Tell us...I knew I was...

[Sachita]

4th grade I had a teacher that was really pretty. I didnt understand what was happening at the time but I knew I liked being near her and smelling her perfume. I had no interest in boys, at all. By 6th grade I still had a crush on my 4th grade teacher and often came up with excuses to see her. I climbed ropes and got a funny sensation between my legs. As I climbed towards the top I clenched my thighs imagining myself wrapped around her with my head shoved between her breast. I am pretty sure they were orgasms because I was addicted to them & climbing those ropes until my best friend Patty showed me how to masturbate. Then I showed my step sister. We talked about being with boys and what we would do but we never did. We just practiced on each other. lol

I dated a few boys and even got married. I thought maybe I was bi. I cheated on my husband with girls until he finally say me down and told me I was a lesbian. Deep down I knew this but it seemed too hard to be gay. There were years i didnt want to be queer and fought it but then my libido would go into overdrive and sex with a man wasn't the same.

When I was 26 I fell madly in love with her. She was a masculine and feminine. We fought, we fucked, we had the most unreal passion I think I've ever had. I knew my life would never be the same.

[cara]

i knew and acknowledged i was kinky long before i ever acknowledged i was lesbian/queer. i have read journal entries from my teenage years where i was wondering about my sexual orientation but honestly didn't know there was any other option than "straight" for me until i left home at 18 and went to college. my teenage years were full of confusion, depression, anxiety, and subtle rebellion in the form of self-given piercings and tattoos.

i wasn't interested in dating in junior high or high school, so my first date was my high school senior prom and i went with a male friend and classmate. i went on one other date with a male my freshman year of college, lost my virginity to a male when i was a sophomore in college, then didn't date or do anything intimate with anyone else until i was 22 and living/studying in Edinburgh, Scotland. It was there that i met the woman i first kissed at a rugby tourney on the Isle of Mull. We went on a few dates and slept together a few times before i came home. After i that, i met my first girlfriend, who was from Memphis, TN and we had a long-distance relationship for nearly two years. i came out to my parents when i was 24.

8 or 9 years and a few more relationships later, here i am at 33 and fully knowing and accepting myself as a queer/lesbian, kinky, femme. It has been a tough road but totally worth it. Obviously, there's a lot more to my story but this is the short version. I live my life as an open book so if there is anything you want to ask me, feel free!

Thanks, Tommi!

[FlowerFem]

Looking back now, I was always attracted to strong women, but I didn't know what the attraction was when I was young. I dated boys all throughout my teens and the first year of college. I never even considered a women or even knew it was an option for me. I knew noone that was gay, I had no gay friends (that I knew of) and it just wasn't a part of my life, I had no exposure.
But I started meeting more people at parties and in my classes made friends with a few lesibans , I wouldn't call them butch really, but they were athletes. Then through them, I met this butch who played softball and basketball, and that was the end of my sheltered life,as I knew it .

[Starbuck]

Growing up I hated dresses, I loved GI Joe, I played in the dirt, played with fire, & played football and baseball in the street. I first noticed that I had an interest in my best friend in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do anything about it, I changed school districts. Throughout junior high I had only one boyfriend and during high school, no boyfriends, but I was interested in one young man. While in the Army I married a man I later found out to be abusive; I had one son with this man.

For five years I was a single parent. I tried to date but I just never found what I was looking for. I thought that I had found another companion and I've been married now for 12 years but I've come to realize that what I am missing in my life is the love and affection of another woman. I've had regular dreams and even erotic dreams about women long before I admitted to myself that I was lesbian. Now some may think that I am bi, that is NOT the case. It absolutely disgusts me to even think about being intimate with my husband, or any man for that matter! For the longest time I told my husband that "I just didn't want to, (that) I wasn't in the mood" and that would go on for up to almost a year before I would begrudgingly give in, hating it.

Well, I finally got the nerve up one night and told him that I was a lesbian and that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted to move on since I wasn't performing as a "normal wife" does. I was hoping he would take me up on the offer, but he did not. So now, I must save up some money for divorce because I can no longer live in this relationship, it is killing me. I've had the wonderful experience of being in love with a woman and I can tell you, it is on a level much deeper than any man can ever hope to achieve.

