Too screwed up to be Loved?

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

Charmingbutch

I used to feel the same way. I had been told my picker was.broke. that I tried.to resue everyone even those who didn't need it. This went on for years I kept repeating the same pattern over and over again UNTIL I decided that I really couldn't love and care for.anyone.else until I truly LOVED me, warts and all.

Once I decided NOT to live as others told me how I SHOULD live . Who I should b what job I should have. Then I started to heal, love myself and was able to have a REAL loving relationship but again I let old dating habits rule and I fell into a very destructive relationship which really did.a lot of harm to me emotionally. But I can thank god for a.really great support system that helped me over come that.

I finally met someone who loves.me accepts me and is my friend. We have a different type of relationship that either of us have ever had.

Imho everyone is worthy of.love and is capable of giving love but its ISN'T going to happen toll we each learn to love ourselves and to accept what is in our past is there and we refuse to let it dictate our future. Learn from it and use it for ur good

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

I have pondered this a lot, and I think the answer is this: You have to find someone whose baggage matches yours.

In my experience, someone who is not f-d up (for lack of a better term) can never understand you. Someone who is TOO f-d up is going to overwhelm and exhaust you. So you have to find someone that is at the same level of f*ckedup-edness as you.

It's not an easy task. You have to be honest about your wounds and your scars and be accepting of theirs. You have to be open to healing and changing bad habits. You have to learn to love yourself and put your emotional health first. Because if you're not emotionally healthy, it's not a matter of whether or not you deserve love - EVERYONE deserves love - but whether or not you can be a true partner in a relationship. A partner gives and takes, and when you're not emotionally stable, you either can't give or you don't know how to do anything BUT give.

So my motto is yeah, I'm f-d up, but I love me. My scars make me stronger.



Oh, and Teddybear is right on. I have a friend who I should probably read your post to verbatim.

[NJFemmie]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I have pondered this a lot, and I think the answer is this: You have to find someone whose baggage matches yours.

In my experience, someone who is not f-d up (for lack of a better term) can never understand you. Someone who is TOO f-d up is going to overwhelm and exhaust you. So you have to find someone that is at the same level of f*ckedup-edness as you.

I don't know if I agree with this statement.
It's sort of like - the blind leading the blind and find this enabling and counter productive.

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

Are you ready to claim your life back and be happy? I know you want to say yes but are you REALLY ready. I think sometimes it can be easy for people to kind of become addicted to dysfunctional existence.

Diva, I read this one part of your previous post and I see so much of myself in that one post that its almost scary. I have become very used to the dysfunctional existence that I've been leading for about 10 years now, and I truly do want to change but I see now that its the part of me that is clinging to that "comfortable" life that is sabotaging my happiness. Many times when one gets used to living a certain way, its almost like they think (me included) that this is as good as it gets and this must be the kind of life that we deserve to live. I was at that point, and still am, but reading this thread is helping me more to see that while yes i am f*cked up in my own way (who isn't?), I deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else in this world.

I want to thank everyone who has posted in this thread so far ~ your not just helping CB, but others as well

[*Anya*]

We all have that dark part of ourselves.

It takes courage to look deep inside to see it, feel it and to chose to work to heal it as best as we can.

Some people willingly step into this abyss, others walk slowly towards it with baby steps and still others run away out of fear.

Letting down our defenses and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with ourselves and then to be able to do it with others is very scary.

If we want to be able to truly connect on an intimate levels with others, it must be done but it is the hardest thing of all to do.

I know because I struggle with this issue constantly.

[CharmingButch25]

I am glad that my thoughts to post this helped you out Leigh, and I am very greateful for everyones responses

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by CharmingButch25

So I have been doing a lot of thinking today and well for the past few days.
Does anyone else belive that they are too f*cked up to be loved?
Or have way to many demons within themselves to let anyone in?
Ive been dating since I was 11 years old and yet every relationship ends the same, No one wants to actually give me a chance and see what can really happen because Yes I am f*cked up and I have issues, BUT doesnt anyone?
I dunno maybe its a stupid question I just wonder if anyone else feels the same? Or is it just me
I mean I know what Im looking for and it doesnt seem unresonable
So it brings me to the conclusion maybe I have too many demons to be loved or cared for...

Hi CB,

I've been taught that; Negativity brings bad things and Positive things bring good. So by saying you are fucked up and will never get past it. Then in my eyes you will never get out of it till you think positive.

