FTM place to vent and talk

[PwrFemme]

Originally Posted by alexri

I know I'm living a double life. It's draining. I'm myself when I can be, and I'm biologically female when I have to be right now... at work, with family, with friends who don't know. But every now and then I have a public experience that makes me have hope, and makes me see what I'm missing.

While I was out training last weekend, I passed a young girl and her mother on a bike path. I heard the girl say, "he's definitely a boy, but he looks like a girl. He must hate that."

A month ago, in an all women's race, I heard a young boy who was spectating say, "hey there's a guy in the race."

Kids get it before their minds are polluted by society. They question because they want to understand, but they don't judge.

Then, I got "sir'd" at the grocery store last night. I had my hat on, and was looking down, when the cashier said it to me. The glow on my face on the ride home could have lit up NYC.

Now, what I need is courage. The courage to stop thinking of all the "what if's" and go legally change my name. I need the courage this of how to handle this at work, especially knowing I am fully supported by HR. I need the courage to love myself enough to be myself all the time.

Alexri,

This brought to mind people saying, "Oh I knew, I was just waiting for you to tell me." I imagine you will come across haters and you will also have your cheerleaders. You always have. If you look back over your life you will realize this and know that you have always come through and nothing stopped you. It sounds like you are an athlete so I am sure you have learned how to get back up when down and keep on going. You have the strength inside to do this. Those who love you and believe in you will continue to cheer you on and you will forget the names and faces of the haters.

[PwrFemme]

I have a question based on another thread. In the other thread they are discussing marriage titles, basically what a butch is called. HeelBilli and I have been legally married for 2 years. I have always referred to Heel as my spouse. Heel is going to trans and we have now been discussing this title issue. I don't really feel comfortable with the title, "husband". I can't explain why. What are your thoughts? Have any of you faced this situation? Thanks

[Linus]

PwrFemme: this thread was meant to be for FTMs to vent and not really meant for conversation or comment, if possible. For your questions, it may be better to go here: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...hread.php?t=92

[PwrFemme]

Originally Posted by Linus

PwrFemme: this thread was meant to be for FTMs to vent and not really meant for conversation or comment, if possible. For your questions, it may be better to go here: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...hread.php?t=92

K thanks...

[little man]

for those of you who don't know me, i'm about 10-11 years in on transition. i'm still pre-op, as a long line of shitty paying jobs does not allow much to save for surgery. add to that a lack of health insurance, and well....here i am. i've been living fully as male for almost that entire time. i'm a short guy, and was worried that would be an issue, but it has not been.

being a veteran, i get my labs and T through the VA outpatient clinic. i was a bit wary at first, but everyone has been absolutely wonderful, no issues at all. although, the radiology clinic (outside the VA) was a bit confused when i went for a mammogram. turns out the x-ray tech that did it has a friend who's trans. small world, ain't it?

about 6 yrs ago, i moved back to the midwest from the east coast, to care for my mom. after she died, i hung out for another year, then decided i could pay bills from anywhere. i am possessed of a gypsy soul, so it was about time to hit the road anyway. i moved to the austin,tx area, so i could focus on photography. since there is so much live music here, i was certain i could get myself situated as a photog here. well, there are a few colleges around here that seem to churn out 10 photography students every 5 minutes. and, they'll shoot for free. as it turned out, i fell into shooting burlesque. yeah, i know...tough row to hoe. i'm getting fairly established in that community, and bless their hearts, they are very queer friendly.

i shot a show last week that had several awesome performances. one of them included black light and the pouring of neon paint over the dancer's body. visually stunning. i talked to the woman who did that performance, and we agreed we need to shoot that outside a performance venue. one thing turned into another and we've decided to embark on a project on women's body image, social expectations of women's bodies and their performance as women, as well as rape culture, domestic violence, reproductive rights...a performance coupled with an art show of images. it's an ambitious project, to say the least. we're hoping that attendance will fund the show well enough that we can travel with it, across the US.

all that said, i've been wondering (and weighing) whether "coming out" as trans would be beneficial to the project (and getting the involvement of other performers around the country). i doubt it would be detrimental to the project, but i do wonder about the impact it would have on my life. my ultimate ambition is to produce fine art and spend the rest of my working years doing something i love. for reference, i'm 55 right now, 56 in the fall.

when i first began transition, i was all about disclosing to anyone who'd listen. it was new, it was fabulous, it was a waking dream. now i've had time to settle into it, i mostly want to live my life and be left alone to pursue the things i'm interested in. i have not dated, nor been romantically involved with anyone since i began transition. the last few years, i've felt ready to dip my toe back in that puddle...but haven't really found anyone who sparks my imagination for very long. well, until recently, but we don't live anywhere near one another, and have not actually spent any time together....y'all know how that goes. so, dating/relationship is not a concern.

quite frankly, i'm not sure what approach to take to this. aside from being a private person by nature, i've not wanted being trans to the the first thing people think of when they hear my name.

thoughts?

