Gender Evolution - Your Coming of Age Stories

[Jett]

My story starts much the same way as many other butches.

I had a strong aversion to dresses, somewhere in my mid singles digits the was a red velvet dress my mother bought for Xmas's. My strongest memory regarding that (perhaps my only) is the moment I'd have to enter the celebration/s... standing outside the doorway of my room with that dress on feeling extremely sheepish like I'd just come out in a Hefty Cinch Sack garbage bag. The only dress I've worn since that was a skirt I wore to my grandpa's funeral when I was seventeen, he always said he'd like to see me in a skirt... well better late than never.

But for the most part I would wear tee shirts and jeans... although I was apparently able to talk my mom into one pair of "little man pants", slit back pocket type semi dress pants but she eventually managed to kidnap them back. And I remember well the first time I was able to wear a suit. I was at my grandparents home and I was able to get my hands on my grandpa's suit and put it on, and despite my grandparents making "O" mouths (which emitted a similar sound) I remember feeling very "right". After that I'd dress as a hobo for Halloween just for the suit. When I was 11-12 I wanted to dapper up so I wanted to go as a pimp... didn't fly with my parents... besides my brother didn't want to be Ho' to my Pimp so it wouldn't have made much sense anyway.

I spent most of my youth riding mini bikes, my first a Honda 50cc I cherished, subsequently upgrading as I grew. I begged for cowboy gun holster sets, slingshots, creepy crawlers, Tonka Trucks for xmas... and I got them. I had crushes on little girls about the same time I realized I was going to be expected to marry a man.

As a teen I was rebellious as hell, a bad girl, spent time in a girls group home, eventually drug rehabs in attempts to get me to fly straight. But I definitely can't say my parents were strict and actually had divorced by the time I was 12 so I was just living with my mom anyway and that equated to living on my own even when I was there. At this point I had begun to de-evolve I guess you'd call it... began to try to assimilate into expected gender roles as far as hair and clothing... leather and lace... and dating males though I still had flings with females at the same time I was bringing the guys home to appease the rumblings of the deity, the Great Mom.

When late teens arrived it all started to change... I had come out at 17 and at 19 cut my hair into a neat crew cut and started dressing more masculine again, and I started to calm down a bit though I'm still known today for a wild streak. I started actively seeking out the lesbian community and found it, for the most part they were supportive though I had gotten the "butch is out" statements which stung but I ignored because I was just finally trying to align my outside with what I'd always felt inside and find some equilibrium of body and mind... shit I'd never really even seen or heard of any other butches at this point. I grew up in an upper class Midwest conservative as hell city where the big ha ha was to greet someone with "So where do you work, the Mayo Clinic or IBM". So most people conformed like Stepford wives, even the lesbians for the most part.

Which brings me to the first time I saw another butch, I was like maybe 22 and at a queer event, her name was KT. I knew immediately we were kin and sat and drank brew and talked all night. I did eventually meet a couple other butches in my mid and later 20's (aside from the one graying B-F couple who always sat alone safely away from flailing arms of the lesbians doing the Macarena). One butch I'd seen across the room a few times and finally introduced herself by coming up to me at a queer function and handing me a book "Stone Butch Blues" before saying "Hey, I'm Sandy". Again we we're kin, and through the years she was always looking out for me, not that I needed it but she always made it feel like she was... it was like what big brothers/sisters just do.

And life goes on this way, I had many relationships with women, but inside I was still on the outside looking in on a main community and culture to which I felt a foreigner. But when the world went online so did the queer scene and I quickly took advantage of a major queer chat site. They had Butch Femme rooms and I made some friends... some who I ran back into years ago on B-F forums and who are on this site today. I met my lady in those B-F chat rooms so though I say gak.com I'm so big woot to those days of chat.

Anyway in this I started to learn more about other butch masculine "identities" (further than what I had sitting around by myself in the "what/which am I's"). I was able to take what applied to myself and leave the stuff I just wasn't feeling. It gave me a feeling of community and culture I hadn't gotten from growing up in a world where I was an anomaly and the closest thing to me (wasn't even close) was a standard issue andro (gender neutral) lesbian brandishing fanny pack, cargo shorts, golf visor planning the next big potluck night (don't get me wrong I like potlucks... and lesbians *s*). But in this new queer online world I was appreciated for who I was not feeling depreciated.