You say that nobody gives YOU and chance.. perhaps it's you that needs to give yourself a chance? Living in fear of the future is something that a lot of people do, I have done it. It's never easy saying that you are the one that brings things on yourself. It's always easier to say it's the other person, specially if it always happens. That's called a pattern, a pattern you must break to move forward to find that person you will spend the rest of your life with.

If you think negative you will have negative things happen. This is proven. If people are positive, positive things happen. It's time to dig deep and deal with your past to move to the future!

[MissItalianDiva]

Charming Butch,

I could very well be off by a long shot but personally I believe in the Laws of Attraction we receive what we put out into the Universe. If our thoughts and feelings of ourselves are negatively based then of course we naturally are not going to progress and grow. We are not able to attract healthy able minded people when we are so stuck in our own shit we can't see straight. I know it is cheesy BUT try some positive affirmations. Sit down and think about all the good inside you. Stick them on post its and put them in random places like the bathroom mirror say them out loud.

When a negative thought comes into your mind push it down with a positive one. You have to drown out the darkness. Light will always prevail. Start being kind to yourself. Part of respecting oneself and claiming ones worth starts with the company we keep. Yes family may be blood but if they are toxic and suck the joy from us then what is the point. You are going to need to get to a point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

When we allow toxic relationships to continue we must ask ourselves what are we gaining out of this. We do not continue or allow things in our lives unless they have a benefit (payoff) so what is your benefit by allowing toxic people to suck the life out of you.

Are you ready to claim your life back and be happy? I know you want to say yes but are you REALLY ready. I think sometimes it can be easy for people to kind of become addicted to dysfunctional existence.

As for love of course you deserve to be loved...we all do. Everyone of us has amazing qualities inside..some a bit more buried then others but we all do. We all also have baggage and I believe the woman who is right for you will be a strong woman who can call you on your stinkin thinking and help you stay motivated. She will be able to love you through your baggage. Your past relationships may have ended simply because they were not "the one" and simply a stepping stone and lesson along the way.

I sincerely hope you can find peace,clarity and love along your journey!

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

Charming Butch,

I could very well be off by a long shot but personally I believe in the Laws of Attraction we receive what we put out into the Universe. If our thoughts and feelings of ourselves are negatively based then of course we naturally are not going to progress and grow. We are not able to attract healthy able minded people when we are so stuck in our own shit we can't see straight. I know it is cheesy BUT try some positive affirmations. Sit down and think about all the good inside you. Stick them on post its and put them in random places like the bathroom mirror say them out loud.

When a negative thought comes into your mind push it down with a positive one. You have to drown out the darkness. Light will always prevail. Start being kind to yourself. Part of respecting oneself and claiming ones worth starts with the company we keep. Yes family may be blood but if they are toxic and suck the joy from us then what is the point. You are going to need to get to a point where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

When we allow toxic relationships to continue we must ask ourselves what are we gaining out of this. We do not continue or allow things in our lives unless they have a benefit (payoff) so what is your benefit by allowing toxic people to suck the life out of you.

Are you ready to claim your life back and be happy? I know you want to say yes but are you REALLY ready. I think sometimes it can be easy for people to kind of become addicted to dysfunctional existence.

As for love of course you deserve to be loved...we all do. Everyone of us has amazing qualities inside..some a bit more buried then others but we all do. We all also have baggage and I believe the woman who is right for you will be a strong woman who can call you on your stinkin thinking and help you stay motivated. She will be able to love you through your baggage. Your past relationships may have ended simply because they were not "the one" and simply a stepping stone and lesson along the way.

I sincerely hope you can find peace,clarity and love along your journey!

boy howdy and pass the matzoh balls! dysfunctional existence is just as much of an addiction as any other. LOTS of the same chemistry, many of the same patterns, similar self-destructive behaviors and less than authentic living. doesnt exempt us from responsibility of course and i'm not suggesting that CB is avoiding any personal responsibility - quite the opposite in fact - but i just want to support this statement as strongly as i can without sounding like a zealot. (call it the vehemence of the converted if you like)

on an entirely different note, i dont always hold with the think/get mantra meaning 'think negative, get negative. think positive, get positive'. you can be of a sincere 'think positively' mindset 24/7 and crappy things will still happen. i've amended my version of the mantra to 'think negative, see and invite negative. think positive, see and invite positive' because that's what it comes down to. what have we invited into our lives? kind of like vampires. you gotta invite them in. (or is that an urban myth?) anyway. we're usually careful who we invite into our homes yes? so equal care should be given into what/who we invite into our lives i think. there will always be some crazy rides but the good kind of crazy is the one that leaves us thinking 'ouch that hurt but it was worth it' whereas the bad crazy might make you feel like, oh idaknow, you're 'too screwed up to be loved' maybe? and that mindset hurts sooooooooo much more than any damage anyone else could do to you.

