When a Femme meets a Butch... dating advice!

[DapperButch]

You said she was on Facebook. What does her relationship status say (or whatever it is called on there)?

[Dance-with-me]

Originally Posted by Martina

If I had the time back I spent listening to these angsty convos, . . . . well, I'd have a lot more time. If you do ask her out, use the word "date."

LOL yes, my very best friend and I started with me asking her on a date that she didn't know was a date, and then freaked out when she realized that I considered it a date. We still laugh about it almost 20 years later - and I learned that lesson well.

Originally Posted by Fatale

I've always been a big advocate and embracer of the direct approach. I couldn't quite suss out when next you will see this woman. I think you said you are considering or actually planning on doing some volunteer work for an group in which she's quite active, yes?

Unfortunately not quite that - she runs the program that I am volunteering to help, but most of what I'll do will not bring me into face-to-face contact with her.

Regarding whether she IDs as butch, how vital is that to you? You like her, are attracted to her, is it of utmost importance because that dynamic, or the lack of it, is not a negotiable for you?

When I first re-entered the dating scene a few months ago I thought I would be ok with someone who was not butch, but I realize that I need that dynamic. I'm not a lipstick lesbian, I'm a femme who needs that butch/femme dance.

Originally Posted by DapperButch

You said she was on Facebook. What does her relationship status say (or whatever it is called on there)?

She has it locked down private, no information visible.

[easygoingfemme]

You lie. I have evidence of you squeeing.

Shut up you do not.

Go for it!!!!!

Squeeee!!

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

We discussed briefly some things that we've seen posted on facebook, including some organizations that we both follow through facebook, and from that I found her on facebook - would it be completely inappropriate to send a friend request?

I think when someone discloses that they're on FB, they're demonstrating that they trust you with that knowledge and understand that it gives you the option of friending them.

I think it would be completely appropriate to send her a friend request.

My only hesitation would be, why is she dropping hints and not being more forthright? Maybe she's just a little shy, no harm in that. Or maybe she's kind of passive, which would not be so fun for you, I'm guessing.

Or maybe we're overthinking the whole thing. Friend her! I friend people I barely know, because we're in the same community or have some other thing in common. It's not such a big deal, to many.

[DMW]

First, i feel like an intruder in this femme/butch space...so, apologies for any offence.
I should be asleep. I almost got sucked into your post once and then i finally did peek in...I think i like your name...dance with me....anyhow.

I thought of a few points that stick out, in my mind and my experience, in regards to your post.

One...you should not have to femme it up or doll up for someone that is naturally attracted to you...in order to get their attention. If that person likes
you they will like you no matter what attire or garb you have on or what you
regularly look like. With this...you will be a natural and you will attract what is best for you and for them.

Two... after a break up of an 11 year relationship... It took me awhile to be involved with someone else or to be forward because i had not dated for what seemed like forever. So, who knows her/hys situation. I did ask a femme for her phone number. However, i took it really slow cause i had not dated for quite sometime. And if she had not asked me in for TEA...i never would have pushed for more unless given that opportunity. And even with that...i was slow to bite. This has to do with being old school and gentlemanly i guess. Also, because of my past long term relationship.
So, i guess, it is kind of odd for a dude sometimes. It is kind of like a respect thing. Hard to explain. Sometimes we wait for various reasons. Sometimes there has to be this "green light" thing from a woman.

Damn i am writing too much. I think the facebook friend deal is a good place to start. Play it by ear too. You may have to be the one to let her/hym know that you are interested and available. However, if she/hy is interested...they will ask...good luck

[Mike]

hand her a card with your phone number on it and a question on the back. How bout a coffee date? and then just walk away. I bet she calls for no other reason than to see what you meant

[easygoingfemme]

Coming back to this to say: Because I know you and I know you over-think (And I say that with big love!)
Just let it happen.
Don't over flirt, over do, over worry, over mastermind the situation.
Just get to know her/hym.
There's already a process in place for you two to see each other on a regular basis. Start there.
Breath, enjoy, take your time.

[LipstickLola]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I think when someone discloses that they're on FB, they're demonstrating that they trust you with that knowledge and understand that it gives you the option of friending them.

I think it would be completely appropriate to send her a friend request.

My only hesitation would be, why is she dropping hints and not being more forthright? Maybe she's just a little shy, no harm in that. Or maybe she's kind of passive, which would not be so fun for you, I'm guessing.

Or maybe we're overthinking the whole thing. Friend her! I friend people I barely know, because we're in the same community or have some other thing in common. It's not such a big deal, to many.

I completely agree!! and btw, am living vicariously through you!! , LOL
We are about the same age you and I, and I share many if not all of the same concerns you share here! Facebook seems to be "the way it's done" these days, least my kids tell me that.....

Good luck!! and I'm dying to know how this turns out....
Lola

[Bleu]

Dear Miss Dance-with-me,

Hi there! My name is Bleu. We've never spoken but I have just a couple thoughts regarding your predicament.

The first part of your very own signature tag states: "Live as if you were to die tomorrow."

Well this sentiment is exactly how I make decisions in my life. Were I on my death bed and I look back on my life, will I regret _______________.

