Stone Femme?

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by cinderella

meaning to read every post before I commented - but, being the ol' crotechy bitch that I am, I didn't have the patience nor motivation - I am so jaded, I believe I've heard it all before.

Let me back up a bit...for years, I was a Lesbian - I didn't know any better, so that's what I always called myself. I was involved in sexually 'reciprocal' relationships. And by 'reciprocal' I mean - you do me, I do you. Well, that never sat well with me, and I'll tell you why. I was a lousy 'lesbian' - according to what the 'ideal' sort of 'lesbian' was supposed to be - reciprocal 'everything'. Well, I just couldn't go there. I was accused of being 'straight' because I - too put it bluntly - didn't enjoy/like going down on a woman - nor a man, for that mattter (I was 'straight' for the first 20 years of my life). I just did not like it, could not stomach it, didn't want to, etc. - I think you get the picture.

To me, being 'stone' is not touching/feeling up a butch - not that I would want to - I don't. Never mind, 'going down'! That to me - and I am only speaking for myself - is unspeakable! It is nothing I would ever want to do. So, anyone I partner with, would have to be stone in that way.

Ok, enough said about my preferences & personal interpretation of 'stone femme'...carry on.

I appreciate your thoughts and whatever you just don't care to do certainly is a boundary you need to have respected.

I feel like you are making some generalizations about lesbian sex and stereotyping us. I certainly don't have a predetermined and narrow interpretation of what lesians always do. I haven't stuck to one and only one way of enjoying sex through all my years of lesbianism. Sex is fluid and can evolve. Identifying as a butch woman has not changed this at all for me.

Absolutely, sexual boundaries need to be respected. Stereotyping segments of the entire queer spectrum based upon what you individually have experienced and putting it into negative language (that is how this feels to me) is troublesome. As troublesome as when I see someone stereotyping or making negative judgements of a stone person. I am very careful as a non-stone individual to not make statements that could offend those that are stone and not generalize about stone sexuality.

[cinderella]

Yes, it does sound like I'm generalizing, and perhaps I am. I apologize for that, it was not my intention. The intention was not so much for 'generalizing', but to express *my* personal feelings and experiences, and the way *I* perceive them. My personal feelings are mine - I am not trying to speak for others. Perhaps I am coming across too adamantly strong and/or 'narrow' - but, it's the way I feel for *me*. It is neither right nor wrong, it is only right for me. I may be mistaken, but I believe the intention of this thread was to get feedback on our personal opinion of what we thought a 'stonefemme' to be.

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

I appreciate your thoughts and whatever you just don't care to do certainly is a boundary you need to have respected.

I feel like you are making some generalizations about lesbian sex and stereotyping us. I certainly don't have a predetermined and narrow interpretation of what lesians always do. I haven't stuck to one and only one way of enjoying sex through all my years of lesbianism. Sex is fluid and can evolve. Identifying as a butch woman has not changed this at all for me.

Absolutely, sexual boundaries need to be respected. Stereotyping segments of the entire queer spectrum based upon what you individually have experienced and putting it into negative language (that is how this feels to me) is troublesome. As troublesome as when I see someone stereotyping or making negative judgements of a stone person. I am very careful as a non-stone individual to not make statements that could offend those that are stone and not generalize about stone sexuality.

[Toughy]

I was involved in sexually 'reciprocal' relationships. And by 'reciprocal' I mean - you do me, I do you.

Femme gives butch a blow job, butch fucks femme with cock. Butch goes down on femme, femme gives butch a blow job. Both look like 'you do me, I do you' as far as I can tell.

To me, being 'stone' is not touching/feeling up a butch -

Huh? No wonder so many folks think 'stone' is not right with these kinds of statements. Every stone femme I know touches and feels up the stone butch they are with. Sex would be boring beyond belief if a stone femme just laid there and did not touch me.

I was a lousy 'lesbian' - according to what the 'ideal' sort of 'lesbian' was supposed to be - reciprocal 'everything'.

I want to know what an 'ideal' lesbian looks like and what they do in bed. I have been in bed with a bunch and I mean a bunch of lesbians. I have no idea what the 'ideal' 'lesbian' does. I have had plenty of sex with lesbians that was not reciprocal 'everything'. Oh yeah............I am a lesbian although I don't particularly like the word, but it fits.