[katsarecool]

Originally Posted by Starbuck

Growing up I hated dresses, I loved GI Joe, I played in the dirt, played with fire, & played football and baseball in the street. I first noticed that I had an interest in my best friend in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do anything about it, I changed school districts. Throughout junior high I had only one boyfriend and during high school, no boyfriends, but I was interested in one young man. While in the Army I married a man I later found out to be abusive; I had one son with this man.

For five years I was a single parent. I tried to date but I just never found what I was looking for. I thought that I had found another companion and I've been married now for 12 years but I've come to realize that what I am missing in my life is the love and affection of another woman. I've had regular dreams and even erotic dreams about women long before I admitted to myself that I was lesbian. Now some may think that I am bi, that is NOT the case. It absolutely disgusts me to even think about being intimate with my husband, or any man for that matter! For the longest time I told my husband that "I just didn't want to, (that) I wasn't in the mood" and that would go on for up to almost a year before I would begrudgingly give in, hating it.

Well, I finally got the nerve up one night and told him that I was a lesbian and that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted to move on since I wasn't performing as a "normal wife" does. I was hoping he would take me up on the offer, but he did not. So now, I must save up some money for divorce because I can no longer live in this relationship, it is killing me. I've had the wonderful experience of being in love with a woman and I can tell you, it is on a level much deeper than any man can ever hope to achieve.

I think so many of us can relate to your coming out story!! Wishing you well and lots of happiness in your journey!

[Starbuck]

Originally Posted by katsarecool

I think so many of us can relate to your coming out story!! Wishing you well and lots of happiness in your journey!

Thank you so very much for your encouraging words, katsarecool!

[Tommi]

Starbuck

Thanks for your post Starbuck.Sounds like this time you found someone that wasn' abusive, so, that has been safer for you, even though you are left unfulfilled. Maybe he will meet someone and move on, or, you could just move on. I am not a good one for love lorn advice. I screw up wet dreams. Best wishes, and I'm glad you found the Planet.

[WolfyOne]

Wow, reading these stories makes me remember my own journey. As a kid, I was always a tomboy. Growing up in an era where children were sheltered, I had no idea what gay or homosexual really was. Now that I'm older and look back, I'd call myself naive back then. I dated boys because it was expected of me. I never had sex with them until just before I married at 17 1/2. What I found out was I didn't like sex with a man. I found it disgusting and it hurt. After about 6 months and me avoiding the bedroom when he wanted it, made me realize something was wrong. A year into our marriage, I was introduced to 4 women in a country band. I found myself instantly attracted to one of them and couldn't pinpoint why. From that day on, I had a lot of self exploration. I finally walked out on my marriage. It was through those women that I was able to figure out who I really was because one of them was kind enough to let me stay in her spare bedroom. So many times the women called me a baby butch and I knew not of what they spoke. At 19, I finally sat down with a good friend and a bottle of wine. We talked for hours and she brought out the person I was meant to be for the rest of my life. I have never once looked back, no reason for self doubt. I am who I am and I guess I always was this way but the way I was raised made me deny it because I didn't understand it way back then. I will agree that the intimacy I share with women is so much more than what I shared with a man. Thank the powers that be for self exploration along with good friends and wine.

[dixie]

I had kind of an odd upbringing, so in some ways I'm surprised at how I turned out and some ways not. Allow me to explain (this might be kinda long, sorry...)

I am a poster child for the effects of antibiotics while on birth control...lol My mother did not want kids, eventhough my dad did. When I was born, my mother decided that if she was stuck with a kid, she'd rather have a boy. My dad was ok with this since that meant I would be his little sidekick. So...I was pretty much raised as a boy. I wore boy clothes (even little suits and ties), had a short "boy" haircut, and was called "Jake" or "Chris". (My name is Crystal.) My dad would still buy me some Barbie dolls, but for the most part all my toys were tonka trucks, Hot Wheels and GI Joes. I begged for an Easy Bake oven but never got it because that was a "sissy" toy. I played football, wrestled, went hunting and fishing with Dad, drag raced and did all the "guy" stuff. We still went to church on occasion, so I looked really darn funny in those big poofy Easter dresses with that short hair. (I also HATED those damn dresses...lol) It wasn't until middle school that other members of the family gave my folks a hard time about it, so they started buying me a few girl clothes and makeup, and got me to grow my hair to shoulder length. By 10th grade I had embraced my "female" side (much to my mother's displeasure) and became a definite raging teen girl...lol I was still a tomboy, but I wore skintight jeans, makeup and grew my hair to my waist. As I've aged, I've noticed that (especially the last couple years) I get more and more feminine. In a way, I enjoy some aspects of it, but at the same time I hate it and feel kinda torn inside about it.

