Friends of Bill W.

[Soft*Silver]

Today as I was sitting in my lawn chair and watering my garden, I was fussing over how many weeds I missed. Some over there..some there..one right in front of me...and you all know those weeds were symbolic of my resentments...so it was really nagging at me that I had missed so many of them...

until..I dont know what caused me to look up...but I did.

Instead of looking down, I looked up...

and saw that one of my suflowers had finally bloomed...

its not enough to just see part of your "inventory"

sometimes you need to see all of it...

or the best of it instead of the harshness of it...

if we always look in one direction, we will never see the sunflowers...

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 20


Taking the Field



Humor is an illustration; a joke an explanation. I learn far more from the smiles than the jeers. Laughter carries me; an action, which tears can’t always accomplish. It is hard to live with constant descent, but wit is a quick impassioned friend. Thoughtless conformity is an evil companion I prefer the company of those who play. Life is too hard from the sidelines; I would rather take the field.



Find a pit crew before you crash

*

DEFINITIONS

I am close to my Higher Power
But I have no words to describe It.
I have found it best to say nothing unless asked.

When I do speak it is always the path I took
Or the way I held my face.
I know the things, which changed
And the wind, which blew.

This is not the sketch most people seek.
My skin is brown and my smile broad.
This is not from over exposure to beams of light.

Closeness warms me, I glow from standing near.
I know the face and form is different for everyday
I must not stop for definitions.

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 21



Rules

There are rules about breaking rules. You can do it this way, but must not that way. Cross this line and you get dragons; cross that line you get a good natured slap on the wrist. Beneath the reflective surface of law I have found many shoals and sandbars; rocks and outcroppings, layer upon layer of blue depth I can only partly chart. I also find inquiries in this matter meet with the same reaction as asking about: yeti, crop circles, or what was kept in Uncle Author’s spare room. Those willing to talk about it I often fear to hear from and the reluctant to speak I fear to pursue. You see this investigation is just another thing from under that sea.






Look before you listen

*

MY BABIES

Too often I have abandoned the infants
Of my creativity to doorways and charities
Having little patience I did not raise them
To their intended station.

Joyful parentage need not stop
At the cutting of the cord.
Down playing the importance of each birth
I leave beauty and art to be foundlings
And the province of others.

I can share the guardianship of these precious gifts
And be more than a broodmare for cunning and craft.
I have neglected things
For the promise of each new conception.

Overpopulation weakens the body of work
And leaves my portfolio listless and immature.

[TenderKnight]

First of all, Thank you all for posting in this thread.. I have been reading quietly for a couple of months now.. I have been thinking about starting a "Friends of Jimmy" thread, I'm mainly dealing with my opiate (spl) addiction.. I stopped cold turkey last friday because I didn't trust myself to go to T.J. to get some to ramp myself down. I have to say, opiate withdrawl sucks ass.. Hard.. lol

I asked a co-worker to take all my stash and booze lastnight.. She isn't in the program but cared enough to do it for me.. It still amazes me how friggin SCARED i was to let her have it all.. I've set down all my spiritual tools, but am fumbling around for them.. My body feels like crap and I'm embarressed to be in withdrawl. I will be going to some real/time meetings soon, but right now, I am having issues just getting out of bed..

Blah.. I'm going to be ok, but needed to share on a more public level and the fact that you all can't see me right now helps. Thanks.

Tony, sick addict who is getting better, ever so slowly..

[LeftWriteFemme]

Good luck TenderKnight,

Please be very careful as you withdraw, get some in person help as soon as you can and know that this thread and the people who read it are here any time.

best wishes,

Sherrie

[Soft*Silver]

TK, what an immense amount of courage you are displaying by getting off the drug. I also suggest you be very careful with your withdrawal and seek professional help if you need it. Go to ER if you have to. Dont just suffer through silently. And going to meetings IS a good thing. It will give you contact with others who have gone thru what you are going thru. They can help you. This is a WE program, not a ME program. You arent alone anymore. We are out there...just reach for us...

good luck honey and boy are you top of my prayer list!

