Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality? - Page 2

JustJo · 05-02-2011, 08:06 AM

I've never had a list of "must have" qualities, but like sassy I have a short list of deal-breakers...and those haven't changed.

If anything, I'm quicker to call a halt when I see a deal-breaker as I age. When I was younger, I tended to make more excuses for other people's bad behavior...which never works.

I've been single more than I've been coupled in my life...and while I don't rejoice in being alone, I'm comfortable with it and it doesn't scare me. I guess I adhere to the "better an empty house than a bad tenant" philosophy when it comes to relationships.

apretty · 05-07-2011, 09:42 AM

That's just it--My list was roughly this:

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well, but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way, can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company?

And was never about a bunch unachievable standards. --Though tall, dark and handsome doesn't hurt.

That said, as I matured and had a couple of significant experiences--I knew *kindness* was extremely lacking in the list of qualities that I sought. As soon as I revised my list (and became really super okay with my single lifestyle--basically stopped looking) I met E.

It's funny that 'kindness' was overlooked by me but I just never really saw it modeled in my parents--Though my dad was kind to my mother in his way, my mother could really never receive what passed for his love (and really, vice versa). Needless to say, I've done a lot of work in that department (and continue to do so).

Outside of all of that--Laugh at my humor and make me laugh and I'm seriously your's (E's) forever. --Though kindness, mutual respect and the capacity to give and receive love doesn't hurt, either. <3

Gaige · 05-28-2011, 11:42 PM

yes, i have a partner wishlist and I have revised it. Initially I wanted a woman around my age +/- 5 years. Now that's not so important to me.

Vivacious1 · 03-02-2013, 08:46 PM

I think this is an interesting thread. For myself, I don't thing the changes in preferences for my partner's is settling or adjusting to reality, I think it is me maturing. I can honestly say that I have been with partners that I felt were my "ideal" in one way or the other. Whether it be looks, financial stability, security etc... What has naturally evolved for me goes back to a statement that someone shared with me a long time ago. "I want someone to witness my life" This made me think before, however, until I began to be more mature and think about what life really meant to me, I seemed to be stuck in a pattern of "following an American Dream" that turned out to be fairly generic. I believe that we have each of our partner's for a reason, if we are wise we will learn something from each of them and keep our regrets to a minimum. I certainly have made my mistakes, but without those I would not have learned to be the woman that I am and I certainly would not have the ability to make the right decisions for my future.
I don't have a list any longer, it is either right or wrong, there is no in between.

Cailin · 03-02-2013, 09:29 PM

At the end of the day, All I want is someone who understands and accepts me- and still WANTS to be with me.... but the biggest list factor will always and forever be "trust worthy" and communication. If I dont have those, then there is nothing to have.

However, wanting brown hair, and green or brown eyes doesn't hurt

Nat · 01-13-2016, 09:06 AM

My list changed a lot when I realized kids weren't a part of my future - and then realized as much as I had wanted one that I was actually relieved to have this big uncharted future ahead of me.

But really that list is changing for me too - my dreams are changing - I don't know really what I want yet - my new dreams are still being dreamed up. It's kind of exciting. I wouldn't drag someone into that. I may never.

Life changes, people change, dreams change. It's not settling to listen to the longings of today and - especially if it doesn't require dumping someone overboard - to shift course for whatever longings suit the present you rather than whatever past you of perhaps different appetites and depths and longings may have at one time wanted.

Chazz · 05-07-2011, 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kobi

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

WELL, pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship ARE the bells, whistles, and fireworks ANYMORE.

Gráinne · 05-07-2011, 06:03 PM

It's been my experience that when I hear bells, whistles and fireworks, I should be listening for sirens and alarms. Danger! Beware!

I don't trust the "Lust at first sight" anymore. Back when I was younger, I would go with it and usually end up with someone with phenomenal sexual chemistry with me, or a great lover, or both. I admit it was fun! However, we usually wouldn't have that much in common in terms of values and goals, and you can't base a lifetime on sex.

I'm fine now taking my time to check out the person, no matter how attractive she is or how attracted I am. If she's worth it, she'll take her time, too. I want great sex, sure, but also the compatibility that you only find by communication.