I still have some issues that stem from this. I am not really comfortable being with "the girls". I feel extremely self-conscious being around other feminine women, whether they be femmes, lesbians or hetero. I do not feel as though I belong. I do not feel as though I am one of them. I have hardly any close feminine friends because of it. I am much more comfortable hanging out with butches, transguys and cis males. I literally still feel like "one of the guys". Sometimes I do wonder how I ended up looking and IDing the way I do, instead of more butch or even trans.

Ok...how all that ties in to the subject at hand... I sometimes wonder if being raised as a boy started my fascination (love) of females, which began at a very early age. In elementary school I was always sneaking off with the cute lil girls and kissing them behind the building...lol By high school, I had "secret" girlfriends while I was still dating guys. My cousin was pretty much ran out of my town when he came out in his 30s, and after seeing how devastating that was to him I swore it wouldn't happen to me. Also, being raised in a strict religious family, I was afraid of what they would think of me, or if they would disown me. I knew that it was required of me to be a "normal" girl and date "normal" guys. So that's what I did. I even married one and had a son. Didn't take very long to figure out that I couldn't keep doing that to myself. I was miserable and hated every minute of it, eventhough it wasn't really a "real" marriage. (He knew that I was into women, and he was bi himself.) I finally came out, and was very surprised at the fact that my family was very accepting of it. Most of them said they had known all along.

From there I started trying to discover more about who I truly was, and what I was looking for. I called myself bi for a little while, because I thought that's what it meant for my situation. I had been married and had a son, but I was attracted to women. The more folks I met, books I read, forums I went to...I realized that my definition of self "evolved". (I also discovered the b/f world, trans folks and many other folks I didn't realize were out there.) I wasn't actually bi because I had zero attraction to cis males. I wasn't really a lesbian because that just didn't seem to fit, and felt kind of like a box (although sometimes I still use that term because it's easier to get the point across to those who are not familiar). I identify as a femme sometimes because it's kinda close to who I am, how I look, etc. I joke and say I'm 51% Femme/49% Butch cause it is sometimes a battle raging within me. I do not put others into a box. I do not discriminate in my dating choices (other than cis males), but I have discovered that the best partner for me is someone who is fluid (and confident) in their sexuality as well. Mainly, I'm just queer. Simple (and as complicated) as that.

Sorry. I guess I wrote all that because of the way the OP worded their first post. I tried to cover when (and how) I discovered who i am...

[Starbuck]

Originally Posted by Tommi

Starbuck

Thanks for your post Starbuck.Sounds like this time you found someone that wasn' abusive, so, that has been safer for you, even though you are left unfulfilled. Maybe he will meet someone and move on, or, you could just move on. I am not a good one for love lorn advice. I screw up wet dreams. Best wishes, and I'm glad you found the Planet.

Tommi,

Thanks so much for your kind words. It is my true wish that he could find someone to move on to, that way he wouldn't feel so "left out". But either way, I am in the process of moving on like I said in my original post, I am miserable in my current living situation.

