How do you communicate when you're angry?

[sylvie]

When i get angry about something, i step away from the situation or the person a bit and get myself back together.. i'm not a fighter, so for me i tend to figure it all out on the inside, and then i deal with the situation rationally, somehow.. if i can make peace or find forgiveness, that's what i work for..

But, if i can't, rather than stew in the stress or negativity of it, i will distance myself and move forward when that is possible.. But in terms of defending myself or the ones i love, then i will voice myself and then i'll shake it off, embrace the ones i love & defend and move forward..

i just don't have room in my life for anger, or dwelling on it.. i forgive easily in most instances.. Life is short.. And if i can't forgive it must be something big and probably is something i need to step away from altogether..

[Hollylane]

Never go to bed angry......

[Duchess]

I tend to be calmer and give more thought to my words so that I'm clearly understood. Shouting and screaming never helps any situation.


Duchess

[Angeltoes]

There has been nobody who angers me much in a long time anyway. My kids are the only ones who I could potentially yell at, but that's so damaging to kids so I don't. If my 7-year-old won't listen to me I remove his favorite things from his room or tell him what the punishment is and that's usually effective. That's life when you have children. My anger is probably visible, but relatively calm. Even if someone is yelling at me, I walk away. If I express anger it comes out in snarky, bitchy or sarcastic comments, I may smirk and be silent or cry depending on the situation and sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's been done. I guess you could call it passive-aggressive. It's not constructive but that's what I do. I wish I could say I communicate my anger well, but like Gemme, my role models were not good. My background is also Italian/Latin and it's true that there is a tendency toward very 'passionate' expression in those cultures. I personally was screamed at constantly as a kid, but I was very withdrawn and didn't fight back very often. I'm jumpy and sensitive and I overreact all the time, but I let out anger very slowly. My passion is expressed in the bedroom instead.

Some people won't even analyze or be honest with themselves and have no desire to improve, but nobody is perfect and the first step, I think, is a willingness to admit that no matter how old we get we all need to grow and evolve and never think we're done changing .

[Darbonaire]

When I am truly angry...dark, blood red angry...I speak very softly....sort of through my teeth actually. You don't want to be around me or hear that tone....it happens seldom....very seldom....

I have noticed that when I am not living true to myself....when I am doing something that isn't right for me but I do it to please someone else, or just do it to get it over with...I can only lie to myself for so long then I explode....unfortunately, it is often directed at the wrong person...it should be directed at myself.....it has caused some problems these last few years.....I have found that physical activity helps......breaking 2x4's over boulders is great....lol.....some friends of mine suggest throwing raw eggs against a wall as hard as you can.

I have become ...over the last few years....a "yeller"...it isn't becoming OR productive...I've made some changes now that should aleviate a lot of what was causng me anger so....onward & upward, right?

[SaltyButch]

I am not one to get angry very often but if I do, I become very quiet and will most likely remove myself from the situation and say I can't talk at that moment and go somewhere and cry. Once I have composed myself I will talk with the person, speaking deliberately so they hear what I am saying and I in turn will listen and hear what it is they have to say.

The likelihood that I will get that angry is very slim as I am a communicator and like to address things before they reach the boiling point, so my calm easy manner serves me well.

[Soon]

In my family, anger was never taught or modelled as being a healthy expression of how one felt.

I think this was especially true for the women in my family (three daughters--one brother--who was the oldest). Aggression (unfortunately, even physical) was sometimes ok for my dad and my brother, but I was one of the only one of the daughters of three, who ranted and raged as a teenager and fought the perceived injustices of my family. I actually think my *acting out* was better than one sister who, I think, internalized all her anger at certain aspects of our childhood and was fraught with eating disorders and a severe depression.

I still am dealing with the ramifications of being *that* middle child who rebelled. I think that teenage rebellion was, in part, being so frustrated, so angry, that there was no healthy means of communication to express any emotions about shit that happened in our family.


Every vulnerable emotion in my family was tight -- emotions under wrap (love or anger or hurt) -- especially as something as vulnerable and revealing as expressing anger. There were a lot of silences, unspoken words and tension in my childhood household.

Unfortunately, not having any ways to express anger, as a child, manifests into now avoiding this emotion whereby I sometimes suppress it or it comes out at random times in ways that are not accessible to a partner. I have, in the past, chosen someone whose anger is greater than mine (about life or whatever). It is easier for me to deal with theirs so I don't have to face mine anymore? Usually, I will choose to be with someone where I KNOW it will be really peaceful--whether they have anger or not--we both know to be mostly calm and no explosions and find ways to work around the usual anger stuff that comes up in relos.

So, getting back to the question--umm. I don't yell. I withdraw. Sometimes too much. But, sometimes, I need just a bit of space and secretly hope they come back to me and ask me about stuff and make sure I'm alright. That sounds a bit selfish. If they don't do that, I usually always crawl out of my hole and find a way to talk about it.

[BrutalDaddy]

I DID NOT SAY THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YELLING. NO I'M NOT!



That's The Gist Of It,
Brute.