So I don't call it "settling", as in I'd better take whatever comes down the pike, but instead getting much pickier. I'd rather be happy single than miserable in the wrong relationship again.

greeneyedgrrl · 05-28-2011, 11:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martina

People can meet all the criteria on your list, and it still might not work. i actually try not to try too hard. i find that the relationships the universe plunks down in front of me tend to work out better than the ones i try to make happen, meaning if i am thinking a lot about it and out there looking, etc. Not that i don't think looking and knowing what you want aren't good. They are.

But i can't trust my addict's brain. i tend to look for people who aren't that great for me. The universe has better plans for me than i do, so i try to pay attention to that.

i can totally relate to that!

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

It's gone from she must look like this and make z amount of money to will she make me laugh would I feel safe around her can I trust her without reservation. If I lost everything would she still love me and be my.cheerleader. I guess the older I get the.less picky I am. Now I don't expect someone to be anything than I'm not.

There is a huge difference in my list that I looked for in my 20's than what I seek in my mid thirties. But for me I have a basic list now and those are things for me that are not negotiab. So for me settling is not an option.

Yes I get lonely and sometimes ache so bad inside to be with someone. But the RIGHT person for me will only do. Settling is never right for both parties involved. Just my .02

i totally agree... and ugh the last part... i've been having to remind myself of that a lot lately, i keep finding people i'm not compatible with
(or they find me)...

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJo

If anything, I'm quicker to call a halt when I see a deal-breaker as I age. When I was younger, I tended to make more excuses for other people's bad behavior...which never works.

exactly!

Kitten.With.A.Twist · 02-13-2013, 08:04 PM

Interesting question posed here... What I am attracted to has not changed much over the last 16 years... once I figured it out, I figured it out in a BIG way

However what I 'need' in a relationship and what I 'want' in a mate has become more specific over my 48 years. I just had this conversation with my almost 17 year old daughter and I told her what I felt was 'important' in a relationship/partner/mate I realized that really DO have a much more specific list in my head than even I knew...

Curious as to what it is? I was, too.. so I wrote it down and looked at it for awhile. Here it is. Not sure how much I'm willing to compromise on the things listed, nor am I certain I could prioritize them. They are all very important to me, so in no particular order:

chivalrous, smart, brave, honest, kind, funny, nice to kids/waitresses/old folks, protective, helpful, enthusiastic, strong-willed, fair-minded, indulgent, lustful, thoughtful, patient, loving, financially-stable, affectionate, intellectually curious, vulnerable, confident, independent, creative, sexually assertive, communicative, trusting & trustworthy, and has joie de vivre

Geesh.. long list, eh?

Da Kitten who knows what she wants.. is it too much to ask?

Kitten.With.A.Twist · 02-15-2013, 08:54 AM

I also just realized that I need to be in partnership with a morning person... or at least someone who greets the morning (and me) with a happy face

I can be a night owl, too - but my primary 'best time' energetically is the morning - esp. the early morning - and I'm coming to realize that it's more of a priority for me than I ever thought about!

sara-bera · 02-15-2013, 10:11 AM

In my late teens, I knew what I wanted my relationship to be like but I've always been less specific about the person. I knew more how I wanted to feel with someone, I think, as opposed to what sort of person I wanted them to be. As a result, I've dated all sorts of people; I've run the gamut of ages, genders, professions, and personality types and I still came to find that it really is all about how I feel with the person, and not really who or what they are.

I mean, they do have to be certain things in order to cause me to feel a particular way, I suppose. For instance, I am submissive in nature and therefore I like the way I feel when I am with someone who has a dominant personality. But, they don't exactly have to be Lord Domly-Dom McMasterson in order for me to be happy. Just because someone likes to put a girl in handcuffs and spank her bum doesn't mean he/she's going to enjoy being the decision-maker in the relationship... which is what I actually need... more than the spankings (though, they're fun too).

I did make the mistake of thinking that Lord Domly was what I needed to be looking for. Further, I think that's a common mistake. People say things like "I need someone with a sense of humor!" Well, most people have a sense of humor - but does it mesh with your own? You could date a comedian and still be miserable. What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with.

