Men with boobs.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Heart

Pronouns are a matter of preference and a way to demonstrate respect to each other, but they are not the core issue, as Darth eloquently demonstrates with his post.

The above statements are key in terms of what I think of as a core issues in the community - valuing male over female, man over woman, therefore Butch becomes a "starting point" on a journey, inevitably, towards male identity. God - that is painful to even type. It is so totally negating of butch as a whole identity, as a valid female identity. But I think, sadly, it is common. It can be almost unconscious, but it is deeply rooted.

Heart

Horribly painful to see and cope with even when one values gender diversity. Sometimes, the unconscious aspect you speak of is the most painful to me. It often feels like an elusive, aggressive form of cancer that defies any and all treatments because there is so much scar tissue covering its etiology. Yet, where it stems from is right in front of us. This not only negates butch in its entirety, it helps misogyny continue to take from us all.

My butch journey has been one of embracing female more than ever before. Although, I have to admit this has been more outside of the B-F online communities, yet several of the people that have been part of this do participate here. And not all are FIB or femmes or even women.

But I sure do grow tired of this "starting point" on a journey, inevitably, towards male identity mentality. Sometimes, I really have to fight with myself to remain in the B-F community!

Sap that I am at times, I somehow gain the strength to continue here, but it is the other folks like you that have a hell of a lot to do with this!

[Dylan]

I just asked Mahhh Woman if she considers her pronoun a 'preference'...she said, "No. It's just my pronoun"

Seems logical enough. I'll bet if I asked my mother if she thought her pronoun was a 'preference', she'd probably wonder what the hell I was smoking.

I don't get why for butches, pronouns are considered a 'preference'. I mean, I have a preference for things like brands of coffee, cigarettes, candy bars, things like that.

Preference kind of implies a particular liking for something, but not necessarily a necessity. I mean, if the store is out Reese Peanut Butter cups, I might set my sights on...mmmmmm maybe a Twix Bar. 'Preference' implies if I don't get my way, there's other 'choices'.

I don't find my mother's pronoun a 'choice' or a 'preference'. It's just an IS. She's a she. No questions. No hard work. No one screws it up. No one has to write it down and make a big list.

And yet for butches, in a queer community, a pronoun is a 'preference'. It's WORK for QUEERS in a QUEER community to remember a pronoun? Really? It's difficult? Because, seems to me, in a queer community amongst QUEERS that I and other transguys would have more of a hard time with pronouns.

So that makes me wonder, WHY in a queer community are QUEERS defaulting to he? It's quite heterosexist for the default to be 'he', no? I mean, are butches just supposed to be male stand ins? Is it an "I'm not ready to accept I'm queer" thing?

And saying, "but but but, it's so harrrrrrrrdddddddd to keep track of a pronoun, and I don't like being called out when I don't want to do the 'work'..."...isn't that kind of like saying, "If you want to see all butches as he and male, why not just go back to men?"


I'm Being Serious, Because I Don't Get It...And I'm Willing To Bet Not Too Many Femmes Around Here Have A) EVER Been Called By The Wrong Pronoun And B) Consider Their Pronouns A 'Preference',
Dylan

[SuperFemme]

Bustelo and Hy.

[Jett]

Originally Posted by Darth Denkay

...........There seems to be an unspoken understanding that a butch should 'evolve' into something...more specific. And that ideally that "evolution" should include moving towards a more masculine identity, because that is better than just butch. I looked up evolution, and while I know some of you loathe definitions in posts I think this is important.

..............My inclusion of the definition is to point out that I think often the word "evolve" is assumed to mean 'changed into something better', when all it really signifies is change into something else.........

This is key to something that's been on my mind a lot lately and I'm going to kind of jump off it...

There are places, milestones in life we as people change and to grow and I've been going though one of those points.

