Have you lost everything? Encouragment needed

fatallyblonde · 01-11-2014, 10:21 PM

I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I am so so sorry for all the trouble and grief you have been through and I wish you all success and good fortune in rebuilding.

TruTexan · 01-11-2014, 10:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fatallyblonde

I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I am so so sorry for all the trouble and grief you have been through and I wish you all success and good fortune in rebuilding.

Exactly this above, well said fatallyblonde, well said.

always2late · 01-12-2014, 02:35 AM

I can't give much advice, as I've never lost everything in a fire. I saw your photos, and all I can say is thank heaven you and your family are all safe and well! You will all be in my prayers.

candy_coated_bitch · 01-12-2014, 05:04 AM

First of all, let me say I am so very sorry this happened to you. I have lost everything I own in a fire. I think I can imagine a lot of what you are going through right now.

I was moving into a new apartment and had moved everything except for my bed and two dressers (my big furniture) into the new place. I slept at my old place because I was waiting for my partner and my friend to stop by in the morning so we could move the furniture. Well, that night there was a fire in my new apartment. My new landlord called me in the middle of the night to tell me.

I lost literally everything I owned as well as a beloved pet, who I had moved in the night before because I thought he'd be safer out of the way the next morning. I SOOOO will not lecture you about running back in after your cat! Anyone who has an animal that dear to them understands. I am really glad everyone made it out safely, INCLUDING your cat. I carry around grief and guilt still over moving my bunny into the new apartment and he died because I made that decision. I know LOGICALLY it's not my fault, but those feelings are still there.

I can tell you, it does get better. I don't think when you lose everything that it ever entirely goes away--it's a traumatic experience. But you do heal. And it becomes more like a scar than a big, gaping wound.

What helped? People helped a LOT. I have always been very introverted and a bit of a misanthrope and though I've always had a few really close friends, I was not one to really consider many in the category of "friend". Well, I learned how many friends I really had. Help came from really unexpected places. People that I hadn't considered that close to me organized a food drive and clothing and blanket drive and whatever I needed drive. People I didn't even know gave to me. Money, clothes, shoes, dishes, a blanket to sleep under. It was REALLY humbling. Don't be afraid to ask for and accept help. Sometimes you really do need people in life--let them in.

I've never cared that much about STUFF. I've never had much. But I am an artist, and the one thing I have always cared deeply for is my art. I lost about 100 paintings in that fire, as well as a bunch of art journals. My entire life's work. It was like losing a part of myself. It's the way I communicate and navigate through the world, how I ground myself. I can't even explain how hard that was. The rest of it I could let go of except for the fact that one has practical needs in life--but my rabbit and my art? That was tough.

There's probably really, REALLY meaningful things that you have lost. But in the end it really is all stuff. You have yourself and your wife and your little girl and your furbaby. If I had slept in the new apartment that night, I would be dead. So, even though the losses are monumental, and I don't mean to make it sound like they aren't--you have everything you NEED. The rest flows from there. It really does. Just return to yourself. Whatever that is, whatever that means to you, just do it.

During the drive my friends had for me, one of the requested items for people to donate was art supplies. And the FIRST thing I did was paint. It was an act of defiance in a lot of ways, and I did it because I knew I would be paralyzed with fear if I didn't just do something right away. So I did. I didn't paint for a long time after that, but I slowly came back to it. It's been two and a half years and I had my first solo show since the fire this past summer with all new work. I will never recover what was lost, and it is still tragic to me--but I learned that what I need is still in my hands and in my heart and in my mind. I moved forward and I somehow just made it work. Really, unless you are dead--everything can be replaced.

