What Cracked You Up Today?

[Blade]

It wasn't today but yesterday my roomie found the plastic packaging of a purchase I made yesterday. She walks into my bedroom holding the package and says.....all you need is for your Mom to come over and find this.

[Passionaria]

What Not To Do During Sex ...

In order to save you from yet another existential crisis later in the year, add to your list those things you promise never to do during sex. These will guarantee your success in keeping at least a few resolutions—and if your lover is showing you this list and making you sign it in the presence of a notary, consider it an intervention or a warning that you may suck in bed.

* Caveat: Every “don't” has it’s own fetishist fan club of people who do that very thing. Try not to think too hard about what they do. Or do think about it, if you’re bored or into horror. If you’re into any of these “don'ts” and decide to rise up against me in protest, please spell my name correctly, and then tell us who you are, how to pronounce your name and where you’re from, so we can all avoid you.

* When you lover says, “Eat me,” don’t take it literally.

* When your lover screams or moans “Oh my God” don’t think that they’re talking about you—even if you’re Tom Cruise.

* When your lover screams or moans “Oh, God,” don’t get into a debate on the irrationality of religious belief systems and their irrelevance to the current sexual intimacy . Unless, of course, you’re Richard Dawkins.

Don’t Tweet while fucking. If both (or all) of you are Tweeting or updating your FaceBook pages simultaneously, then that may be okay … but in that case, keep your status updates to what the two (or more) of you are doing currently. You might consider calling it performance art and see if you can get some sort of grant.

Don't invade a sovereign nation. Sexually satisfied heads, er, leaders, make poor evil overlords. If you are currently in the process of invading another country, take a moment to reflect on your sex life. Your therapist misses you.

Regarding Names ...

If you’re bad with names, don’t call out any during sex. It’s likely to get you into trouble. Sex partners tend to be hypersensitive to being called other people’s names, especially the names of ex’s (both yours and theirs), as well as either your relatives or pets. When in doubt, acknowledge them with saucy terms of endearment such as stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such.

* If your lover never calls you by your name, instead always calling you stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such, don’t ask them to say your real name during sex. Awkward times 10.

* Don’t call out “Who’s your Daddy?” in the voice of Elmer Fudd, or Darth Vader.

* Don’t respond to impassioned sexual requests by saying: “Yes, Lord Vader.”


Also Resolve Never To:

* Die during sex. It’s rude and think of the poor person who will have to tell your mom.

* Play dead while hoping your partner will go away.

* Put on a clown costume, unannounced and without prior agreement.

* Check other people’s Tweets or FaceBook status.

* Forget that you’re having sex and start doing something else, like watching the game on TV.

* Protest the lousy call that the referee or umpire made during the game on TV, no matter how blind and stupid the official may have been.

* Ask your lover how you compare to their exes or other lovers.

* Forget to wash your hands after handling spicy foods or hot muscle ointments.

* Launch a surprise backdoor invasion. If you’re prone to this, give up sex and take up a hobby that doesn’t require lube or consent, such as terrorism or illegal invasions of foreign countries.

* Discuss your history of therapy, abuse, bad breakups, recovery programs, stalking or being stalked.


Finally , Also Promise that You Will Refrain from ...

* Drawing dotted butcher lines on a lover’s skin with a Sharpie.

* Discussing previously undisclosed STIs or other communicable diseases.

* Dismissing any comments about sores and unusual discharges in your genitals.

* Laughing at a lover, rather than with them.

If you can manage to not do most of these, you can congratulate yourself for being … um … well, we’ll think of something. Hooray for cheap validation!

[SnackTime]

Earlier I was sitting here on the couch in the dark with the television on. All of a sudden I saw this silhouette of my Australian shepherd coming out of the hallway into the living room. I was thinking why is she acting all weird and then I saw the jack russell (who is going blind and deaf) on the other side of the coffee table. Wellllllll, she was trying to tippy toe around him to get to their food dish. LOL

The jack ALWAYS eats first, because he does not eat a lot. However, there have been times that he will walk away from the dish and then bully his way back to eat some more once she starts eating. The funny part is she lets him (she outweighs him by 35 lbs) LOL

[lionpaw]

Seeing a video on youtube that had 2 dogs playfully sliding down a sloped snow hill out in the woods somewhere...