In B-F context it's been coming out sideways as something of a fucking roller coaster really of hating labels, everything feeling itchy and trying to get out from under that feeling. But what I'd like to get at is about 6 weeks ago I took a bit of a self imposed hiatus, and I kind of woke up. Because in that time ended up looking at what was making me itchy about certain things/labels/words and my experiences that shaped those discomforts... instead of looking at how I could get around or avoid them which is what I had been doing.

I agree with you Darth, 100%. In our online community changes/movement (physical or other) along the gender lines is generally celebrated, as long as it's linear- toward male... and the hierarchy works it's way up hand in hand with this. I don't think it's expected for butches to move along that line but that that's the direction, to put it lightly, that's more valued... I don't think that's hard for anyone to see.

But the point... in that hiatus I changed my pronoun to she, and my appearance also changed somewhat... to more of a female appearance- and that doesn't equate to being feminine (again female doesn't mean feminine, two-whole-different-words). And I didn't change internally persay, but more let go of some bullshit I'd been holding on myself... shit I'd let sink it without realizing it.

And with all that I'm aware of the all the crap stuff enough and "unwritten laws" that for about a week I seriously questioned my remaining in the community, and NOT because my butch-ness changed, it didn't and I don't think it could, stone hasn't changed either, I suppose that could but I don't see it. I'm simply re-claiming being female, myself, and with it being female in butch and what that means for myself.

And make no mistake I can handle my own, always have. But it's more a question of with this I just wondered at what point does it push past the point of being worth the bull and the battle.

But part of being able to embrace this change in myself and grow with it is not giving a fuck about what anyone "thinks", we all grow in our own ways, and it's not always linear... but what's right for us. To me that's the most important thing to celebrate... and not which "direction" you went. I know lot of people probably aren't going to get it, but they don't need to except that my butch-ness doesn't depend one iota on how "male" I am or a pronoun, it never has.

You know I've read this a few times and I'm not even sure I got across what I intended... but like I said it's just some shit that's been weighing on my mind a hell of lot lately.

Peace,
Metropolis

[Medusa]

Great post, Met! And as usual, you have me doing some further thinking on the existence of and effects of the continuum.

I'll have to start another thread because I don't want to derail this one but I see a really similar happening in the Femme community with "the continuum" and the values places on the "hyper" Feminine.

We have a lot of "unwritten laws" in the Femme community as well, and although it might be wildly unpopular to suggest this, I am wondering if we don't as Femmes "celebrate" milestones that drive us toward the more homogenous version of "Femme" or "Woman" in much the same way that happens for the Butch community.

Im thinking particularly of Femmes who are elevated to a more "legitimate" or more "acceptable" status when they become partnered. (That whole "a single Femme is a dangerous Femme" thinking) or Femmes who are celebrated when they partner with a Transman.

I won't derail this thread any further with these thoughts but just wanted to say that I think these parallels tell at least me personally that there is something going on with the motion and direction that the Femme and Butch communities are pushed in with the created hierarchies.

I think there is more to it than trying to homogenize "Femme" or "Butch" into a heterosexual standard. It's almost like this need to be able to recognize each other as a "thing" or "label" becomes more important than recognizing the dynamic person. I'm not quite sure what it is yet but I'm thinking on it.

[BullDog]

Dylan you raise an excellent point. No my pronoun is not a preference. I didn't sit down one day to decide whether I preferred She or He. I've always been a She.

I've heard a couple explanations on why He became the default over on the Dash site. One of the owners said once that back in the Internet dark ages when they were communicating primarily via email lists there were no avatars, pics, etc to tell people apart so they used He for butches. I've also heard that in chat the default was He or Hy for butches to tell them apart from femmes and that's how we got to where we are now.

One thing I think is important to note is that these explanations really don't have anything to do with there being an increased influx of male identified butches. It is supposedly to tell butches apart from femmes, not to distinguish between different types of butches. I often hear when butch women are speaking up that we are afraid of becoming extinct. That really gives me a good laugh. Anyway...