[SimpleAlaskanBoy]

Fell in love with my Senior best friend when I was 14 & a freshman. Of course, she was straight, but at the time that didn't matter. Dated a coupla guys before that, but it didn't go very far.
"Came out" to my parents at 18 as bi.Didn't really see myself that way, but I thought it would be easier on my mom to take.
Spent the next few years trying to figure out where I fit in. Was I butch, femme, andro? I tried a lot of id's but none of them fit right. Then I found out about transmen. I read a lot. Struggled a lot. Realized that, even though I didn't know ever since I was a kid (I have a chronic health problem I was born with and was in and out of the hospital a lot) and enjoyed Barbies and Hot Wheels, I was a guy. It sure would explain the fact that I was uncomfortable with my body after it hit puberty the first time!
Came out to my mom again at 23, while she was in another city/state tending to my younger brother who just had major surgery ( I sure have great timing!) Started to realize a renewed interest in men. Struggled.
Started T about 3-4 years ago. Like the changes it's made to my body, totally prefer "Sir" over "Ma'am" in public but still hate the shot.
Slept with a guy, realized I liked it and that was okay...that it probably had to do with the fact I was comfortable in my own skin for the first time in many years...it also helped it wasn't a creepy older man who are what I seemed to attract my first puberty around.
Id as bisexual now, although it's not exactly something I want to share with my mom. Prefer relationships with women and something a little less than that with men when I am single.
Complicated but then my mom has always said I take the hard road, on everything!

~SAB

[asphaltcowboi]

ahh my family told me when i was very young that i was diffrent. so i grew up being who ever i wanted to be .. be it GIJO or roy rodgers i lived as i felt and it was ok then in my teens i stressed about coming out to my family cause i never new what any of the words (gay,lez,fag)ment. lol so when i did it wasnt news to them other then my older bro saying you just now realizing this?.. stressed for no reason!

[T D]

Originally Posted by Starbuck

Growing up I hated dresses, I loved GI Joe, I played in the dirt, played with fire, & played football and baseball in the street. I first noticed that I had an interest in my best friend in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do anything about it, I changed school districts. Throughout junior high I had only one boyfriend and during high school, no boyfriends, but I was interested in one young man. While in the Army I married a man I later found out to be abusive; I had one son with this man.

For five years I was a single parent. I tried to date but I just never found what I was looking for. I thought that I had found another companion and I've been married now for 12 years but I've come to realize that what I am missing in my life is the love and affection of another woman. I've had regular dreams and even erotic dreams about women long before I admitted to myself that I was lesbian. Now some may think that I am bi, that is NOT the case. It absolutely disgusts me to even think about being intimate with my husband, or any man for that matter! For the longest time I told my husband that "I just didn't want to, (that) I wasn't in the mood" and that would go on for up to almost a year before I would begrudgingly give in, hating it.

Well, I finally got the nerve up one night and told him that I was a lesbian and that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted to move on since I wasn't performing as a "normal wife" does. I was hoping he would take me up on the offer, but he did not. So now, I must save up some money for divorce because I can no longer live in this relationship, it is killing me. I've had the wonderful experience of being in love with a woman and I can tell you, it is on a level much deeper than any man can ever hope to achieve.

Except for, perhaps, a trans man

I knew I was different as early as kindergarten. I didn't know what it meant then, and I can tell ya that anything queer wasn't something people talked about in the 50's. It's been a long road. Amazingly I probably had a total of 2 dates with males my entire life (in high school). I've never had sex with one, came out actively as a lesbian around 1970, and have really viewed myself more male than female for the past 20+ years.

And as my mom put it, I'm now going to be an old short man
Which certainly has me wondering........... about a lot.

Some things are just a work in progress

[Glenn]

Lifelong Stonebutch. Here's my story: I fell in love with my gorgeous babysitter Cookie. She was an Angel. When I was 6, I was the leader of our local bois gang. Once in awhile, a hott lil grrl from a local tea party group would catch me and makeout with me Upstaires, a Butch-Femme couple befriended my parents They'd scoop this baby stonebutch up every weekend and drive me to the wilds of Michigan where the Butch owned a resort and the Femme owned a restaurant. I ate great, and the butch taught me everything from driving a motorboat to shooting They broke up when I was 15. I never dated, still hung out with the local bois, but I had several crushes on school girls. Finially, I wanted to meet one, so what better way to do it than start an all female hard rock band. Then I met her when I was 18. My first marriage. She was my drummer. That lasted only 7 years because I was away alot on business and she cheated. Well, I mourned for a couple of years, then I met the woman I was to be faithfully married to for over thirty years at a local Lesbian community center. Overall, it's been a good journey here, and it's still not over yet

[JAGG]

I was born this way. Never had any other attraction , only women and only femme women. Only liked boys clothes, boys toys and sports . Nothing about being a girl appealed to me. I didn't know I was gay, because I didn't know there was a word for it. I dreamed about girls. I have never had a dream about anything but women. Hahah I can't even think straight when I sleep.