I just wish this stereotyping would stop. Stereotyping stone sexuality and lesbian sexuality does not work well.

[jac]

Originally Posted by cinderella

meaning to read every post before I commented - but, being the ol' crotechy bitch that I am, I didn't have the patience nor motivation - I am so jaded, I believe I've heard it all before.

Let me back up a bit...for years, I was a Lesbian - I didn't know any better, so that's what I always called myself. I was involved in sexually 'reciprocal' relationships. And by 'reciprocal' I mean - you do me, I do you. Well, that never sat well with me, and I'll tell you why. I was a lousy 'lesbian' - according to what the 'ideal' sort of 'lesbian' was supposed to be - reciprocal 'everything'. Well, I just couldn't go there. I was accused of being 'straight' because I - too put it bluntly - didn't enjoy/like going down on a woman - nor a man, for that mattter (I was 'straight' for the first 20 years of my life). I just did not like it, could not stomach it, didn't want to, etc. - I think you get the picture.

To me, being 'stone' is not touching/feeling up a butch - not that I would want to - I don't. Never mind, 'going down'! That to me - and I am only speaking for myself - is unspeakable! It is nothing I would ever want to do. So, anyone I partner with, would have to be stone in that way.

Ok, enough said about my preferences & personal interpretation of 'stone femme'...carry on.

When I think of a stone femme, I think of the individual you are portraying here. The assured confident woman that knows for sure and certain that she does not want to have any part with feminizing her stone butch partner. Ok allow me to kind of explain where my mind is going with this... As I mentioned in the stone butch thread, I had partners months and years later in our relationship ask for the unaskable... To me, and speaking strictly for myself, it makes me a bit uneasy and standoffish to hear a femme say that she is "open to anything." It kind of feels like there is room for options, but for me I am certain that there is absolutely, positively no options. I guess it's that trust thing and my past experiences that have me feeling like this. I just want to know that the femme I partner with is 100% certain. There is someone for everyone and just because I am strict with how I expect things to be does not mean that there are not different levels to the stone butch continuum. I am just saying that I am all the way to the far right on that continuum... like... back against the wall, no more space for further options, far right. I hope this does not offend anyone and how they perceive themselves to be... This is my own personal feeling about the stone butch that I am. And thank you for this thread and all your words on the topic... I am thoroughly enjoying it!!

[Kätzchen]

I made a post about 2 years ago on another forum board, subjectively, about my idea of who I think I am. At the time, I only owned a part of my identity: Being Stone and Femme (two separate identities, the way I see it for me). It’s only been lately that I have been willing to publicly own my Alpha side. I am a Stone Alpha Femme: Three complete identities on their own yet meld oh so beautifully inside the crucible of me.

I have edited my previous post for clarity so that I can marry another aspect of my identity, my Alpha side. My offering is a revision of ‘my thesis;’ a description of my own personal evolution.

I begin my revision by invoking what Alpha looks like on me (it’s my favorite dress but I only let my Alpha side out on special occasion) through filters of two separate lenses: Stone and Femme, both of which are tempered and seasoned by the Alpha in me.

I first came into my Queer Femme identity fairly late in life. In the beginning, back when I first knew that I was not of a heterosexual orientation, the only term I knew about that seemed to describe me was "Lesbian." That term didn't really work much for me over the years because as I grew in my identity, I knew that something was not entirely right for me. I am the female of the species. I own other gendered constructs as well, but I was about 43 when I came into my brand of Femme. What being Femme translates into for me is a very Queer process and feeling. I was about 47 when spending a considerable amount of time reading forums discussions labeled Stone Femme, which helped me to explore what being Stone might mean to me and by the time I was 49, I came to see that I have more of a Stone side than I cared to admit to and I'm not saying that my feeling that I am Stone, in my own ways, is a bad thing. It's a good thing for me because of my long journey in finding out exactly what works for me as a Queer identifying Femme.

Owning Stone identity on the Femme spectrum is connected to what I prefer sexually. My preference is that I am the one who receives sexually initiated contact. I cannot experience acts of sexuality if it is expected that I would be the person to initiate in the way that a queer identifying Stone counterpart would. I am a willing Stone Femme bottom: This is how I fully submit within a sensual/sexual experience. The way my sexual counterpart penetrates me (intellectually, emotionally, viscerally, et al) gives me the greatest pleasure and causes me to have the most fulfilling encounter possible. I have a very deep need to be "filled" in ways that only a Stone identifying partner could give to me. It sends me into total orbit, allowing myself to experience sex this way, the only way I can fully experience our exchange of energy. However, as much as I can be a Stone Femme bottom, my sexual repertoire is a kaleidescope refracting prismatically all the possiblities of sexual pleasure yet discovered or well known.

