Letting Go Of Friendships

[betenoire]

I have dumped lots of people.

I've dumped the woman who would get drunk and almost get hit by a car / puke all over the place / pass out in public / wander off and worry me every time we hung out.
I've dumped the woman who would pretend to be a confidante and then the second my back was turned tell everybody who would listen her own exaggerated version of how I was feeling and why.
I've dumped the woman who only liked me when I was talking about how cool she was, but who would turn into a crazed 7 headed monster at the lightest criticism.
I've dumped the man who would call nightly to whine about his life - and never once asked me how my day was.
I've dumped the woman who was so obsessed with her own weight that she became obsessed with everybody else's bodies as well and would lecture me about every thing I ate.

When I was 20-ish and I broke up with Jesus (raised religious, changed my mind) I ended up having to break up with nearly every one of my friends, because they were SO intent on winning my soul back that it became the only thing we could ever talk about. I decided if the most important thing about me was whether or not I was going to get into heaven that those weren't friendships that I needed, either.

Hell, I've even had a recent mutual-dumping. (Wherein the person did something shitty to me and when I found out about it they didn't like my reaction - so we simply stopped talking.)

After ever person I've dumped I absolutely have gone through a stage of sorrow/mourning. But that passes. And the temporary feeling of loss was exactly that - temporary. All of the exasperation, anxiety, and hurt feelings I experienced every time I interacted with these people would have been permanent if I hadn't turned them loose. So sure, in the short-term it sucks - but in the long term it's just aces.

I was once dumped by the man I considered my best friend. There was this complicated (and bad idea situation) where we were dating another set of bestfriends. The girl he was dating (who was also the bestie of the boy I was dating) and I didn't get along. She used to say things like "oh that is such a pretty dress! I would want to borrow it but it would be way too big for me!" (Nevermind that she was wearing a 14 at the time and I was wearing a 16 - so WAY TOO BIG FOR ME my ass). She would just in general make tiny sideways jabs at me all day long and it got to the point where I was so paranoid and so perpetually insulted that I would bend over backward and behave like a kicked puppy trying to get her to like me.

One day that became too much and I snapped. I wrote a long and very public tirade on Livejournal (of all places) about what assholes the three of them were and how I was going to break up with my boyfriend immediately and I would also avoid my friend until he and that girl he was dating broke up. I created a "filter" on LJ so that I could post that without the three of them seeing it - then forgot to post the entry with the filter attached. So they all saw it. Me and the boy (who I was crazy about, but I was also only 25 and back then it was easy for me to become crazy about people) broke up - which was for the best.

My friend also never spoke to me again. Even though he and that girl broke up a month later, we never made amends. I deserved that. It was crappy of me to gossip about him on LJ. It was crappy of me to never once try to talk to him about what was going on, instead opting to just hold onto it until I blew up all over the internets. And chances are I had been acting like a nutbag for months before that happened, because I was so tense and worked up over the situation. I probably wasn't all that great to be around at that juncture either.

[Martina]

i have not stayed in touch with a few people because it felt like work. i have fallen out of touch with people i still consider friends too. That seems to be my guilty thing. i wish i didn't do it. If i took better care of myself and had fewer distractions from my health, i imagine i would stay in closer touch. Definitely something i feel very bad about.

In terms of dropping sick or crazy people, i rarely go through the sense of loss once i realize that they were harmful to be around. Usually i have to process the stuff they did to me. i resent the hell out of the time that takes and find that hard to forgive. Time is precious. As is one's sense of safety. People who compromise that are hard to forgive. i often wonder how they live with themselves -- not in terms of just me. They do what they do to others. It's hard to understand people who justify and feel OK about harming others.

i also feel really stupid and duped and i resent that too. It's a terrible feeling. All of it makes one less trusting.

