber world...some quite invasive.

Greco

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up.

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

[laruss]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Some of my not-so-successful dates are sad and some are humorous so I will also share some of them.

Skip this if you already read it in the zombie thread:

A couple of weeks ago, I met a woman for coffee. She had her own web-based business and seemed really stable before we met.

After chatting a bit, she proceeded to tell me that she was "really hot for Latinas".

I looked at her and said: "You are out of luck with me then, as I am clearly not". She then told me that the love of her life was Latina and passed away.

I told her I was very sorry to hear that because I was.

She then told me that her love had died of a heroin overdose and though they were living together for 5-years, she had not known that her partner was shooting up.

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Another Googled me having my name only and proceeded to tell me where I lived, how much my house cost originally and what my property taxes were creeped the hell out much? Yes, I was. Still am, thinking about it.

I can honestly say that I have never Googled anyone I have dated or been in love with. It feels like such an invasion of privacy to me. I just can't do it.

I don't know how the rest of you feel about it.

I have had quite a few very interesting and positive dates. This post, however, is not about them.

Anya these are hilarious and kind of scary. Good for you for getting out there and dating and experiencing new people. You never know when you will find "the one". They say you have to kiss a lot of frogs...

I have to say I have Googled people, whether dating them or not. I also Google myself on occasion just to see what is out there. It surprises me the info you can find. I more do it out of curiosity. Unless I was worried for the other person I would never tell them what I found. I did tell a friend when I found her cell number and home address listed for anyone at all to find. But, other then that I have never found anything out about someone that was a concern. I would never contact someone based on info I found on line. I would go through the proper channels and only use it if they gave it to me (eg: address or phone number).

I am a huge flirt, or I used to be, I am a bit broken right now. So, I typically have no problem getting dates. I talk to people everywhere and just like to get to know people. I have made some really good friends that way, and found some great loves. I am currently not interested in dating, but because I recently moved to a new area, I have put myself out there to make some new friends. But, I have been very clear that it is only friendship that I am looking for right now. I really need to find a community here and get to know a few more people in my neighbourhood.

I think it would be tough if you were shy, this is not my problem. I think forums like this (or any interest you have) are a great place to get to know people in a less threatening way. You get to know a bit about them and then you can decide whether to become friends or date. I have gotten to know some great people here as well as some other forums (art and writing forums).

Anyway, good luck to everyone.

One piece of advice I can give from my online dating past is not to take anything personally, they don't know you. We go on online dating sites to get to know people and so we may chat a bit, even move to the level of talking on the phone, may even meet, but it is all the 'getting to know you' process. Don't take it personally if it ends or the person disappears or isn't' who you thought they were. You don't know them and they don't know you.

Oh, I just remembered a bad experience...

I remember one time I was chatting with someone and we were about to move to the phone call step and they mentioned they were a cop. I personally don't date cops (my choice, I know I generalize and miss out on a lot of great people. No offense intended.) I worked for the police department and it left a bad taste in my mouth, so it is a blanket across the board rule for me. They questioned my why and I said that I had worked for the Police department and knew a lot of cops, even had some cop friends, but I didn't date cops due to what I knew about the personality type. I apologized and said it was nothing personal but it was my choice. They tried to defend and when I wouldn't give them my number and thanked them (I was polite the whole time), they got angry and abusive (point proven). I had not given them my number and next thing I know I am getting phone calls from them... abusive phone calls. My number was unlisted.

It didn't stop me from online dating or giving my number to people. I didn't take it personally. Their bad behaviour was on them. And yes this could have been anyone, I am not saying all cops are bad people.

For the most part I have had really good experiences dating. Not a lot of crazies like Anya.

[*Anya*]

Great advice about not taking things personally laruss!

I am pretty sensitive about a lot of things but for some reason, not much in the wonderful world of dating.

On the dating site where I meet potential dates, frequently I will get an email or a smile from women but when I read their profile (or see that they live in the UK or Costa Rica, to name a couple I have received); I just do not respond.

Conversely, I have sent smiles to women within my parameters of Santa Barbara to the north, San Diego to the south and they never responded.

I just figure that either they don't like my profile or my picture or that they fell in love with someone. Regardless, I do not take it as a personal rejection- I just move on. Who knows why they did not respond. It may have zero to do with me.

I might, however, say to myself: "Damn, she was really cute, too!".

Oh well, you can't win them all!

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

On the dating site where I meet potential dates, frequently I will get an email or a smile from women but when I read their profile (or see that they live in the UK or Costa Rica, to name a couple I have received); I just do not respond.