At first glance, my Beau is super serious. I would never, ever, EVER, in a million years, think he had a sense of humor. But we laugh together often - more than I ever have with anyone else. We have silly games and inside jokes we share... that no one else might ever find amusing.

But I digress - my point of coming in here was to say that I gave up on what I wanted, in my late twenties. I didn't think I could find it. It was too hard. I settled on trying to find someone I could live with. And it wasn't enough. I shouldn't have done it... because I did end up finding everything I'd always wanted. It just took a lot longer and he certainly didn't come in the package I was expecting.

I think I'd probably be one to urge people not to settle. I gave up and almost missed my chance to be with someone I can't live without and who calls me 'indispensable.'

SuddenlyWestFemme · 02-15-2013, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sara-bera

What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with.

This really hit home for me. A relationship filled with happiness and laughter sounds beautiful.

I have had lists. But the lists have usually been surface (older than me, handsome, etc., etc...) until a friend asked me to really look at my list and go deeper. She asked why I wanted someone older than me? It really came down to my fear of aging and only being liked because I was deemed 'pretty' by society. So I realized I needed to change "older" to "someone who makes me feel secure and loved even on those I feel ugly days." Age (to a point) is irrelevant. Shocking that I didn't know that!

I do think there is a power in pen and tongue which is why I journal and write down my dreams. I have gotten relationships that pretty much match my lists..., but just as someone else on this thread said, I forgot to put kind on the list. So as I've gotten older, I've gotten wiser. Kind is now number one on my list! And I really only have three non-negotiable: Kind, sexually compatible, family guy (or wants to be a family guy). I have kids so a family lifestyle is unavoidable and I can't be with someone who is frustrated by that life.

Sometimes I am literally shocked at how my life turned out. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell that young girl that kindness is the most important thing... That you can't have a relationship filled with happiness and laughter if someone isn't kind to you. Someone who can be mean to others WILL be mean to you. But then I wouldn't have gotten the beautiful lessons of life. Those lessons that have made me more empathetic to others. The lessons that have made me more 'beautiful'.

As I get older, would I rather be alone than with someone that doesn't have the qualities I need? Yes. As I've said, my new list only has three non negotiable things... if you are not kind, sexually compatible with me, and a family guy... I need to be alone. True, there are other things I look for, but the past two years of being a single mom with no family within 2800 miles, has shown me that I can do it on my own. I know that I don't need to be rescued so would rather wait (okay... there is still a little piece of me that totally wants the knight in shinning armor to sweep me off my feet and tell me it is all going to be okay... progress not perfection).

I hope there is a relationship in my future. Recently, after a bit of panic at the thought, I figured out that I am ready for that chapter. I like the thought of additional laughter and love in my life. But I don't need it. And that my friends, is true freedom!

SweetJane · 02-15-2013, 02:05 PM

This is an interesting thread.

Settling? NEVER. I repeat. NEVER SETTLE.

Excuse me for the shouting. I've found it's hard to be alone, to not even date (when there's nothing wrong with me--the community is limited). BUT it's far worse to settle for a warm body who meet some of the characteristics on my list. I have met butches who have some of them but not all. And the spark just wasn't there.

I do think, however, that sometimes we refine our lists, making them more specific, thus putting something more exact out to the Universe.

When I met the butch who's courting me, I just put my list aside and let the Universe find the person best suited to me. I didn't expect to find everything, but I did... so far. (We will meet next month and, as they say in archaeology, we'll "ground truth" each other.

Don't give up. Keep your standards. But make sure you aren't being too picky on the surface.

Loving wishes to you all in hope you find your perfect partners.

Dance-with-me · 02-13-2013, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kobi

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Well, I have to say that at almost 54 I just found more bells, whistles and fireworks with my new gf who is 64 years old today than I ever had with anyone when I was younger, and this is in addition to the "pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship" and so much more. I put out a LONG list to the universe of what I needed and wanted and absolutely would not compromise on, while feeling certain that I'd NEVER find what I wanted because I was way too particular and my standards were way too high, and yet found someone who met every single thing on my list just days later.