[TenderKnight]

Thank you Sherrie and softness.. As well as to the others that have contacted me privately.. Thankfully, the withdrawl isn't too severe.. Lots of loose stool and feeling like i have a crappy flu.. Been taking imodium and lots of water.. If it were worse, I would check myself in.. This isn't my first time with this.. lol. You know how we learn the tricks.

I will be calling my sponcer soon and am off saturday.. There is a pretty big speaker meeting at the Alano club down the street, will connect with some more folks there. I guess my main issue is pride and shame right now.. Hence, I'm talking about it here first.. I was over a year clean before this.. I know what I need to do, it's just hard to hand over my power.. I have been repeating the first step and have been praying for the courage to let go.. Will take time, but I know I can get there if I just take the first steps.

Thank you for being here and for your thoughts.

-Tony

[deeperstill]

Dear TK,

sending my warmest thoughts in your direction

[Soft*Silver]

right now, TK, you are my hero.,,

[TenderKnight]

deeperstill (love the name, btw ), thank you for your warm wishes and thoughts.. it helps

softness, I don't feel like a hero, but I thank you.. lol.. You know, being a lil out of the fog has let me see just how much people do care about me.. Tonight at work, my co-worker went to the store to get me soup.. and then cooked it for me, lol. She knows how bad I've been going through it..

Wow.. I just felt grateful.. lol.. Weird, it's been a couple of months. :/

It's going to be a raw time for me coming up.. But you know, I'm glad I almost have 24 hours right now.. So much is going through my brain, and I have to admit to looking forward to meeting with my sponcer again.. He's been my sponcer for almost two years now and he is a true friend.. My shame has kept me from contacting him, other then a short call here and there.. He told me that he loved me no matter what and if I just needed a friend, without meetings or steps, I had it. I am grateful for having him in my life.

I guess I just got all kinda of bogged down with myself and *my* plans that I ignored my Higher Power's plans.. But then, maybe this is part of it too.. I don't know. (keeps expecting the timer to go off on my share, lol). In any case, I wanted some play time and thought that being "free" to do whatever i wanted was the answer.. I was actually just locking myself up into my head and my apartment. Blah..

Anyway.. I am sober tonight. First time I can say that in a few months now. It feels good, but weird.. I'm also still in withdrawl, so I'm starving but can't get much down.. Soups and stuff work, but the thought of solid food turns my stomach.. Crackers work if I'm slow with them. Like I said, like the flu but without the fever and cough, lol.

Thank you both again.. Your words and thoughts have and continue to help me.

In Light,
Tony

[Soft*Silver]

when my fog lifted, I was disappointed at first, because all I saw was the sun rising. It wasnt until later that I realized it was the first sun rise I had seen in years.My senses were so deadened I didnt appreciate the gift of a new day. To me, when I use, I am like a spoiled kid who just expects to be handed things, like a sun rise. It didnt dawn on me that even tho it rose every day, I had to take notice and appreciate it.

your fog has lifted. You have always had people around you. Now you appreciate how they care about you...

enjoy those crackers...they are god's gift to the suffering person with an addiction. Thats right....god whispered in some executive's ear and soon enough, those crackers were just waiting for you....

yes sir..thats just how it happened...

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 22



The Landscape of Words



Paint takes time to dry; I work with words. I say azure and you are there with me, even if I am far from this mortal coil, my pigments stay fresh as long as you know blue, as long as you can hear me, read me, see me. I paint 6X8 cell and we are imprisoned together, trapped, til I tell you of the key I slipped into your shoe. I love the flow of watercolor, adore the mushy paste of oil, but nothing beats the world we paint and repaint here on this page.




Explain why frogs don’t have wings


*

GAME PLAYING

My Higher Power doesn’t play me like a board game.
Doesn’t monopolize my time or put me in jeopardy.
My trouble is my own.