You can make new art, have new experiences, make new memories, take more pictures, make more money. It just takes time. The old will begin to fade way and the new will come in and start to replace the losses. I'm not gonna lie, it's not all magic and rainbows and unicorns. That fire changed my life, and changed me. I still have a hole and always will have one. I reach for things I no longer have, still. I am on disability and supplement that income from art so I do NOT have a lot of money to replace things. I don't have much clothes, only three pairs of shoes, my art and art supplies, some blankets and pajamas, and some new make up and I am grateful for all of it. You learn to make do with less, but in a kind zen not being so wholly attached to things way. I definitely enjoy the things I have but I know for certain it will not destroy me if I lost it all again. It still pricks at me, but less often. I cried reading your post and reading this thread. The old grief cropped up, but it hasn't done that in a while.

I have the first blanket someone gave me right after the fire. It's this ugly ass afghan that looks like someone's grandmother crocheted it in the 1960's. I would've probably said before this all happened that you couldn't pay me to sleep under something that ugly! But it kept me warm on those first cold nights alone in an empty apartment. Someone gave it to me. I still have no idea who. Maybe their grandmother crocheted it and they decided they could part with it because I needed it more. Well, it sits in pride of place on my couch now LOL. Not with any conscious reason, but it grew on me and is meaningful. You will have to learn to get over yourself a bit in the process, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

So, yeah. After that ramble. I am sharing my story mainly because it's similar to yours. How many people survive a house fire that completely destroys everything they own? Not many. I am so SO happy that you all made it out. Start from there. Seriously, start from there and also let the support pour onto you from the outside as well. Accept it. Take it bit by bit by bit. Try to not even take in bullcrap about not having good enough insurance, blah blah blah. You have SOME coverage--that's great! Start with what you have. In hindsight, I would've been way better off if I had decided to get that renter's insurance. But it is what it is. Take what you have and see what you can make with it. It might be way beyond what your hurting hearts can even imagine right now. Do whatever makes you feel most strong and most like YOU. Because you is what you have. And that's a lot more than you might think.

Please feel free to PM me if you want additional support. I will be following the thread.

Julie · 01-12-2014, 05:58 AM

Erryl,

I just want to say to you that I am so sorry for the loss of your home and your beloved material possessions. Thankfully you are all safe and I would have gone back for my pets as well. I saw your photos and words cannot express my sadness for you all, but the great relief you are all alive.

When I was 12 our house burned down. I watched from my neighbors driveway. My dad, sister and I were out shopping for Chanukah presents for my Mom when the house went on fire. My Mom was alone. We drove up to firetrucks. My Mom got our dogs out safely, but she could not get Shane, my sweet bird out and she tried, the cage was too hot. The firemen tried. She was able to grab our photo albums, strange the things we go for. As a child, the same age as your daughter... It is hard and it is scary and a memory I will never forget. But, we heal - we always do. The things can be replaced, and the memories are stored in our minds.

Just know you can rebuild. That while your financial situation might be stressed, you can turn this around. You have proven that you three are survivors, you will survive this.

Sending my thoughts to you all!

Julie

BullDog · 01-12-2014, 09:05 AM

I am so very sorry for your losses.

I have not lost everything in a fire. I have lost many material possessions over time... due to decisions I have made or not made. In the past several months I have really missed my grandmother's quilts that I got rid of, many of my books and other things. My favorite material thing that I own in the world is a framed Kafka poster that is not with me right now. But other losses are more painful to me.

I am not someone who cares about material possessions, but sometimes certain things are a comfort and when they are gone you do miss some of them. In other ways it can be quite freeing not to have a lot. I feel both at the same time.

My saving grace is the unconditional love of good friends and my mother.

I take comfort in this:

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Peace to you and your family.