also i think it's wise to look beneath the wrapping paper before handing out that 'positive' label. believe it or not i'm one of those 'there's good in everyone and beauty in everything' people to a sickeningly ridiculous degree so dont automatically read cynicism into what i'm saying. i just think that peeling away a few layers of something to get a little deeper before labeling something a positive experience or a positive influence is wise rather than a cynical take on things. as a matter of fact i think it prevents more cynicism than it creates by allowing you to see some reality and take a miss on the things that were disguised as good ideas. it's also a little empowering to realize that you did the leg work before you jumped in, especially if you save yourself from making a huge mistake. that's a pretty good feeling for sure! cynicism comes from disappointment and feeling taken advantage of. everyone can be disappointed but being taken advantage of is something that rarely happens in non-compromised persons without consent. (by non-compromised i mean people who arent easily exploited such as children, folks who are cognitively delayed, some elders and so on) i honestly believe that the consent part of being taken advantage of or disappointed is what really creates the hurt. it's not the other person/people who actually hurt us sometimes. when we strip away all our posturing and ego we often find that in many cases we've consented to being taken advantage of by others or by our own addiction to dysfunction and the realization that we didnt love ourselves first and best packs a punch like Ali climbing up one side and down the other of Frasier. know what i'm sayin?

[CharmingButch25]

I have tried the positive thinking and Maybe i was doing it wrong but it didnt work, I am very grateful for everyones advice and it really is helping , I am taking it all in and listening, I am stil considering therapy,so we shall see. Thank you very much I cannot say it enough

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Nomad

boy howdy and pass the matzoh balls! dysfunctional existence is just as much of an addiction as any other.
on an entirely different note, i dont always hold with the think/get mantra meaning 'think negative, get negative. think positive, get positive'. you can be of a sincere 'think positively' mindset 24/7 and crappy things will still happen.

So true! Plus I believe in the random quality of experience, which is always a factor.

i've amended my version of the mantra to 'think negative, see and invite negative. think positive, see and invite positive' because that's what it comes down to. what have we invited into our lives? kind of like vampires. you gotta invite them in. (or is that an urban myth?)

No, it's not an urban myth. It's true.

anyway. we're usually careful who we invite into our homes yes? so equal care should be given into what/who we invite into our lives i think. there will always be some crazy rides but the good kind of crazy is the one that leaves us thinking 'ouch that hurt but it was worth it' whereas the bad crazy might make you feel like, oh idaknow, you're 'too screwed up to be loved' maybe? and that mindset hurts sooooooooo much more than any damage anyone else could do to you.

Ouch, been there.

also i think it's wise to look beneath the wrapping paper before handing out that 'positive' label. believe it or not i'm one of those 'there's good in everyone and beauty in everything' people to a sickeningly ridiculous degree so dont automatically read cynicism into what i'm saying. i just think that peeling away a few layers of something to get a little deeper before labeling something a positive experience or a positive influence is wise rather than a cynical take on things.

yes, time allows a deeper perception.

as a matter of fact i think it prevents more cynicism than it creates by allowing you to see some reality and take a miss on the things that were disguised as good ideas. it's also a little empowering to realize that you did the leg work before you jumped in, especially if you save yourself from making a huge mistake. that's a pretty good feeling for sure! cynicism comes from disappointment and feeling taken advantage of. everyone can be disappointed but being taken advantage of is something that rarely happens in non-compromised persons without consent. (by non-compromised i mean people who arent easily exploited such as children, folks who are cognitively delayed, some elders and so on)

i honestly believe that the consent part of being taken advantage of or disappointed is what really creates the hurt.

SO SO SO true!!! I'm dealing with that one myself.

it's not the other person/people who actually hurt us sometimes. when we strip away all our posturing and ego we often find that in many cases we've consented to being taken advantage of by others or by our own addiction to dysfunction and the realization that we didnt love ourselves first and best packs a punch like Ali climbing up one side and down the other of Frasier. know what i'm sayin?

Great post! I interjected a few comments, in purple.

[Ginger]

I don't think the question is, Am I too screwed up to be Loved?

