Abuse in butch-femme relationships - Page 2

Lady_Di · 03-30-2012, 11:24 AM

First of all kudos for you for sharing, that was very brave of you. And that is the beginning of your healing journey. ((((((dancer)))))

Love never dies, but it can be toxic nonetheless. Sometimes it may not work out. You owe it to yourself and your family, past present and future family to take care of yourself. For a change of pace...

There are many kinds of abuse in this big ole world. Live and learn, get the help, there is a lot out there. Access those resources which abound in pretty much every community, unless you are in Timbuktwo, though they probably have em too.

Great suggestions here. All I can say is nothing is ever black and white. The oddest thing about abusers is they can come off to the outside world as the most polite and gracious people on earth, they can seem to be very loving people. I am speaking from the experiences of those I have met that have been incarcerated for their brutal crimes. As a nurse we get to interact with these folks and it is unnerving that they are often times the easiest of our patient load. Down right respectful to us for the most part. Though again, it is not black and white.

I have rarely seen an abuser change it's spots. But I do think people can change, including you. And ultimately that is who you are responsible to and for. Change must happen. In fact if you are not changing, growing... you are stagnating and that is akin to death.

Live. It is a choice as to how you want to do that, who you want to have in your life, what sort of home, career, family you will have. What vocations, passions you will persue and keeping those around you who support you in whatever your endeavors may be.

Be strong and know you can get thru this. You have a ton of support here and in your real life community, I am quite certain of that.

Lean on us, continue to vent, problem solve, and continue this amazing journey of self discovery. Remember that sometimes from our pain, comes our finest triumphs, our biggest lessons.

Take Care,
Di

JAGG · 03-30-2012, 12:07 PM

Oh boy ! I won't sugar coat anything so here is my 2 cents worth. You said you couldn't believe this happened to you in the begining of your post, yet by the end you are entertaining the idea of maybe getting back with her. REALLY? She showed you who she is, why didn't you believe her the first time. You are what you do , plain and simple.
She has low self-esteem, she is insecure, abusive, clearly has a drinking problen that you don't seem to recognize, and she is unpredictable. Now what about that is so attractive to you ?
You need to tell her , not only NO BUT FUCK NO.
Why are you wasting your time giving this a moments thought. She has no respect for you and already bulldozed over many boundries. There are hundreds of awesome butches out there. Don't you deserve better?
Of course she wants you back, you already showed her you'll put up with her abuse. She is a needy coward, slam dunk her and choose better this time.

TimilDeeps · 03-30-2012, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JAGG

Oh boy ! I won't sugar coat anything so here is my 2 cents worth. You said you couldn't believe this happened to you in the begining of your post, yet by the end you are entertaining the idea of maybe getting back with her. REALLY? She showed you who she is, why didn't you believe her the first time. You are what you do , plain and simple.
She has low self-esteem, she is insecure, abusive, clearly has a drinking problen that you don't seem to recognize, and she is unpredictable. Now what about that is so attractive to you ?
You need to tell her , not only NO BUT FUCK NO.
Why are you wasting your time giving this a moments thought. She has no respect for you and already bulldozed over many boundries. There are hundreds of awesome butches out there. Don't you deserve better?
Of course she wants you back, you already showed her you'll put up with her abuse. She is a needy coward, slam dunk her and choose better this time.

I don't think I could have said it any better.

Go, go now.

Dude · 03-30-2012, 12:29 PM

http://www.cchers.org/cap/about.html

please read link above
I chose this page because it shows what healthy relationships are like in comparison.

any form of abuse is a cycle
Control ,manipulation, threats, isolation can be just as painful as finding
yourself in a punching bag situation.

At 26, I met my dream woman. Beautiful ,perfect body,hot in the sack and dripping with charisma. There was not much I would not do for her.
I played chicken with a car ( she was threatening suicide), took a super heavy ,glass ashtray to the head, nearly got clocked and burnt with a frying pan full of hot grease, dodged a hot iron flying through the air, etc,etc.

The honeymoon (I'm so sorry, I will do whatever you want,I'll do treatment and therapy followed by romance for days and mindblowing sex) all kept me hooked, for nearly nine months.
She could charm the pants off of any butch ( for a minute) and last I heard all these years later is that she is still doing the exact same thing.