And in a delightful twist, a few weeks ago she went through a box of her mom's papers and phots with her sisters, and they found a long list she'd made in 1983 of what she wanted, and I met every characteristic.

So my thought is, whether it takes three days or thirty years to get what you know you want, as long as those things are truly qualities of who that person really IS instead of more superficial characteristics, then you need to hold tight to what you know is right for you.

kissinfemme · 02-17-2013, 01:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kobi

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

I want both ~ the bells, whistles & fireworks as well as the pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship & I know it's possible to have both! Sex fuels the love, love fuels the sex & both are essential for the "glue" that keeps it all together.

Like everyone, I have a "hard" list of qualities that I must have in a partner & my list has definetly changed as I've grown older (& as each person has entered and left my life) & I am unwilling to settle for anything less.

One day.....

Jean_TX · 02-17-2013, 11:44 AM

This thread keeps popping up, so I thought I’d volunteer a “wish list” too. Objectively, my criteria for a “significant other” relate to three levels of a relationship:

1) Companionship
She must score favorably when judged against a list of attributes that I find necessary in any companion. Ideal qualities include
- Kind, considerate, thoughtful,
- Humorous, playful, <= Placid women need not apply.
- Interesting (i.e., intelligent, knowledgeable; good conversationalist),
- Confident, somewhat adventurous, <= Chronically indecisive and timid women need not apply.
- Filled with positive energy and enthusiasm, <= Pessimists need not apply.
- Loyal.

2) Deep Caring Relationship
If someone qualifies as a desirable companion, she could become a candidate for my “significant other” if, and only if, she meets all the following criteria:
- Lesbian,
- Feminine,
- Available (i.e., single, uncommitted),
- Open and honest (i.e., does not deceive by means of overt lies, extreme exaggeration, deliberate withholding of pertinent facts, or “weasel wording”),
- Trustworthy, moral, and ethical,
- Financially stable and independent.

3) Romance
The final and ultimate criterion is that we must have “chemistry” with one another. For me, “chemistry” is primarily a function of physical appearance, although demeanor and attitude are also factors. (Some people might regard this requirement as “shallow”, but it is no more “shallow” than choosing a partner based on any other unearned endowment such as intelligence, good humor, creativity, etc.) This “chemistry” can occur at any point, but romance only occurs if the other two levels of the relationship have already been achieved.

DISCLAIMER: Despite having written all the above, I confess that I do not (and would not) go about the choice of a “significant other” in an objective way. I don’t keep a spreadsheet tally of a particular woman’s attributes, nor do I consciously or logically consider whether or not she is a good fit for me. The “right” woman for me is a complex combination of attributes – a bit of one attribute, a dash of that, a large amount of another attribute, etc. There is no one ideal combination of ingredients! Just as with any recipe, the ‘proof is in the pudding’. For that reason, I make my choice based on my long-term response to her … The sound of her voice, the sight of her, the time I spend with her – do all these things make me feel buoyant and joyful? Is our relationship predominantly uplifting? Is her presence in my life a positive influence? If the answers to these questions are all “yes”, then I succumb.

alexri · 02-17-2013, 12:45 PM

I think there are certain things in the wishlist that aren't wishes but are rather non-negotiable deal-breakers. To me this is more serious than settling/not-settling. These non-negotiable items for me include physical or emotional abuse, lying, cheating, stealing, smoking, or being with someone who abuses alcohol or other drugs. For me, I don't think these are requirements that should ever be adjusted regardless of life's changes.

I do believe there are some standards that you just can't settle for, because if you did, the relationship is destined to fail. An example of being realistic and keeping your standards would not be hoping for a long term relationship with someone who has expressed no interest in being a parent, while you already have, or have always wanted, a family.

After the non-negotiable items, I look at what I'm willing to, for lack of a better word, compromise on.

No one is perfect. There is no perfect partner. We all have flaws and baggage, and we all make mistakes. I don't believe someone exists that is 100% of everything you're looking for in a partner. I think being realistic is finding someone who makes you happy, who shares common interests but not so much that it's like you were separated at birth, who will respect you, be honest, be loyal, be kind, and be trustworthy. And I think often we can be surprised by someone showing us things we never thought of in a partner, but will be thankful for.