[cinnamongrrl]

Ahem.... I will be the FIRST to admit that I don't communicate well when I am angry. I blame my DNA. I am Irish, French and Italian....all bad tempers. When I am angry I need to process. That typically means I need to remove myself from the situation and settle things in my mind before I open my mouth. That works best for me since I do tend to bring out the big verbal guns when I'm upset. Giving myself time and distance gives me the chance to figure out what's REALLY bothering me. Chances are it's not even the situation at hand. That's why percolating is soo important.

[Darbonaire]

Originally Posted by BrutalDyke

I DID NOT SAY THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YELLING. NO I'M NOT!



That's The Gist Of It,
Brute.

Great answer ^5....LOL

[bright_arrow]

It depends on the person, the topic at hand.

I've never been much of a physical person, or yelling. I shut down, I get quiet, I try to remove myself. Sometimes it builds up so much it is literally impossible for me to talk. Being continually confronted and pushed at this point, I start to seethe and detest the person pushing me on, particularly when they know how I react and try to keep me there without letting me walk out.

When it's quick irritation/dislike, I can be sarcastic and give off "vibes". If you can't pick up on what I clearly perceive as wrong, I likely won't say anything until some time has passed/we're not in that situation and then say "Hey, you know earlier? I didn't like ________".

If it's through text I will set it down and ignore it until I can settle my emotions and be kind without being snappy and aggressive.

If someone is quick to make a worse case scenario before they even clarify/inform me something is wrong, it triggers an instant F U attitude and I have to really repress it.

ETA: If all else fails, loud screaming rock music via headphones [no, seriously]. Quite likely with my head under a pillow or three.

[princessbelle]

Like most people who have posted, it depends...on a lot. As in; who, what, when, where and how.

But, i believe the wording is the key in this question and it is all about communication. If things can be communicated, generally, i've found two people, or more than two, or employers can at least agree to disagree. And with that communication MUST come listening and caring what the other person is trying to convey.

If communication does not work and things are still heated, after trying and trying and trying....I simply shut down, totally. No going back for me. When it gets to that point. I'm done either with the conversation, situation or people.

Case in point: I worked for a Nursing Agency for 14 years. I loved the job and the people i worked with and my patients. As time went on, they were more and more about the bottom line and less and less about patient care. Now, this is a not for profit agency, just to be clear. Either way though, even if had been for profit, the way they started treating their employees and patients was despicable. I became very angry. I talked to my boss. Then to my boss's boss. I had meetings. I wrote emails. I tried to communicate, but it was to no avail.

End of story, i took all i could take and when i was done. I was done. I walked away. Good news is this led me to the job of my dreams and i've never been happier.

Communicating when angry is hard. I believe gathering your wits, seeing things from all angles, regrouping and trying to communicate when things settle is most effective, regardless of the outcome. Listening being a major form of communication. And if all parties are not responsive to communication, either drop it if it's not that important, or do something about it.

[Tuff Stuff]

Originally Posted by Sassy

But I guess mostly, I'm curious. How do some of you handle anger? Does anyone else out there have issues similar to either of ours? If so, how have you handled communication in relationships?

Listening is important in my relationship.I listen anytime she wants to talk,listen only,that's the trick for me and not try to fix 'it'.She's venting and my job is to listen.When i'm angry the last thing i want is to talk,i like to be alone and not get her involved.I won't bag doors or yell,that will disrupt the whole house.When i'm done figuring it all out she'll ask if i'm okay and I tell her yes,over and done.

[cinnamongrrl]

This is simple. I don't. I don't communicate when I'm angry. (or at least I shouldn't)
I get quiet...and I percolate. And if given the time to do such, I work it out in my head.
I live by the mantra, if it's not going to bother me a day/week/month from now...then let it go. BUT, it takes time for me to arrive at that logical conclusion.
When I'm angry/upset, I need time to diffuse...to come down from that place. I know it is the yin and yang of feeling ALL my emotions so intensely. But, I take the good with the bad. And there's far more good than bad. I just need to keep reminding myself of that...

[Happyfemme]

I don't get angry very often. When I do get angry I always try to get to the root of what is making me angry. I try to problem solve whatever the issue is by looking at myself. I never yell or scream in fact my voice becomes even calmer and softer as I work through the issue. I am always open to talking if the other person wants to talk. If the other person is not ready to talk I'm fine with that too. It always helps me if the other person simply says I know everything will be fine I just need to be quiet for now. If the person is not able to do that I'm ok with that too. I just feel a little better if they do say something like that.

[CA_BabyCakes]

Anger always turns into hurt for me. I'm a big talker, when I'm angry/hurt i have to keep talking until i feel better. This would probably annoy some people, but its the only way i can overcome things.

[Kätzchen]

When I'm upset or something causes me to feel angry, right as I am blowing all my 'gaskets' .... I think what describes me best is that I'm like a star that's dangling in the heavens, sparkling like a silent firecracker.

I become very quiet.


As much as I like to think that I'm listening to what's being said or to what is not being said, my process is sometimes circumvented by my own thinking processes that are trying to make sense out of what is upsetting me or causing me to feel angry. When this happens, most often I just quietly shut down.