My self esteem was in the fucking gutter because I could not fix her.
I was too young to get that ,it was not my job.
Nothing I did was good enough and I never knew what I was coming home to.
My life was isolated because it was humuliating and no one would understand.
My escape route was my dog who spent more and more time cowering in the basement versus getting love from me/us/her (The crazy couple.)
I loved my dog and hated to see what it was doing to her.Later, I focused
on what it did to me.

When you question your own sanity, feel smothered, are manipulated by
suicide threats, embaressed by public scenes and never know what your
coming home to, you are in an emotionally, abusive relationship.
When your opinion or well being does not matter and is never up for consideration or a priority to that person, why are you still there?
When someone tries to burden the bulk of the realtionship on you to fix
and you are not allowed time for any self care, friends or pleasure time (of your choosing) accept it for what it is and get the hell out. That aint love.

Breathless · 03-30-2012, 01:57 PM

I am struggling with responding to your thread. When I read all that you wrote, my heart really went out to you, because I could hear my own bargaining, and excuses, when I too said those things to myself.

When I came out, many years ago, I met this woman. I fell head over heals in love with her, she too was my first. We spent crazy amounts of time together, I thought wow, how could I have been so lucky. She lived in California, and I in western Canada. She didnt look down on me for having children, which I assumed who the heck would want to be with a single mom of two young ones. After being together for about 6 months things started to change. She would anger so easily, and I would find myself trying to calm her down, and reassure her. She would accuse me of sleeping around, of having more than just a friendship with my ex husband, of fooling around at work with co workers in a sexual way, and the list goes on. She apologized over and over again, saying that it was the distance that was making her insecure. So she moved in with me, I sponsored her to move to Canada. It only got worse. I thought i was deserving of this, that in some way I made her feel this way and act this way, and if i would just shut my mouth and stop coaxing her that she wouldnt feel she had to get angry with me so much.
New Years eve 2001, I was working a double shift, 3-11 and then back in the morning for 7-3. When I came home, she was sitting at the computer, I could see that she was in a foul mood, and i just needed to try to get some sleep before going back to work in the am. I put on my pjs and climbed into bed. Few minutes later she walked in the room, and turned on the lights.. she had my son's meds in her hand, and commented that i shouldnt leave things like this laying around and proceeded to take the pills. I was angry, and i got out of bed and tried to take them from her. The next thing I knew I was pinned to the floor, she had fist fulls of my hair in her hands, she was telling me that I was worthless, that I was lucky that anyone loved me, and many many more horrible things. I couldnt get away from her, I was begging her to let me go. She was saying things like she and my ex husband had a talk.. and the truth was out, that I was a shitty wife, and that I was fat, ugly and a waste of skin. I told her with tears running down my face, that I couldnt live like this anymore, please just let me go, her words.. by morning you wont have to worry about that, wonder what your kids will think coming home to mom's blood all over these walls. I snapped. I started agreeing with her, telling her that she was right, she had always been right. She finally let go of my hair. We were then sitting on the floor, and she was still telling me how messed up i was, and that i was lucky to have her in my life.. I continued to agree with her, i went to stand up and she grabbed me by my hair again and back to the floor. I asked her if she was thirsty? She let go of my hair and stood and walked ahead of me, i turned and ran for the door, out to my car bare foot in the snow. She was right behind me.. Tried to start it, I was shaking so hard I had no coordination, got out of the drive way, and she was right behind me, she hit me twice with her car, trying to run me off the road, I just kept going, I pulled up to a friends house, jumped out of my still moving car and ran up the step and banged on the door. I was unrecognizable, they called the police.

The police laid attempted murder charges on her. She made a deal with the government, and was deported rather than have to face charges.

I cut all my hair off cause i couldn't even stand the feeling of brushing it.

Dancer, you are worth it! I can tell you for fact, that there are some really amazing butches out there who would rather rip their own hearts from their chest than ever lay a hand on you in anger. You teach people how to treat you, and the very moment that she got away with anything it made it the norm. It will happen again, trust me, it will if you let her back in your life. It took many years of councilling and therapy for me to deal with what she had done to me.

I googled my ex, out of morbid curiosity, she has since been charged and convicted of doing the same thing to someone else. Thankfully the State of California was not as lax as the Canadian government was.

Love yourself!

Apocalipstic · 03-30-2012, 03:39 PM

I agree with Theo.

Hitting another person is wrong!

There is some wonderful advice here. Some of it I needed.