At the same time, I would never ask or expect someone to change for me. If someone want to change something in his/her life it has to be because he/she wants to. If you ask someone to give up a lifetime hobby you hate, instead of compromising that the person can engage in this hobby without you/with friends, you're going to lose. Sometimes it's about finding the balance.

fever · 02-19-2013, 10:15 PM

I was looking at this thread, and your comments mirror my thoughts exactly. I am older than you are, but, still have a few good miles left. Maybe I am reflecting because I have been single 5 yrs, waiting for Mr. Right, and the wait seems insurmountable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kissinfemme

I want both ~ the bells, whistles & fireworks as well as the pleasant, consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship & I know it's possible to have both! Sex fuels the love, love fuels the sex & both are essential for the "glue" that keeps it all together.

Like everyone, I have a "hard" list of qualities that I must have in a partner & my list has definetly changed as I've grown older (& as each person has entered and left my life) & I am unwilling to settle for anything less.

One day.....

Ciaran · 02-20-2013, 09:10 AM

I don't have a list. In fact, if I were to have a list, the first thing on it would probably be that she doesn't have a list. People who are super-organised and overly defined are a massive turn-off for me.

More generally, for me, I find that opposites often attract as far as I am concerned - that's opposites in terms of personality, rather than belief system. I tend to be more attracted to those who smile and laugh often, have a sweet demeanour and don't take themselves too seriously.

05-02-2011, 08:06 AM	#1
JustJo Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: pushy broad Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Follow your heart; it knows things your mind cannot explain. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Southeast corner Posts: 5,633 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 24,417 Thanked 25,406 Times in 4,660 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	I've never had a list of "must have" qualities, but like sassy I have a short list of deal-breakers...and those haven't changed. If anything, I'm quicker to call a halt when I see a deal-breaker as I age. When I was younger, I tended to make more excuses for other people's bad behavior...which never works. I've been single more than I've been coupled in my life...and while I don't rejoice in being alone, I'm comfortable with it and it doesn't scare me. I guess I adhere to the "better an empty house than a bad tenant" philosophy when it comes to relationships. __________________ I'm not tall enough to ride emotional roller coasters

05-07-2011, 09:42 AM	#2
apretty Senior Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: sea shell Relationship Status: married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: san diego Posts: 1,687 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,927 Thanked 4,374 Times in 1,012 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	That's just it--My list was roughly this: If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well, but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way, can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? And was never about a bunch unachievable standards. --Though tall, dark and handsome doesn't hurt. That said, as I matured and had a couple of significant experiences--I knew kindness was extremely lacking in the list of qualities that I sought. As soon as I revised my list (and became really super okay with my single lifestyle--basically stopped looking) I met E. It's funny that 'kindness' was overlooked by me but I just never really saw it modeled in my parents--Though my dad was kind to my mother in his way, my mother could really never receive what passed for his love (and really, vice versa). Needless to say, I've done a lot of work in that department (and continue to do so). Outside of all of that--Laugh at my humor and make me laugh and I'm seriously your's (E's) forever. --Though kindness, mutual respect and the capacity to give and receive love doesn't hurt, either. <3 Last edited by apretty; 05-07-2011 at 09:45 AM.

03-02-2013, 08:46 PM	#4
Vivacious1 Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme Relationship Status: taken Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: Louisiana Posts: 220 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 195 Thanked 795 Times in 178 Posts Rep Power: 6042525	I think this is an interesting thread. For myself, I don't thing the changes in preferences for my partner's is settling or adjusting to reality, I think it is me maturing. I can honestly say that I have been with partners that I felt were my "ideal" in one way or the other. Whether it be looks, financial stability, security etc... What has naturally evolved for me goes back to a statement that someone shared with me a long time ago. "I want someone to witness my life" This made me think before, however, until I began to be more mature and think about what life really meant to me, I seemed to be stuck in a pattern of "following an American Dream" that turned out to be fairly generic. I believe that we have each of our partner's for a reason, if we are wise we will learn something from each of them and keep our regrets to a minimum. I certainly have made my mistakes, but without those I would not have learned to be the woman that I am and I certainly would not have the ability to make the right decisions for my future. I don't have a list any longer, it is either right or wrong, there is no in between. __________________ Well behaved women rarely make history ...