I think the question is, Am I too screwed up to Love?

[Ginger]

Dear Charming Butch,

Here's what I am hearing people saying in different ways:

Do this, get that (be negative, get negative).

Love yourself, the rest will follow.

Everyone is screwed up in some way or at some time; don't be so hard on yourself.

And then there was the unique and I thought, really innovative outside-the-box opinion that you could find someone of equal fucked-up-ness and support each other in getting over your issues and having a good relationship (if I understood you correctly Diva . I like the liberating, don't-be-ashamed-of-where-you're-at-in-your-life undercurrent in that one.

It all seems so useful.

But I know you will pick and choose which things resonate most for you, which speak to who you really are and which speak to what you're ready for.

I really feel like you're on a good path.

Scout

[Bleu]

Originally Posted by Strappie

Hi CB,

I've been taught that; Negativity brings bad things and Positive things bring good. So by saying you are fucked up and will never get past it. Then in my eyes you will never get out of it till you think positive.

You say that nobody gives YOU and chance.. perhaps it's you that needs to give yourself a chance? Living in fear of the future is something that a lot of people do, I have done it. It's never easy saying that you are the one that brings things on yourself. It's always easier to say it's the other person, specially if it always happens. That's called a pattern, a pattern you must break to move forward to find that person you will spend the rest of your life with.

If you think negative you will have negative things happen. This is proven. If people are positive, positive things happen. It's time to dig deep and deal with your past to move to the future!

Dear Strappie and many others,
Well, put. And, I can attest to this through recent personal experience. I am the happiest and most positive I have ever been in my life and darn it, good things...no, GREAT things just keep on happening.
If you want a blessed life, it is paramount to bless yourself with the positivity you deserve within each moment.
Life is grand!
xo,
~Bleu

[pamcat]

Originally Posted by Strappie

Hi CB,

I've been taught that; Negativity brings bad things and Positive things bring good. So by saying you are fucked up and will never get past it. Then in my eyes you will never get out of it till you think positive.

You say that nobody gives YOU and chance.. perhaps it's you that needs to give yourself a chance? Living in fear of the future is something that a lot of people do, I have done it. It's never easy saying that you are the one that brings things on yourself. It's always easier to say it's the other person, specially if it always happens. That's called a pattern, a pattern you must break to move forward to find that person you will spend the rest of your life with.

If you think negative you will have negative things happen. This is proven. If people are positive, positive things happen. It's time to dig deep and deal with your past to move to the future!

I have to agree that a positive mind and outlook is the key to making things happen, with you in control. After my a huge upset in my now defunct relationship, I beat myself up pretty badly and allowed myself to be cloaked in negativity and black thoughts - I blamed myself for allowing things to happen. I eventually took advice and saw someone who has helped me redefine the circumstances, and shake off the self-doubt and to identify the type of personality I was drawn to. I'm aware now that I tended to 'save' people, to meet my own needs, but this was only ever going to be destructive. I like who I have become, and I'm positive about my ability and what I can bring to a relationship and friendship. Life is good, and I'm good to myself. It's not easy at first, but to think positively leads you in a whole new direction and to new openings.

“You are Braver than you Believe, Smarter than you Seem, and Stronger than you Think.”
Winnie the Pooh -

[puddin']

i've had a love-hate relationship wit' therapy fo' mos' o' mah adult life. yet, it's been mah savin' grace.

i now realize i'm fucked up enough to try! yes, i did jus' say dat. as i used to think i was too fucked up to even give it a go.

i have found i'm lovable despite my fuckedupedness.

and dat is a relief beyond b'lief....

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by Strappie

Hi CB,

I've been taught that; Negativity brings bad things and Positive things bring good. So by saying you are fucked up and will never get past it. Then in my eyes you will never get out of it till you think positive.

You say that nobody gives YOU and chance.. perhaps it's you that needs to give yourself a chance? Living in fear of the future is something that a lot of people do, I have done it. It's never easy saying that you are the one that brings things on yourself. It's always easier to say it's the other person, specially if it always happens. That's called a pattern, a pattern you must break to move forward to find that person you will spend the rest of your life with.

If you think negative you will have negative things happen. This is proven. If people are positive, positive things happen. It's time to dig deep and deal with your past to move to the future!

