07-22-2017, 06:49 PM | #41 | |
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07-22-2017, 06:58 PM | #42 |
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Yes, I understand. It does seem we were all more like family even 5 years ago. I guess some still are.
Yeah the meaner stuff - I mean look where it is getting us in politics! I do think it is a huge red flag if you are dating from online and someone would want to meet in complete secret. If you are being discreet and your online community is none the wiser, that is fine. But I always have made sure when I am meeting someone that they give at least one person they personally know my contact information. If someone doesn't want that, it would be a huge red flag to me.
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07-23-2017, 07:37 AM | #43 | |
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There is no guarantee for anyone and one method is as good as another. Hell, I just saw a show that had a couple from the original Love Connection that were still together after 23 years. To each their own! |
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07-23-2017, 09:31 AM | #44 |
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I've been doing online dating for years and years now. It's easier for me as a shy guy when it comes to approaching women, to meet potential dates online. Also, having identified as Butch for all of those years and now Trans, it really narrows down your dating pool right? I'd rather come here and get to know someone via forums, chat, skype and then meet in person knowing that this person on the other side of my screen, gets who I am and appreciates me for being me. Yes, there are people who lie about who they are but that eventually comes out doesn't it? I've been lucky enough to not have gotten involved with anyone who has lied about something significant thankfully.
Yes, you can get to know someone online for a time and feel they are the best person in the world and then meet in person and it doesn't go so well but doesn't that happen when you meet face to face as well? You have a couple of dates, go out for months and then figure out that the other person is not for you. It happens in any time of dating medium. I also don't portray myself as something I am not and never will. I want someone to like me for me and not for some made up BS that I think they want to hear. Who does that benefit? I tried to date locally and I get either married women who are looking for someone to experiment with or people who just don't get the butch femme dynamic or get me for that matter. i just don't have the energy at this point to try to explain who I am. Do you know how hard it is to explain to someone who doesn't get it why I want you to call me he or why when talking about sex I always use male terminology in relation to myself? Anyway, long distance is hard, but if two people are willing to put in the work, it can be well worth it. I'm also flexible in my job and can live anywhere in the US so I keep that in mind when I'm starting a new online/long distance relationship. I know it doesn't work for everyone but there are many of us who it does work for so we keep on keeping on.
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07-23-2017, 08:15 PM | #45 | |
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07-24-2017, 09:38 AM | #46 |
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07-24-2017, 09:15 PM | #47 | |
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The first red flag for the first one should have been when she spent far too many pixels beating her breast while declaiming her honor. That's usually a sign that a person is deficient in that category. She turned out to be a dirt-bag liar, of course. She also changed gears instantly from charming to monstrous the last two dates when we saw each other face to face, which seems to be one of the signature moves of a person with BPD. There were other signs, but we didn't have enough in-person encounters for me to experience the full weight of her mental illness. Thank the Goddess. In the second case I definitely should have noticed that the butch in question was, according to her, always the completely innocent victim of everyone with whom she had ever been in conflict. That's usually the sign of a person unwilling to take responsibility for themselves. I should have noticed that. She also cried. A LOT. Which left me in a difficult position. I was deeply uncomfortable with her far too frequent tears, but as a feminist I would NEVER have questioned tears shed by a masculine person. That won't happen again. And she, too, changed from pleasant to dangerous in a heartbeat. I experienced her violence once and I fled. I cut off all contact just as I had with the previous BPD butch, but I spooked myself. How could I have been so blind? Since BPD isn't that easy to spot even in person, and since I seem to find those losers without trying, I'm no longer putting myself at risk with online encounters.
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07-24-2017, 11:03 PM | #48 |
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After coming out of a LDR & it was a pretty long LDR Usa to Australia, I like to believe I have learnt a lot about dating online & face to face & I try to keep my mind open to the possibilities of it again, however I do question things a lot more then I ever have before if I am consider the entire LDR thing again...
I hold no regrets meeting my ex online, but it was a difficult journey & it was a full commitment required to making the process a successful one, considering the distance we were both very cautious & we took it very slowly, we were consistently on skype IE: the only time we were not connected was when we were at work or out shopping etc etc.....We even had date nights via video & watched movies together via video etc, shared our lives with our real life friends etc.... (Yes it was all a little crazy) lol We did this online dating for 8 months prior to meeting & in that time I mentally got to know her quite well, including all the ups & downs of her personalities etc & it's pretty hard to hide the disguise of your flaws when you are consistently connected via video & voice 24 hours a day 7 days a week just as you would be in real life... Naturally the physical side was the only thing I found that was missing from the equation for that 8 months.... At least that's my experience of it all... Even though after 6 years living together & huge sacrifices were made from both sides of the scale it never worked out, but it was not something we took lightly...... I wouldn't have changed the experience & it has not left a sour taste in my mouth to not considering finding love that way again... With that said, I find it's just as easy to date in real life & go through the same roller coaster of emotions & the getting to know each others perks & quirks dance be it good or bad..... I think it just all comes down to balances & what we are willing to accept or not accept in our lives, we all have our own personal desires that are our "Comfort Zones" .... The only upside of dating face to face is the physical contact least that's my personal experience of it all... |
07-25-2017, 08:02 AM | #49 |
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I feel there is just too much stigma given to the words Online/Real life, local/LD.... Dating I think is just how one views it... Some consider it just online dating whilst others see it as something much deeper & much more personal to them...