Conversely, I have sent smiles to women within my parameters of Santa Barbara to the north, San Diego to the south and they never responded.

I just figure that either they don't like my profile or my picture or that they fell in love with someone. Regardless, I do not take it as a personal rejection- I just move on. Who knows why they did not respond. It may have zero to do with me.

I might, however, say to myself: "Damn, she was really cute, too!".

Oh well, you can't win them all!

When I get an email or smile from a woman outside of Europe, I'll reply with "Thank you, but the distance is too great." I've resorted to putting "UK and Europe only" on my profile, and yet a few will ignore it.

I emailed a woman on a dating site and was ignored, a few months later we met in person at a local LBGT meet-up. After we chatted for a while, she admitted that she went on my looks even though she read my profile and decided to pass. We went on a few dates which were enjoyable, but there was no spark there for me.

I like to exchange a few emails and phone calls before meeting. The first "date" I like to be casual and take it from there. I don't have any expectations; I've learned not too. I went on a date at the weekend with a butch who was completely the opposite to my "usual tastes". We had a good time and met for lunch today.

Dating is both fun and frustrating and although I've been a quite a few dates that haven't followed on to anything more, I'm learning that my tastes are changing and I'm becoming more comfortable with certain things, such as a date being a couple of inches shorter than me (...only a couple, though, lol!).

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I think for me I have to pass on a coffee date. I am usually nervous enough without the added benefit of caffeine in my system. Though I do agree completely that the first date "interview" should be done some where public and at least semi-quiet. After all it should be about communicating with each other.

It has been quiet awhile for me since I have been on an actual date and I had better luck it seems before I found sites like this. That is because I really am a poor social communicator in written form. Now if you want an academic paper or resume I am your guy but social written communication, especially one-sided like in a post I am finding out that I often fail at it. So when I meet someone I am straight up front and tell them this and ask them to be patient enough to ask questions until we have reached the text stage which occurs before the phone call stage in my book. I find that taking the time to chat does help and especially if it is supplemented with emails.

I think I am one of the few people I know that does use Skype but has never had Skype sex. I use it as a way to get to know the persons body and facial language because they say so much more then words on a page or over the phone. Besides I do not have to type with Skype and I really do not like typing, to old school I guess. I have had women I do not even know well enough for them to know the city I live in try to be sexual with me on Skype though and it takes every thing I have not to say are you kidding me.

I have had people Google me and come back with questions that blew my mind. I wonder if they know there are more then one person out there with my first and last name. I have also had them say you lived here and here and my response is usually well yeah I told you that. Personally I try not to Google anyone unless they give me a reason to be suspicious and if that happens the relationship is usually over before it starts. I have however Google my own name just because I want to know what information is available to everybody and their mother that happens to have my name and the city I live in.

People wouldn't believe it but I am rather shy at first and a flirt even when I do not realize I am flirting with someone. I believe in friendship that builds to something but if I have been a friend to long I just can not go there. I can not switch gears so to speak. I have to agree with Anya though I would rather have the first meeting be sooner rather then later. You can find out a lot of things about someone online but nothing beats the face to face 'hey do we have chemistry' thing.

Besides I am much more me in person, I think everyone is to a degree. It is easy to hide things behind a computer screen and a lot harder to hide them in person. Always have a plan B or exit strategy though just in case. Like laruss says you do not know each other after all. No matter how much time you spend on here or the phone. The two of you know things about the person but you do not know each other. That takes time in my experience.

[*Anya*]

I want to talk a little bit about how butches and femmes find each other!

I always read people that post on BFP and that live in towns all across the USA, that write that there are no butches or femmes in their town.

I always want to ask how they try to meet them?

We have to be more creative and take some risks!

I am not on Match.com or OK Cupid but have looked at them and saw profiles all across America, in the most unlikely places! More than a few profiles specified "looking for femmes", "looking for butches".

Some even had user names like: "Looking4myButch" or "Femme4You". Can't get more clear than that!

There are MatchUp activities everywhere. They have activities ranging from dances, to hikes, to golf/camping/house parties, dog-walking on the beach, learning country line-dancing; etc. There are so many activities that pop-up on my email I can't keep track. There are also butch-femme groups for under 40 and butch-femme groups over 40.

I do understand that I live in a large metropolitan area, but you might be surprised to find that there are MatchUps near you and at the activities you will find. It is low-key and they always are around fun, non-meat-market-type of shared activities.

Just some thoughts on things to do or to look for, because we will never find "the one" if we just expect them to find us!