Scorp · 03-30-2012, 04:30 PM

NEVER, EVER raise your hands to anyone else, UNLESS, you're defending yourself in an altercation.

Anyone who hits out of "possession of property", and anything else of that nature, other than a defense mechanism is a fucking COWARD....

THE END...

Inked_Trinity · 03-30-2012, 04:45 PM

Being retired law enforcement, I have seen the cycle, the pain and the damage. They never mean it, and of course they'll change.....BULLSHIT! Don't just walk away from this, RUN! Jagg said it best for me.

Dominique · 03-30-2012, 05:02 PM

I've never been in an abusive relationship. One (my first Butch) was sometimes cranky and too controlling, but she NEVER hit me.

I dated someone for awhile who made me crazy. Did you ever have crazy love? Seriously, did you? Well, this one was my crazy love. One night she made me so mad....I tore the coke-a-cola BEARS boxers right off of her, then kicked her in the ass.

I was glad a few minutes later that I was bare footed when I swift kicked her.

To add insult to injury. I found out later, they were my boxers. I swear that butch made me nuts. Glad I wised up and got away from her. Because it was crazy love, it was hard to break it off.

Yes, therapy is imperative.

dancer611 · 03-30-2012, 05:29 PM

Possession of property??!

CherylNYC · 03-30-2012, 05:29 PM

Your ex will only keep hitting you. Don't go back to her. Ever. Not only should you not go back to your ex, you shouldn't get into a relationship with ANYONE right now. You say you hit your ex. Get therapy and don't even think about starting with a new girlfriend until you learn some good relationship models.

Uli · 03-30-2012, 05:40 PM

Please contact your local domestic violence shelter for support. When/if she figures out/feels like she can't get you back with sweetness and promises, you will very likely be in danger again.

This website will let you search for the shelter in your area: http://www.womenshelters.org/

All domestic violence shelters also offer non-residential services, such as support groups, individual counseling, and legal advocates.

Dude · 03-30-2012, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancer611

Possession of property??!

I believe , what that poster meant by that was

*"the love you to death" & "if I cant have you, no one else will" people
*controlling ,possessive folks who now own you( or feel like they do)

tazz · 03-30-2012, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JAGG

Oh boy ! I won't sugar coat anything so here is my 2 cents worth. You said you couldn't believe this happened to you in the begining of your post, yet by the end you are entertaining the idea of maybe getting back with her. REALLY? She showed you who she is, why didn't you believe her the first time. You are what you do , plain and simple.
She has low self-esteem, she is insecure, abusive, clearly has a drinking problen that you don't seem to recognize, and she is unpredictable. Now what about that is so attractive to you ?
You need to tell her , not only NO BUT FUCK NO.
Why are you wasting your time giving this a moments thought. She has no respect for you and already bulldozed over many boundries. There are hundreds of awesome butches out there. Don't you deserve better?
Of course she wants you back, you already showed her you'll put up with her abuse. She is a needy coward, slam dunk her and choose better this time.

***amen, JAGG. amen...

get out NOW. RUN and Do Not Look Back.

Scorp · 03-30-2012, 07:27 PM

Dancer, are you quoting what I posted earlier? If so, please elaborate...

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancer611

Possession of property??!

Dude · 03-30-2012, 07:49 PM

I read the opening post a few hours before I posted.
Somehow, ( I think brainwashing by society and who normally hits who sterio type bs)
I did not remember the part of you hitting her at all.
This would have definately changed my post, had I retained the whole story.

In my experience ,I was in such shock it was happening to me I was unable to
do much other than protect my head from getting pummeled or dodge flying objects.
The shame of getting physically battered by a femme was huge for me.
I found out later commiserating with one of her ex's that she equated violence with love and wanted it in return. She hit her back and they were magically abusive together for five years. The incidents became more life threatening like jumping out on the freeway,
wielding weapons on each other,etc.

I did get therapy over this event and a few other (not so choice) times in my life.

So yes, get therapy. Your self esteem will grow, you wont be insecure if you learn to value and love yourself. You wont believe the bs that you are less than , if not in a relationship. You wont want to be violent yourself if you learn to deal with your own anger.

Do not stop to hit someone who you are trying to get away from. hellooooo

People really do die sometimes. Sometimes because they stay, sometimes when they leave and sometimes on the inside from being beat down for way too long.
Dont fuck around with your life. The truth is never gentle in abusive situations.