I need to listen to this advice also; thanks for posting it Strappieeeeeeeeeeeeee

Originally Posted by Bard

I was in the place where you are just a few years ago.. I have learned that you have to like who you are before you can really love I had to respect who I was not be willing to change to become what someone else wanted me to be.. to realize that there was a woman who loved me for me and she was real and gave me a love that is real and forever she is my diamond not some cheap imitation.. she loved me for me not how I looked or what I could give her she stuck by me as I delt with my baggage and my scars she stayed even when the ghost of relationship past haunted me and made me feel I was not worth her .. you know what I am worth her love .. you have to love you and see that YOU ARE worth it

Wow do I EVER know how you feel there bro; I was in that place even just a few months ago. Its taken me, literally, years of trying to get over being bullied during high school and being put down by my father to get to a place where I know I am worthy of being loved as opposed to believing I could never be loved. I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I am closer than ever before to having the exact same mindset ~ staying positive is having good effects, so I keep plugging forward and its worth it in the long run!

Originally Posted by Bleu

If you want a blessed life, it is paramount to bless yourself with the positivity you deserve within each moment.

I just wanted to quote this part of your post Bleu because its very true; if we want good things to happen in our lives we have to remain positive no matter how difficult it seems.

Originally Posted by pamcat

I have to agree that a positive mind and outlook is the key to making things happen, with you in control. After my a huge upset in my now defunct relationship, I beat myself up pretty badly and allowed myself to be cloaked in negativity and black thoughts - I blamed myself for allowing things to happen. I eventually took advice and saw someone who has helped me redefine the circumstances, and shake off the self-doubt and to identify the type of personality I was drawn to. I'm aware now that I tended to 'save' people, to meet my own needs, but this was only ever going to be destructive. I like who I have become, and I'm positive about my ability and what I can bring to a relationship and friendship. Life is good, and I'm good to myself. It's not easy at first, but to think positively leads you in a whole new direction and to new openings.

“You are Braver than you Believe, Smarter than you Seem, and Stronger than you Think.”
Winnie the Pooh -

This is just a wonderful overall post pam, and extra points for the quote cuz I love Winnie the Pooh

Originally Posted by puddin'

i've had a love-hate relationship wit' therapy fo' mos' o' mah adult life. yet, it's been mah savin' grace.

i now realize i'm fucked up enough to try! yes, i did jus' say dat. as i used to think i was too fucked up to even give it a go.

i have found i'm lovable despite my fuckedupedness.

and dat is a relief beyond b'lief....

For a lack of a better way to put this, i think we are all "fucked up" in our own way; we all have baggage that we carry and alot of the time we think it makes us unloveable or undesireable. That's of course not the case at all, but I've noticed that often it is engraved into our minds by others around us (friends, family etc) that because of our past or said baggage we will never find someone to love us but that's not true.

I'm glad this thread is here

[WintergreenGem]

For a lack of a better way to put this, i think we are all "fucked up" in our own way; we all have baggage that we carry and alot of the time we think it makes us unloveable or undesireable. That's of course not the case at all, but I've noticed that often it is engraved into our minds by others around us (friends, family etc) that because of our past or said baggage we will never find someone to love us but that's not true.

I'm glad this thread is here

I agree with this. I have learned that it is how we handle or let our baggage control us that makes the difference.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by Leigh

For a lack of a better way to put this, i think we are all "fucked up" in our own way; we all have baggage that we carry and alot of the time we think it makes us unloveable or undesireable. That's of course not the case at all, but I've noticed that often it is engraved into our minds by others around us (friends, family etc) that because of our past or said baggage we will never find someone to love us but that's not true.

I don't think it's true that we can't find someone to love us because of our baggage. I think people fall in love all the time, unaware of the other person's baggage. I do not, however, think we should expect others to put up with bullshit caused by our baggage. It's ours to own, deal with, and control. This isn't to say that we should be perfect, but loving someone doesn't equate to putting up with destructive behaviors. If someone's baggage is so much that it's affected every relationship they've ever been in, then they should take time out of relationships and work on their issues until they can function in a relationship that isn't controlled by those issues. In my opinion, it's irresponsible to do otherwise.

[4everlonelyfemme]

Well, I am an ugly femme so you might not appreciate my opinion but...

Noone has ever so much as wanted to flirt with me in a bar or buy me a drink so...

I would take anything I can get, but that seems to be nothing and nobody. So it's not a matter of being screwed up, it's all about your standards etc...Like if you're superficial of course you're not going to find true love.

Really wheneever I see stuff like from guys or butch lesbians about oh am I ever going to find someone the only thing I can think of is, this person would reject MY love in 5 seconds so... Can't take it seriously.