My big lesson has been if someone will do something to others, it's just a matter of time till they do it to you too. What narcissism on my part to think that i would be an exception.

i am embarrassed and ashamed to admit this stuff too.

i am grateful for the fabulous friends i have and that, whatever ups and downs i have had in my romantic and D/s life, there has been respect. i can't imagine what hell it would be like to be in an intimate relationship with some of these folk.

[WolfyOne]

I haven't talked to my oldest brother in over 10 years
He was an ass before my mom died, made an even bigger ass of himself at her funeral
He's vindictive and an instigator
I have no use for him at all

I have 5 brothers and 1 sister and speak with only 3 brothers on an irregular basis
I have learned over many years and plenty hard knocks, family isn't always made up of blood relatives

[Daywalker]

When I let go, there is no dramatic Exit...no last words.


I simply turn and wander away.
Because at that point they are no longer privy to my world.



It is rare you will hear me speak ill of someone.
But if I do, it is not on a whim ~ it comes from cause n effect.

'Cause when someone effects me Negatively, it can trigger
not only icky feelings but can actually impact me physically.


I learned to be selfish with my energy.

I've been known to give folks more than 3 chances.
I've been known to hand out benefit of the doubt like it's free candy.


I've been known to bury mah head in the dirt when icky stuff arises
(hence the nickname of Ostrich*cough*thanks Juney)

I've also let go of folks that I found out were using mah FB page to stalk
my Friends that removed them from their lists. That's just creepy,
and I'm not down with that.


Being selfish with your time and energy has its place.

[Estella]

Originally Posted by Daywalker

Being selfish with your time and energy has its place.

No question - well said.

[Ebon]

I always have to let go of energy vampires. I am not very graceful about it though. I usually just stop talking to them.

I have an ex friend that is using the system to get disability and charging people to live at her house. She goes from one person to the next and someone is "always screwing her over". She is nice but every story that she tells about her interaction with someone that she has helped ends with "they had tears in their eyes".

I keep my distance from my family because they are always asking me for money. I mean it's even at the point where my sister makes up stories about why she needs the money. This is the only time I hear from her. We never have a conversation unless she needs money. She won't help herself so I won't help her.

I had a good friend that was doing heavy drugs and it was affecting is life and job. He would be fine for awhile then would start back up again. One night we went out and he invited some guy over to do drugs with him. His choice I don't care. Then he started asking me to go to the ATM to get him money so that he could by more of his drugs. That's when I left and never spoke to him again.

I had a friend that always had a problem with something and was very opportunistic. For example he's in the drive thru at Taco Bell and they don't give him enough napkins then he wants his food for free. Or if he didn't like the guys tone that took his order he wants his food for free. I had to let him go.

I'm sure there have been times when people have dumped me. I know at one point I was at a stage where all I did was talk about this girl that I liked very much and it had to be annoying. I also used to need validation all the time when I was younger now it annoys me if someone does it. lol I grew up and see the world and people a bit more clearly so now I don't put up with as much crap as I used to.

Also anyone overly religious that thinks that they need to "save me" have no place in my world.

[Arwen]

Thanks to everyone who has shared here. I'm at work so can't post long response. Just kudos, y'all.

[Apocalipstic]

I have been known to hold really big grudges, I am learning to let it go.

On the other hand, I have let friends go because they seemed toxic and years later we meet back up and it is like nothing ever happened...we grew back into each other.

I have been toxic at soem points and when I know I am way toxic, I try to stay away from people as much as possible.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by Ebon

I had a friend that always had a problem with something and was very opportunistic. For example he's in the drive thru at Taco Bell and they don't give him enough napkins then he wants his food for free. Or if he didn't like the guys tone that took his order he wants his food for free. I had to let him go.

Oh god, I hate that! It's SO embarrassing for the people that are with them, and they don't even realise it.

[Apocalipstic]

One thing that is really hard for me is walking away when a friend's drug or alcohol intake is making them not them, and knowing that in walking away I may never see them again.

[PinkieLee]

Most of my adult life, I've lived by the saying that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Each person and/or relationship is meant to teach a lesson, for one if not both of us.