01-12-2014, 02:35 AM	#3
always2late Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: m'lady Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NJ Posts: 2,000 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,834 Thanked 6,231 Times in 1,462 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I can't give much advice, as I've never lost everything in a fire. I saw your photos, and all I can say is thank heaven you and your family are all safe and well! You will all be in my prayers. __________________ Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there ~ Rumi

01-12-2014, 05:04 AM	#4
candy_coated_bitch Pixie Stick How Do You Identify?: The arteest formerly known as musicfemme. Preferred Pronoun?: She. Relationship Status: Happily taken. Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Northampton, MA Posts: 11,293 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,723 Thanked 31,823 Times in 6,109 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	First of all, let me say I am so very sorry this happened to you. I have lost everything I own in a fire. I think I can imagine a lot of what you are going through right now. I was moving into a new apartment and had moved everything except for my bed and two dressers (my big furniture) into the new place. I slept at my old place because I was waiting for my partner and my friend to stop by in the morning so we could move the furniture. Well, that night there was a fire in my new apartment. My new landlord called me in the middle of the night to tell me. I lost literally everything I owned as well as a beloved pet, who I had moved in the night before because I thought he'd be safer out of the way the next morning. I SOOOO will not lecture you about running back in after your cat! Anyone who has an animal that dear to them understands. I am really glad everyone made it out safely, INCLUDING your cat. I carry around grief and guilt still over moving my bunny into the new apartment and he died because I made that decision. I know LOGICALLY it's not my fault, but those feelings are still there. I can tell you, it does get better. I don't think when you lose everything that it ever entirely goes away--it's a traumatic experience. But you do heal. And it becomes more like a scar than a big, gaping wound. What helped? People helped a LOT. I have always been very introverted and a bit of a misanthrope and though I've always had a few really close friends, I was not one to really consider many in the category of "friend". Well, I learned how many friends I really had. Help came from really unexpected places. People that I hadn't considered that close to me organized a food drive and clothing and blanket drive and whatever I needed drive. People I didn't even know gave to me. Money, clothes, shoes, dishes, a blanket to sleep under. It was REALLY humbling. Don't be afraid to ask for and accept help. Sometimes you really do need people in life--let them in. I've never cared that much about STUFF. I've never had much. But I am an artist, and the one thing I have always cared deeply for is my art. I lost about 100 paintings in that fire, as well as a bunch of art journals. My entire life's work. It was like losing a part of myself. It's the way I communicate and navigate through the world, how I ground myself. I can't even explain how hard that was. The rest of it I could let go of except for the fact that one has practical needs in life--but my rabbit and my art? That was tough. There's probably really, REALLY meaningful things that you have lost. But in the end it really is all stuff. You have yourself and your wife and your little girl and your furbaby. If I had slept in the new apartment that night, I would be dead. So, even though the losses are monumental, and I don't mean to make it sound like they aren't--you have everything you NEED. The rest flows from there. It really does. Just return to yourself. Whatever that is, whatever that means to you, just do it. During the drive my friends had for me, one of the requested items for people to donate was art supplies. And the FIRST thing I did was paint. It was an act of defiance in a lot of ways, and I did it because I knew I would be paralyzed with fear if I didn't just do something right away. So I did. I didn't paint for a long time after that, but I slowly came back to it. It's been two and a half years and I had my first solo show since the fire this past summer with all new work. I will never recover what was lost, and it is still tragic to me--but I learned that what I need is still in my hands and in my heart and in my mind. I moved forward and I somehow just made it work. Really, unless you are dead--everything can be replaced. You can make new art, have new experiences, make new memories, take more pictures, make more money. It just takes time. The old will begin to fade way and the new will come in and start to replace the losses. I'm not gonna lie, it's not all magic and rainbows and unicorns. That fire changed my life, and changed me. I still have a hole and always will have one. I reach for things I no longer have, still. I am on disability and supplement that income from art so I do NOT have a lot of money to replace things. I don't have much clothes, only three pairs of shoes, my art and art supplies, some blankets and pajamas, and some new make up and I am grateful for all of it. You learn to make do with less, but in a kind zen not being so wholly attached to things way. I definitely enjoy the things I have but I know for certain it will not destroy me if I lost it all again. It still pricks at me, but less often. I cried reading your post and reading this thread. The old grief cropped up, but it hasn't done that in a while. I have the first blanket someone gave me right after the fire. It's this ugly ass afghan that looks like someone's grandmother crocheted it in the 1960's. I would've probably said before this all happened that you couldn't pay me to sleep under something that ugly! But it kept me warm on those first cold nights alone in an empty apartment. Someone gave it to me. I still have no idea who. Maybe their grandmother crocheted it and they decided they could part with it because I needed it more. Well, it sits in pride of place on my couch now LOL. Not with any conscious reason, but it grew on me and is meaningful. You will have to learn to get over yourself a bit in the process, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. So, yeah. After that ramble. I am sharing my story mainly because it's similar to yours. How many people survive a house fire that completely destroys everything they own? Not many. I am so SO happy that you all made it out. Start from there. Seriously, start from there and also let the support pour onto you from the outside as well. Accept it. Take it bit by bit by bit. Try to not even take in bullcrap about not having good enough insurance, blah blah blah. You have SOME coverage--that's great! Start with what you have. In hindsight, I would've been way better off if I had decided to get that renter's insurance. But it is what it is. Take what you have and see what you can make with it. It might be way beyond what your hurting hearts can even imagine right now. Do whatever makes you feel most strong and most like YOU. Because you is what you have. And that's a lot more than you might think. Please feel free to PM me if you want additional support. I will be following the thread. __________________ My Etsy Shop My Patreon My Website