My evolution at that point was already pretty complete but it allowed me to hone my language in a fashion that better able me to describe who I am... even if mainly or myself. I also had to slowly evolve within this culture, not as adaptation but rather a continuation of what I'd already been doing my entire life. Just like previous evolution there's been stumbling blocks along the way to understanding my butch identity. I found myself first trying on what seem to be the most fitting shoes, and avoiding diligently even looking at that odd pair out that eventually became mine... and after accepting comes growing comfortable enough to wear them publicly. Not everybody's going to like them, and they're definitely not the most popular ones in the store... but I never was one about fitting in.

I do still feel even in B-F I'm a bit on the outside looking as one who can't ID as either or, woman or man... and what's hard for people to accept or understand in terms of binary gender can be just as hard to accept understand in yourself and that it's easy to try to reject in a moment when internal phobias creep in and you want seek safer haven. But at the end of the day, you can only dance in shoes that fit you no matter the song or venue.

So after recent internal pot banging wake up call, I've gained internal acceptance of who I am, something I'd acknowledged before but I'd let myself smother for a bit... now I just need to learn to feel more "fabulous" in those shoes.

I am an Androgyne (overly gender-full not gender neutral, big difference) Stone Butch, I strongly embody both male and female.

For all intents and purposes the words as an ID to wear as some subcultural badge mean very little to me, I just am... they're not important except very in having a hold to grasp after years of rocking about on a boat where everyone else seems to have a reserved seat... to explain to those who know me enough to and genuinely want to know more about me and maybe just a way to say with words... hey... I am, like it or not I and won't hide it.

Well that and it doesn't hurt my feelings that coincidentally my being visible in it is like a fork in the eye to the binary system.

Metropolis

[daisyfm]

i played dolls with girls mostly. i always played with the girl doll and handed the "boy" dolls to my friends. my friends seemed to be carefully chosen, either athletes or tomboys. go figure. the games were always about the dolls being married to each other. go figure. looking back i am sure i freaked out some of my lovely friends in those early years.

[WolfyOne]

Funny I should see this thread after coming from chat. I was telling someone in there that I was once asked me years ago to write about what it was like coming out in the 70's. I just looked through some old poetry pads and found the story I did, but never finished. Perhaps tomorrow I'll share what I wrote because I may never get around to finishing it.

Thanks for the thread Medusa, I'll be back to read and hopefully add something.

[Write14u]

I've discovered that it's amazing sometimes how much internalized homophobia we grow up with. As a kid in the 70s and 80s, there were no really positive queer role models (with apologies to Liberace and Elton John, everyone I knew just thought you were fruits).
The portrayal of dykes certainly made me not wanna grow up and be one.

That said ...
I distinctly remember being 9 or 10 and wishing I were a boy. I had such the crush on my sister's best friend (who is STILL amazing looking). In my 10-year-old mind, being a boy was how I got her.
I was such a huge tomboy and baby dyke growing up that I'm still amazed how I veered so far away from who I was. I'll attribute that to my very strict,, religious upbringing. Homosexuality was (and still is, in their minds) wrong. I heard it every other Sunday from the pulpit.
So tomboy that I was, I conformed to society's notions of a girl. Boy, was that horribly wrong in some ways (and I have the pictures to prove it. LMAO).

Fast forward to age 27. I was having major doubts about my sexuality. And then my best friend kissed me. Doubts over. *grin* My god, I felt more in that one kiss than I had ever felt with a guy at any time. I felt it to my toes. She used to make my freaking hands sweat. (and laugh at my ass because I was always wiping my hands on my jeans around her).

I always knew I was butch. But back to that internalized homophobia. There was a stereotype that went with stone butch back then and I didn't want to look that way or be recognized that way. My how times have changed. *grin* These days, I look like what always scared me. But I've come into who I really am and I love every second of it.