I pursue trivia at my discretion.
I take or reject risk at will.
I scrabble my thoughts and am sorry when I make mistakes
.
But don’t expect to live in a candy land.
When I stick my hand in a mouse trap
Or fall down shoots and need to climb up ladders.

I know the game may not be over
But it is far too late to play let’s make a deal.

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 23



Before Ophelia


Young women drown themselves before Shakespeare immortalized, memorialized Ophelia. But having a poster child changes us. Cautionary tale or rallying cry, Ophelia is a hand to hold on dark cold days when the light is hard to find and everything seems bent toward destruction. Not that I think she solved anything with her despondent act just that she stands in the familiar frame I find myself in from time to time. When I imagine I’ve invented the wheel it makes it harder to step down and walk. Ophelia’s fate makes it easier to get off depression’s bus and find my way back home.





Press your excuses for truth

*

TOOTH FAIRY

I slide my hand under the pillow
And am disappointed not to find a quarter.
I feel I deserve one though I didn’t leave a tooth.
I did leave my bite, I’ve toned down my bark a bit too.
It has not been easy.

I’ve spent much of my life snapping and growling
At the world around me.
I have shortened the leash on these reactive behaviors
Many I have put to bed all together.

Improved conduct is prize enough
But I surely would enjoy a winged visitor
If only just for fun.

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 24


Speak!


Are there songs a bird must not sing while communing with the flock? Do fish learn to restrain their expressions while schooling? Or are we the only animal versed in the language of taboo? I wonder when I hear the cows lowing in the night are they giving whispered voice to things they longed to moo about all day. I know what to keep inside, things too flamboyant for out of doors. I understand to keep body and soul together I must keep down and hush, but when I complain to my pup does she comprehend or is it just blah, blah, blah, in her world of speak it like it is?




If your pallet is limited broaden your ideas

*


SHARING

Please take a bite of my PB&J,
I made it myself, it is fine as it is
I slathered the bread and cut it neatly
Still I can’t help but want to offer some to you.

I know to stand and smile next to you
Watch you lick the peanut butter from the roof of your mouth
Have you dab jelly from the corner of my lips
Will make this sandwich even better.

You bring so much to this meal
Something bright and clever --you bring you.
I can pull things together and set it all up
But somehow my creation is never quite complete
Until I share it with you.

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 25


Dear G-d

I need help. I need help availing myself of the help you have provided me. I am embarrassed to lack the ability to complete all the steps necessary for achieving the goals you have set before me. I see now that it is always my turn with you and I can stop standing aside believing that I have had your attention and must now do without. I do not want to ask for more; I don’t want to seem greedy. I forget that you know my heart and that you trust me. I am going to make that a two-way street, maybe a four-lane highway. I need help, thank you for being help full.

Love,

Sherrie





The obvious is sometimes invisible

*


ACCESS

Writing to you my Sweet,
Allows me to give what I have available
At the moment it comes into my possession.

You reading lets you invite me in,
When you are ready or willing
Possibly both.

I can store succulent treasure for you
Without the least consideration of
Freezer burn or apathy.

You are here when I want you,
Yearning and prepared
I am yours for the taking

In the classroom, the bedroom
Or even in your bath
I can whisper or shout to you.

I can rant or tell jokes to you
You can embrace or ignore me
Introduce me to your friends
Or keep me your own personal province.

We are intimates
Because I bare my soul to you
And you take me into yours.

[LeftWriteFemme]

Hello friends of Bill, Lois, Jimmy and many others,

We are working to put together places and times for meetings. June has offered us her suite at 10:30 AM following the 8 to 10 coffee set up there. I would like an idea of the numbers of people planning to attend meetings at the Reunion; depending on the numbers of members and time preferences, Tommi and I are more than willing to make our room available also.
Please private message me and let me know so I can give June a heads up about days and times for the schedule.

Thank you very much,

Sherrie

[PearlsNLace]

I am finding that Im in a new space of vulnerability right now. I get that it means Im at a great opportunity to grow, but it sucks at the moment.

