Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[Contessa]

I really don't find it hard at all to be alone now that I'm older and wiser. When I was younger, it seemed I always needed to be in a relationship. I just am not willing to settle either. I guess I settled one too many times as a youngster..lol
I don't have a written list. But I have a mental check list of what I want and what I don't want..

There was a time where I too blew off my check list in favor of chemistry and that was always a MISTAKE!! lol

In short, no more settling for me. If I die alone with my dogs..I'll die happy with my doggies; smiling. Another person in my life would enhance, not complete me..

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by Contessa

I really don't find it hard at all to be alone now that I'm older and wiser. When I was younger, it seemed I always needed to be in a relationship. I just am not willing to settle either. I guess I settled one too many times as a youngster..lol
I don't have a written list. But I have a mental check list of what I want and what I don't want..

There was a time where I too blew off my check list in favor of chemistry and that was always a MISTAKE!! lol

In short, no more settling for me. If I die alone with my dogs..I'll die happy with my doggies; smiling. Another person in my life would enhance, not complete me..

^ 5 Contessa I told my kids take whats in the bank and the saftey deposit box and run >> the hell w. this beast of a house , let the EX sell it and wire u the money ~ stay together ~ I will always be close by ~ and I soooooooo agree someone inmy life would add to my life not complete me . I feel I am completed to a degree ~ I know who I am and how I got here ~BUT I am alwyays learning new things about myself as I change w. added wisdom ~

[Bells]

LOL I was just telling a friend of mine. I was going to be a lonely old lady living with a bunch of dogs ....

I just want somone who accepts me the way i am flaws and all. who will not try to change me. and who can be themself/theirself and not try and change to what they think i want them to be.

who is not afraid of a little hard work, and willing to work with me.
when they say they are going to do something... DO IT !!!!

I could keep going but I think thats a good start.....

Originally Posted by Contessa

I really don't find it hard at all to be alone now that I'm older and wiser. When I was younger, it seemed I always needed to be in a relationship. I just am not willing to settle either. I guess I settled one too many times as a youngster..lol
I don't have a written list. But I have a mental check list of what I want and what I don't want..

There was a time where I too blew off my check list in favor of chemistry and that was always a MISTAKE!! lol

In short, no more settling for me. If I die alone with my dogs..I'll die happy with my doggies; smiling. Another person in my life would enhance, not complete me..

[Blade]

Originally Posted by Kobi

If you have a wishlist for a partner/companion is it an ideal list or a
guide of sorts?

Have you revised your list to increase your chances for finding an
appropriate partner/companion as you have matured in age?

Do you feel like you are settling if you deviate from your list?

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well,
but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way,
can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? Or, do you
find yourself holding back in case a more suitable suitor comes along?

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

Yes over the years I have revised my wish list. It has actually changed a lot since I was say 40.

My wish list is just a guide. Of course there are things on the wish list that is a must, but for the most part just a guideline.



I don't think I am settling if I stray off of my wish list a little. Things change life changes I change, our needs change. I could enjoy the company of someone who didn't measure up but that doesn't mean I would be in love with them. Friendship is important, and dating is sort of a way to weed out the friendships from the possible love interests.

For me the bells and whistles and fireworks almost always come first. There has to be a physical attraction. I am at the age where well lets face it I'm getting long in the tooth and if I were looking for a partner, the pickings in wish list are slim and get slimmer as time goes on. I wouldn't settle, I'd just keep looking until I found Miss Right. Miss September is working out just fine right now so the wish list is all checked off at this time.

[Shystonefem]

Not going to settle.... if there is nobody there, Ok.... I love animals... I love laughter, I love free time, I love to cuddle, I don't want you to yell at me, I am not all about "floors you can eat off of" - the house is clean but will never be spotless...... I love life and I love adventure.

[Kätzchen]

Strangely, having a conversation on the subject of settling for less, within the context of type of employment or career/career goals, rather than within the realm of a romantic relationship, was how it all began for me and the person I am exclusively seeing.

He asked me, in a roundabout way, why I was settling for less (he didn't ask, he just submitted his idea, fishing for my response). I was glad for the opportunity to ask why he thought I was settling for less (in my former roe at work), and I submitted the idea that it is not always 'settling for less' or 'adjusting to reality', when in reality chances are that we run with what we've got and build on what we can and take steps to grow (or go forward) with what we presently have or take a chance when we see opportunities to explore new realms of life. I followed up with giving him an example of how I landed the job I had (at the time) and qualified my rationale that if I had not elected to participate in my former role that one consequence would be that we would have never met each other, at all.

That said, I feel that it is good when we have a good inkling of what it is that we want or might need (ie, list of preferences). But even on my best day of knowing what I want or need is not enough.