My family still isn't so accepting and god knows they hate my faux-hawked, short hair, men's clothes and attitude (and also that I'm a Democrat. LOL). But it doesn't bother me. I'm who I am and I'm loving just taking the freedom to be who I am -- inside and out. I've spent the past 13 years figuring it out and becoming comfortable in my skin. I'm no longer 10 thinking being a boy is the only way to get the girl, you know? Unlike some of my queer friends, I never felt like I was in the wrong body. I just knew I wanted the girl. *smile*

I'm a week shy of my 40th birthday and it's been a long road to get to where I am now. Long, but not as troubled a path as many tread and for that, I'm grateful. I've seen the struggles of others and I'm appreciative of what they've gone through and grateful for my road. With this comfort in myself comes great excitement for what's down the road from here, you know?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Write14u

I've discovered that it's amazing sometimes how much internalized homophobia we grow up with. As a kid in the 70s and 80s, there were no really positive queer role models (with apologies to Liberace and Elton John, everyone I knew just thought you were fruits).
The portrayal of dykes certainly made me not wanna grow up and be one.

That said ...
I distinctly remember being 9 or 10 and wishing I were a boy. I had such the crush on my sister's best friend (who is STILL amazing looking). In my 10-year-old mind, being a boy was how I got her.
I was such a huge tomboy and baby dyke growing up that I'm still amazed how I veered so far away from who I was. I'll attribute that to my very strict,, religious upbringing. Homosexuality was (and still is, in their minds) wrong. I heard it every other Sunday from the pulpit.
So tomboy that I was, I conformed to society's notions of a girl. Boy, was that horribly wrong in some ways (and I have the pictures to prove it. LMAO).

Fast forward to age 27. I was having major doubts about my sexuality. And then my best friend kissed me. Doubts over. *grin* My god, I felt more in that one kiss than I had ever felt with a guy at any time. I felt it to my toes. She used to make my freaking hands sweat. (and laugh at my ass because I was always wiping my hands on my jeans around her).

I always knew I was butch. But back to that internalized homophobia. There was a stereotype that went with stone butch back then and I didn't want to look that way or be recognized that way. My how times have changed. *grin* These days, I look like what always scared me. But I've come into who I really am and I love every second of it.

My family still isn't so accepting and god knows they hate my faux-hawked, short hair, men's clothes and attitude (and also that I'm a Democrat. LOL). But it doesn't bother me. I'm who I am and I'm loving just taking the freedom to be who I am -- inside and out. I've spent the past 13 years figuring it out and becoming comfortable in my skin. I'm no longer 10 thinking being a boy is the only way to get the girl, you know? Unlike some of my queer friends, I never felt like I was in the wrong body. I just knew I wanted the girl. *smile*

I'm a week shy of my 40th birthday and it's been a long road to get to where I am now. Long, but not as troubled a path as many tread and for that, I'm grateful. I've seen the struggles of others and I'm appreciative of what they've gone through and grateful for my road. With this comfort in myself comes great excitement for what's down the road from here, you know?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I loved reading your story! Good for you for getting to a place where you feel comfortable--thank you for sharing!

So, are you out to your parents/family, and how did they respond being from such a religious/conservative family?

You said they "weren't so accepting", but I couldn't figure out if it was about the hair/dress or you being queer--and actually KNOWING that you are!

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I loved reading your story! Good for you for getting to a place where you feel comfortable--thank you for sharing!

So, are you out to your parents/family, and how did they respond being from such a religious/conservative family?

You said they "weren't so accepting", but I couldn't figure out if it was about the hair/dress or you being queer--and actually KNOWING that you are!

Thank you. *smile*

Well, on the "out to my family thing" ... we have a military relationship, my family and I. They don't ask and I don't tell. They know I'm queer. They don't like it. But I keep my life separate from them. (Mainly because I'm single, so there's nobody right there in my life for them to see.)
I think with them, they don't WANT to ask. When I was first coming out, I denied being queer. I think they know now that I wouldn't do that. And I wouldn't.

They're still not accepting of queerness in general, but the love me, you know? The reason they don't like the hair and how I dress is because it clearly identifies me as queer for all their friends to see. That's what they hate about that. I guess it was better when I was more closeted. (I just moved closer to them two years ago after living away for a long time).

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Write14u

Thank you. *smile*

Well, on the "out to my family thing" ... we have a military relationship, my family and I. They don't ask and I don't tell. They know I'm queer. They don't like it. But I keep my life separate from them. (Mainly because I'm single, so there's nobody right there in my life for them to see.)
I think with them, they don't WANT to ask. When I was first coming out, I denied being queer. I think they know now that I wouldn't do that. And I wouldn't.

