Prenuptial Agreements. Anyone have one? Anyone who would consider one if they married?

[Kent]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Hey, Kent, just to clarify, I am talking about two separate issues in the prenup. Money that happens at the time of divorce, and my partner's money in relation to her son at her time of death. I am not saying my partner would not get all of the money I have at the time of my death (including any money I received from my mother upon HER death).
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To clarify our position a bit more, neither of us our actually coming in to the relationship with a large amount of our own money (well, I am coming in with some retirement money). My partner is coming into the relationship with some money she received at her father's death. I will be getting some money at the time of my mother's death (most likely). So, for us, it is about protecting money that we received through our respective parents (her's now, mine later).

There is certainly no reason why we can't split the money we received from our parents when we divorce even if we have a prenup in place, but I can't think of a reason why that would make sense to either one of us to do that.

Currently, my partner and I do not share money. We do not share a residence. We would not do those things until we did marry. Perhaps if we were already sharing expenses it would feel different.

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To roll back to the original point though, and to be clear the above is not seen as me attempting to backpeddle, if we did come into the relationship with radically different amounts of money (see Anya's post), I assume I would still want a prenup. It would make things nice and clean at the time of divorce and I do feel that people should leave with the money they entered the relationship with. A prenup ensures that emotions don't come into play when it comes to the biggest stressor at the time of every divorce, the splitting of assets. For me a prenup has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with making things clean and easy. It has nothing to do with not trusting my partner.

Dapper, there's nothing wrong with the way you feel about the topic. But, just to clarify my feelings: if money is that important to someone, I doubt that I'll be marrying her. To me marriage is a sacred bond between two people who love each other til death do they part, money or no money. Money does not figure into my equation for marriage in any shape or form. Love is all that I want and need from a woman. Money is not important to me. Love is all it's about for me.

[Chancie]

It has been almost 20 years since the commitment ceremony where my ex and I celebrated our love in front of 135 friends and family. My best friend sang, When I Fall in Love, as we walked in hand in hand; my mother told a story she wrote for us; our respective sisters read poetry; and we danced with our fathers to Dinah Washington. I wore a dress that was made for me, with a satin bodice with embroidery and pearls, and tulle sleeves and a full skirt. My ex wore a cream colored suit with tails and Kenneth Cole boots.

I usually say, She fell out of love with me, but we were both unhappy and our breakup was ugly. I was financially dependent on her because I was in school. We had made an agreement that when I graduated, she would quit the job she hated, although she made a lot money. But, she hired a lawyer, which meant I had to hire a lawyer, and she fought me on every detail of the dissolution of our shared assets. Six thousand dollars later, I was in debt, without a job, with no place to live.

When we first met, I took an HIV test, and she cried when it was negative. Now I'll have you for the rest of my life, she said, but when our relationship ended, she would have kicked me out of the house we bought together.

[CherylNYC]

This thread caught my eye because I've been commenting to friends lately that the possibility of full and equal marriage seemed so far away for so long, and the reality that it will actually become available to us any day now came so quickly, that we as a community haven't even settled on the words we would use to refer to our legally wed partners, much less acclimated our minds to the messy reality that the state and the courts would become involved in the possible disintegration of our previously unrecognised relationships. I'm in no danger of marriage at this time, but many of my friends are or will be married.

For those who feel that a pre-nup wouldn't be relevant to them because marriage is forever, please consider what happened between my friends W and G. They're both professionals though G was the bigger earner. G had spent her working life building her assets which were considerable by the time she married W who had been far less concerned with her personal finances. They were married in a state that recognises marriage equality. G felt that her marriage was a sacred and permanent trust. Period.

W left the marriage after seven years. They hired lawyers. G gave W half her life savings in the divorce. Both women are my friends, and no one has suggested that W was a gold digger. The marriage simply failed, and W happened to leave the relationship in a far better financial position than she was in when she entered it. After a bitter period W and G are now friends again, thankfully.

There are way too many variables when it comes to personal relationships. This is a purely theoretical question to a single person without many assets such as myself, but relationships sometimes fail, and losing property/assets that you worked hard to accrue to someone who has left you would certainly be a bitter pill for me.

[sierragirrl]

I have gone thru a divorce the house was bought before we married the stocks were there before I came into the picture.
I took nothing when I left besides what was mine going into the marriage.
the only thing I took that was made during that time was a child.
I was a housewife and did not work but I did feel it wasn't fair to try to take what wasn't mine.to this day he still owns the house,his stocks,& 401k..

me I own a car and that's it.
I do however have his respect and I am lucky enough that he is one of the rocks in my life.
gold digger I am not

I would hope that If I ever did get married again the same respect would be there

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'm going to spend all the little bit of money I have on me, my adventures, my slave, my mini trips, my road trips, my Leather, my causes, my toys, and on HK stuff... Everyone else is on their own!!!