[ScandalAndy]

I think this has already been said, but ask them out! For me one of the most important things is to not sit around and wait for somebody else to make the first move. If you think you might be attracted to someone, or notice somebody out and about, talk to them! I got bit in the ass a couple times when I pulled that creeper move of standing near them and looking at them a lot, stubbornly waiting for them to talk to me first. At the end of the night they left with the person who came up to them and started a conversation.

That being said, I LOVE it when someone asks me out. I'm so used to being the one who does all the "chasing" that it tickles me pink when the other person asks me first, and they are much more likely to get bonus points for that.




And now I have a question: From time to time I will get a compliment on my hair or outfit. I was taught by my mother to say thank you and smile, but that's all I know how to do. I am usually overwhelmed with embarrassment and blush before running away afterwards. What if this is someone trying to start a conversation with me? Is there a better way to respond that can be done by a girl who sucks at accepting compliments? How do I find out if this is just a passing compliment, or an invitation to chat?

[*Anya*]

Great question Andy!

The compliment is the best ice breaker of all.

I always try to keep in mind that the other person is just as nervous as I am and maybe more. That person screwed up their courage to walk across the room (or wherever) to come and give you that compliment and are probably worrying that you will tell them to get lost or will turn your back on them.

No matter how insecure or self-conscious that I may be feeling, I try to set myself to the side to put the other person at ease.

Everyone likes to talk about themselves. Ask a question or give them a compliment in return ( a genuine one, if you mean it): "Thank you, I was admiring your shirt, too. That looks really good on you". Or, "I love your crew-cut. How often do you have to get it cut?"

Open ended questions work better than ones that can just be answered yes or no.

These don't work in every case but are some things that I have used to keep the interaction going.

We always assume that the other person won't like us, when it may very well be the other way around! In that case, I smile and say, "It was nice talking with you and thanks again for the compliment" and go on my way.

[SaltyButch]

Oh this is a wonderful thread...the stories I could share. It's been said a few times already that the initial meeting really shouldn't be a "date" it should be a meeting to see if there is a reason why you might want to date. The online experience and real time experience can be different so if you are meeting do something that you both enjoy which may help put you at ease. This initial meeting of course happens for me after I have had some online or phone conversation, if I cannot hold a conversation with you then there is no real point in meeting because communication is key for me.

The worst date I have ever had was a blind date for Pride...I know...I know...I should have known better, we went to a roof party and people I didn't even know were telling me to ditch the girl, I couldn't my integrity would not allow me to...we proceeded to meet some of her friends, she introduced me by the wrong name, and yes I still persevered.

We all went to a restaurant for dinner, thankfully I got along with one of her friends, and looked at this person with disbelief as my "date" leaned over across the table and said to her other friend in a not so quiet voice, I don't think she likes me....and her friend said you think it might have to do with the fact you called her by another name. Lawd save me now, we left and I took her home, and vowed never ever to do a blind date for Pride again. This same girl called me up and said hey you never called me....I wonder why.

[Soft*Silver]

I have dated alot. Alot. So much that amongst my friends, I am pretty much considered the lucky one.

I google everyone. Sorry if its an invasion of privacy. I dont look up your property taxes but I want to see your FB page. I want to know if you belong to hate groups. I want to know you arent married. I wouldnt dream of looking up your IQ but I might look up your dating profile on other sites.

I always talk on the phone first. Alot. And I ask a ton of "what if" questions to get a sense of personality, values and character. Ex: What if the woman you dated a few times suddenly had a death of a close family member. Would you be willing to attend the funeral and calling hours with her?

I make sure everyone knows I am DATING. Not IN a relationship the moment we meet. Lesbian Uhaul is a common theme. And I date more than one person unless I am in a committed relationship.

Recently, one of my acquaintances locally was going on match sites. She smiled at a woman, they talked once on the phone, and she began calling her her GF. Seriously? There was a presumption on her part that something was going to happen between them since they had similar interests. Well hell, so what if people like to read the same kind of books and like to watch The Big Bang Theory? So do many many other people, including those who you would hate to be around! It scares me to think of how sudden we bond!

[Sachita]

First of all I don't Google anyone. I may do a background check if they get to the point of moving in.

I need lots of time to know someone. I don't ever just hop in bed with anyone no matter how turned on I am. I'm not saying I never have, I have a few times but most of the time I take a long time getting to know someone. I must like you and enjoy spending time around you.

I like to date. I enjoy cooking us dinner, having you serve me (lol) going to walks, a bit of flirting and maybe some slow dancing. I like to let things simmer for a long long time.

I want to fall in love with my best friend.