03-02-2013, 09:29 PM	#5
Cailin Member How Do You Identify?: Female.. and it's pronounced "cah-leen", not cay-lin Preferred Pronoun?: You Relationship Status: In one Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Texas Posts: 872 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 979 Thanked 2,630 Times in 739 Posts Rep Power: 15791749	At the end of the day, All I want is someone who understands and accepts me- and still WANTS to be with me.... but the biggest list factor will always and forever be "trust worthy" and communication. If I dont have those, then there is nothing to have. However, wanting brown hair, and green or brown eyes doesn't hurt __________________ De reir a cheile a thogtar na caisleain

01-13-2016, 09:06 AM	#6
Nat Senior Member How Do You Identify?: bigender Preferred Pronoun?: whatevs Relationship Status: in a relationship Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Tx Posts: 3,535 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,042 Thanked 13,964 Times in 2,589 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	My list changed a lot when I realized kids weren't a part of my future - and then realized as much as I had wanted one that I was actually relieved to have this big uncharted future ahead of me. But really that list is changing for me too - my dreams are changing - I don't know really what I want yet - my new dreams are still being dreamed up. It's kind of exciting. I wouldn't drag someone into that. I may never. Life changes, people change, dreams change. It's not settling to listen to the longings of today and - especially if it doesn't require dumping someone overboard - to shift course for whatever longings suit the present you rather than whatever past you of perhaps different appetites and depths and longings may have at one time wanted. __________________ I'm a fountain of blood. In the shape of a girl. - Bjork What is to give light must endure burning. -Viktor Frankl Last edited by Nat; 01-13-2016 at 09:26 AM.

05-28-2011, 11:42 PM	#3
Gaige Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Stone Butch Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: above my boots Posts: 2,097 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,649 Thanked 3,755 Times in 1,171 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	yes, i have a partner wishlist and I have revised it. Initially I wanted a woman around my age +/- 5 years. Now that's not so important to me.

05-07-2011, 06:03 PM	#8
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,864 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,114 Thanked 7,387 Times in 1,457 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	It's been my experience that when I hear bells, whistles and fireworks, I should be listening for sirens and alarms. Danger! Beware! I don't trust the "Lust at first sight" anymore. Back when I was younger, I would go with it and usually end up with someone with phenomenal sexual chemistry with me, or a great lover, or both. I admit it was fun! However, we usually wouldn't have that much in common in terms of values and goals, and you can't base a lifetime on sex. I'm fine now taking my time to check out the person, no matter how attractive she is or how attracted I am. If she's worth it, she'll take her time, too. I want great sex, sure, but also the compatibility that you only find by communication. So I don't call it "settling", as in I'd better take whatever comes down the pike, but instead getting much pickier. I'd rather be happy single than miserable in the wrong relationship again. __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

02-13-2013, 08:04 PM	#10
Kitten.With.A.Twist Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Born Femme. Preferred Pronoun?: Is "Darlin'" a pronoun? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Northern Colorado Posts: 84 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21 Thanked 185 Times in 47 Posts Rep Power: 1157027	Interesting question posed here... What I am attracted to has not changed much over the last 16 years... once I figured it out, I figured it out in a BIG way However what I 'need' in a relationship and what I 'want' in a mate has become more specific over my 48 years. I just had this conversation with my almost 17 year old daughter and I told her what I felt was 'important' in a relationship/partner/mate I realized that really DO have a much more specific list in my head than even I knew... Curious as to what it is? I was, too.. so I wrote it down and looked at it for awhile. Here it is. Not sure how much I'm willing to compromise on the things listed, nor am I certain I could prioritize them. They are all very important to me, so in no particular order: chivalrous, smart, brave, honest, kind, funny, nice to kids/waitresses/old folks, protective, helpful, enthusiastic, strong-willed, fair-minded, indulgent, lustful, thoughtful, patient, loving, financially-stable, affectionate, intellectually curious, vulnerable, confident, independent, creative, sexually assertive, communicative, trusting & trustworthy, and has joie de vivre Geesh.. long list, eh? Da Kitten who knows what she wants.. is it too much to ask? __________________ Da Kitten with a Twist When life gives you lemons, eat bacon!