Tcountry · 03-30-2012, 08:11 PM

I'll confess I didn't read everything everyone said....
but.....run.... get away & stay away
a lot of times it is not IF it will happen again but WHEN... even if they are in counseling.
& even if it didn't happen again....YOU would be waiting for it too... that doesn't breed a healthy relationship....

Go get counseling for U....& don't look back

*tip hat*

dancer611 · 03-30-2012, 08:13 PM

Whoa, whoa. I didn't "batter" her, and I don't own any weapons whatsoever, nor would I threaten anyone with one...not sure if you're implying that I did, but...one of the reasons this has been hard is that, while I did slap her the one time, and felt/feel extreme guilt for it, it was when she was drunk, I was already terrified, she had pulled a knife on me and choked me previusly, and someone twice my size was bearing down on me, screaming in my face, and refusing to leave my apartment when I was begging them to out of fear. So, the question for me has been where the line is drawn. People/domestic violence websites will say the size, gender ID, etc., doesn't factor in, and on an emotional/moral level I agree, but physically it is simply untrue. She held me down and barely let me breathe for 15 minutes. She put all of her weight on me and almost crushed me. I could never do that to her, no matter how angry I was; and no matter how angry I was, or what she did to me, I COULD NOT defend myself. Slapping her did not hurt her. She did not even flinch. When she was chasing me down the street, I really had nowhere to go. She had taken my phone, we had been in her car, and she had pulled over where no one could see us and there were no houses. She was bearing down on me, using her size to intimidate me, and SHE HAD JUST PULLED A KNIFE ON ME AND THREATENED TO MURDER ME. So I tried to fight back by hitting her, but still she grabbed me, and threw me down by my hair, then got in my face, pinned me down and continued to scream while I cried. So. I'm not saying that I made the correct decisions, or that everything I did was right. It clearly wasn't. But I was emotionally beholden to her at this point, and felt physically helpless. Even if I had TRIED, this could not have been "mutual abuse." She choked me on several occasions, poured a drink in my face once and pinned me down or threw me down several times, as well as brandishing the weapon. I slapped her once when I was already scared and trapped in an apartment (she, once again, took my phone so I couldn't call the police). So, even though I feel guilt, because violence is not the answer, a lot of these posts have focused on my one slap...and I feel that I have to be fair to myself, that this was a pattern for her (in past relationships as well), and not for me. She tried to make me feel that, because I attempted (always failing) to defend myself, I was "abusing" her too. And that's just not what happened.

Random · 03-30-2012, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dancer611

Whoa, whoa. I didn't "batter" her, and I don't own any weapons whatsoever, nor would I threaten anyone with one...not sure if you're implying that I did, but...one of the reasons this has been hard is that, while I did slap her the one time, and felt/feel extreme guilt for it, it was when she was drunk, I was already terrified, she had pulled a knife on me and choked me previusly, and someone twice my size was bearing down on me, screaming in my face, and refusing to leave my apartment when I was begging them to out of fear. So, the question for me has been where the line is drawn. People/domestic violence websites will say the size, gender ID, etc., doesn't factor in, and on an emotional/moral level I agree, but physically it is simply untrue. She held me down and barely let me breathe for 15 minutes. She put all of her weight on me and almost crushed me. I could never do that to her, no matter how angry I was; and no matter how angry I was, or what she did to me, I COULD NOT defend myself. Slapping her did not hurt her. She did not even flinch. When she was chasing me down the street, I really had nowhere to go. She had taken my phone, we had been in her car, and she had pulled over where no one could see us and there were no houses. She was bearing down on me, using her size to intimidate me, and SHE HAD JUST PULLED A KNIFE ON ME AND THREATENED TO MURDER ME. So I tried to fight back by hitting her, but still she grabbed me, and threw me down by my hair, then got in my face, pinned me down and continued to scream while I cried. So. I'm not saying that I made the correct decisions, or that everything I did was right. It clearly wasn't. But I was emotionally beholden to her at this point, and felt physically helpless. Even if I had TRIED, this could not have been "mutual abuse." She choked me on several occasions, poured a drink in my face once and pinned me down or threw me down several times, as well as brandishing the weapon. I slapped her once when I was already scared and trapped in an apartment (she, once again, took my phone so I couldn't call the police). So, even though I feel guilt, because violence is not the answer, a lot of these posts have focused on my one slap...and I feel that I have to be fair to myself, that this was a pattern for her (in past relationships as well), and not for me. She tried to make me feel that, because I attempted (always failing) to defend myself, I was "abusing" her too. And that's just not what happened.