However, other aspects of my personal makeup take on and exhibit other Stone qualities (boundaries, for example). To a certain degree, I am hyper-private about myself: Lots of people might say that they feel that they experience issues of privacy in all sorts of ways. But when I use the term private, I am saying that I enforce what the term private (or privacy) can mean in hyper-like ways. Like when it comes to disclosing aspects of my life or what preferences I have, as it pertains to particular sexual acts or acts of sensuality (in face-to-face encounters or in text). I trend toward dressing my expression with creative disclosureso that my ideas, or what I have to say, makes its appearance in subversive ways. I have to be in a certain frame of mind and have an established bond of trust in order to be able to even talk about things that are entirely very personal or might be connected to issues of past abuse.

My experiential views of abuse does inform my definition of Alpha. As well, my parents and family life on a rural dairy farm groomed my Alpha traits in peculiar ways. Similar to scientific study on alpha members of a dog pack, my place and role in my family sibling arrangement (second eldest, eldest female) took on the scope of alpha status because my parents innately recognized me as being their ‘brightest star’: Their ‘atom’ worth nurturing in their cosmic, organic, molecular arrangement (the constellation of us as siblings). Whether I wanted to comply or not, I was charged with the care of my siblings and entrusted with complicated decision making processes that only grown adults might take on willingly. It was, and still is, an “it is what it is” kind of thing. I took care of things; made sure our work got done, and delegated tasks and managed timelines so steep in learning skills that I swear my brain has suffered every step of the way since time first began for me! But every aspect of family life (the good, bad or downright ugly) prepared me for raising my sons and managing whatever life brings to me (past, present and future). It seems to me that any kind of suffering I endure drives the Alpha in me.

I’ve been in the online butch-femme community for almost nine years now and it’s taken me a lifetime (it would seem) to bloom: Presently, the dressing room fragrance of my evolutionary process smells like the essence of Stone Alpha Femme (Dragons Blood- my essential oil perfume fits me so perfectly).

[spritzerJ]

Originally Posted by stone4play

When I think of a stone femme, I think of the individual you are portraying here. The assured confident woman that knows for sure and certain that she does not want to have any part with feminizing her stone butch partner. Ok allow me to kind of explain where my mind is going with this... As I mentioned in the stone butch thread, I had partners months and years later in our relationship ask for the unaskable... To me, and speaking strictly for myself, it makes me a bit uneasy and standoffish to hear a femme say that she is "open to anything." It kind of feels like there is room for options, but for me I am certain that there is absolutely, positively no options. I guess it's that trust thing and my past experiences that have me feeling like this. I just want to know that the femme I partner with is 100% certain. There is someone for everyone and just because I am strict with how I expect things to be does not mean that there are not different levels to the stone butch continuum. I am just saying that I am all the way to the far right on that continuum... like... back against the wall, no more space for further options, far right. I hope this does not offend anyone and how they perceive themselves to be... This is my own personal feeling about the stone butch that I am. And thank you for this thread and all your words on the topic... I am thoroughly enjoying it!!

First....
Thank you all for sharing on this topic. It is a blessing to be allowed to explore understanding through your experiences and thoughts.

Next...
I choose to quote stone4play because it speaks to my fear/concern... How does one explore their changing notions of themselves and sexual expression without hurting, pushing, disrespecting others in the process? I deeply do not want to hurt others in my deepening and awakening. I know it is a risk... so I continue to read and hope conversations will lead to clarity while limiting risk.

Further more... My understanding of boundaries, what I desire, really desire, in an intimate relationship are emerging as I learn the words for what I feel. As my pain illuminates what I want to be by being in contrast to how I am being. I feel like I can breath a bit knowing "stonefemme" is something I can define and refine. I am thrilled to know that being the receiver is pleasure for another. I strongly desire to be, not just submissive, a person that creates a place for one to be and receive them and have my enjoyment be their pleasure, a shared pleasure.