02-15-2013, 08:54 AM	#11
Kitten.With.A.Twist Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Born Femme. Preferred Pronoun?: Is "Darlin'" a pronoun? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Northern Colorado Posts: 84 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 21 Thanked 185 Times in 47 Posts Rep Power: 1157027	I also just realized that I need to be in partnership with a morning person... or at least someone who greets the morning (and me) with a happy face I can be a night owl, too - but my primary 'best time' energetically is the morning - esp. the early morning - and I'm coming to realize that it's more of a priority for me than I ever thought about! __________________ Da Kitten with a Twist When life gives you lemons, eat bacon!

02-15-2013, 10:11 AM	#12
sara-bera Member How Do You Identify?: female Join Date: May 2011 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 1,161 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,687 Thanked 2,858 Times in 739 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	In my late teens, I knew what I wanted my relationship to be like but I've always been less specific about the person. I knew more how I wanted to feel with someone, I think, as opposed to what sort of person I wanted them to be. As a result, I've dated all sorts of people; I've run the gamut of ages, genders, professions, and personality types and I still came to find that it really is all about how I feel with the person, and not really who or what they are. I mean, they do have to be certain things in order to cause me to feel a particular way, I suppose. For instance, I am submissive in nature and therefore I like the way I feel when I am with someone who has a dominant personality. But, they don't exactly have to be Lord Domly-Dom McMasterson in order for me to be happy. Just because someone likes to put a girl in handcuffs and spank her bum doesn't mean he/she's going to enjoy being the decision-maker in the relationship... which is what I actually need... more than the spankings (though, they're fun too). I did make the mistake of thinking that Lord Domly was what I needed to be looking for. Further, I think that's a common mistake. People say things like "I need someone with a sense of humor!" Well, most people have a sense of humor - but does it mesh with your own? You could date a comedian and still be miserable. What people actually want is a relationship that filled with happiness and laughter. We should be looking for someone who we can laugh easily with. At first glance, my Beau is super serious. I would never, ever, EVER, in a million years, think he had a sense of humor. But we laugh together often - more than I ever have with anyone else. We have silly games and inside jokes we share... that no one else might ever find amusing. But I digress - my point of coming in here was to say that I gave up on what I wanted, in my late twenties. I didn't think I could find it. It was too hard. I settled on trying to find someone I could live with. And it wasn't enough. I shouldn't have done it... because I did end up finding everything I'd always wanted. It just took a lot longer and he certainly didn't come in the package I was expecting. I think I'd probably be one to urge people not to settle. I gave up and almost missed my chance to be with someone I can't live without and who calls me 'indispensable.'

02-15-2013, 02:05 PM	#14
SweetJane Member How Do You Identify?: stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: always solo Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 368 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 380 Thanked 815 Times in 198 Posts Rep Power: 4309957	This is an interesting thread. Settling? NEVER. I repeat. NEVER SETTLE. Excuse me for the shouting. I've found it's hard to be alone, to not even date (when there's nothing wrong with me--the community is limited). BUT it's far worse to settle for a warm body who meet some of the characteristics on my list. I have met butches who have some of them but not all. And the spark just wasn't there. I do think, however, that sometimes we refine our lists, making them more specific, thus putting something more exact out to the Universe. When I met the butch who's courting me, I just put my list aside and let the Universe find the person best suited to me. I didn't expect to find everything, but I did... so far. (We will meet next month and, as they say in archaeology, we'll "ground truth" each other. Don't give up. Keep your standards. But make sure you aren't being too picky on the surface. Loving wishes to you all in hope you find your perfect partners.

