What Should We Do To Effect Change?

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

Well I'm not a mom and I had a really hard time being a stepmom (my partner didn't want me to use that word, but I don't know what else to call it except I was that lady that lived in the house for a while).

So my views on raising boys are based on 1) my own miserable experience of living with a boy for over two years; and 2) my observations of lesbian moms—I'm thinking of five women whose homes I've been in and whose kids I've met.

I'm mulling over whether they raised entitled brats or responsible non-sexist men.

But you know what, the mom is not the whole equation. Society and culture and peers and the economy and their own DNA is such a huge factor in a kid's development. The mom does her best, is a huge, huge influence—but the kid also lives in a big world outside the family.

You're right, we can do our best to raise nice humans. But we're not totally to "blame" if they don't turn out that way, IMO.

(Said the non-parenting femme, who was a miserable failure as a "stepmom.")

Well said.

I don't mean to imply it's all on the mom, but I think parents have to start there, where the mythology begins to form. I did make that statement biased toward those who identify as female/feminine, and I apologize. Fathers are just as needed/responsible and capable. And it takes a village to raise a child - so many influences and factors that contribute. But, I think parents have the most impact.

I see a trend with the Baby-Boomer generation that will dissolve as that group passes out of the "changers and money-makers" realm - the mentality that the father is bread-winner and the strong sex and the woman is the stay-at-home domestic goddess where she belongs. People now raise their daughters to be strong, independent, smart, and make good choices that affect their futures. This was not always so. But, no one seems to focus on the boys, other than to teach them to be a responsible, productive member of society as well as the usuals (protect and never hit women, women are the weaker of the of two sexes). I think the newer generations will see a more balanced view between the sexes just as they are more accepting of the GLTB community.

Just as an aside, if your partner did not even recognize you as a step-parent in the relationship (this is me speaking with no knowledge of your relationship nor any of the parameters) then it stands to reason that you would fail as a step-parent. You were set-up to fail. You cannot be an effective parent where the other parent/partner devalues your role, mirrors to the child that you are just a temporary, non-parental fixture, and I hope that you don't judge yourself so harshly for that. I've dated 2 women long-term with children (I do not have children of my own). I understand, or at least think I do, many of the facets of this, but I still think, in the end, if you are not given shared responsibility and parental role authority in the relationship, then you will not be anything other than "the current one my parent sleeps with". This is fine for some and best for temporary, passing relationships. This is a whole other topic and thread, but I wanted to say this to you because I struggled with feeling like a failure also until I understood better what was really happening.