Gender Evolution - Your Coming of Age Stories

[Write14u]

I've discovered that it's amazing sometimes how much internalized homophobia we grow up with. As a kid in the 70s and 80s, there were no really positive queer role models (with apologies to Liberace and Elton John, everyone I knew just thought you were fruits).
The portrayal of dykes certainly made me not wanna grow up and be one.

That said ...
I distinctly remember being 9 or 10 and wishing I were a boy. I had such the crush on my sister's best friend (who is STILL amazing looking). In my 10-year-old mind, being a boy was how I got her.
I was such a huge tomboy and baby dyke growing up that I'm still amazed how I veered so far away from who I was. I'll attribute that to my very strict,, religious upbringing. Homosexuality was (and still is, in their minds) wrong. I heard it every other Sunday from the pulpit.
So tomboy that I was, I conformed to society's notions of a girl. Boy, was that horribly wrong in some ways (and I have the pictures to prove it. LMAO).

Fast forward to age 27. I was having major doubts about my sexuality. And then my best friend kissed me. Doubts over. *grin* My god, I felt more in that one kiss than I had ever felt with a guy at any time. I felt it to my toes. She used to make my freaking hands sweat. (and laugh at my ass because I was always wiping my hands on my jeans around her).

I always knew I was butch. But back to that internalized homophobia. There was a stereotype that went with stone butch back then and I didn't want to look that way or be recognized that way. My how times have changed. *grin* These days, I look like what always scared me. But I've come into who I really am and I love every second of it.

My family still isn't so accepting and god knows they hate my faux-hawked, short hair, men's clothes and attitude (and also that I'm a Democrat. LOL). But it doesn't bother me. I'm who I am and I'm loving just taking the freedom to be who I am -- inside and out. I've spent the past 13 years figuring it out and becoming comfortable in my skin. I'm no longer 10 thinking being a boy is the only way to get the girl, you know? Unlike some of my queer friends, I never felt like I was in the wrong body. I just knew I wanted the girl. *smile*

I'm a week shy of my 40th birthday and it's been a long road to get to where I am now. Long, but not as troubled a path as many tread and for that, I'm grateful. I've seen the struggles of others and I'm appreciative of what they've gone through and grateful for my road. With this comfort in myself comes great excitement for what's down the road from here, you know?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.