[RockOn]

A femme friend's description of everything she is having to do to get artificial insemination. She is a very funny, uplifting type person anyway. Putting all the fun aside, it was quite educational for me. She does not see pictures but reads descriptions of the sperm donors. The way she determined the ones she ruled out had me grabbing my gut from laughing so hard. She gave herself her first shot last night. Really hoping it works out for her.

[lionpaw]

Originally Posted by Passionaria

What Not To Do During Sex ...

In order to save you from yet another existential crisis later in the year, add to your list those things you promise never to do during sex. These will guarantee your success in keeping at least a few resolutions—and if your lover is showing you this list and making you sign it in the presence of a notary, consider it an intervention or a warning that you may suck in bed.

* Caveat: Every “don't” has it’s own fetishist fan club of people who do that very thing. Try not to think too hard about what they do. Or do think about it, if you’re bored or into horror. If you’re into any of these “don'ts” and decide to rise up against me in protest, please spell my name correctly, and then tell us who you are, how to pronounce your name and where you’re from, so we can all avoid you.

* When you lover says, “Eat me,” don’t take it literally.

* When your lover screams or moans “Oh my God” don’t think that they’re talking about you—even if you’re Tom Cruise.

* When your lover screams or moans “Oh, God,” don’t get into a debate on the irrationality of religious belief systems and their irrelevance to the current sexual intimacy . Unless, of course, you’re Richard Dawkins.

Don’t Tweet while fucking. If both (or all) of you are Tweeting or updating your FaceBook pages simultaneously, then that may be okay … but in that case, keep your status updates to what the two (or more) of you are doing currently. You might consider calling it performance art and see if you can get some sort of grant.

Don't invade a sovereign nation. Sexually satisfied heads, er, leaders, make poor evil overlords. If you are currently in the process of invading another country, take a moment to reflect on your sex life. Your therapist misses you.

Regarding Names ...

If you’re bad with names, don’t call out any during sex. It’s likely to get you into trouble. Sex partners tend to be hypersensitive to being called other people’s names, especially the names of ex’s (both yours and theirs), as well as either your relatives or pets. When in doubt, acknowledge them with saucy terms of endearment such as stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such.

* If your lover never calls you by your name, instead always calling you stud muffin, sugar, ooh baby, oh my god (see above), hotness and such, don’t ask them to say your real name during sex. Awkward times 10.

* Don’t call out “Who’s your Daddy?” in the voice of Elmer Fudd, or Darth Vader.

* Don’t respond to impassioned sexual requests by saying: “Yes, Lord Vader.”


Also Resolve Never To:

* Die during sex. It’s rude and think of the poor person who will have to tell your mom.

* Play dead while hoping your partner will go away.

* Put on a clown costume, unannounced and without prior agreement.

* Check other people’s Tweets or FaceBook status.

* Forget that you’re having sex and start doing something else, like watching the game on TV.

* Protest the lousy call that the referee or umpire made during the game on TV, no matter how blind and stupid the official may have been.

* Ask your lover how you compare to their exes or other lovers.

* Forget to wash your hands after handling spicy foods or hot muscle ointments.

* Launch a surprise backdoor invasion. If you’re prone to this, give up sex and take up a hobby that doesn’t require lube or consent, such as terrorism or illegal invasions of foreign countries.

* Discuss your history of therapy, abuse, bad breakups, recovery programs, stalking or being stalked.


Finally , Also Promise that You Will Refrain from ...

* Drawing dotted butcher lines on a lover’s skin with a Sharpie.

* Discussing previously undisclosed STIs or other communicable diseases.

* Dismissing any comments about sores and unusual discharges in your genitals.

* Laughing at a lover, rather than with them.

If you can manage to not do most of these, you can congratulate yourself for being … um … well, we’ll think of something. Hooray for cheap validation!

Ohhh! You made me howl with this one....I can't wait to show my honey this one! This is a good one!