[Turtle]

Hey little man, nice to see you, so to speak. It sounds like a great project!! I do a lot of my processing out loud...I'd talk it out with my partner in the project to help myself gain some clarity...kinda hearing the different parts as I push them around to get a feel for them and where the pieces might fit...that's me.


And I could definitely dig a traveling show/shoot/project.


And I've been reading "Letters For My Brothers: Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect" editied by Megan M. Rohrer and Zander Keig....it's very nice to get back into my Berkeley days and read old classmates and meet new ones...

...the book is advise from the post-transition perspective...good stuff to know, for everybody.

[little man]

Originally Posted by Turtle

Hey little man, nice to see you, so to speak. It sounds like a great project!! I do a lot of my processing out loud...I'd talk it out with my partner in the project to help myself gain some clarity...kinda hearing the different parts as I push them around to get a feel for them and where the pieces might fit...that's me.


And I could definitely dig a traveling show/shoot/project.


And I've been reading "Letters For My Brothers: Transitional Wisdom in Retrospect" editied by Megan M. Rohrer and Zander Keig....it's very nice to get back into my Berkeley days and read old classmates and meet new ones...

...the book is advise from the post-transition perspective...good stuff to know, for everybody.

hey, good to see you again, as well.

i appreciate your input, but find myself with the same question. the woman i'm teaming up with for this project has no clue about my status. i don't get the feeling that it'd matter, really, but am still up in the air. would it make life easier or more difficult, i wonder...

[Liam]

Hey little man, nice to hear how things are going for you in Austin. I am guided by my gut, when it comes to "coming out," as a transman. It has worked well for me. I've had some delightful experiences, in situations that I never intended to share that information, and I have not had any negative repercussion from withholding it either. As always, best of luck!

[alexri]

I am thinking more and more about a physical transition.

I have been self-identifying as male for long over a year now. It was something I didn't even think to do. I realize it's been there all along; I just didn't name it/own it.

I've thought about gender issues for many years now; my gender book library/reading/research goes back 10 years to college days. Kate Bornstein was a hero in college. But it never dawned on me that I could be a trans person until last year. It's almost like how it never dawned on me that I could be gay until college and someone talked to me about it. Now this is not me saying that someone else suggested this or dropped the ideas in my head. It was more working out the concepts. It's tied to having a very white, sheltered, catholic school upbringing. I had no idea what homosexuality was until I was 19 and in college. Seriously. I had no idea what trans people were until my late 20s. I just didn't know.

I can look back and see so many patterns and signs that were obvious in my life, but I just didn't know what they meant. I subconsciously shut so many things out, blocked so many thoughts, and now they are all coming back.

Flash back to a child who always played with trucks, legos and balls, and when given dolls, threw them away, or hung them from trees in the back yard. A child who was an outcast on the playground because of a desire to play in the sandbox/playground and not play with dolls or girls. A child who despised makeup, girly stuff, fashions, purses, etc. A child who cried at the though of having to wear a dress. A child who cried when a period started and to this day cringes or cries when it comes close. Someone who has known since a young age that there's no maternal instinct. Someone who was always chosen to play the father/dad in house, because it was right. Someone who wanted to emulate the men in movies and tv, and never the women.

Flash back to someone who covered his bedroom door with pictures of girls he had crushes on (celebrities) and cut up the pictures of the cute girls in the school yearbooks to stare at them. I'm the guy who had pictures of girls hidden under New Kids of the Block posters. As a child I wrote all the hot female celebrities through Teen Beat magazine; when they responded and sent photos, I ripped them up and threw them away because I felt ashamed about the feelings I had.

I can remember sitting in the car with my father, crying, asking him what was wrong with me, and why I wasn't like all the other girls. He had no response. I wonder if he knew. Or if he was denying it himself too.

See someone who spent most of youth alone, without seeing friends, having people over, because I never fit in. I was never invited to sleepovers. All the girls knew I was different. Someone who buried life in textbooks and extracurricular activities to avoid thinking about other things. And then, continued this trait in adult life, with work, food, and later, exercise/races, to avoid dealing with things.

