Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Jet]

....................

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

How traumatic to not find out you are adopted till 17! Did they tell you, or did you find out on your own?

My mother told me the whole story when I was 17.

Was your father glad you found him?
My father was shocked; I wrote him a letter and sent it registered. All I wanted was for him to know I existed. After that, it wasn't necessary to keep in touch.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

The doc's look at me funny sometimes as well but I shrug it off because I don't think the concept of closed adoptions have come into play with their line of work.

I am to the point that I know some form of cancer will kill me or I will keel over dead at old age.

Logically we know we will die of old age, but every time I have a pain, I wonder if it is because of some disease I don't know about.

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

....................

Did it change your life when she told you? Are you angry about any of it?

[bigbutchmistie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I'm in therapy for a multitude of things, but the one thing that I have never thought about much in regard to my depression and trauma healing is my adoption.

I am reading and pondering and want to discuss closed adoptions from the point of view of the adoptee.

If you put a child up for closed adoption, or adopted someone that way, you may want to stay away from this thread. There will be things you don't want to hear. You are welcome, but know you have been warned. This thread is not here to make you feel better, but to work through some of the issues adoptees go through.

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

I always knew growing up I was adopted. My adopted parents told me from real young.

I was put on a bus when I was 18 with the clothes on my back with a bus ticket and told I was never welcomed in their home again (adopted parents) sent up here to Big D to meet my real parents.

And my adopted parents told me I was adopted by telling me that I would grow up fat and not wanted just like the trash that had me. Which my biological mom was not.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Have you always known you were adopted?

Yes. I was adopted when I was 6 by my step-father. My mom and my bio father were each 18 when I was born. For them they were probably too young to have kids.

Have you met your birth parents?

Yes. I kinda grew up with my mom. when I was 12 she divorced my step-father and left me with him (he was an emotional and psychological abuser). She basically had no interest in me and this was particularly evident when she had my half-sister (hrmm.. can we can abandonment issues?!)

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

I was 6 when it happened so I kinda knew. What I didn't was the truth about my father. My mom had told me he was abusive and my step-father did his darnest to keep him and me apart when I turned 15 and my bio-father sent a letter to my step-father stating he wanted to see me and get to know me.

I didn't know anything and believed what others told me. When I turned 18, curiousity got the better of me and I met him. I was shocked how nice he was and how much we were alike (simple things like pushing up our glasses were done the same manner).

I know I'm kinda lucky in that I knew both parents but in some ways I kinda wish they had given me up to people who really wanted me and wouldn't give up on me.

[christie]

I do know my "first" name... Aimee Marie...I find it funny that when I was a teen and venturing into writing, I used "Aimee" as a pseudonym.

My parents told me that they never knew I was named by my birth mother or they wouldn't have changed it. They were instructed by their attorney to "pick out a name." My dad chose Christie...and spelled it. I've seen the paperwork... and yet, to this day, he spells it Christy. LOL

In as far as a support group, I did attend one in Nashville many many moons ago. It was during the two years that I waited for Post Adoption Services to process my request for search.

Sigh... I wish I could say that I endorsed the whole support group thing. For me (and just for me) I think that its a way for me to avoid dealing with my own shit. I am a fixer by nature and find that I take on other's issues rather than focus on my own. I also have enormous issues with people I classify as "perpetual victims." I find that I have little patience with them. I found myself at this support group meeting, looking at people who had been dealing with their issues for what I consider to be far too long (decades and decades) and biting my lips off to keep from asking them just how long were they gonna be caught up in the woe is me mentality before they moved to the next step in the healing process.

Perhaps I shouldn't be quick to judge, but I know myself and I have a limited amount of energy to expend on others. I have to self monitor closely so that I don't get sucked into others' stuff and neglect my own.

This isn't a judgement on others nor do I want to derail by instigating/offending anyone. I recognize that we are all different, deal with things differently and on our own timeframes. This was merely a response to the support group question and my experience with it. Your mileage may vary.