And you are wondering if you should give her another chance?

I think you just answered your own question...

and IMO anytime one partner hits another partner it is abuse... (Unless that's the way your dynamic is set up)

dancer611 · 03-30-2012, 08:19 PM

So you do not allow for self defense? I was supposed to allow her to drunkenly attack me??!

I didn't mean that to sound rude, at all. It's just that people keep saying I should have done something different, and I'm not sure what that was. I was screaming and crying, but no one came; I had no phone to call anyone; and I could not just "walk away" because she was trapping and following me, and/or pinning me down or putting her hand over my mouth. So what on earth else was I supposed to do, if I'm not allowed to ever lay a hand on anyone?

03-30-2012, 12:07 PM	#22
JAGG Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: JAGG Relationship Status: =) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tulsa (cat free zone) Posts: 6,093 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,651 Thanked 17,543 Times in 4,141 Posts Rep Power: 21474857	Oh boy ! I won't sugar coat anything so here is my 2 cents worth. You said you couldn't believe this happened to you in the begining of your post, yet by the end you are entertaining the idea of maybe getting back with her. REALLY? She showed you who she is, why didn't you believe her the first time. You are what you do , plain and simple. She has low self-esteem, she is insecure, abusive, clearly has a drinking problen that you don't seem to recognize, and she is unpredictable. Now what about that is so attractive to you ? You need to tell her , not only NO BUT FUCK NO. Why are you wasting your time giving this a moments thought. She has no respect for you and already bulldozed over many boundries. There are hundreds of awesome butches out there. Don't you deserve better? Of course she wants you back, you already showed her you'll put up with her abuse. She is a needy coward, slam dunk her and choose better this time. __________________ I don't want to spend my life with someone I can live with, I want to spend my life with someone I can't live without.

03-30-2012, 01:57 PM	#25
Breathless Brat Extraordinaire How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Happy Tournaments Won: 23 Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Alberta Canada Posts: 1,412 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,549 Thanked 4,101 Times in 958 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I am struggling with responding to your thread. When I read all that you wrote, my heart really went out to you, because I could hear my own bargaining, and excuses, when I too said those things to myself. When I came out, many years ago, I met this woman. I fell head over heals in love with her, she too was my first. We spent crazy amounts of time together, I thought wow, how could I have been so lucky. She lived in California, and I in western Canada. She didnt look down on me for having children, which I assumed who the heck would want to be with a single mom of two young ones. After being together for about 6 months things started to change. She would anger so easily, and I would find myself trying to calm her down, and reassure her. She would accuse me of sleeping around, of having more than just a friendship with my ex husband, of fooling around at work with co workers in a sexual way, and the list goes on. She apologized over and over again, saying that it was the distance that was making her insecure. So she moved in with me, I sponsored her to move to Canada. It only got worse. I thought i was deserving of this, that in some way I made her feel this way and act this way, and if i would just shut my mouth and stop coaxing her that she wouldnt feel she had to get angry with me so much. New Years eve 2001, I was working a double shift, 3-11 and then back in the morning for 7-3. When I came home, she was sitting at the computer, I could see that she was in a foul mood, and i just needed to try to get some sleep before going back to work in the am. I put on my pjs and climbed into bed. Few minutes later she walked in the room, and turned on the lights.. she had my son's meds in her hand, and commented that i shouldnt leave things like this laying around and proceeded to take the pills. I was angry, and i got out of bed and tried to take them from her. The next thing I knew I was pinned to the floor, she had fist fulls of my hair in her hands, she was telling me that I was worthless, that I was lucky that anyone loved me, and many many more horrible things. I couldnt get away from her, I was begging her to let me go. She was saying things like she and my ex husband had a talk.. and the truth was out, that I was a shitty wife, and that I was fat, ugly and a waste of skin. I told her with tears running down my face, that I couldnt live like this anymore, please just let me go, her words.. by morning you wont have to worry about that, wonder what your kids will think coming home to mom's blood all over these walls. I snapped. I started agreeing with her, telling her that she was right, she had always been right. She finally let go of my hair. We were then sitting on the floor, and she was still telling me how messed up i was, and that i was lucky to have her in my life.. I continued to agree with her, i went to stand up and she grabbed me by my hair again and back to the floor. I asked her if she was thirsty? She let go of my hair and stood and walked ahead of me, i turned and ran for the door, out to my car bare foot in the snow. She was right behind me.. Tried to start it, I was shaking so hard I had no coordination, got out of the drive way, and she was right behind me, she hit me twice with her car, trying to run me off the road, I just kept going, I pulled up to a friends house, jumped out of my still moving car and ran up the step and banged on the door. I was unrecognizable, they called the police. The police laid attempted murder charges on her. She made a deal with the government, and was deported rather than have to face charges. I cut all my hair off cause i couldn't even stand the feeling of brushing it. Dancer, you are worth it! I can tell you for fact, that there are some really amazing butches out there who would rather rip their own hearts from their chest than ever lay a hand on you in anger. You teach people how to treat you, and the very moment that she got away with anything it made it the norm. It will happen again, trust me, it will if you let her back in your life. It took many years of councilling and therapy for me to deal with what she had done to me. I googled my ex, out of morbid curiosity, she has since been charged and convicted of doing the same thing to someone else. Thankfully the State of California was not as lax as the Canadian government was. Love yourself! __________________ *BE the change you wish to see in the world. Gandhi* Last edited by Breathless; 03-30-2012 at 01:58 PM. Reason: spelling