Flash back to someone who had a lot of promiscuous sex with guys as a minor, because, "I was supposed to enjoy this.." "maybe it's just the wrong person..." before realizing I was attracted to women in college, despite having so many crushes and fantasies about girls (in school and on tv) for so long.

I can remember having dreams and fantasies growing up about a guy with no head making love to women. I didn't realize it was me.

I always despised wearing dresses or my school uniform. As soon as I got home from school that uniform skirt came off and was on the floor of my closet it. I hated it. I also wore as long of a skirt as I could, below my knees, to not expose my body. For seven years of grammar school and high school, as far as I can remember, I wore shorts or boxers under my skirt to feel normal. Clothes shopping used to make me cry, especially when I had to dress up for an event like an interview.

In grammar school I can remember being teased by the other girls, being called a lesbian and a tomboy, though I had no idea what it was. I just knew it was something bad because I was being laughed at. We'd be in gym and we'd be changing back into our school uniforms, and I'd take my top right off in front of everyone, not caring, seeing my chest as a chest, until other girls covered my body for me, and told me I needed a bra. I hated that stupid bra.

Once my female body developed, as far back as I can remember, I have always worn baggy, oversized clothing to hide curves and breasts. I've been wearing men's clothing for 20 years. I can remember getting ready for school in high school and just bursting into tears because I hated what I saw in the mirror. And I did the same in my adult life too. I can honestly say I believe I have sclerosis in my back (spine curled forward) because I've spent most of my life subconsciously hiding breasts with bad posture.

My whole life I have cringed and shriveled whenever anyone used works to describe me like "young lady," "beautiful," etc. At a young age, even at the grammar school level, I can recall hating my name. I lived with a nickname for a lot of high school and most of college. I've hated saying my first name at every job I've had when answering the phone, to the point where I really don't say it at all unless I have to. When I have been sired I've been overjoyed.

At the gym, I see the guys there. I don't want them. I want to look like them. I see the females that are in shape, and I don't want to look like them. I imagine what it would be like to have a muscular, flat chest, with pecs, not breasts.

If I had known one could transition, change genders, earlier in life... if I had only known... perhaps I would be more brave than I am now.

I watched a youtube video of a trans man last night talking about trans regret. He said he had lived as a woman for 40 years, and could probably have lived that way for another 40 years, but ultimately wanted to be himself. I've seen the stories of people who did regret transition, but based on what I have read and saw, my gutt tells me they were not trans in the first place, and that something else was going on.

I don't know what to do at this point. I have seen counselors. I have been a part of several local and national trans groups for the past year; meeting with people in person and online. I've talked to people who regretted their transition. I talked to people whose lives have become so much better. I feel so much more at home with these trans groups.

In the past I've gone to lesbian bars and women's clubs/organizations in the past and I never felt comfortable or that I belonged. I've never felt right calling myself a lesbian. I just didn't know what I was yet.

I know the reality of my family. It will never be accepted. They are die-hard, roman catholic, etc. They never accepted me dating women.

I feel stuck. Sometimes I feel like I can keep going like this, like I can keep living in the shell I was born into. I can think of it just being my soul/essence in the wrong body. I think I can manage. Then there are the times that I can understand and appreciate all those that said their life came down to "change or die." I have the speech I would say to my coworkers in my head. I recite it when I run/train. There are days where it does not phase me to use the women's room at work or a restaurant. There are days where I mentally block out the "wo" on the sign. Then there are the days where I absolutely need to go use the gender neutral bathroom at work.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid it's the wrong decision. I fear transitioning will not make me happy. I fear rejection. I fear regret. I hear the stories of friends and trans people denied jobs or housing because of who they are. I understand that when life changes, we lose things, but we often gain so much more. I also see the stories of those who say they are so much better off. I know transitioning is not a magic wand to fix everything wrong with you. I know it's not the end.

I think the best explanation I have heard from someone who transitioned is that in his past life as a female, he felt disconnected, like he was just going through the motions of life, living until the day (as a female) she'd die. I can understand that. There were times of depression, low times, high times. I totally get the feeling of being disconnected, never feeling like I belong in the time and place I am in. That's often how I felt, and how I can still feel now.

I know when people ask you what you want to do for a career, they'll ask you what you'd be doing if money weren't an issue. Then when you have that passion in your head, they say, go after it, figure out how to make it work, and don't settle. I can see the same with transition. If you had a magic wand that would make me transition right now, I'd say yes, absolutely use it. But the reality is that there is no magic wand.