[Rook]

I think I've known all my Life, however, I did not know what it was called per se until I turned 13 and some kid called me "fuckin' Queer".
I've been a "tomboy" since I was practically 3 years old..
There wasn't a Tree I couldn't climb, and yes, I even climbed walls indoors...
I had a nifty trick to climbing up where there were Doors, it always freaked my parents.
My fave bikes were BMX, toys? Tonka, He-man, Hot Wheels..
I despised Dresses/Skirts..
I constantly was in fistfights in the playground for whatever reason, either the playground bully was tiresome for me, or some kids didnt let me play cuz I was "just a stupid girl"..
I did gloat, often, when I was welcome to play House, and I had the role of Daddy, always.
At first, it was wonderful cuz I could make believe I had the Best mo'fo car in the 'hood...
Later on, it was because I could kiss the popular beautiful girl with honey-brown eyes...French kissies were her fave -efg-
Not quite mine, yet{I wasn't fond of drool...still aint }...
One night, my brother and I were "peeping" at a house where the lady didn't bother playing modest..
We climbed on the basketball's post, while we were being evil little shits, my brother said "Why are you peeking? You're a girl, she's a girl..."
My response was "I dunno, I just like girls..Alot, they're very pretty, besides, I could ask u the same thing, Why are you peeking?"
My cousin, however, was drop-dead gorgeous {still is}, she took it all to a whole new level of sensuality, and yes I know it should be gross, but then she wasn't "blood"..
I believe we were 14..
She's still in the closet, but man was she ever jealous..
Throughout the years, every time I brought a new "friend" to the Family Gatherings, if looks could kill, both my girl and I would've been Dust...
By 16 I "discovered" the word Lesbian, thanks k.d.lang.
By the time I was 17, I was introduced to the word "stone butch", thanks leslie feinberg...
In high School, I met a girl, that , I swear, Everything around me just, disappeared and there was only Her..
I don't say I heard birds chirping and music, because that's cliche...
We were together everywhere, she'd sit right behind me, just to comb and braid my hair{I had very long hair, in the closet}, that alone had everyone whispering.
In the Mosque, as well, another girl had me crushing intensely..
School fights were more "serious" at this point, but then I was doing rather well in Shotokan...
By the time I "came out" to family and friends, some said "I knew it !!!", some said "I had my suspicions", others condemned me to hell...
My mother felt hurt for awhile, after all I did hide things from her..
I was scared shitless when I came out to her, I had recently met with, and had a bad case of infatuation, a friend of my brothers who was also Butch..Hy was kicked out of hys house, hy shacked up with friends and random girlfriends..
My brother assumed it was a phase, that I hadn't met "the man of your dreams"..
I cut my hair, a Fade, and yeah you could knock both my mother and girlfriend over with a feather.
Not in a good way...
My hair took me at least 1 hour to fix, fuck that...
I gave it all to "locks of love"{I have/had a few relatives with Cancer}..
I think that was the only consolation for 'em...
Every time Officials ask me "single, Married, Divorced, widow?", I often wanna say "Divorced" but then, I was never married legally...
I did try once, and it didn't quite work..
"divorced"
"date of divorce?"
"umm...."

so, yeah, that's the short version of it all...

[Nat]

Originally Posted by Tommi

~Butch ~ Femme ~ Gay ~ Queer ~ Trans ~ Straight ~ or whichever descriptive image/s you choose

When did you know?

What did you do?

Tell us about your truths, your travels, travails, and trust. Tell us your story.

Looking back, I know I had crushes on girls my whole life but didn't frame it that way in my head, and I was also kinda boy-crazy. In 8th/9th grade, I had a boyfriend that I most definitely loved and I thought he was infinitely cool - definitely the coolest guy in my town (in my own estimation) and also beautiful and tragic. But even while in that relationship, I wrote a poem about a girl in my gym class. There was nothing in the poem to indicate the gender of the person it was about, but within about 20 minutes of writing it, I started asking myself what it meant and the only answer I had to that was to tear it up and throw it away.