That said, no need fo' a pre nup.....

[sofimichi]

My fiance and I both come from families which have been divorced. We have both seen our parents fight for money and goods and we don't want anything like that.
We are planning on having a prenup. Truth is, we aren't Kanye West or Warren Buffet, and we don't want to be. But if something happened in the future which would make us have money, and if something were to happen in which we couldn't fix it, and just had to separate, I want her to have everything she came into the marriage with. Should we ever split up, I would hope that the person with the most income would be generous enough to help the other person.
We aren't wealthy (at. all.) but we think that being happy and safe is something no money can buy. And if the prenup makes us both feel safe, so be it.

[JDeere]

I am going to make up a pre nup if I ever get married, just in case.

If she won't sign it then it's not meant to be.

[storyspinner70]

If either of us had substantial assets of any kind, or we were doing something businessy together, there would definitely be a pre-nup. The best, most caring person in the world can turn into a petty bitch when things go bad - even if it's just for a little while. Human nature is far from a settled, obvious thing. Trust them; love them; but be smart enough that if the end should happen to come, it's as smooth and simple as possible - there's already likely to be drama and pain already, you sure don't need more over who gets the antique chifferobe and Minx the cat.

[JDeere]

I had another discussion with my folks, they said if I get married that I better get a pre nup.

I found out my sister's new husband signed one before they got married, it upset him but he signed it.

I think they are a good thing to have just in case problems arise and things go really sour, so yeah I plan on having a pre nup written out whenever time comes.

[kittygrrl]

pre-nups..I think if you are rich enough or are worrying about your riches and your judgement it's probably a good idea..it's foolish to enter a marriage when you're not sure what you are getting into, better live together and figure it out..it's basically insurance and I don't have a problem with people who want or need it..just not something I would be happy with.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by storyspinner70

If either of us had substantial assets of any kind, or we were doing something businessy together, there would definitely be a pre-nup. The best, most caring person in the world can turn into a petty bitch when things go bad - even if it's just for a little while. Human nature is far from a settled, obvious thing. Trust them; love them; but be smart enough that if the end should happen to come, it's as smooth and simple as possible - there's already likely to be drama and pain already, you sure don't need more over who gets the antique chifferobe and Minx the cat.

Exactly. And my question was if one would get a pre nup if they had substantial money to lose. Money you had coming into the marriage. If one doesn't have any assets than it is easy to say, no pre nup. I don't have much, but I spent 20 years skipping vacations and holding onto a car for 17 years in order to put money away for retirement. I would, and have, told partners who have had more than me, that a pre nup is the way for them to go...whether they married me, or someone else. I would hate to see them, or anyone get "cleaned out", which happens.

It doesn't me that you don't love your partner or expect to be with them forever. You can't foresee the future and people break up for all sorts of reasons.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Kent

Dapper, there's nothing wrong with the way you feel about the topic. But, just to clarify my feelings: if money is that important to someone, I doubt that I'll be marrying her. To me marriage is a sacred bond between two people who love each other til death do they part, money or no money. Money does not figure into my equation for marriage in any shape or form. Love is all that I want and need from a woman. Money is not important to me. Love is all it's about for me.

Money iis not important to me either. I also have nothing. I don't care about material goods. I really don't. I've moved around too much to see them as anything but a pain in the ass. I never wanted a morgage or to stay put.

I married someone who felt about those things exactly the same as I did. Exactly. It was fantastic. We never fought about money, not once.

And then forever fucked off with someone from work because her father died and she lost herself. Everything changed, very *VERY* suddenly. I didn't have a single doubt about her, not one. Not ever. And I don't trust people. But she chose someone who makes £100,000 a year with a house and to have kids with. As in she will be giving birth. She never wanted to have kids and the thought of giving birth wierded her self-concepts out.

Her father dying changed everything. everything everything everything.

When the divorce was in process I got a letter off of her telling me she saw our marriage as a business transaction.

you could have knocked me over with a feather. This was my anti-capitolist, socialist, die hard unionist, loving partner that proposed to me in a tree in Hamstead heath with a glass ring because we couldn't afford a silver one.

A business transaction.

Our wedding was in the snow in amsterdam during a full lunar eclipse on the longest night of the year.

A business transaction. that's all it meant to her now.

Invasion of the bodysnatchers.

We both had debts, not stuff. But my mom is not well and the gal I was dating at the time said "push that through asap before she gets her arsehole hands on your mom's inheritance"

I was given the option to file for 12 years of alimony because of desertion. Leaving me with all the bills etc.

I had left the country. what the hell did I care. But I thought about taking those 12 years of alimony to make her understand just what the fuck she did.

My dad told me no. let her go and make your own money, like you always have. So I signed the opportunity away.

Never ever think that people cannot suddenly change. I just learned that one.

