Jokes and things that made you laugh. - Page 4

Guy · 04-06-2011, 01:47 PM

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.

Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.

Janstevie · 04-08-2011, 01:33 AM

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Guy · 04-08-2011, 11:56 AM

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .

Thank you for shopping at Costco .

WolfyOne · 04-10-2011, 02:15 PM

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a
cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and
sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy;
and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to
you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

Janstevie · 04-15-2011, 12:02 PM

My girlfriends got a stalker, well she does'nt know she's my girlfriend yet.

tiggs · 04-15-2011, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guy

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.

Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.

I sent this joke to my wonderfully funny Husbutch, Hys reply:

i guess that would be ok cuz the napkin wouldnt be the only thing laying limp on his lap

Got to love a good laugh!

Starbuck · 04-15-2011, 05:45 PM

Two dyslexics walk into a bank and yell, "air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"

Janstevie · 04-16-2011, 06:49 AM

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

Tommi · 04-16-2011, 07:26 AM

Question to a friend.
If a girl texts you a lot, and jokes around with you and teases you, does it mean she likes you?
There's a girl I like, and she texts me once every day, or once every other day. She's always joking around, and when we hang out, she flirts a LOT. But she acts like that around everyone, not just me. Do you think there's a chance she likes me?
Answer
Maybe Dude!
Question
And she never sends mass texts to me, because my phone tells me when people do, so I feel kinda special

. She just sent me her picture.

WoW.

Answer
Hey Dude , I just got this picture

....uh oh

Glenn · 04-17-2011, 09:01 AM

Sometimes I just make myself laugh at my own jokes.I just made this one up.
The fairest femme in all the land was Rapunzel or so it goes..She was sought after by many chivilrous butches via telephone and email, but her homophobe family always kept her locked in their castle, and the neighbors only saw her pretty face from afar. Finially,One day, a courageous butch made it to Rapunzel's place and yelled, "Rapunzel Hey Yo! Look at me, I'm just your type!" Then, THUD! Suddenly, in a flash, our hero was squashed and could'nt breathe or move! Then Rapunzel screamed, "OH SHYT! I was so excited, I lost my balance, and and my tits went down instead of my hair ! Somehow, our prince survived the tit-fall, she let down her drawbridge, and they live happily ever after.

Janstevie · 04-18-2011, 09:38 AM

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

princessbelle · 04-18-2011, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janstevie

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

OMG...i needed that.

Good one. LOL

Guy · 04-18-2011, 07:48 PM

I went to buy some camouflage cargo shorts the other day but I couldn't find any

hpychick · 04-18-2011, 07:52 PM

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guy

I went to buy some camouflage cargo shorts the other day but I couldn't find any

hpychick · 04-19-2011, 08:05 PM

lionpaw · 04-19-2011, 08:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guy

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .

Thank you for shopping at Costco .

Ohhh!....This is such a good one that I am going to have to pass it on....Rofl...

~BluEydFemme~ · 04-19-2011, 08:59 PM

There are 3 guys in a boat. One guy says "Hey, I bet I can get out and walk across the water".
The two other guys are like "yeah right!" So the guy gets out and walks across the water to land.
The second guy turns and says to the third "Well I bet I can do that too!"
The third guy goes "Yeah right. Ain't no way in hell."
So the second guy gets up and walks across the water to land.
Now the third guy is baffled. He yells "Hey, how did y'all do that?"
"Just get out and walk!" say the the two on land.
So the guy gets up, steps overboard, and sinks right to the bottom.
The two guys on land look at each other and one says "Hey, think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"

Guy · 04-20-2011, 03:19 PM

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.

Oh My, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual

Janstevie · 04-25-2011, 07:54 AM

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

Guy · 04-29-2011, 11:02 AM

Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say, says Joey
Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?
I'll never tell
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her Father
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

I got four months vacation and five good leads!

04-10-2011, 02:15 PM	#64
WolfyOne Magically Delicious How Do You Identify?: Gentle Butch Relationship Status: Single and content Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minnesota Posts: 6,558 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22,052 Thanked 15,391 Times in 4,138 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	~A Cup of Tea ~ One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?" __________________ Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage --- Lao Tzo

04-15-2011, 05:45 PM	#67
Starbuck Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Oklahoma City Posts: 2,436 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,378 Thanked 2,148 Times in 756 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Not making fun of dyslexia here! Two dyslexics walk into a bank and yell, "air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!" __________________ To forgive is to set the prisoner free, And then discover the prisoner was you. Last edited by Starbuck; 04-15-2011 at 05:46 PM. Reason: Needed editing