First of all, I'm not sure why the hell you need to group people or tell them apart that way. If a person's gender is pertinent to the discussion, I'm sure they will let you know. When you are in chat talking back and forth does it really matter if the person is butch or femme? Is it an insult for a butch to be mistaken for a femme in chat? If so, why? Can't you ask if you really need to know?

If you are talking in third person about someone and for some reason you need to let your friend know who you are talking about is butch, you can say she's a butch or he's a butch.

I seriously don't get the whole "we need to tell the butches apart from the femmes" argument for using He. I thought we were queer/lesbian, homosexuals (same sex). What am I missing?

The other explanation I have heard is what it was a way to honor a butch's masculinity. Hah well it sure as hell doesn't honor mine. I think though this starts to get to the heart of the matter. People have a hard time thinking about masculinity in female terms. It is basically considered less disrespectful to call a butch He by mistake that goes by She, than to call a male identified butch She by mistake- which is like the worst crime in the world.

Masculinity is still closely associated with male. People have a hard time knowing how to recognize and refer to female masculinity that isn't associated with or compared with male. As many of us have said, this goes well beyond pronouns. It is not just pronouns which have become defaulted to male. Male has in many ways become the standard by which butches are measured.

Finally, butches like Toughy, myself and others have been speaking up for around 10 years. If for some reason it started out as a default with no ill intent, that's one thing. But why for years and years and years afterwards was there so much resistance to change after butches have been speaking up? Why is there still resistance by some?

I really think there is plenty of evidence to show that most butches are females and consider themselves to be females and many consider themselves to be women. Why the hell wouldn't that be the case? Most butches ARE females. We were born that way. Butch femme communities are comprised of female born people and trans people. If there were going to be any defaults, logically speaking it would be female pronouns and identities.

Those who identify as male should be respected and called by the proper pronouns. But they are not the majority and not the default. They never have been.

[Beau]

The "ideal" for a butch is "evolving" to a more "masculine identity" -- what. the. fuck?

The parts of me that are masculine are INNATE, biological, physiological aspects of my physical, psychological, and emotional self. They are not some manufactured or manipulated elements to produce "male".

I am evolved as a butch. Any further evolution is in terms of my own comfort level in dealing with an ignorant world that doesn't understand who or what I am.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Metropolis

This is key to something that's been on my mind a lot lately and I'm going to kind of jump off it...

There are places, milestones in life we as people change and to grow and I've been going though one of those points.

In B-F context it's been coming out sideways as something of a fucking roller coaster really of hating labels, everything feeling itchy and trying to get out from under that feeling. But what I'd like to get at is about 6 weeks ago I took a bit of a self imposed hiatus, and I kind of woke up. Because in that time ended up looking at what was making me itchy about certain things/labels/words and my experiences that shaped those discomforts... instead of looking at how I could get around or avoid them which is what I had been doing.

I agree with you Darth, 100%. In our online community changes/movement (physical or other) along the gender lines is generally celebrated, as long as it's linear- toward male... and the hierarchy works it's way up hand in hand with this. I don't think it's expected for butches to move along that line but that that's the direction, to put it lightly, that's more valued... I don't think that's hard for anyone to see.

But the point... in that hiatus I changed my pronoun to she, and my appearance also changed somewhat... to more of a female appearance- and that doesn't equate to being feminine (again female doesn't mean feminine, two-whole-different-words). And I didn't change internally persay, but more let go of some bullshit I'd been holding on myself... shit I'd let sink it without realizing it.

And with all that I'm aware of the all the crap stuff enough and "unwritten laws" that for about a week I seriously questioned my remaining in the community, and NOT because my butch-ness changed, it didn't and I don't think it could, stone hasn't changed either, I suppose that could but I don't see it. I'm simply re-claiming being female, myself, and with it being female in butch and what that means for myself.

And make no mistake I can handle my own, always have. But it's more a question of with this I just wondered at what point does it push past the point of being worth the bull and the battle.