I am just... scared.

Sorry for the long vent. I just know some of you will understand.

[Bad_boi]

Fuck heat. I can't be cool because I can't bind with my injury and have to wear a hoodie or a button down over a T. On top of that the heat messes with my anxiety attacks and makes me miserable.

Fuck the sun go way burn my ass another day.

[DapperButch]

Summer.

Yes, not looking forward to fighting to pull the back of the binder down when the skin is slightly moist. Ugh.

At least the triceps get a good stretch out of it.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Why is there a space on all medical forms for name preferred to be used if the damn people with degrees can not read it. Seriously I understand my legal name has to be on it for insurance purposes but they do not even have to glance down half a page or anything it is right under the other name. It is their form so they must realize it may be there. Just read the damn thing or do no give me the option to tell you.

Hopefully my new primary care doctor will not have this issue. Guess I will find out in about 12 hours.

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by alexri

I am just... scared.

Sorry for the long vent. I just know some of you will understand.

Reading your story was like reliving my past, for the most part. I didn't grow up in a Catholic family and I went to public school, but I experienced about 99% of what you described. I started my transition in 2000 when I was 27. I went through three years of therapy before deciding transitioning was right for me. But I was still afraid it was the wrong decision. When I started I was told I would be denied hormones and surgeries if I didn't want to transition 100% to male. I knew then that I didn't want to be 100% male. I did not want lower surgery. So I lied. I was so convincing and got so used to lying about wanting lower surgery that I convinced myself I couldn't be male without it. I even researched lower surgeries and all the available options for it.

In 2003 I changed my name and started on hormones and was excited and happy when the changes finally started showing and I passed almost 100% of the time. In 2007 I was finally able to have top surgery and once again was beyond happy. In 2010 I had a hysterectomy. During this time I did lose some friends and the stress from trying to hide it from my family was almost unbearable. It wasn't until 2 years ago that I finally came out as trans to my entire immediate family. They understood but did not like it. They weren't even surprised. They still insist on calling me 'she' and using my old name when I go home to visit, but they understand that if they come here to visit me it's by my rules.

Over the years I struggled with the thought of lower surgery. Deep down I knew I didn't want it. Deep down I knew I was closer to Trans Masculine or Gender Queer. I like looking male and having a male chest. So I went back to therapy. This time I had a therapist who understood and got me to understand that I am not any less of a man because I don't want a penis. She got me to understand that it's not the physical that makes me who I am. It's how I feel inside. She is still trying to get me to believe that there is a woman/femme out there who will accept me as I am. As half and half. I meet and date women who say they understand and accept me for who I am, but inevitably they leave, stating I am not lesbian enough or male enough or, yes, even trans enough. One even went so far as to try and force me into going back to being female in appearance. I currently have two crushes but am so afraid to pursue anything beyond where they are at right now because I fear the rejection I have come to expect. Too many women have been with me for 'the story' or the novelty of telling their friends they slept with an FtM.

I have been very lucky that I have not had much discrimination in the workplace since moving to Minneapolis. Everyone seems very accepting here. I had one doctor who wouldn't treat me, but she explained it was because she had no experience with the medical needs of transgender patients and she gave me the name of a colleague who did have the experience. She wanted me to have the best care possible. To this day I have total respect for her.

It's a long, bumpy road. Some of it will be fantastic and some will be filled with potholes. All I can say is it's a road worth traveling and nothing is ever set in stone. I wish you the best on your journey.

[DapperButch]

How many things do all of us get frustrated with but don't talk about, because it is just a part of our daily life?

Case in point, I hate that I have to wear a sprots bra when I work out. Sure, I don't HAVE to, but if I want to breathe well and do a decent workout, I have to take off the binder.

I hate this. I had seeing myself in the gym mirror as I am lifting weights.

Anyone else struggle with this?

[alexri]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Case in point, I hate that I have to wear a sprots bra when I work out. Sure, I don't HAVE to, but if I want to breathe well and do a decent workout, I have to take off the binder.

I hate this. I had seeing myself in the gym mirror as I am lifting weights.

Anyone else struggle with this?

Yes. I totally understand this. I hate having to wear a sports bra but it holds the you know whats down the best for the gym. I also hate wearing white tech shirts because of the outline they can show. I hate seeing race photos where the photographer thinks he/she is doing me a favor by catching curves. I have to fight with some races to get them to give me the men's/unisex tech shirt instead of assigning me a women's cut shirt. The most comfortable thing I have found is to wear dark colored tech shirts.