01-12-2014, 05:58 AM	#5
Julie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Angel * Femme * Lesbian * Girl * Woman * Slut * Bitch * Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: No longer a Virgin Bride to Dreamer ~ May 17th, 2014 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: New York Posts: 4,674 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,676 Thanked 18,160 Times in 3,633 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Erryl, I just want to say to you that I am so sorry for the loss of your home and your beloved material possessions. Thankfully you are all safe and I would have gone back for my pets as well. I saw your photos and words cannot express my sadness for you all, but the great relief you are all alive. When I was 12 our house burned down. I watched from my neighbors driveway. My dad, sister and I were out shopping for Chanukah presents for my Mom when the house went on fire. My Mom was alone. We drove up to firetrucks. My Mom got our dogs out safely, but she could not get Shane, my sweet bird out and she tried, the cage was too hot. The firemen tried. She was able to grab our photo albums, strange the things we go for. As a child, the same age as your daughter... It is hard and it is scary and a memory I will never forget. But, we heal - we always do. The things can be replaced, and the memories are stored in our minds. Just know you can rebuild. That while your financial situation might be stressed, you can turn this around. You have proven that you three are survivors, you will survive this. Sending my thoughts to you all! Julie __________________ “Sometimes only one person is missing and the whole world seems depopulated.” ~ Alphonse de Lamartine - 1790-1869 http://i374.photobucket.com/albums/o...ps4d9fb6c0.jpg I Love You ~ I Love Us May 17, 2014

01-12-2014, 09:05 AM	#6
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,640 Times in 4,463 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I am so very sorry for your losses. I have not lost everything in a fire. I have lost many material possessions over time... due to decisions I have made or not made. In the past several months I have really missed my grandmother's quilts that I got rid of, many of my books and other things. My favorite material thing that I own in the world is a framed Kafka poster that is not with me right now. But other losses are more painful to me. I am not someone who cares about material possessions, but sometimes certain things are a comfort and when they are gone you do miss some of them. In other ways it can be quite freeing not to have a lot. I feel both at the same time. My saving grace is the unconditional love of good friends and my mother. I take comfort in this: "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson Peace to you and your family. __________________ Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. - Rainer Maria Rilke

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

01-11-2014, 10:21 PM	#1
fatallyblonde Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian femme Preferred Pronoun?: She/Her Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: earth Posts: 446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 389 Thanked 770 Times in 181 Posts Rep Power: 7054721	I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I am so so sorry for all the trouble and grief you have been through and I wish you all success and good fortune in rebuilding.