On a happier note, this time next week, we will be back in Nashville for the holidays. Even as much as I relish the distance between my family and us, I do miss them and think that a three night/two day visit is just about the perfect length of time.

I hope that we all have a lovely holiday season, surrounded by people we love and who love us in return. Sometimes its not about the family you were born into, the family to whom you were adopted, but more about our chosen family. I'm grateful for each of you in my chosen virtual family.

Christie

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I never knew what my real name would have been except my last name would have been Jung, that's about it.

Therapy, been there done that, ugh I don't like therapy, probably because I was being forced into it before I was even ready to divulge any of my feelings.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by christie0918

I do know my "first" name... Aimee Marie...I find it funny that when I was a teen and venturing into writing, I used "Aimee" as a pseudonym.

My parents told me that they never knew I was named by my birth mother or they wouldn't have changed it. They were instructed by their attorney to "pick out a name." My dad chose Christie...and spelled it. I've seen the paperwork... and yet, to this day, he spells it Christy. LOL

In as far as a support group, I did attend one in Nashville many many moons ago. It was during the two years that I waited for Post Adoption Services to process my request for search.

Sigh... I wish I could say that I endorsed the whole support group thing. For me (and just for me) I think that its a way for me to avoid dealing with my own shit. I am a fixer by nature and find that I take on other's issues rather than focus on my own. I also have enormous issues with people I classify as "perpetual victims." I find that I have little patience with them. I found myself at this support group meeting, looking at people who had been dealing with their issues for what I consider to be far too long (decades and decades) and biting my lips off to keep from asking them just how long were they gonna be caught up in the woe is me mentality before they moved to the next step in the healing process.

Perhaps I shouldn't be quick to judge, but I know myself and I have a limited amount of energy to expend on others. I have to self monitor closely so that I don't get sucked into others' stuff and neglect my own.

This isn't a judgement on others nor do I want to derail by instigating/offending anyone. I recognize that we are all different, deal with things differently and on our own timeframes. This was merely a response to the support group question and my experience with it. Your mileage may vary.

On a happier note, this time next week, we will be back in Nashville for the holidays. Even as much as I relish the distance between my family and us, I do miss them and think that a three night/two day visit is just about the perfect length of time.

I hope that we all have a lovely holiday season, surrounded by people we love and who love us in return. Sometimes its not about the family you were born into, the family to whom you were adopted, but more about our chosen family. I'm grateful for each of you in my chosen virtual family.

Christie

I get what you are saying about the support group. I went to one for PTSD back in the 80's and I remember sitting there wondering how some of the people let things get that bad...that sometimes you do have to pick up and walk into the fire and deal with your every day life, no matter what your fears are. I made some of the other members angry becasue I looked put together and had a job, no matter what was inside my head.

I do wonder if I talked to someone who gave her child away that I am not related to could make me understand how giving away a person seemed like the best plan. Cynthia tells me how things are in a small town, that I don't understand the pressure, that people lose business if their kid has an illegitimate child, that the child is marked for life and fo forth and all that makes me think is how much people SUCK.

I think I do undetstand in a way, growing up in the nest of the Southern Baptist with my parents as missionaries, always on stage....how much pressure there could be. But what makes the difference between a young mother who keeps her kid and one who gives her kid away?

What makes the difference between someone who goes ahead and uses birth control and one who doesn't. Yes, I get that it's easy for me to say that since I sleep with women.

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I never knew what my real name would have been except my last name would have been Jung, that's about it.

Therapy, been there done that, ugh I don't like therapy, probably because I was being forced into it before I was even ready to divulge any of my feelings.

My paternal last name would have been Sullivan, and my maternal last name would have been Higgins. No clue about my first name.

For me therapy depends on whether I chose and like the therapist and how they listen to and hear me.

[bigbutchmistie]

Apocalipstic my adopted parents are Fundamental Independent Baptist Preachers LOL I spent summers as a teen with missionaries in Mexico

[christie]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I get what you are saying about the support group. I went to one for PTSD back in the 80's and I remember sitting there wondering how some of the people let things get that bad...that sometimes you do have to pick up and walk into the fire and deal with your every day life, no matter what your fears are. I made some of the other members angry becasue I looked put together and had a job, no matter what was inside my head.