But part of being able to embrace this change in myself and grow with it is not giving a fuck about what anyone "thinks", we all grow in our own ways, and it's not always linear... but what's right for us. To me that's the most important thing to celebrate... and not which "direction" you went. I know lot of people probably aren't going to get it, but they don't need to except that my butch-ness doesn't depend one iota on how "male" I am or a pronoun, it never has.

You know I've read this a few times and I'm not even sure I got across what I intended... but like I said it's just some shit that's been weighing on my mind a hell of lot lately.

Peace,
Metropolis

Very clear to me, Met! Thank you. I have always gotten so much from your take on things which means you make me think about new aspects and ideas! What I am really happy about is that you will still contribute on these kinds of threads. There are some totally awesome butches that have just given up doing so and I feel that is a great loss. But, I get their frustration as they have been through this a zillion times and feel that they keep repeating things to no avail. I think their insight is needed more than ever.

I share your feelings at times of just exiting the community- even in real-time. A prime reason I date more in other populations in which the B-F identities are just not so pronounced. But, I live in an area in which finding queer, lesbian women overall is quite easy. And there are many, many femmes actually among them that just don't interact on B-F sites or even strictly attend B-F social events. I feel fortunate about this because it has become clear to me that femmes per se that I would be interested in just have to be more global in their thinking. My age does pose some restrictions as I am just not a butch that will date femmes far younger than myself. But, the baby-boom generation is well represented in these populations as well. I certainly find some younger femmes attractive in every aspect of what I perceive attractiveness to be (it isn't just about physical attributes), but I am at a time in life in which someone being able to fully retire fairly soon and does not have young kids that still require them to be around all of the time is what I am looking for. Also, I am just not going to date someone near or younger than my own kid and he's 41.

I'm rambling... anyway, I very much appreciate your thoughts here!

I hope Dusa starts that other thread!!

[Dylan]

Originally Posted by BullDog

Dylan you raise an excellent point. No my pronoun is not a preference. I didn't sit down one day to decide whether I preferred She or He. I've always been a She.

I've heard a couple explanations on why He became the default over on the Dash site. One of the owners said once that back in the Internet dark ages when they were communicating primarily via email lists there were no avatars, pics, etc to tell people apart so they used He for butches. I've also heard that in chat the default was He or Hy for butches to tell them apart from femmes and that's how we got to where we are now.

One thing I think is important to note is that these explanations really don't have anything to do with there being an increased influx of male identified butches. It is supposedly to tell butches apart from femmes, not to distinguish between different types of butches. I often hear when butch women are speaking up that we are afraid of becoming extinct. That really gives me a good laugh. Anyway...

First of all, I'm not sure why the hell you need to group people or tell them apart that way. If a person's gender is pertinent to the discussion, I'm sure they will let you know. When you are in chat talking back and forth does it really matter if the person is butch or femme? Is it an insult for a butch to be mistaken for a femme in chat? If so, why? Can't you ask if you really need to know?

If you are talking in third person about someone and for some reason you need to let your friend know who you are talking about is butch, you can say she's a butch or he's a butch.

I seriously don't get the whole "we need to tell the butches apart from the femmes" argument for using He. I thought we were queer/lesbian, homosexuals (same sex). What am I missing?

The other explanation I have heard is what it was a way to honor a butch's masculinity. Hah well it sure as hell doesn't honor mine. I think though this starts to get to the heart of the matter. People have a hard time thinking about masculinity in female terms. It is basically considered less disrespectful to call a butch He by mistake that goes by She, than to call a male identified butch She by mistake- which is like the worst crime in the world.

Masculinity is still closely associated with male. People have a hard time knowing how to recognize and refer to female masculinity that isn't associated with or compared with male. As many of us have said, this goes well beyond pronouns. It is not just pronouns which have become defaulted to male. Male has in many ways become the standard by which butches are measured.