03-30-2012, 03:39 PM	#26
Apocalipstic Pink Confection How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, Her, Ma'am Relationship Status: Dating Myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Nashville Posts: 4,266 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 17,195 Thanked 11,382 Times in 2,839 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I agree with Theo. Hitting another person is wrong! There is some wonderful advice here. Some of it I needed. __________________

03-30-2012, 04:45 PM	#28
Inked_Trinity Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: BadAss! / Sarcastic Bastard! Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Earth Posts: 2,352 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,507 Thanked 6,924 Times in 1,817 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Being retired law enforcement, I have seen the cycle, the pain and the damage. They never mean it, and of course they'll change.....BULLSHIT! Don't just walk away from this, RUN! Jagg said it best for me. __________________ Tell me I can't do it.. then stand back and watch me amaze you.

03-30-2012, 05:02 PM	#29
Dominique Member How Do You Identify?: Female/Lesbian/half the athlete I used to be Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: Dates Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: So proud to be a Pittsburgher Posts: 1,484 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,645 Thanked 3,735 Times in 1,168 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I've never been in an abusive relationship. One (my first Butch) was sometimes cranky and too controlling, but she NEVER hit me. I dated someone for awhile who made me crazy. Did you ever have crazy love? Seriously, did you? Well, this one was my crazy love. One night she made me so mad....I tore the coke-a-cola BEARS boxers right off of her, then kicked her in the ass. I was glad a few minutes later that I was bare footed when I swift kicked her. To add insult to injury. I found out later, they were my boxers. I swear that butch made me nuts. Glad I wised up and got away from her. Because it was crazy love, it was hard to break it off. Yes, therapy is imperative. __________________ As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be??

03-30-2012, 11:24 AM	#21
Lady_Di Member How Do You Identify?: Homo sapien Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: Home Posts: 353 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,486 Thanked 1,486 Times in 315 Posts Rep Power: 16304879	First of all kudos for you for sharing, that was very brave of you. And that is the beginning of your healing journey. ((((((dancer))))) Love never dies, but it can be toxic nonetheless. Sometimes it may not work out. You owe it to yourself and your family, past present and future family to take care of yourself. For a change of pace... There are many kinds of abuse in this big ole world. Live and learn, get the help, there is a lot out there. Access those resources which abound in pretty much every community, unless you are in Timbuktwo, though they probably have em too. Great suggestions here. All I can say is nothing is ever black and white. The oddest thing about abusers is they can come off to the outside world as the most polite and gracious people on earth, they can seem to be very loving people. I am speaking from the experiences of those I have met that have been incarcerated for their brutal crimes. As a nurse we get to interact with these folks and it is unnerving that they are often times the easiest of our patient load. Down right respectful to us for the most part. Though again, it is not black and white. I have rarely seen an abuser change it's spots. But I do think people can change, including you. And ultimately that is who you are responsible to and for. Change must happen. In fact if you are not changing, growing... you are stagnating and that is akin to death. Live. It is a choice as to how you want to do that, who you want to have in your life, what sort of home, career, family you will have. What vocations, passions you will persue and keeping those around you who support you in whatever your endeavors may be. Be strong and know you can get thru this. You have a ton of support here and in your real life community, I am quite certain of that. Lean on us, continue to vent, problem solve, and continue this amazing journey of self discovery. Remember that sometimes from our pain, comes our finest triumphs, our biggest lessons. Take Care, Di