I do wonder if I talked to someone who gave her child away that I am not related to could make me understand how giving away a person seemed like the best plan. Cynthia tells me how things are in a small town, that I don't understand the pressure, that people lose business if their kid has an illegitimate child, that the child is marked for life and fo forth and all that makes me think is how much people SUCK.

I think I do undetstand in a way, growing up in the nest of the Southern Baptist with my parents as missionaries, always on stage....how much pressure there could be. But what makes the difference between a young mother who keeps her kid and one who gives her kid away?

What makes the difference between someone who goes ahead and uses birth control and one who doesn't. Yes, I get that it's easy for me to say that since I sleep with women.

Jen -

I totally hear what you are saying in regard to the objectivity of an uninvolved third party with a similar experience. If my birth mother was more open, I would have us all meet for lunch or something; alas, in the 16 years I have known her, we have had ONE conversation about her giving me up. One.

Most of my information has come from my sister. Apparently, it was a decision that was made FOR her as she was 17.

In my resolution process, I always remembered a couple of things that I think are relevant even to your situation.

1970 was a different time (the year I was born). Choices for women in regard to their bodies and decisions were very limited. Even more so in the 60's when you were born. Educational opportunities were very limited. Most women who attended college were majoring in BM degrees - Before Marriage. Abortion wasn't legal until 1973 so access to the backalley abortions was not just expensive, it required a great amount of strength in overcoming the fears.

Birth control options were even more limited. The modern birth control pill wasn't introduced until 1960 and even then, most physicians wouldn't prescribe it unless the woman's husband agreed. If a husband said no, she had no choice. My motherinlaw's physician wanted to perform a hysterectomy for her after my brotherinlaw was born in the late 60's for her health. Jess's father would not give his "permission" and she was left with no choice but to have her health compromised.

Women weren't nearly as empowered as we are today. We have endless opportunities for us, even if its still that we work harder for less money and hope we dont land in a place with a glass ceiling. We have proven that we are independent, intelligent, singularly sensational entities without being in the "protective mantle of males." We have choices.

My maternal grandfather was a deacon in a southern baptist church. He was also a prominent businessman in Memphis. The shame of his daughter being pregnant out of wedlock was just not acceptable. She was sent to live with my great-aunt in Florida. Aunt Mary could not have children and begged and pleaded with B to give me to her. B was so very distraught she called her father every day to please let her come home. He finally relented and brought her back to Memphis and placed her in the Baptist Unwed Mothers Home.

What she endured there must have been unimaginable. To this day, she will drive 30 mins out of the way to even avoid driving down the same street as the Home. She has never spoken of her experience there; but she doesn't have to - its apparent enough to me.

Being forced to give me up certainly qualifies her in my mind as a PTSD candidate. It was so traumatic for her, she literally could not remember my birthdate - she knew it was one of three days.

She hasn't ever really dealt with her own issues surrounding my adoption. She probably never will. My only wish is that she has peace about it and knows that I hold no ill will towards her.

Most of you know that I have a 16 yr old son. When I found myself an "unwed mother" at 22 (that in itself is another thread on "issues" unto itself! LOL) I was faced with my choices... I could abort... I could give the baby up for adoption or I could keep him and make it work. I had options - options I feel that a lot of birth mothers never have. I made the decision I could best live with and never looked back.

Today, Bratboy's favorite game is to see just how quickly he can annoy the hell out of me with, "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.Mom.Mom.Mom," all the while tapping me on the arm... I think he times it.

Would he have been better off with a two parent home of lovely heterosexual parents who didn't have to work 60hr weeks when he was an infant just to keep him in diapers and formula? Maybe. I would like to think that I have given him as good, if not a better life than that imaginary couple could have. I dunno... but I do know that I wouldn't nearly be the person I am today.