Finally, butches like Toughy, myself and others have been speaking up for around 10 years. If for some reason it started out as a default with no ill intent, that's one thing. But why for years and years and years afterwards was there so much resistance to change after butches have been speaking up? Why is there still resistance by some?

I really think there is plenty of evidence to show that most butches are females and consider themselves to be females and many consider themselves to be women. Why the hell wouldn't that be the case? Most butches ARE females. We were born that way. Butch femme communities are comprised of female born people and trans people. If there were going to be any defaults, logically speaking it would be female pronouns and identities.

Those who identify as male should be respected and called by the proper pronouns. But they are not the majority and not the default. They never have been.

I agree with you to a point.

Honestly, I think since the b-f/queer community has grown and does include male ID'd butches, transmen, transwomen, third-gendered folks, two-spirit folks, etc, and since this particular site isn't ONLY butch-femme, but strives to include ALL queer people...

I personally think the default pronoun should be zie/per/sie or one of the other neutral pronouns (and I mean that for femmes too). I mean, if we're striving to be an all-inclusive community, then we *should* be prepared to be more 'welcoming' of ALL queers, no? If we're going to sit and point fingers at, say, Cynthia Nixon for not being 'aware' of 'people in her community'...then, I think we, as a community *should* be more 'aware' also.

We're not a very welcoming community to A LOT of people in the transgendered/transsexed arenas...not as long as we're 'forcing' (used loosely) to pick a pronoun (out of two), not as long as we're *choosing* pronouns for other people, not as long as we're 'whatevering' people's pronouns, etc

I mean, I get it if someone is new to this site, and they default to a 'she' pronoun. What I don't get is people who have interacted here for years who still just blow it off. I mean, seriously, HOW does One interact with the same people for years and years...HOW does One MEET some of those people in person, share drinks, share whatnots and STILL screw up something like a pronoun? I mean, seriously, if you (general) screw up a co-worker's pronoun, I'll bet you only do it once...but here, it's just blown off?

And here's another thing I don't get...I'm on a number of websites. Some of them are primarily straight websites, some of them are queer websites, some of them are a mix. It's all sorts of people. I don't have to 'make a list' or 'keep a diary' to keep people's pronouns straight. It's amazing how many people I can hang out with in a public setting and not screw up a pronoun...and if I'm not sure, there's ways to navigate around it, or (holy shit) just ask. So, I'm not understanding why people's brains seem to fly out the window when they log into this site.


Dylan

[BullDog]

Well I don't think there should be a default pronoun. You make another good point Dylan. Many of us are parts of other online communities or social sites where there are a mixture of people. No one is wringing their hands over on Facebook or a gardening site because they can't remember everyone's pronouns.

[Jett]

Originally Posted by Dylan

I agree with you to a point.

Honestly, I think since the b-f/queer community has grown and does include male ID'd butches, transmen, transwomen, third-gendered folks, two-spirit folks, etc, and since this particular site isn't ONLY butch-femme, but strives to include ALL queer people...

I personally think the default pronoun should be zie/per/sie or one of the other neutral pronouns (and I mean that for femmes too). I mean, if we're striving to be an all-inclusive community, then we *should* be prepared to be more 'welcoming' of ALL queers, no? If we're going to sit and point fingers at, say, Cynthia Nixon for not being 'aware' of 'people in her community'...then, I think we, as a community *should* be more 'aware' also.

We're not a very welcoming community to A LOT of people in the transgendered/transsexed arenas...not as long as we're 'forcing' (used loosely) to pick a pronoun (out of two), not as long as we're *choosing* pronouns for other people, not as long as we're 'whatevering' people's pronouns, etc

I mean, I get it if someone is new to this site, and they default to a 'she' pronoun. What I don't get is people who have interacted here for years who still just blow it off. I mean, seriously, HOW does One interact with the same people for years and years...HOW does One MEET some of those people in person, share drinks, share whatnots and STILL screw up something like a pronoun? I mean, seriously, if you (general) screw up a co-worker's pronoun, I'll bet you only do it once...but here, it's just blown off?