[Rook]

bailey : aha !! I knew it...you and k.d. sneakin around behind my back !!"

me:

bailey: "I leave, and youtube conspires to bring u 2 togethah !!" -points finger dramatic-

me: "oh bite me"

bailey: "where? as cute as it is, lower the volume, i'm sure everyone within this block knows what youre droolin over.."

me: "*the bird*"

hehehe

[Blade]

Bought a sweater for Hombre. He's an ole boy who lives outside. His tongue hangs out the side of his mouth most of the time cuz he doesn't have teeth on the side anymore.

I held him and Sweet clipped his toenails he was a good boy. She tried to put his new sweater on him but for a Chihuahua he has a bull dog front end and that cracked me up. His sweater didn't fit him because he is so broad chested. She got the sweater over his head and that was all. She started saying it's to tight it will never go on him.

[Jet]

ha ha ha....

[JustBeingMe]

Watching it snow all day long on Sunday 4-6 inches and building a snow man at my cousin's house with a couple neighbor boys. WE had a blast doing it. I took pics for proof it snowed in Texas where I live and posted on my facebook Just to show those non believers it really does snow here in Texas. LOL
And when I got home, watching the news showing a MASSIVE Crowd in Atlanta having the largest snowball fight EVA!! lmao

[lionpaw]

watching "the Cape" on Hulu.com

[Turtle]

Do we need a butter butt licking recipe for June?

[sylvie]

falling on the slippery driveway at work this morning, after a storm last night, and feeling so embarrassed when i hit the ground... but while gracefully getting back up on my feet (yes, gracefully, i swear it ) seeing 3 others also on the ground doing the same, lol..

i didn't feel so badly anymore LOL

[Miss Scarlett]

Have Clash of the Titans on the TV...the Kraken is making ugly, loud raken noises and it is totally freaking out my cat...I tried telling her it was only on TV and she's not having any part of it...LOL

[DomnNC]

Taking my dogs out to do their thing. I have a lil black pug mix named Fitch. He was squatting just starting to do his thing when a big piece of ice slid off the roof of the house and hit the ground, it sounded like a gunshot when it hit the ice below. He stopped midstream and was on the front porch hiding behind my legs so fast it'd of made your head spin. I laughed so hard at him, took me forever to get him to go back down and finish his business.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by DomnNC

Taking my dogs out to do their thing. I have a lil black pug mix named Fitch. He was squatting just starting to do his thing when a big piece of ice slid off the roof of the house and hit the ground, it sounded like a gunshot when it hit the ice below. He stopped midstream and was on the front porch hiding behind my legs so fast it'd of made your head spin. I laughed so hard at him, took me forever to get him to go back down and finish his business.

Awwwww poor Fitch! This ice has just not been his friend! I can hear Sassy snickering too!

[DomnNC]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

Awwwww poor Fitch! This ice has just not been his friend! I can hear Sassy snickering too!

She can't snicker too much, she flinched so hard it looked like she jumped but she didn't run, chuckles.

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by DomnNC

She can't snicker too much, she flinched so hard it looked like she jumped but she didn't run, chuckles.

Yeah, but Sassy is the Queen of Cool. She looked at Fitch and said "I meant to do that!"

[Rook]

[Blade]

WolfyOne's post
I have some of my mom's old recipes I just dug out in her hand writing and as soon as I can decipher a few, I'll put them up for ya'll.

This cracked me up because it made me think of Sweet and I trying to decipher my Grandma's recipes this summer. She has been dead since 1984 and I have used her recipes and of course have tweaked them to my taste. Truth is she never really used recipes just the ingredients from them.

I remembered years ago I read one that said, one stick oleo. I assumed that was butter, though it could have been anything that can come in sticks. So I called Nannie for comformation...Yep well sorta yep, it was margarine...yes margrine. LOL

So this summer we get out the box to check out the canning recipes and bless her 8th grade educated heart, ya can't hardly read her writing, so I ended up calling Mom for back up.

Now this thought is what cracked me up....When my birthday rolled around, Sweet asked me what kind of cake I wanted. Well of course I wanted Gigi's famous chocolate pound cake..So we dig out the recipe....it was a from scratch recipe....down the way it said....one block of oleo ROFLMAO!!! I couldn't call Nannie she was in the rest home by then and couldn't remember how to use her phone. Mom wasn't sure, so Sweet calls her Mom.....well they decided whatever and finally the cake was a reality. I just get tickled trying to figure out others recipes.