They're still not accepting of queerness in general, but the love me, you know? The reason they don't like the hair and how I dress is because it clearly identifies me as queer for all their friends to see. That's what they hate about that. I guess it was better when I was more closeted. (I just moved closer to them two years ago after living away for a long time).

Thanks for your response. So, you haven't actually confirmed the fact that you are gay/queer to your family?

I ask b/c with my mother--I had to SPELL IT OUT FOR HER (she's hardcore RC). She didn't get it when I said Mich sleeps with me; she thought I meant sleepovers. I said, no, we are lovers. So, I had to COME OUT that way. (ten years ago, approx)

So, you haven't actually said the words? It was so hard for me; I thought she knew based on my closeness with Mich, but she SWEARS she thought it was all gf/gf (platonic friendship) stuff!

How do they know if you don't tell? B/c, lord knows, I had to TELL in order for her to GET IT!

I actually had to say, no, I am with her--she is my girlfriend--we sleep together--we are TOGETHER.

Well, then, that is another story!

P.S. On another note, is being queer and out only contingent on if you are with someone (for me it was--b/c I had only been in straight relationships with cisguys) ?

[Soft*Silver]

I will do more in this thread tomorrow perhaps, but I just wanted to interject that not all femmes played with babydolls as little girls. Or at least, not in the traditional way....

case in point...

I buried my baby dolls. In my mother's garden.

I am sure Freud would have a field day with that tid bit....

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

Thanks for your response. So, you haven't actually confirmed the fact that you are gay/queer to your family?

I ask b/c with my mother--I had to SPELL IT OUT FOR HER (she's hardcore RC). She didn't get it when I said Mich sleeps with me; she thought I meant sleepovers. I said, no, we are lovers. So, I had to COME OUT that way. (ten years ago, approx)

So, you haven't actually said the words? It was so hard for me; I thought she knew based on my closeness with Mich, but she SWEARS she thought it was all gf/gf (platonic friendship) stuff!

How do they know if you don't tell? B/c, lord knows, I had to TELL in order for her to GET IT!)

I actually had to say, no, I am with her--she is my girlfriend--we sleep together--we are TOGETHER.

Well, then, that is another story!

P.S. On another note, is being queer and out only contingent on if you are with someone (for me it was--b/c I had only been in straight relationships with cisguys) ?

Well, my mom said to me one time that I'd have more money if I didn't spend it on women. I'm PRETTY sure how she meant it. Yes, without asking, she knows, although I don't think that was the case when I first came out. My partner for six years was very beloved in my family, and I think they actually took it at face value that we were just friends and roommates. However, my mom did NOT like my second girlfriend. Her exact words to me were: "I don't like her. I don't like how she looks at you." (My then-gf looked at me like I was lunch. lol) Yeah, my mom gets it without me saying a word.

My dad? Not so sure. Not anything he'd ever say anyway. He's not that way.
My oldest sister? There's no way in hell she can read my FB every day, watch the different female friends of mine flirt with me, my responses, and not know. But she then ostriches it.
My youngest sister? She totally ostriches it.
They confronted me with it once...just a month or so after I came out. It totally freaked me out and I said no. I don't think they're ever going to ask me again. They know the truth.

No, I'm queer and out. And I think I look very queer. LOL In fact, I think I queer femmes when I'm with them. I look so damn dykey that people assume they are, as well. (Probably goes for my straight girlfriends, as well).
I just meant that being single, I'm not bringing anyone home for dinner, etc. So it makes it easy for them. They get to pretend for a while, you know?

[Soon]

Originally Posted by Write14u

Well, my mom said to me one time that I'd have more money if I didn't spend it on women. I'm PRETTY sure how she meant it. Yes, without asking, she knows, although I don't think that was the case when I first came out. My partner for six years was very beloved in my family, and I think they actually took it at face value that we were just friends and roommates. However, my mom did NOT like my second girlfriend. Her exact words to me were: "I don't like her. I don't like how she looks at you." (My then-gf looked at me like I was lunch. lol) Yeah, my mom gets it without me saying a word.

