Question to butches and how they deal with differences in dating

[candy_coated_bitch]

I am 37 years old and a Queer Femme.

I like to take things VERY slowly when dating/getting to know a new person. I'm like a skittish horse and it's very easy to make the wrong move with me if I am approached too quickly. I want a monogamous primary partner, I want to share my life with someone. This is something I WANT in life. (I have not always been in a place to attempt a relationship, but it is something I have always ultimately wanted.) I do well with monogamy, and when I feel I have had enough time to get to know someone and our dynamic and workings together I have no problem committing fully. Until I have had enough time, though, I am a total commitment-phobe and will run to the nearest exist if I feel pressured to make some kind of deep commitment quickly.

However--butches/guys (and I suspect people in general, but that's my dating pool so that's what I'm commenting on) usually want to move way more quickly than I do. I like to take my time to get to know someone and feel it takes a number of months to get a good sense of a person. If I feel someone wants some kind of commitment from me too soon I freak the fuck out. I will usually say something in a nice way that basically means you need to chill the fuck out or I'm gonna cut and run. And if someone can't respect my need to take things slow before a commitment is made I *WILL* cut and run.

I can get on the same page with someone if I really like them and we are compatible and the chemistry and all that is there. I will get there if someone can be patient. I WANT the relationship, I just don't want it all at once up in my face after a few conversations, or one date, or having fucked once. It REALLY makes me panic. I don't like the pressure and I have trust issues so I like to take my time and really know what I am getting into. And I absolutely believe that takes TIME.

For me, it's not about feeling shackled in a sexual manner, it's not a feeling I experience in my body--but rather more in my emotional center. I have only in one period of time in my history where I have had more than one sexual partner, and I'm very selective with whom I have sex, and I don't really enjoy sex unless I know someone a bit. However, I feel like somehow most people need to get some perspective that there's something between completely casual sex and we've-had-sex-once-and-we're-married-for-life. Phew! I don't generally have too many issues feeling sexually trapped, but I do have issues feeling emotionally trapped. But the sex and the feels get messy and overlap so the sex part is often involved. I don't like feeling emotionally pinned down into something before I am ready and I just simply can't make it work if a butch does not respect that.

So, I dunno. I feel like I come at this from a similar perspective as you, imperfect_cupcake. I'm not a butch and I also need to take dating/relationships on the slower side of things and often feel like potential partners just don't get it. Sometimes no matter how much chemistry there is, two people may just not be going in the same direction or want the same type of relationship. And there's not much that can be done about that. BUT, if two people are going in the same direction and want the same type of relationship (like say ultimately being in a monogamous relationship) and one of them needs more time to be comfortable committing to that, then that seems workable to me if the other person is willing to be patient. I have definitely been in situations where people CANNOT be patient, though. That also does tell me a lot because it's about my emotional boundaries and if they can't respect them off the bat then we have problems.