With me, there is no harsh exit. I bless them with love, wish them well, and simply walk away.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I have been known to hold really big grudges, I am learning to let it go.

On the other hand, I have let friends go because they seemed toxic and years later we meet back up and it is like nothing ever happened...we grew back into each other.

I have been toxic at soem points and when I know I am way toxic, I try to stay away from people as much as possible.

I love this, Apocalipstic! Well, everything but holding on to big grudges. I tend to be the opposite and forget why I was ever upset with the person in the first place. It takes quite a bit to push me completely away and to date that has really only happened once. Very recently, as a matter of fact. And this person had been in my life for nearly 13 years on a very close and intimate level. I had tried to sort through my feelings toward her for years and could never put my finger on exactly why I felt so much animosity and distrust with both her and our friendship. I remember a conversation I had prior to making the difficult decision to end our relationship premanently, where I made scare quotes when saying the word friendship, and the person I was talking to had to stop me and point out what had just happened. I had just acted out my feelings in a very poinent manner and the truth was quite telling.

I have also been toxic to people at different times in my own life. And like Apocolipstic said, those have been times when I know I need my own space and time to sort through whatever is going on for me so I don't continue in a destructive manner. It's SO hard to recognize unhealthy behavior and for so many years I distanced myself from friendships all together because of how exhausting they could be.

As for forgiveness, I believe that I have a great capacity to forgive people who have hurt me. I don't want to go to my grave with any anger or resentment in my heart. The bottom line for me is that we are all so incredibly different and I know that my openness and loving nature leaves me a bit more vulnerable to emotional predators, but I get better and stronger every day and am learning not to take on everyone else's shit as my own personal cross to bare. And it feels good.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by CatalinaRose

I love this, Apocalipstic! Well, everything but holding on to big grudges. I tend to be the opposite and forget why I was ever upset with the person in the first place. It takes quite a bit to push me completely away and to date that has really only happened once. Very recently, as a matter of fact. And this person had been in my life for nearly 13 years on a very close and intimate level. I had tried to sort through my feelings toward her for years and could never put my finger on exactly why I felt so much animosity and distrust with both her and our friendship. I remember a conversation I had prior to making the difficult decision to end our relationship premanently, where I made scare quotes when saying the word friendship, and the person I was talking to had to stop me and point out what had just happened. I had just acted out my feelings in a very poinent manner and the truth was quite telling.

I have also been toxic to people at different times in my own life. And like Apocolipstic said, those have been times when I know I need my own space and time to sort through whatever is going on for me so I don't continue in a destructive manner. It's SO hard to recognize unhealthy behavior and for so many years I distanced myself from friendships all together because of how exhausting they could be.

As for forgiveness, I believe that I have a great capacity to forgive people who have hurt me. I don't want to go to my grave with any anger or resentment in my heart. The bottom line for me is that we are all so incredibly different and I know that my openness and loving nature leaves me a bit more vulnerable to emotional predators, but I get better and stronger every day and am learning not to take on everyone else's shit as my own personal cross to bare. And it feels good.

I amn working on the resentment and grudges thing! I don't want that negativity in my life any more. Definitely work in progress!

[J. Mason]

I do hold grudges and won't really let go even after the friendship has been dissolved.
I do not go out gracefully by any means, I make myself known and the reason why I have done what I did.

Right now I am in the process of letting go of some people who were once friends, it is kinda painful but when you do what you did, than you get what you get from me.

[Rockinonahigh]

Over the years I have had a fue grudges that I never ask for nor did I ever expect to deal with.The ones hat hurt the most are from the people I trusted most that either stabed me in the back or have been a family thing to deal with.One is with someone who I worked for but didnt see that side of them till I had worked for them for several years...total turnabout that left me reeling,if I saw that person today I would have to turn and walk the other way..its better that way.The other isnt my grudge, its a cut off from my oldest son,we have had problems over the years but nothing to cause this. I have no clue as to what started this.I have tryed to call,wrote letters..I could go to his house but wont because of the people he hangs out with that are some of the worst trouble makers in town.I am not safe there at all.Maybe one day I will hear from him..but I doubt it.