Would I have a prenup next time? I have no idea. I don't have anything. I have 9 bags of stuff and 20 boxes and a student debt. That will change when I get my inheritance but we'll see. I'm not interested in anyone else's money. I've had people offer me the moon, and very wealthy people. It never impressed me and frankly rather put me off.

But who knows. But I do know that people can change on a dime.

[Blade]

I don't think anyone is contemplating divorce when they get married. I do believe it is in the best interest of both parties to create a pre-nup.

Rest assured, in a majority of the cases the person you marry, is not the same person you are divorcing. You can trust, but you can't predict how someone will behave when they are faced with dividing assets that were actually acquired before marriage, let alone the ones acquired during the marriage.

I was faced with sharing not only my 401k, but my company retirement as well. Also if my ex died before my retirement, then I would have owed the same percentage to the heirs monthly, when I began to draw from it. Heirs could have meant the next spouse. Umm yes this would have PISSED me off. You cheat on me and I'm going to end up paying the person you cheated with, for the rest of my life. WTF is that? This didn't pan out like this but for a while I thought it was going to, and it could have.

Count me in for a prenuptial agreement on the next marriage. Yes there will be another one, someday. I ain't scared.

[Rockinonahigh]

Yes I would have a prenup in a heart beat,I would protect my asetts plus whatever my son stands to inherit from me.I would also make shure whatever we accumalated dureing a marrige (if I ever did it again) that she would be taken care of finiancly in case of my passing or agree to an ammount of settlement prior to divorce.Getting married again is not high on my list of things.

[thedivahrrrself]

I think the issue of trust is a straw man here. EVERYONE trusts the person they marry when they marry them, but life can throw serious curve balls that fuck up even the best of relationships. A perfectly wonderful person can become an addict, for instance, and destroy the relationship 15 years down the line.

No one wants to think about divorce before marriage, but Anya is right. It happens about half the time. Not all of that is because people married an asshole. Most of the time it's two normal people who were (or maybe still are) very much in love, but they can't make it work for whatever reason. None of us can see the future.

As for me, I won't be pondering marriage any time in the near future, so I don't know exactly what I would do, but I do think it's prudent for both parties to at least consider a pre-nup, particularly if anyone comes into the relationship with a child.

[always2late]

I have no plans on getting married again. But, for those who are considering marriage, a pre-nup is not unreasonable. As other posters have stated, no one enters into a marriage thinking it will end in divorce, but it does happen.

My ex an I had a domestic partnership, entered into with the best of intentions. I would never have believed that the person I started our partnership with was the same person that appeared at the end. At the time of our split, I couldn't afford a divorce (it still rankles me that in NJ I wasn't afforded all the benefits of marriage...but had to pay the full cost of divorce). Anyway, I wasn't able to afford the divorce until a few years after our actual split. By that time, my ex had begun using drugs and was not the same person I'd known. Luckily, I had no assets or any money to speak of...because I know that in the state she was in, she would have tried to get whatever she could to support her habit.

We all want to believe a marriage will last forever, and that we can trust our partner completely...but things can, and do, happen. Life holds no guarantees.

[QueenofSmirks]

A lot of issues being raised here can be addressed through other means - wills, beneficiary designations, trusts, etc.

[Ciaran]

I would not get married without some form of pre-nuptial agreement. This would be a pre-requisite for marriage and I'd want this regardless of whether my prospective spouse was (much) wealthier than I am.


For me, it's not about adding up the $$$ and seeing who is bringing more assets into the marriage. Rather, it's about ensuring assets are ring-fenced which preserves a sufficient level of independence so that I have the choice to exit the marriage at any stage, should I wish to do so.


I feel the same way about joint bank accounts i.e. I would be happy to have a joint bank account for general household bills etc. However, the feeling of actually having joint bank accounts where both partners credit their wages too and manage finances on a totally joint basis would fill me with absolute horror.


Some may possibly say that, with my attitude, I should never consider marriage. They would be welcome to their views. However, there's no one size fits all version of a perfect long-term relationship.

[Jane Bond]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

But who knows. But I do know that people can change on a dime.

Mine changed on a dime, then the witch wanted 9 cents change from me. Sorry for what you went through, my dear, but it may help you to know you'll likely meet a woman far superior to the rat you married.
The way I see it, any woman would be better than the ex wife.

[imperfect_cupcake]

No. Not "any" woman would be better than my ex. There have been far, far worse.
And when we got together she was a VERY different person. Someone who treated me incredibly well, better than any one ever had, and genuinely loved me like mad. She was kind, protective, intellectual, and funny.
She was my best friend.

But the point is, she changed after going through trauma.

And that can happen to anyone.

So, now that I'm making good coin and I have an inheritance, pre-nup. And living either in seperate places or with stipulations that ensure I keep my independence and private space.

I'm deeply romantic and very caring. But I'm not a mug and I'm no ones nurse maid/cleaner either.