[macele]

Okay this sounds corny, but treat people as you'd like to be treated. --Rope

the golden rule! works every time.


lesbians are no worse at dating than anyone else lol. i've never done the uhaul thing, and i think i make a rather good date, being lesbian and all. just thought i'd put that out there.

[1PlayfulFemme]

Originally Posted by homoe

Here’s something I’m willing to share on this thread! If someone has caught your eye and piqued your interest and you’re willing to take the risk and ask them out, my advice is to be specific and get the word ‘date’ in at some opportunistic moment. Being too vague is a mistake I think occurs all too often in the dating world

*Laughing* "dated" a woman once...and didn't know it until our 3rd "date". She NEVER asked me out...simply said we should "Hang out sometime" which to me..was NOT an invitation for a date. So, we hung out. Once. Twice..then on the third "date" she told me that she was talking to her best friend about this girl she was dating...I hate to admit, I still didn't know it was me..until she said my name in the story....

So, yeah...directness helps...

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Having sexual attraction does not mean jumping in bed with her but knowing it has the potential to have it all-love, intimacy, companionship and sex.

I'm no nun. I have jumped.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Another one was an ex-nun who shared with me that she had had sex with almost everyone in her order and was looking for someone to join her all-ex-nun weekly mass that they held on Sundays. Also out of luck as I am not Catholic.

Um .... looks like some nuns have jumped too

[*Anya*]

Funny post Ciaran, made me laugh out loud. Thanks

I started this thread for us to share about our dating experiences, to exchange tips and ideas, as well as for support.

This morning, I am also thinking about the not-so-fun side of dating.

There are many reasons why I honestly do not like dating. I look at it as a necessary "evil" ( just coining a phrase here folks-of course it is not evil at all).

Since "the one" is not going to just walk up and knock on our door uninvited, there is time and energy that goes into dating.

My hours at my job are now long. I rarely get a lunchtime (eat @ my desk) and breaks are a thing of my past.

When I get home @ 6 or 7, honestly, I am pretty done in. Chats on the phone in the evening, during the week are difficult for me.

What is really the hardest for me, is letting someone that is, on the face of it, a potentially wonderful partner know that the chemistry is not happening for me.

I find myself in this position with one of the women that I have been dating. We have had 3-4 dates because I wanted to be sure.

I absolutely hate to tell her somehow, someway. I did not want to tell her in a text, email or on the phone. That does not feel right to me. As hard as it is, I need to tell her in person and I am dreading it.

I know it is the right thing to do. Looking into someone's face and telling them, as nicely as I know how, "I am sorry but I don't feel it for you" or " "I don't feel that we/I have sexual chemistry together"?

I frankly could never, ever picture myself having sex with her.

How do I tell her? What do I say? What is the best way to stop dating someone and to preserve their self-esteem at the same time?

I have no idea. I think you can tell how often I have been in this position. I truly can't remember when.

Ideas? Suggestions?

Help!

[Chancie]

I went on a few first dates with people I met online, mostly through a now defunct dating site.

For me, if I knew after one cup of coffee that I wouldn't want to see my date again,

I told them directly, and

Because I had met them online, and

Because we had only gone out once,

I would send an email.

I would say, You are an awesome person, but

I didn't feel any chemistry between us. <-- Yes, I really did this.

Several dates might require a telephone call, but

Even if one is shy, I think an email is better than nothing.

I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think we have much in common, or

I liked meeting you. Maybe our paths will cross again some time.

<-- Is that too vague?

[Chancie]

Oh, oops, I missed that you want to tell your date in person.

Does a telephone call feel too casual?

I hope it's okay if I say,

Don't wait too long.

:yourdatemightentertainotherideas:

[The_Lady_Snow]

I once had a date with a sweet sweet woman who brought her Star Wars figurine collection with her to talk about during DINNER.

I have to say I was pretty impressed at the condition of her figurines and BORED.

So I payed for dinner, shook her hand and told her it was great but I wasn't interested.

I like to cut things quickly if nothing is going on, some dating lasted longer but if it was just dating then I made it clear it was simply that dating. I didn't have an expectation that a relationship was going to happen nor did I want them to have that same expectation.



That's why dating *for me* is enjoyable, I can date multiple people, or not and take my time getting to know them.

[*Anya*]

I think that maybe I went out with her a few too many times.

I have had coffee with several that it was easy to just say thanks but no thanks.

I also really wish that I felt "that way" about her.

She is stable, solid, mature, retired, financially well-off, funny and a very sweet butch.

Oh and she really likes me.

I guess I think that I should feel that way about her.

Damn.