And here's another thing I don't get...I'm on a number of websites. Some of them are primarily straight websites, some of them are queer websites, some of them are a mix. It's all sorts of people. I don't have to 'make a list' or 'keep a diary' to keep people's pronouns straight. It's amazing how many people I can hang out with in a public setting and not screw up a pronoun...and if I'm not sure, there's ways to navigate around it, or (holy shit) just ask. So, I'm not understanding why people's brains seem to fly out the window when they log into this site.


Dylan

I hear you're point and agree with much of it... but that said I don't think there should be any "default".

No doubt they're would be quite a few peeps who would rather not be called those pronouns either. I'm not gender neutral, and I really wouldn't be fond of peeps using pronouns like zie/ze/sie etc on me.

Not just myself I think there's a lot of people who fight hard to be recognized for various reasons, and I do believe that in the GLBTQ-XYZ community pronouns are often part of that.

Metro

ETA: Like you say, just ask... I don't think it's all that hard.
(per? I've never heard of that)

[Dylan]

I don't think there should be a catch-all pronoun for all people.

But I hear people saying, "It's difficult"

If it's difficult, I don't understand why the 'go to' is he/hy

I mean, yeah, I get that there's going to be people with whom One doesn't interact all the time, and maybe One just doesn't know what the pronoun is.

In THAT case, I think the 'default' *should* be a neutral pronoun until One finds out what pronoun Someone uses.

I didn't mean, 'default' as in "Here's the pronoun we're gonna use for all people all the time"

I just meant as, "If One doesn't know, why not pick something neutral"


Because, Yeah, I Don't Think There Should Be A Default,
Dylan

[Gayla]

Originally Posted by BullDog

Well I don't think there should be a default pronoun. You make another good point Dylan. Many of us are parts of other online communities or social sites where there are a mixture of people. No one is wringing their hands over on Facebook or a gardening site because they can't remember everyone's pronouns.

I will admit that for a brief moment, since I am so often known as hy/he in the b-f community, I had some hesitation about setting my gender as "female" on Facebook.

[Nat]

I spent most of the day reading, re-reading and gathering quotes from the earlier parts of the thread in order to best respond to people who responded to my post regarding femme expectations, etc. Unfortunately, the thread is getting away from me while I've been at it.

Now it's past my bedtime. If, by the time I finish writing a response, it is in any way appropriate to where the thread has gone by that time, I will post it. I do want to thank the people who replied to me and I do hope I have not irreparably offended anyone. I have of late avoided controversy because it stresses me out and so I have been kinda put out with myself for writing what I wrote even though it spoke to my own feelings at the time. It's just emotionally hard to handle - especially if I feel like my words have wounded or even further frustrated anybody at all whatsoever.

Before I go to sleep, I wanted to say something about the info I've gathered - which is still only from pages 1 - 14 of this thread. I am not a natural at categorization or organization, but as I gathered quotes, I tried to fit them into some sort of category. Most overlapped or could have been categorized in more than one way. I just wanted to provide a list of the categories I came up with based on the quotes. I'd include the quotes too, but I'd basically be reposting the entire first 14 pages of the thread.

I think the sheer amount of issues we are simultaneously grappling with is really pretty amazing within this one topic.

The categories I saw were:

- The Treatment of Masculine Women in the World and in this Community
- Gender Hierarchy (within the butch identity and within the world)
- Issues of Shared Space within the Butch Identity
- The Personal/Individual vs ? (Political? Community standards? Ideology?)
- Butch Pronouns
- Influence of the Dash site
- Femme Troubles and Trouble with Femmes (Troubles voiced by femmes and troubles voiced regarding femmes)

Are there others I'm missing?

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Beau

The "ideal" for a butch is "evolving" to a more "masculine identity" -- what. the. fuck?