04-16-2011, 07:26 AM	#69
Tommi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Usually "Hello" Relationship Status: Married and Bound to Tommi's kaijira (Ts_kaijira ) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Suthun.... California that is. Across the ridge from Laguna Beach. Posts: 8,151 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,621 Thanked 21,337 Times in 5,970 Posts Rep Power: 21474860	Special Question to a friend. If a girl texts you a lot, and jokes around with you and teases you, does it mean she likes you? There's a girl I like, and she texts me once every day, or once every other day. She's always joking around, and when we hang out, she flirts a LOT. But she acts like that around everyone, not just me. Do you think there's a chance she likes me? Answer Maybe Dude! Question And she never sends mass texts to me, because my phone tells me when people do, so I feel kinda special . She just sent me her picture. WoW. Answer Hey Dude , I just got this picture ....uh oh

04-17-2011, 09:01 AM	#70
Glenn Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Ol butch bones. Preferred Pronoun?: Old thing Relationship Status: Too old to play. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: :rolleyes: Posts: 1,547 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,602 Thanked 3,729 Times in 1,095 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Rapunzel Sometimes I just make myself laugh at my own jokes.I just made this one up. The fairest femme in all the land was Rapunzel or so it goes..She was sought after by many chivilrous butches via telephone and email, but her homophobe family always kept her locked in their castle, and the neighbors only saw her pretty face from afar. Finially,One day, a courageous butch made it to Rapunzel's place and yelled, "Rapunzel Hey Yo! Look at me, I'm just your type!" Then, THUD! Suddenly, in a flash, our hero was squashed and could'nt breathe or move! Then Rapunzel screamed, "OH SHYT! I was so excited, I lost my balance, and and my tits went down instead of my hair ! Somehow, our prince survived the tit-fall, she let down her drawbridge, and they live happily ever after.

04-19-2011, 08:05 PM	#75
hpychick Member How Do You Identify?: Feminine with a hammer Preferred Pronoun?: Girly Stuff Relationship Status: Jesse's Girl. She asked! I said yes! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Minneapolis! Or as I like to call it - Many Happiness! Posts: 1,364 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,387 Thanked 1,417 Times in 499 Posts Rep Power: 15817345	FAA at your service __________________ *~~greeting the world one cup of coffee at a time~~* http://www.waterfyi.com/wp-content/u...nn-300x168.jpg

04-06-2011, 01:47 PM	#61
Guy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 1,858 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,258 Thanked 2,574 Times in 889 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed. Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago. The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.

04-08-2011, 01:33 AM	#62
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

04-08-2011, 11:56 AM	#63
Guy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 1,858 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,258 Thanked 2,574 Times in 889 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor " " Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says. "There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper " So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer . He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results . The computer prints the following: 1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7) 3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer . 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better . Thank you for shopping at Costco .

04-15-2011, 12:02 PM	#65
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	My girlfriends got a stalker, well she does'nt know she's my girlfriend yet.

04-16-2011, 06:49 AM	#68
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

04-18-2011, 09:38 AM	#71
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

04-18-2011, 07:48 PM	#73
Guy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 1,858 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,258 Thanked 2,574 Times in 889 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I went to buy some camouflage cargo shorts the other day but I couldn't find any

04-19-2011, 08:59 PM	#77
~BluEydFemme~ Member How Do You Identify?: Fairy-Loving Femme Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: Waiting for that special Butch... Join Date: Feb 2011 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 732 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 214 Thanked 144 Times in 83 Posts Rep Power: 5392159	Stepping Stones There are 3 guys in a boat. One guy says "Hey, I bet I can get out and walk across the water". The two other guys are like "yeah right!" So the guy gets out and walks across the water to land. The second guy turns and says to the third "Well I bet I can do that too!" The third guy goes "Yeah right. Ain't no way in hell." So the second guy gets up and walks across the water to land. Now the third guy is baffled. He yells "Hey, how did y'all do that?" "Just get out and walk!" say the the two on land. So the guy gets up, steps overboard, and sinks right to the bottom. The two guys on land look at each other and one says "Hey, think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?" __________________ FairyGirl

04-20-2011, 03:19 PM	#78
Guy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 1,858 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,258 Thanked 2,574 Times in 889 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. Oh My, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual

04-25-2011, 07:54 AM	#79
Janstevie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Butch Relationship Status: single Join Date: May 2010 Location: England Posts: 1,814 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 112 Thanked 1,331 Times in 411 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

04-29-2011, 11:02 AM	#80
Guy Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 1,858 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,258 Thanked 2,574 Times in 889 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl. The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano? Yes, Father, it is. And who was the girl you were with? I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? I cannot say, says Joey Was it Teresa Mazzarelli? I'll never tell Was it Nina Capelli? I'm sorry, but I cannot name her Father Was it Cathy Piriano? My lips are sealed. Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then? Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get? I got four months vacation and five good leads!