03-30-2012, 12:29 PM	#24
Dude Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Perusing Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: exit 5 with an exit 21 goal Posts: 1,725 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 15,351 Thanked 10,606 Times in 1,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	http://www.cchers.org/cap/about.html please read link above I chose this page because it shows what healthy relationships are like in comparison. any form of abuse is a cycle Control ,manipulation, threats, isolation can be just as painful as finding yourself in a punching bag situation. At 26, I met my dream woman. Beautiful ,perfect body,hot in the sack and dripping with charisma. There was not much I would not do for her. I played chicken with a car ( she was threatening suicide), took a super heavy ,glass ashtray to the head, nearly got clocked and burnt with a frying pan full of hot grease, dodged a hot iron flying through the air, etc,etc. The honeymoon (I'm so sorry, I will do whatever you want,I'll do treatment and therapy followed by romance for days and mindblowing sex) all kept me hooked, for nearly nine months. She could charm the pants off of any butch ( for a minute) and last I heard all these years later is that she is still doing the exact same thing. My self esteem was in the fucking gutter because I could not fix her. I was too young to get that ,it was not my job. Nothing I did was good enough and I never knew what I was coming home to. My life was isolated because it was humuliating and no one would understand. My escape route was my dog who spent more and more time cowering in the basement versus getting love from me/us/her (The crazy couple.) I loved my dog and hated to see what it was doing to her.Later, I focused on what it did to me. When you question your own sanity, feel smothered, are manipulated by suicide threats, embaressed by public scenes and never know what your coming home to, you are in an emotionally, abusive relationship. When your opinion or well being does not matter and is never up for consideration or a priority to that person, why are you still there? When someone tries to burden the bulk of the realtionship on you to fix and you are not allowed time for any self care, friends or pleasure time (of your choosing) accept it for what it is and get the hell out. That aint love.

03-30-2012, 04:30 PM	#27
Scorp Italian Stallion How Do You Identify?: DNA Usually... Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: In a van, down by the river.. Posts: 2,702 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,557 Thanked 4,721 Times in 1,270 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	NEVER, EVER raise your hands to anyone else, UNLESS, you're defending yourself in an altercation. Anyone who hits out of "possession of property", and anything else of that nature, other than a defense mechanism is a fucking COWARD.... THE END...

03-30-2012, 05:29 PM	#30
dancer611 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Preferred Pronoun?: fairy princess :) Relationship Status: single Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: USA Posts: 20 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6 Thanked 77 Times in 13 Posts Rep Power: 1788033	Possession of property??!

03-30-2012, 05:29 PM	#31
CherylNYC Member How Do You Identify?: Stonefemme lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: I'm a woman. Behave accordingly. Relationship Status: Single, not looking. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: NYC Posts: 1,467 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,474 Thanked 7,150 Times in 1,206 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Your ex will only keep hitting you. Don't go back to her. Ever. Not only should you not go back to your ex, you shouldn't get into a relationship with ANYONE right now. You say you hit your ex. Get therapy and don't even think about starting with a new girlfriend until you learn some good relationship models. __________________ Cheryl

03-30-2012, 05:40 PM	#32
Uli Member How Do You Identify?: fat girl Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married! Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: - Posts: 112 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 173 Thanked 530 Times in 104 Posts Rep Power: 3865492	Please contact your local domestic violence shelter for support. When/if she figures out/feels like she can't get you back with sweetness and promises, you will very likely be in danger again. This website will let you search for the shelter in your area: http://www.womenshelters.org/ All domestic violence shelters also offer non-residential services, such as support groups, individual counseling, and legal advocates.