I like to think that my birth mother made the decision she could best live with - given that she really didnt have a decision in it, I like to give her that power in my head... and to think that if she had been of my generation, she would have had the empowerment to believe she could have made a life for me.

Just my take on what it might have been like to try and be in their shoes.

Christie

[Sam]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

First off i never knew you were adopted. Not a bad thing, just never knew.

I have always known i was adopted. My parents told me at a young age. I dont really remember how they told me, but i remember knowing.

I have never met my birth parents, i have no real idea where they are, who they are or if they are even still alive.

Closed adoption suck ass. NYS is very hard on giving out any kinds of info, hell im 42 fucking years old, i deserve to know.

I always told myself i would wait to start my search for my birth parents after both my parents past on. after my dad passed in 2006, i wrote to NYS.

I got a letter back at christmas time 2006 giving me very little about my birth mother.

She was canadian, she was 20 and I was her first child. wow that was all, never heard anything again from NYS.

Going to read through the thread now.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Easton

First off i never knew you were adopted. Not a bad thing, just never knew.

I have always known i was adopted. My parents told me at a young age. I dont really remember how they told me, but i remember knowing.

I have never met my birth parents, i have no real idea where they are, who they are or if they are even still alive.

Closed adoption suck ass. NYS is very hard on giving out any kinds of info, hell im 42 fucking years old, i deserve to know.

I always told myself i would wait to start my search for my birth parents after both my parents past on. after my dad passed in 2006, i wrote to NYS.

I got a letter back at christmas time 2006 giving me very little about my birth mother.

She was canadian, she was 20 and I was her first child. wow that was all, never heard anything again from NYS.

Going to read through the thread now.

I did not realize you were adopted either.

I guess, till my Dad died and all the stuff that arises around that, I did not realize being adopted made a difference in my life. I thought it was his abuse that defined me and made me succeptible to controlling dominating people.

It is very interesting to read and study about adoption, and why I am like I am.

Oklahoma is very difficult to get info from too, I agree it totally sucks that people still don't see the damage it casues to not share the truth of a person's own history with them. How much it would mean to you to know, especially now that you have a son.

Thanks for posting!

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Wow glad to see some posting on here, let me try to recoup myself from last night and collect my thoughts and get back to you

[Sam]

Jen

I joined many adoption sites through out NYS, then when i found out that my birth mother was canadian, i started the search in canada. i really almost got lucky, until the actual birth dates didnt match up. i went as far as copying the info NYS gave me ( non identifying info) and sent it to this woman in canada that had a birth mom looking.

worst thing is, how do i know i was born on the 12th day? i dont believe a word anyone says at this point about my records.

i'm sorry for your abuse. Truly i am.

I have never been abused by my parents, i had a great life growing up. the best education, the best of everything. but as it sticks out right now, my parents told me for 20 years that i was adopted through catholic charities at 11 months of age. NYS paperwork says i was adopted through the state. who do i believe? back then it was 2 very different networks. state being the fucked up state of NY and catholic charities being catholic???

Avery is beautiful soul. i wish very much that he had the chance to meet his grandparents.

My condolences on your father, i do remember kelle telling me.

Sam

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Easton

Jen

I joined many adoption sites through out NYS, then when i found out that my birth mother was canadian, i started the search in canada. i really almost got lucky, until the actual birth dates didnt match up. i went as far as copying the info NYS gave me ( non identifying info) and sent it to this woman in canada that had a birth mom looking.

worst thing is, how do i know i was born on the 12th day? i dont believe a word anyone says at this point about my records.

i'm sorry for your abuse. Truly i am.

I have never been abused by my parents, i had a great life growing up. the best education, the best of everything. but as it sticks out right now, my parents told me for 20 years that i was adopted through catholic charities at 11 months of age. NYS paperwork says i was adopted through the state. who do i believe? back then it was 2 very different networks. state being the fucked up state of NY and catholic charities being catholic???

Avery is beautiful soul. i wish very much that he had the chance to meet his grandparents.