He was impressed with my ability to propose an alternate view on whether we settle for less or have any sort of settlement that lends toward a sense of satisfaction or adds to the sum of happiness we search for.

In my mind, all the ideas I have had about what I want or need have come into play, to a certain degree, whether the focus is that of an career or employment to the type of relationship one seeks and hopes to find.


For us, thankfully, it has been conversational topics such as the one spoken of here (ie, settling for less, etc) that paved the way for us to collaborate, while pontificating on subjective ideas, within an objective trained acuity.

I am grateful and feel blessed that he is timely in his process and style of communication.

Which is a big deal, to me (holding ones own as a communicator in communicating our ideas, needs, wants and desires).

[Violette]

Originally Posted by Kobi

There was an interesting article in the paper today about single women,
over 40, who are feeling the void of simple, consistent companionship in
their personal lives.

These women have had wishlists of qualities, characteristics etc. for a permanent partner
but have found few who measure up to their ideal.
As a result, rather than "settling" for less than the ideal,
these women have been going without.

Interestingly, I have matched a former partner's extensive wish list. I was shocked. Prior to this experience, I had looked a lot of online profiles and read some folks' wish lists and thought, "My goodness, you're never going to find anyone who meets all of those things!" It got to the point that I wouldn't even finish reading those profiles.

Now, they are apparently rethinking their wishlists to devise a more practical and viable
(and maybe realistic) list of important things in a partner/companion.

So, I am wondering the following:

If you have a wishlist for a partner/companion is it an ideal list or a
guide of sorts?

I have a few things that I think are needed for a healthy relationship. I'm fairly open about some things, but some qualities are needed.

Have you revised your list to increase your chances for finding an
appropriate partner/companion as you have matured in age?

I find that I get more refined about the qualities I find necessary. The more people I have gotten to know, the more I know about what works for me and what doesn't. So, the list gets revised, but it is in accordance to my growth.

Do you feel like you are settling if you deviate from your list?

I don't feel that applies for me. Learning more about what works and does not work for yourself and adjusting your list accordingly, isn't settling. I realize you are likely speaking of people who have long lists and just find the need to cut it down to be with someone. My point is that "lists" change, but not necessarily for the reasons you write.

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well,
but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way,
can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company? Or, do you
find yourself holding back in case a more suitable suitor comes along?

It seems to me, it's a good idea to wait for the one who might work best. Having said this, I've met much older couples (late 70's, 80's plus) who have done this. They are together for companionship and it's not really about the romance (not that older folks can't have wonderful romances, just sharing what I've seen--that there's comfort in consistent supportive companionship).

Is there a point, age wise, when you can see yourself letting go of
the need for bells, whistles, and fireworks in exchange for pleasant,
consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship?

As mentioned above, matching the former partner's extensive list did not make our relationship last. Behind the list is a human who has a way of interacting with you that may or may not work for you. It turned out, she did not fit my "list" of basic qualities that I need for a relationship to work for me. Initially, there was a lot of potential; she met those qualities. Then it fell apart. When things get real deep and people get triggered, sometimes they can no longer "hold on" to those qualities. And it seems, that all of those qualities that I matched, didn't matter in the end.

[Ascot]

I've probably referenced this before because they've been with me a long time, but two relationship tenets that I still carry with me, given to me by my mother when I was quite young and we were having "the talks" are this; your partner has to challenge you intellectually and they have to make you laugh. Intelligence and a desire to continue learning are paramount to me. When I was younger, I'm sure I said that it's important that one be well educated but I don't necessarily mean that in a formal way. As I've gotten older, I've learned that education can come in many, many forms. Ignorance is not bliss.

A great sense of humor is pretty important to me, too. It's one of my nonnegotiables. It's especially important to be able to laugh at oneself. I know that isn't always easy. God knows I provide myself a lot of fodder in that regard. Life is simply too short to be a sourpuss all the time.

I am not going to settle. I want to feel lust, tenderness, respect, fierceness, creativity, comfort, protectiveness, love. They are the same things I want to receive and inspire. I don't think any of that has really changed for me over the years, but now they have a patina.

[homoe]

It's not so much of a wish list as things that will attract me to someone and make me want to get to know them better. A MUST is a sense of humor. Life is way to short to take things so seriously! Secondly, a nice smile! I don't care how attractive someone may be but if they are walking around with a scowl painted on their face, chances are I'm not even going to notice them. Lastly, I would like someone who can carry on an intelligent conversation once the sex dies out, and lets face it, if you can't communicate how long will a relationship survive?

[C0LLETTE]

Geez homoe! I'm over here.

[JDeere]

I used to have a list of what I wanted but now that I am older, I have rethought about the said list.

Nowadays, it's all about

Honesty
Respect
Communication
Sense of Humor
Has to like horror movies