My boyfriend and I had broken up by 10th grade, and I'd also realized that flirting with girls was way more fun then vying with them for male attention. Because of some trauma in my own life and some really sad and screwed up events regarding the first boyfriend, I imagined I was no longer capable of loving another person. I was very numb for about a decade afterward. I did think I was probably gay, but I was just drifting through life. I flirted with receptive straight girls, I dated men I couldn't bring myself to care too much for.

I came out to my aunt and a few friends when I was 19, and I was pretty sure then, but intimidated. Also, I wanted a wedding, I wanted a kid. Met my ex-husband when I was 19. He was beautiful - he looked a bit like jude law - and he had a gentle, perceptive, calming, feminine nature. I told him I was probably gay (and I thought he probably was too really). Ended up eventually marrying him while at the same time having a huge crush on my straight best friend. That was nothing though compared to the crushes I started getting on lesbians within a few years of getting married. I left him in May 2005 and by September I had realized I was gay for sure. Then I came out (and into this community) and ended up trying to re-figure all that out because so many of the people I was most attracted to were male-identified and I thought that meant maybe I wasn't a lesbian after all. And then there was my own gender experience of feeling bigendered and then coming out about all that. yadda yadda. So then again I wasn't sure if I was a lesbian or what.

But then I was in California during prop 8, and I began thinking about the fact that however I personally identify my gender and/or however the person I'm with identifies their gender, I'm a lesbian. I'm female-bodied, I prefer to partner with those who have bodies designated female. I prefer to live an out life. I would not be willing to closet myself or disappear my past or my truth if a partner transitioned. I'm not willing to closet myself by using male pronouns regarding my partner when doing so would communicate to others that I am in a straight relationship. If my current partner decided she wanted to transition, I would be supportive - but I would not allow my own identity to be subsumed by it.

So I guess I figured out I was a lesbian at 14, at 19, at 27 and at 30. And then the times between were more exploratory and processing of more data - but during those times I thought I was probably bisexual or pansexual or queer or - if there were a term for it - attracted to a range of people who tend to have atypical gender experience or presentation. If I put all identities aside and just looked at attraction, I would say I'm probably a 4.5 on the Kinsey scale. But when it comes to capacity to love, I think I'm more of a 5.5. I feel like my sexuality has evolved over the years - that it hasn't been stagnant - and that I was more attracted to guys (especially feminine guys) as a teen than I am as an adult. I think it's normal for sexuality to evolve over time, at least for some people. But then I wonder how much the slow shedding of internalized homophobia has had a role in that evolution.




I figured out I was a femme during a gender crisis in 2007. Though I still also think of myself and sometimes refer to myself as bigender, I have never put aside the femme identity since I finally came to own it.

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by Nat

......
. .... But then I wonder how much the slow shedding of internalized homophobia has had a role in that evolution.

.....

Thank you for your entire post Nat. That sentence above just jumped up and shouted hello to me. *some folks don't like the terms/labeling/definitions below, but they are used in conversation, not judgment).

I have met and loved many wonderful "straight" women in my journey. I identified as male early, and always have been with those with feminine traits. Whether straight single, married, divorced, with and without children. Some had never been with anyone, celibate, because they preferred not to be with bio-men, and knew being gay would surely send them to hell. Well, I say, Honey, your'e not going to hell...

Many said that had it not been for homophobia in the family, community, society, they would have been with a bio-female much earlier.

My longest relationship brought with it the blessing of a daughter who we raised together. She grew into a beautiful,deeply caring, and loving women and married a USAF Sargent. I am now a proud Grandparent of Dustin Bradley and Trinity Hope, two amazingly smart, and bestest kids on the planet.

We parted ways after over almost 20 years together, because she found a God that said ....homosexuality was a sin!. We are friends and we will always be Leia's parents & the Grandparents.

.

(some folks don't like the terms/labeling/definitions above, but they are used in conversation, not judgment).