My condolences on your father, i do remember kelle telling me.

Sam

Thank you, he was very abusive, so its been kinda weird.

He did give us good educations and travel and all that, but he was crazy.

I know what you mean about not knowing what is real. Sometimes I wonder if my birthday is when I think it is, or if the time is right. I do know where it was though, and it was Methodist charities which yes, was separate from the state.

Have you gone through all your Dad's papers? We found some things pertaining to my sister's adoption, but there is so so so much more to be gone through, and I have just not felt up to it. I guess maybe you did before he went to the assisted living place?

I would have thought that NY would be more liberal in its adoption records than Oklahoma, but I guess not. In Oklahoma, you can send a letter to the state and if your birth parents try to contact you, they will give them the letter. Problem is, so many women used an assumed name. My birth mother did.

I wish Avery could have met his grandparents too.

[Sam]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Thank you, he was very abusive, so its been kinda weird.

He did give us good educations and travel and all that, but he was crazy.

I know what you mean about not knowing what is real. Sometimes I wonder if my birthday is when I think it is, or if the time is right. I do know where it was though, and it was Methodist charities which yes, was separate from the state.

Have you gone through all your Dad's papers? We found some things pertaining to my sister's adoption, but there is so so so much more to be gone through, and I have just not felt up to it. I guess maybe you did before he went to the assisted living place?

I would have thought that NY would be more liberal in its adoption records than Oklahoma, but I guess not. In Oklahoma, you can send a letter to the state and if your birth parents try to contact you, they will give them the letter. Problem is, so many women used an assumed name. My birth mother did.

I wish Avery could have met his grandparents too.

Kelle went through all my parents paperwork, while selling the house. we sat on the floor in my old living room and didnt find anything.

Which was kind of weird, NOT a single piece of paper pertaining to the adoption.

My dad had to either get rid of it or gave it to someone for "safe" keeping.

I wrote to NYS, they will pass my information on if someone is looking for me, but i bet that will be a cold day in hell.

My birth mother would be 62 right now. After all my changes, shes looking for a "daughter" that dont exist.

I think the laws SUCK, so many groups are trying to change the laws in NYS, but i bet it will never happen. I do believe that the laws should change for health relations.

This is a great topic Jen.

[dreadgeek]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I'm in therapy for a multitude of things, but the one thing that I have never thought about much in regard to my depression and trauma healing is my adoption.

I am reading and pondering and want to discuss closed adoptions from the point of view of the adoptee.

If you put a child up for closed adoption, or adopted someone that way, you may want to stay away from this thread. There will be things you don't want to hear. You are welcome, but know you have been warned. This thread is not here to make you feel better, but to work through some of the issues adoptees go through.

Now for a couple of questions to get us started:

Have you always known you were adopted?

Have you met your birth parents?

How did your adopted parents tell you you were adopted?

Thank you for your participation, I know this is a rough subject.

Jen

Interesting questions.

I found out I was adopted when I was 17. I had brought home a report card with a 'C' on it. My father and I were having our normal report card conversation and at the end of it, before we went inside, he said "oh by the way, you're adopted" then turned his back on me and went inside the house.

For the next four years we played what I call 'the adoption game'. The adoption game goes like this:

Me: Mom? Am I really adopted.
Mom: You've always been our child.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: We've always loved you.

After my son was born, I pinned my parents down by saying "I need to know for genetic reasons--am I adopted. A simple yes or no question requiring a yes or no answer." My father replied "yes, never bring this up again".

He and I never spoke of it again. I did not find anything else out until twelve years later, after my father was dead and my mother told me a little more. They knew my birth mother because she was a student at the high school in Alabama where my mother was a teacher and my father a vice principal at the time. After my mother died in 2007, my sister sent me what paperwork she could find which had my original name and some pieces of correspondence with the Alabama department of child welfare regarding the fostering and then adoption.

I have never met my birth mother although I would like to, if for no other reason than to tell her that I grew up okay.

Cheers
Aj