02-17-2013, 11:44 AM	#17
Jean_TX Junior Member How Do You Identify?: via driver's license Preferred Pronoun?: Jean Relationship Status: Not available Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 78 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 197 Thanked 216 Times in 61 Posts Rep Power: 1155756	This thread keeps popping up, so I thought I’d volunteer a “wish list” too. Objectively, my criteria for a “significant other” relate to three levels of a relationship: 1) Companionship She must score favorably when judged against a list of attributes that I find necessary in any companion. Ideal qualities include - Kind, considerate, thoughtful, - Humorous, playful, <= Placid women need not apply. - Interesting (i.e., intelligent, knowledgeable; good conversationalist), - Confident, somewhat adventurous, <= Chronically indecisive and timid women need not apply. - Filled with positive energy and enthusiasm, <= Pessimists need not apply. - Loyal. 2) Deep Caring Relationship If someone qualifies as a desirable companion, she could become a candidate for my “significant other” if, and only if, she meets all the following criteria: - Lesbian, - Feminine, - Available (i.e., single, uncommitted), - Open and honest (i.e., does not deceive by means of overt lies, extreme exaggeration, deliberate withholding of pertinent facts, or “weasel wording”), - Trustworthy, moral, and ethical, - Financially stable and independent. 3) Romance The final and ultimate criterion is that we must have “chemistry” with one another. For me, “chemistry” is primarily a function of physical appearance, although demeanor and attitude are also factors. (Some people might regard this requirement as “shallow”, but it is no more “shallow” than choosing a partner based on any other unearned endowment such as intelligence, good humor, creativity, etc.) This “chemistry” can occur at any point, but romance only occurs if the other two levels of the relationship have already been achieved. DISCLAIMER: Despite having written all the above, I confess that I do not (and would not) go about the choice of a “significant other” in an objective way. I don’t keep a spreadsheet tally of a particular woman’s attributes, nor do I consciously or logically consider whether or not she is a good fit for me. The “right” woman for me is a complex combination of attributes – a bit of one attribute, a dash of that, a large amount of another attribute, etc. There is no one ideal combination of ingredients! Just as with any recipe, the ‘proof is in the pudding’. For that reason, I make my choice based on my long-term response to her … The sound of her voice, the sight of her, the time I spend with her – do all these things make me feel buoyant and joyful? Is our relationship predominantly uplifting? Is her presence in my life a positive influence? If the answers to these questions are all “yes”, then I succumb.

02-17-2013, 12:45 PM	#18
alexri Member How Do You Identify?: - Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: - Posts: 549 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,209 Thanked 2,799 Times in 468 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	I think there are certain things in the wishlist that aren't wishes but are rather non-negotiable deal-breakers. To me this is more serious than settling/not-settling. These non-negotiable items for me include physical or emotional abuse, lying, cheating, stealing, smoking, or being with someone who abuses alcohol or other drugs. For me, I don't think these are requirements that should ever be adjusted regardless of life's changes. I do believe there are some standards that you just can't settle for, because if you did, the relationship is destined to fail. An example of being realistic and keeping your standards would not be hoping for a long term relationship with someone who has expressed no interest in being a parent, while you already have, or have always wanted, a family. After the non-negotiable items, I look at what I'm willing to, for lack of a better word, compromise on. No one is perfect. There is no perfect partner. We all have flaws and baggage, and we all make mistakes. I don't believe someone exists that is 100% of everything you're looking for in a partner. I think being realistic is finding someone who makes you happy, who shares common interests but not so much that it's like you were separated at birth, who will respect you, be honest, be loyal, be kind, and be trustworthy. And I think often we can be surprised by someone showing us things we never thought of in a partner, but will be thankful for. At the same time, I would never ask or expect someone to change for me. If someone want to change something in his/her life it has to be because he/she wants to. If you ask someone to give up a lifetime hobby you hate, instead of compromising that the person can engage in this hobby without you/with friends, you're going to lose. Sometimes it's about finding the balance.

02-20-2013, 09:10 AM	#20
Ciaran Member How Do You Identify?: Altocalciphilic Preferred Pronoun?: Papa Smurf Relationship Status: Curmudgeonous spinster Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: London (but from Belfast) Posts: 678 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 471 Thanked 3,654 Times in 602 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I don't have a list. In fact, if I were to have a list, the first thing on it would probably be that she doesn't have a list. People who are super-organised and overly defined are a massive turn-off for me. More generally, for me, I find that opposites often attract as far as I am concerned - that's opposites in terms of personality, rather than belief system. I tend to be more attracted to those who smile and laugh often, have a sweet demeanour and don't take themselves too seriously.