My dad? Not so sure. Not anything he'd ever say anyway. He's not that way.
My oldest sister? There's no way in hell she can read my FB every day, watch the different female friends of mine flirt with me, my responses, and not know. But she then ostriches it.
My youngest sister? She totally ostriches it.
They confronted me with it once...just a month or so after I came out. It totally freaked me out and I said no. I don't think they're ever going to ask me again. They know the truth.

No, I'm queer and out. And I think I look very queer. LOL In fact, I think I queer femmes when I'm with them. I look so damn dykey that people assume they are, as well. (Probably goes for my straight girlfriends, as well).
I just meant that being single, I'm not bringing anyone home for dinner, etc. So it makes it easy for them. They get to pretend for a while, you know?

In regards to your last question, no, I don't know about having them pretend (at least for too long) b/c I didn't have that experience of NOT telling b/c I was single--I have had relationships...and, sooner rather than later, I HAD to come out...(the first time, I thought she--my mother--knew).

The parts I underlined I am confused about. You say you came out...but I don't see it. You say "they know the truth" but I don't see where you actually told your family you were gay.

Is being OUT just letting our familes seeing us dress and act in a certain way and bringing our partners over to dinner (for years) w/o actually SAYING we are a couple? Personally, I don't think so. I could have brought my first two gfs over for years and years and my parents would have thought we were just *close* girlfriends.

I think to BE OUT to your family (at the least?) you have to say something like she is my gf or partner--we are a couple?

I don't think having others making assumptions about our appearance is verification of sexual or gender identity--there are many many people who would turn the notion of what a heterosexual or cisgendered person looks like on its head.

Looking queer doesn't mean being OUT is what I guess I am saying...esp. b/c I don't have ummm...any stereotypical *markers* (including past history) where my family may have known I was queer, I HAD to say the words.

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

In regards to your last question, no, I don't know about having them pretend (at least for too long) b/c I didn't have that experience of NOT telling b/c I was single--I have had relationships...and, sooner rather than later, I HAD to come out...(the first time, I thought she--my mother--knew).

The parts I underlined I am confused about. You say you came out...but I don't see it. You say "they know the truth" but I don't see where you actually told your family you were gay.

Is being OUT just letting our familes seeing us dress and act in a certain way and bringing our partners over to dinner (for years) w/o actually SAYING we are a couple? Personally, I don't think so. I could have brought my first two gfs over for years and years and my parents would have thought we were just *close* girlfriends.

I think to BE OUT to your family (at the least?) you have to say something like she is my gf or partner--we are a couple?

I don't think having others making assumptions about our appearance is verification of sexual or gender identity--there are many many people who would turn the notion of what a heterosexual person looks like on its head.

Looking queer doesn't mean being OUT is what I guess I am saying...esp. b/c I don't have ummm...any stereotypical *markers* (including past history) where my family may have known I was queer, I HAD to say the words.

Sorry, didn't mean to be confusing.
I have never actually said to my family, "Hey, I'm queer, get over it."
My family, however, is aware of it.
No, I don't think being out is about what I wear, etc. I used to keep my orientation quiet...with my first partner and all. Since then, I haven't been in a long-term relationship that required bringing it up to my family.
That's kind of what I mean about them being in pretend mode right now. And what I meant about them not wanting to ask me now. If I have a partner in my life at any time, I will proudly call them my partner and take them around my family.

[Gemme]

My family's the same way as Write's is. Very much DADT and very reserved. I know my dad knows. He picked up the phone one night when I was talking with my gf at the time. Oh, he knows. But he will NOT speak of it. It's not his way. Part of it is him being a Southern Baptist and part of it is just him. He's very limited in how he shows his emotions, if he ever does.

[Write14u]

Originally Posted by Gemme

My family's the same way as Write's is. Very much DADT and very reserved. I know my dad knows. He picked up the phone one night when I was talking with my gf at the time. Oh, he knows. But he will NOT speak of it. It's not his way. Part of it is him being a Southern Baptist and part of it is just him. He's very limited in how he shows his emotions, if he ever does.

Yes, what she said. *grin*

[Scorp]

Bumpin' this thread, especially with how the "Planet" is growing with peeps!