I hate going into the women's locker room too.

[Kent]

Originally Posted by alexri

Yes. I totally understand this. I hate having to wear a sports bra but it holds the you know whats down the best for the gym. I also hate wearing white tech shirts because of the outline they can show. I hate seeing race photos where the photographer thinks he/she is doing me a favor by catching curves. I have to fight with some races to get them to give me the men's/unisex tech shirt instead of assigning me a women's cut shirt. The most comfortable thing I have found is to wear dark colored tech shirts.

I hate going into the women's locker room too.

Yeah, guys.. I have the same problem as I'm pre-op too. I quit going to the gym because my dysphoria was so great and I became depressed. Now, I have gained 40 damn pounds. I'm going to join a small one owner gym here and get some personal training and start eating clean again and take this weight off. Once I lose about 20 pounds I'll join this other rehab/gym that has an Olympic size swimming pool and swim laps to work off the other 20 pounds and slim down. The weight gain has only made my dysphoria worse. You guys keep working out and don't let yourselves go like I did.

I understand everything you two are saying Alex and Dapper. I suffer from having these large chesticles and I cannot wait to get rid of them. Just know that you are not alone and we are all in this together. Ain't none of us gettin' out alive. Hang in there guys.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Yeah I have the same problem well almost. Mine is when I have to wear a sports bra to work instead of my binder. Binders are extremely expensive so at the moment I only have one. Unfortunately I must have bought the wrong kind because it doesn't really work and my job is a physical one so I have to wear the sports bras I have. I absolutely hate it. My dysphoria is bad enough when I wear a baggy shirt but when I am in my work clothes and get a glimpse of me most times I feel literally ill from it.

On the bright side I did tell my boss last week I would be transitioning and starting the process in a month. She was cool with everything, even me using the men's bathroom. I have at least a year to go before I can even think about top surgery but I do get my t without a letter so there is that. Hopefully it will help with my dysphoria some.

[RNguy]

I'm post op top surgery and have started T once again. T hasn't reacted favorably for me in the past , in the sence that it caused my heart to go into rapid atrial fibrillation. Several weeks of being off the T , my heart rythm converted back to sinus tach which is normal for me so , its been many years later and ive started again so fingers crossed for me .
I can sympathize greatly with society rejections , snide remarks for all who have dealt with or are dealing with .
I'm born and raised in the heart of Appalachia . I still live in a rural location of Appalachia and well bi, gay , trans etc... are not well recieved to say the least .
Many months back I was at work , and a new critical care intensivist who made it clear that he has no tolerance for the " queers " asked who was taking care of his patient . My coworker stated Blake is over there . His retort to her was " get him, her , well IT over here now .
This Dr. Is no longer at that hospital and was from Pakistan or Libya , I forget .
I did hear him make this comment loud and clear as well as my coworkers , a social worker , an IT guy and two respiratory therapists .
The most awesome thing was that all of these people were sooo upset and felt hurt for me !!!! It totally affected my peers , as for me I laughed . I had a great shift so I was able to laugh but everyone was sad , and angry which was awesome.
So the head critical care director / doc finds me several days later , as by now , this has spread hospital wide and pulls me away and says " did that son of a bitch really call you an IT dude "? I laughed and said yep . He said " are you ok , do you want me to f?+&$?+ deal with him "? I said nope , its cool but dang thanks for asking . He said " what did you say " ?
I said nothin , honestly man, I was having a great day so I wasn't fazed and hear that shit all the time however if I had a crappy day and it was on the wrong day I would surely go off and say something . He laughed and said " dude what would you say "?
I said well I would say this isnt the bunker of anti-American , anti gay, anti woman's rights terrorist Taliban so you can't treat people this way here you son of a b?+&%.

The director said Blake , if he ever , and I mean ever so much as looks at you snide , you say as you wish and you will not be in trouble in the least .
Keep your heads up trans folks , thought id share that one

[RNguy]

I'm sitting here reading all these posts and am laying down laughing , and after nearly every read post I'm thinking " amen to that ", " yep been there too many times "," geez, we are all going through or have been through a lot of the same stuff here ", wow what that post said is sad , true , is funny now but it wasn't at the time "
I'm surely going to keep reading and posting here when I can more often.
Nice
Peace and love trans brothers

[ahk]

I wear a binder when I go to the gym. Screw the sports bra crap--. I don't wear the tightest binder that have, I wear the one that still holds me in but that is loose enough that I can breathe.

and the heat-- screw that shit. LOL.