03-30-2012, 07:49 PM	#36
Dude Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Perusing Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: exit 5 with an exit 21 goal Posts: 1,725 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 15,351 Thanked 10,606 Times in 1,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I read the opening post a few hours before I posted. Somehow, ( I think brainwashing by society and who normally hits who sterio type bs) I did not remember the part of you hitting her at all. This would have definately changed my post, had I retained the whole story. In my experience ,I was in such shock it was happening to me I was unable to do much other than protect my head from getting pummeled or dodge flying objects. The shame of getting physically battered by a femme was huge for me. I found out later commiserating with one of her ex's that she equated violence with love and wanted it in return. She hit her back and they were magically abusive together for five years. The incidents became more life threatening like jumping out on the freeway, wielding weapons on each other,etc. I did get therapy over this event and a few other (not so choice) times in my life. So yes, get therapy. Your self esteem will grow, you wont be insecure if you learn to value and love yourself. You wont believe the bs that you are less than , if not in a relationship. You wont want to be violent yourself if you learn to deal with your own anger. Do not stop to hit someone who you are trying to get away from. hellooooo People really do die sometimes. Sometimes because they stay, sometimes when they leave and sometimes on the inside from being beat down for way too long. Dont fuck around with your life. The truth is never gentle in abusive situations.

03-30-2012, 08:11 PM	#37
Tcountry Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Country Boi Preferred Pronoun?: call it as u see it Relationship Status: Completely...complete ;) Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: Either at the beach or in the pool Posts: 1,665 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,929 Thanked 4,287 Times in 1,181 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I'll confess I didn't read everything everyone said.... but.....run.... get away & stay away a lot of times it is not IF it will happen again but WHEN... even if they are in counseling. & even if it didn't happen again....YOU would be waiting for it too... that doesn't breed a healthy relationship.... Go get counseling for U....& don't look back tip hat __________________ "You don't Find life worth living; You MAKE IT that way"

03-30-2012, 08:13 PM	#38
dancer611 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Preferred Pronoun?: fairy princess :) Relationship Status: single Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: USA Posts: 20 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6 Thanked 77 Times in 13 Posts Rep Power: 1788033	Whoa, whoa. I didn't "batter" her, and I don't own any weapons whatsoever, nor would I threaten anyone with one...not sure if you're implying that I did, but...one of the reasons this has been hard is that, while I did slap her the one time, and felt/feel extreme guilt for it, it was when she was drunk, I was already terrified, she had pulled a knife on me and choked me previusly, and someone twice my size was bearing down on me, screaming in my face, and refusing to leave my apartment when I was begging them to out of fear. So, the question for me has been where the line is drawn. People/domestic violence websites will say the size, gender ID, etc., doesn't factor in, and on an emotional/moral level I agree, but physically it is simply untrue. She held me down and barely let me breathe for 15 minutes. She put all of her weight on me and almost crushed me. I could never do that to her, no matter how angry I was; and no matter how angry I was, or what she did to me, I COULD NOT defend myself. Slapping her did not hurt her. She did not even flinch. When she was chasing me down the street, I really had nowhere to go. She had taken my phone, we had been in her car, and she had pulled over where no one could see us and there were no houses. She was bearing down on me, using her size to intimidate me, and SHE HAD JUST PULLED A KNIFE ON ME AND THREATENED TO MURDER ME. So I tried to fight back by hitting her, but still she grabbed me, and threw me down by my hair, then got in my face, pinned me down and continued to scream while I cried. So. I'm not saying that I made the correct decisions, or that everything I did was right. It clearly wasn't. But I was emotionally beholden to her at this point, and felt physically helpless. Even if I had TRIED, this could not have been "mutual abuse." She choked me on several occasions, poured a drink in my face once and pinned me down or threw me down several times, as well as brandishing the weapon. I slapped her once when I was already scared and trapped in an apartment (she, once again, took my phone so I couldn't call the police). So, even though I feel guilt, because violence is not the answer, a lot of these posts have focused on my one slap...and I feel that I have to be fair to myself, that this was a pattern for her (in past relationships as well), and not for me. She tried to make me feel that, because I attempted (always failing) to defend myself, I was "abusing" her too. And that's just not what happened.

03-30-2012, 08:19 PM	#40
dancer611 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: High Femme Preferred Pronoun?: fairy princess :) Relationship Status: single Join Date: Mar 2012 Location: USA Posts: 20 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6 Thanked 77 Times in 13 Posts Rep Power: 1788033	So you do not allow for self defense? I was supposed to allow her to drunkenly attack me??! I didn't mean that to sound rude, at all. It's just that people keep saying I should have done something different, and I'm not sure what that was. I was screaming and crying, but no one came; I had no phone to call anyone; and I could not just "walk away" because she was trapping and following me, and/or pinning me down or putting her hand over my mouth. So what on earth else was I supposed to do, if I'm not allowed to ever lay a hand on anyone?