The parts of me that are masculine are INNATE, biological, physiological aspects of my physical, psychological, and emotional self. They are not some manufactured or manipulated elements to produce "male".

I am evolved as a butch. Any further evolution is in terms of my own comfort level in dealing with an ignorant world that doesn't understand who or what I am.

Yes, WTF??

I am evolved as a human being. And if being butch were to mean finishing at male, I am happy to turn in my butch card and exit the B-F community and dynamic because this is just what I signed-up for. For those that a personal journey in which female-masculinity does not fit, I give my support. But this is not the default road for all butches. We are all ever changing, and have to adapt to this world and relationships.

I not only hear what someone else asks for in stating what pronoun the prefer, but, I want to offer this kind of courtesy. I want the same in return. Yes, some of this can be simply boiled down to common courtesy. Yes, that ignorant world... which sometimes includes this very community.

If the pronoun discission was really just about terms, I don't think we would have these debates at all. It goes much deeper and is related to some core structures and values we all have a stake in. As Heart pointed out, a deeply rooted devaluation of female and the feminine exists here. It goes beyond butch to femmes as well. These issues affect us all.

I don't want any kind of default pronoun just like I don't want stereotypes and hierarchies of both butches and femmes. High, low, soft, hard.... etc.... None of us are pronouns.

I am so glad to see you posting, Beau!

[Softhearted]

Derailing here:

But I'm a bit perpexled when I see the word "sie" perceived as neutral...

Must be 3 trimesters of german (years ago) that makes me go UH?

In german:

sie (without a capital s) is used either as: 3rd person singular for genus femininum (she) or for 3rd person plural for all genus (maskulinum/femininum/neutrum).

When capitalized, Sie is consider the formal form of you (the equivalent of "Vous" in french).

Done with my derail...

[Heart]

I believe "per" comes from Marge Piercy's amazing book, "Woman on the Edge of Time." It stands for "person."

[Dylan]

This is going to be a bit of an overshare, but...

From the time I can remember, I have been answering the 'are you a boy or a girl?' question. From kindergarten thru about middle school, I was called 'he/she'. High school brought 'lez' and 'man/girl'. My gender presentation elicits stares, finger-points, comments, threats, name-calling, etc EVERYDAY and EVERYWHERE I go. I no longer talk to most of thee people in my family because of my gender (going on 20 years now).

I have from my earliest memories had to sit and listen to salespeople and the like trip and stumble over a fucking pronoun with me. Whether they sir me or ma'am me at first, I then have to sit and listen to them trip over themselves and apologize and correct themselves. Theb, I have to (usually) apologize and c@oddle them, because they just 'feel so bad' about screwing it up...even when they got it right the first time.

I have been reminded multiple times a day from the time I can remember that my gender is 'difficult work' for countless lazy people.and I KNOW I share this same story with just about every butch on this website.

So really, when I'm in my own community of queer people who claim to be so very aware, I really can't take hearing, 'but but but it's just so hard'. Nor can I take the flippancy...especially from people who have NOT ever dealt with any of this.

People don't change their pronouns on a whim. This isn't brain surgery. If you think 'remembering' the people you deal with frequently is 'work' try dealing with the flippancy and having other people decide FOR you.


Dylan

[SuperFemme]

Not being seen for who you are is worse than not being seen at all.

[Dylan]

I would also like to add that for many many years I have also had to sit idly by while friends changed up my pronoun to better suit THEIR conversations, or so that servers (for example) didn't look at THEM weird.

If people don't think sitting there while a FRIEND changes your pronoun, so a server in a restaurant doesn't look at your friend weird isn't work...

I don't see how ANYONE can piss and moan about how 'difficult' this shit is to 'remember'. There really is no excuse besides shear uncaring, disrespect, and laziness. At least Arwen had the chutzpah to just say, 'yeah, sometimes I'm lazy' instead of making excuses and blaming the victim...or turning it into the plight of the perpetrator.

Dylan