[Arwen]

Cara, I agree. I think she is using the word grudge as a sort of shield.

I think it's good to break the word "grudge" down. I have a really negative connotation as well.

Verb: Be resentfully unwilling to give, grant, or allow (something).
Noun: A persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.

So for me, I don't want to use it in this case as the noun because that makes me feel like I'm giving up my energy for people who are no longer allowed in my hula hoop area.

But as a verb? I'm very much loving that for this use. I am extremely unwilling, resentfully so in fact, of giving granting or allowing a person I deem as toxic to have any place in my life.

So I can see where hold a shield/grudge in this case would be a healthy thing.

I also know that it can be an overkill to hold a grudge to the extent that you have to do whatever you can to take that person down. I used to cross the line with great regularity. I was mean and evil when it came down to it. I would go out of my way to point a finger and stick a foot out to trip someone up.

I can't do that any more because of the energy. I truly believe it ties me to that person in a distinctly unhealthy way. So, like others here, I would rather bless them and release them.

What I will do now is answer as honestly as I can if anyone asks me a direct question about someone I am no longer friends with. I'd rather not engage in gossip and character assassination. It isn't healthy for me. It isn't putting myself first.

[Passionaria]

Have I ever held a grudge?
Yes, sigh, but I do know it hurts me too. I have noticed though that the older I get, and through accepting my own mistakes, the more compassion I feel for the human delima. Life is so messy.

Have I ever let go of a friendship?
Yes. I am very picky about who is in my inner circle. I'm not attracted to negative, or cold people, or malicious. Once I see a person does not mean me well, or I find they gossip about me behind my back when they can't be honest to my face, I'm done. I just walk away. With a loss of respect.

I have some very old friends who's behavior works my last nerve sometimes and I have walked away from them for periods of time. But, if the bond is strong I usually take them back into my heart, and don't expect them to be what they are not. Sometimes when you are really someones friend you have to love the good and bad in them, and see it for what it's worth. The question then becomes is it worth it? And often it is, occasionally it's not.

Have I ever lost a friend?
Just once, and I was crushed. We did a lot of talking about what my mistakes were, and I made some. We never did address their part in it, with complete candor or disclosure though. I did learn a big lesson by the experience; when to shut my **** mouth. Emotional roller coaster rides are best taken in the privacy of your own home, with the internet and phone OFF! LOL

Pashi

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by Passionaria

Emotional roller coaster rides are best taken in the privacy of your own home, with the internet and phone OFF! LOL

Pashi

That needs to be quoted and quoted and quoted again! Well said all of it, Pashi.

[tazz]

i tend to NOT blend/mix well with people who are constantly moody and have a temperamental side. those with egos.

i tend to attract and be attracted to those who are tolerant, kind, honest, and compassionate

i am a sensitive soul with a Very passionate spirit.

people who know me Very well, tend to describe me as such:

"be my friend and i will give you the shirt off my back and my undying loyalty, otherwise get the FUCK outta my way..."

and if i get burned... the nail goes in the coffin, sealed, and you are out of my life, for good.

[Rockinonahigh]

When I was going to college I met a couple of queer girls,they were a long standing couple with two kids and one was in my class at school,we became colse friends over the years.As time went on the drama became so bad I wouldnt anser my phone when they called,at school I kept things very brief then went on my buisness.I finaly had to end the friendship because of the feeling like I was being drained dry with the constant needyness of the both of them,when they split it was a double dose.I finaly changed my phone number then quit going to the places we use to go to.I didnt give them a reason I just walked away as quietly as I could.Over the last year I have cut people who were emetional vampires out of my life.I dont want to hold grudges,I dont have time or energy for them..all the energy I have now is put to doing good things that are possitive...feels so much better.