I was in full blown HALT mode yesterday. And found that I wanted a beer after work. I did what I have been trained to do. I got on the phone. Talked to folk who get it.
Then I ate. Went to a meeting. Talked to my sponsees. Wrote to my sponsor.
Did some step work.
Rested.
Later, I went to a fair festival. I told my partner Im having a rough time, and that the beer was a trigger for me. He listened. It mattered.
I didnt drink.

But Im humbled again today. I am reminded that years dont really matter. Ive only really got today.

I chose rest over a meeting today. I did speak with several in program though. I am going to a meeting tomorrow. Im glad I have a service commitment to see through.

Im on my way to bed. Still feeling vulnerable, fragile. I broke into tears tonight when paphigleo got home, over little things. None of it felt little at that moment. And I only 2/3rds believe it was little now. But I was able to talk. Our precious program has given me the skill set to talk. It hurt to do so. But we got through it. Ive got a good partner, and he hears me out.

Im facing some body issues right now that are really messing with my head. I get that we hold stuff in our noggins till we can deal with and process it. Im glad I have friends, and a structure of support and tools to help me be present for it.

My life is damn good today, and I know it. The problems I have are pretty fancy. I do know that. Im taking a deep breath as I write it all. The problems still hurt though. Im not writing this for pity or for any response at all. Im writing cause the butch femme community has been a part of my network for years, an integral part of the sober person I am today.

On another note, we wont be able to go to the reunion because we just cant cover the travel+time from work+ and a room for just us. On one hand, Im disapointed. On the other, my fatigue makes me think resting in my own back yard may be just where Im suppose to be. I guess I really need to keep focusing on today. I just keep bouncing out.

I may go to work tomorrow with my 24 hour coin in my pocket...

[TenderKnight]

Day 4 clean and sober.. I'm starting to feel alllll the aches and pains I've numbed out the last few months.. But you know, I am grateful for them. I'm grateful to be really TIRED and not just stoned or high or so friggin full of pain meds that all I can do is toss and turn and scrach my back until it bleeds or being tired and not being able to sleep because I took too many pills and am pacing my apartment.. I'm thanking God for the stabbing pain I get in my side every night toward the end of my shift.. I know that it is part of me and part of my life.

I talked with a friend in the Program today for an hour and half.. Really connected with him and it felt awesome. I am grateful for my life and being able to FEEL again.. The good stuff and the bad stuff.. It is all part of me and my life and I get to feel it again.

Meeting with my sponcer tomorrow and going to start my steps over again.. I am also going to try to catch a meeting, no.. Scratch that, i will be going to a meeting.. There is an NA round robin type meeting a block away.. I haven't been to an NA meeting in over a year.. I think that is where I need to be.

Thank you all for writing and sharing in this thread.. realtime Fellowship is vital, but this thread has been saving my ass from falling off.. Thank you.

-Tony

[LeftWriteFemme]

July 26



Keds

If I gave a child a pair of sneakers would I refuse to help them to tie them on? Would I want this kid to wear them open, tongues hanging out, laces dangling and dangerous? Or worse would I want the child to have to lug the sneakers around; the kid feeling the need to treasure the gift and protect it from use or wear? I hope that I would not be this sick, misguided or deranged. I have to say that I have given up believing in a crazy G-d but this doesn’t mean that I can’t drive G-d crazy with my insane behavior. I have to stick my feet inside my shoes and lift my foot for help and open my mouth to ask, then pay close attention so I can learn to do it on my own; all the while not beating myself up that I can’t do it already.






Treat adventure as a requirement for life



*


STUBBORN

When the donkey won’t move forward
It’s time to stop running
No need to make an ass of myself
Through force or coercion.

The dumb animal may be mute but its actions speak.
Reluctance is a warning.
If my animal nature is balking
Listening not shoving in the preferred course.

Super intelligence can’t best good horse sense.
I must stand with my intuition
That creature depends on my survival for life.

[TenderKnight]

I just wanna say.. Program hugs kick ass, in the very best way.. and it was a big group and i got like 20 good, real hugs

So glad I went to that meeting