Why can't we just name it.... Getting to know someone? The word dating seems to box it into this little square of perception that dating is only possible if it's done in real time or if they live within x amount of miles from me.... I don't feel that to be true... You often can't control who you fall for... Love is just love... For me it was much more personal then just an online date thing... I was spending the same amount of my real time quality time getting to know my potential partner then as I would in my real life... If you want something to work it's like anything... Effort needs to be made & you need to know what it is you're both reaching for & you're both on the same page otherwise it will never work... |
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07-25-2017, 08:44 AM | #50 | |
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I certainly can resonate with most of it. I have had past relationships with BPD & it is very difficult to know right off. My issue is when one doesn't "own their own stuff" & tries to blame everyone else . I have ended relationships when my gut was telling me to do so. A few years ago I was tangled up with an alcoholic who also had BPD and issues with being truthful. I found I always made excuses for her behavior until I finally saw things were not going to change nor would she own her own stuff. BTW she is not on this site and never was! With that said, like you, Cheryl, I am done with online & LDR's for a lot of reasons. It is just too difficult to maintain. From now on I am & will date only locally! I applaud those who are in them! I know LDR's & online can & do work, but has to be with both on same page! I have seen some really incredibly loving relationships like this that work. It just isn't for me
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07-25-2017, 03:14 PM | #51 |
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There are a lot of users on-line who want to move in with you right after they meet you, want you to put them on your phone plan, want you to buy things with your credit....on-line daters need to be aware that not everyone has good motives.
Luckily I never came across one myself, but I have heard of others who weren't as fortunate. |
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07-25-2017, 04:16 PM | #52 |
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I have to say for myself I have been pretty lucky with my relationships that started online. I had only one that was a disaster. She moved in with me while I was living in Seattle. After two weeks I was done then it got really interesting. She attacked me while I was in the bath tub. I was calling 911 and she started scratching me trying to get my phone away. The Seattle police were going to arrest her but I just wanted her gone. I went and took money out for her to drive back home the next day. I had to have two of my friends sit down the road while she packed up in case she decided not to leave. That left me reeling for a while. That was the first time I had to deal with crazy.
You learn through each online relationship, what you will and will not except. I feel how it's defined is between the two people involved. I think people that cat fish others gives it a nagative undertone. Thank you to all the people that have opened up on here about their experiences and lessons learned.
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07-25-2017, 05:30 PM | #53 | |
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The OP mentioned people not getting the *dating * part... that people want a marriage before the courtship...i don't get that either. IMO i cannot know someone until have been with them in person... the energy has to be right, so i could not date strictly online and definately could not plan a future with anyone i have not been with in person. i think people are sometimes just in a lustmance and confuse with being in love. |
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07-25-2017, 05:45 PM | #54 |
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A few years ago... *cough* ... this gal and I came up with a feeling and a corresponding phrase that described how we felt for one another. It was quite a bit more than like ... but not quite love... we decided we were In Lust with one another. Yup... definitely ... In Lust!
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07-25-2017, 05:46 PM | #55 |
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and there is NOTHING wrong with that! As long as you both know where you stand, or lay... who cares! Enjoy it!
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07-25-2017, 05:50 PM | #56 |
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07-25-2017, 05:52 PM | #57 |
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I don't see online dating as a substitute for actually being physically in someone's real time life. There is a point where that becomes necessary but getting to know someone in a forum isn't a big bad boogey man and as relevant as any other kind of meeting (to me). It's worked for me fine but if it doesn't work for you, that is also fine. This is a place to share ideas and experience but it stops where you want it to. I think this works for everybody-
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07-25-2017, 05:59 PM | #58 |
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What is the dictionary definition of date or dating? I guess I use #7, #14, according to Dictionary.com
There are as many definitions of date or dating as almost the number of days in a month:
noun 1. a particular month, day, and year at which some event happened or will happen: July 4, 1776 was the date of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. 2. the day of the month: Is today's date the 7th or the 8th? 3. an inscription on a writing, coin, etc., that shows the time, or time and place, of writing, casting, delivery, etc.: a letter bearing the date January 16. 4. the time or period to which any event or thing belongs; period in general: at a late date. 5. the time during which anything lasts; duration: The pity is that childhood has so short a date. 6. an appointment for a particular time: They have a date with their accountant at ten o'clock. 7. a social appointment or engagement arranged beforehand with another person, especially when a romantic relationship exists or may develop: to go out on a Saturday night date. verb (used without object), dated, dating. 11. to have or bear a date: The letter dates from 1873. 12. to belong to a particular period; have its origin: That dress dates from the 19th century. The architecture dates as far back as 1830. 13. to reckon from some point in time: The custom dates from the days when women wore longer skirts. 14. to go out socially on dates: She dated a lot during high school. verb (used with object), dated, dating. 15. to mark or furnish with a date: Please date the check as of today. 16. to ascertain or fix the period or point in time of; assign a period or point in time to: The archaeologist dated the ruins as belonging to the early Minoan period. 17. to show the age of; show to be old-fashioned. 18. to make a date with; go out on dates with: He's been dating his best friend's sister. Idioms 19. to date, up to the present time; until now: This is his best book to date. 20. up to date, in agreement with or inclusive of the latest information; modern: Bring us up to date on the news.
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07-25-2017, 06:03 PM | #59 |
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I think the hardest part is being able to spend a lot of time in person before making a long term commitment. It is logistically not easy - unless online where you live locally or not too far apart.
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07-26-2017, 12:33 PM | #60 | |
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I think the truth of the person comes out regardless in real time, or face to face on skype. I think we always know from the beginning. I believe we see signs and we chose to ignore or pay attention. Reputation in real life and online has some validity but the source is always important to note. I know from myself from experience i have never listened to others opinions of people I always gave people a chance, even if they were right at the end.
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