Will you have any regrets if you don't buck up and find a way to speak to this person in a social capacity? If so, I say...carpe diem. You will have nothing but regret if you don't.

Now as far as the mechanics of actually asking ... well firstly grant yourself the space in front of her (figure it out, this is part of the fun of it) then just let yourself do what we as humans are naturally built to do-- socialize.

Trust yourself. You've still got what it takes to go get what you want and what you deserve. Live by no ones rules but those of your own personal code.

>>>insert squeeee here<<<

All the best,
~Bleu

[Rope]

Here's how this conversation should go and QUICK, life is too short:

"I find you attractive and would like to get to know you. Would you like to meet for drinks or coffee sometime?"

Rope--

[Dance-with-me]

Originally Posted by Rope

Here's how this conversation should go and QUICK, life is too short:

"I find you attractive and would like to get to know you. Would you like to meet for drinks or coffee sometime?"

Urp!! Where's the "smilie" for eyes bulging out then rolling back into my head as I let out a totally freaked-out screech and dive under the covers and pull the blankets over my head over the very thought of being this direct?

[Dance-with-me]

FTY, my main hesitation for not friending her on facebook is that her facebook page took some digging to find and figure out was her, and I'm concerned that at this point that might look a little stalkerish. We're exchanging some emails - mostly related to the volunteer work, but with some tiny tidbits of personal stuff tossed in - so I'm going to just let it go there for now.

The storm will give me a few other reasons for asking some slightly more personal question, as I know she lives further inland than I do.

And next week I'll be picking up some donations, and while I won't be able to drop them off until the next week since I'll be out of town, I'm going to try and ensure that she's going to be there when I drop them off, and try to make it at the end of the work day and on a day that I don't have anything else going on, just in case I get brave and ask her to dinner (very, VERY slight chance of my being that brave but might as well set the stage for it).

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

The storm will give me a few other reasons for asking some slightly more personal question, as I know she lives further inland than I do.

And next week I'll be picking up some donations, and while I won't be able to drop them off until the next week since I'll be out of town, I'm going to try and ensure that she's going to be there when I drop them off, and try to make it at the end of the work day and on a day that I don't have anything else going on, just in case I get brave and ask her to dinner (very, VERY slight chance of my being that brave but might as well set the stage for it).

Perfect. Go for it!

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Perfect. Go for it!

Oh, and I don't do the Facebook thing, but from what I gather if you had to seek her out, it might be kind of creepy to her (friend request).

[Dance-with-me]

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

The storm will give me a few other reasons for asking some slightly more personal question, as I know she lives further inland than I do.

DER! She lives further towards the BEACH than I do. I live further INLAND than she does.

[ruffryder]

Originally Posted by Rope

Here's how this conversation should go and QUICK, life is too short:

"I find you attractive and would like to get to know you. Would you like to meet for drinks or coffee sometime?"

Rope--

I agree with the above minus I find you attractive unless hmmm.. I guess for me I just don't jump out that fast. I guess if you want to add that, add it.

"Would you like to meet for drinks, coffee, lunch sometime?"

Like I said a few coffee dates did it for me and my girl then it was lunch and then dinner was it! lol

I also recall an ex of mine taking initiative and asking me to drinks. Nothing wrong and it's darn sexy when a femme leads.

[Rope]

Or you could just post about your angst and hear 50 peoples take on said attraction. However you want to word it, if you don't get this person alone for drinks, lunch, coffee, a walk down the street--you're not going to find out if they're single, interesting, crazy, date worthy, whatever.

So hiding under the covers,,,,have at it. Maybe a butch will fall through the ceiling of your bedroom but I'm guessing not.

Rope--

[Bleu]

Originally Posted by Rope

Or you could just post about your angst and hear 50 peoples take on said attraction. However you want to word it, if you don't get this person alone for drinks, lunch, coffee, a walk down the street--you're not going to find out if they're single, interesting, crazy, date worthy, whatever.

So hiding under the covers,,,,have at it. Maybe a butch will fall through the ceiling of your bedroom but I'm guessing not.

Rope--

Perfectly said!

[WolfyOne]

I'm reading a lot of good advice here
Some I feel may even be useful for me
FYI, some butches have a hard time asking a femme if they'd like to get to know one another better
So, sometimes a femme who wants to know a butch better, especially if they may think the butch is interested, should ask to get to know them.
Like me, I'm shy at first when I don't know you at all, but don't have a hard time speaking once I'm spoken to.

I have no idea if what I wrote makes sense, but in my mind it does.

Anyhow, if this butch is like me, they'd welcome those words....want to get to know you/me/us better and perhaps see where it goes from there.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by ruffryder

I agree with the above minus I find you attractive unless hmmm.. I guess for me I just don't jump out that fast. I guess if you want to add that, add it.

"Would you like to meet for drinks, coffee, lunch sometime?"

Yes, exactly this...especially if you're not sure if she's even a potential dating partner.

Here's the deal...even if she's absolutely straight, I've never heard of anyone objecting to "I've really enjoyed talking to you....would you like to go grab a coffee sometime?"

Once you're having that coffee you can have more conversation, and see if she's even dating potential for you, as well as a little more about her. If not, you may have set the stage for a friendship instead....and that's always a good thing too.