Ask a trans person!

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

Hi deb,
Gemme and Dapper pretty much covered everyhing however I wantedd to add a couple of things from experience. One is because I am living in the same state as you now I know from experience that unless you are living in Atlanta findding a therapist with experience with this issue may be difficult. I know that as an adult I am having a difficult time finding a doctor never mind a therapist in my area and I wish I lived closer to Atlanta. So if Dapper can help in that area I would highly reccomend it. While your son is ahead of the game compared to most just because he has you and Ethan I believe that a therapist is crucial. If only so he can have someone to talk to that is not his parents. Especially in this very very conseravitive state. Hopefully you live close to Atlanta that does have a large LGBTQ community where he will have access to not only a therapist but possible some peer support groups so that he does not feel so alone.

As someone that lost my bio-family due to who I am I can understand your fear about your mom. However you are ahead of the game if she accepted the comming out as gay part that you expressed. Just as you will grieve the things you used to do with him and the things I am sure you dreamt of doing with him in the future your mother must also grieve the loss of her grand duaghter. All you can do is be there for both of them once your mom has been told. As for you having difficulty, if I read the first post right, with usuing the right pronoun and stuff I believe it will become natural with time and usuage. After all you did refer to him as her for 17 years so to switch to him may take time. If my bio-family can call me Alix after 47 years I am more than confident you will make the transtion with little effort.

One last thing I do suggest that you also see a therapist. You will also need to do some self care and maybe need somme help with the grieving process. While it is important that you ar there for your son it is also just as important that you take care of yourself and get any support you can find to help you through this. After all if you don't do self care and address how this affects you you may not be able to be ther for your son when he needs you.

He is lucky to have parents like you and Ethan that are willing to be there for him.

[Nadeest]

Between them, Gemme, Dappar, and Wolfsblade pretty much covered it, I'd say. I will say, though, that I do understand a bit how your son experiences dysphoria when you talk about certain issues. A couple of years ago, in one of my culinary classes, parts of our class had to be servers, on certain occasions, since that class was preparing meals for others.

We had to wear black pants, white, button-down shirts, and a tie, along with black shoes, when we were working as servers. The first time that I was a server, I hadn't been able to find female clothing, that fit the requirements, so I had to wear the male equivalent. I was very uncomfortable, and could barely function, that day, during class. Basically, I was barely able to take care of one table, where everyone else was taking care of three or four tables full of customers.

That was about the worst incident of dysphoria that I have had, in three or four years, I think.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Nadeest

Between them, Gemme, Dappar, and Wolfsblade pretty much covered it, I'd say. I will say, though, that I do understand a bit how your son experiences dysphoria when you talk about certain issues. A couple of years ago, in one of my culinary classes, parts of our class had to be servers, on certain occasions, since that class was preparing meals for others.

We had to wear black pants, white, button-down shirts, and a tie, along with black shoes, when we were working as servers. The first time that I was a server, I hadn't been able to find female clothing, that fit the requirements, so I had to wear the male equivalent. I was very uncomfortable, and could barely function, that day, during class. Basically, I was barely able to take care of one table, where everyone else was taking care of three or four tables full of customers.

That was about the worst incident of dysphoria that I have had, in three or four years, I think.

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this. It really makes me think.

I don't remember the last time I had to wear clothing that felt to me like it genuinely represented what would feel like "cross dressing" into the wrong gender. I wear non-gender-specific casual clothing a lot but haven't done actually female looking anything in probably 25 years at least.

It sounds completely disorienting.

[Nadeest]

It was, trust me. I was also, later on that day, coming home from class, treated as a male, by someone in an elevator. It did not feel good, at all.

[Gemme]

I found a story and while I am glad that this couple has found a way to get married, I feel that this is a step back for those who truly are trans and who truly are trying to be the person they were meant to be. I don't believe that transgender is a "loophole" in the system and I feel that they have taken the hard fought progress a step backwards.

What really kicked me in the gut is when she says, "Jacki is so authentic." This scenario feels as far away from authentic as you can get.

So, transguys and transgals, what do you think?

Christine and Jacki

In 2006, "Oprah Show" viewers met Christine, a mother of two who made a surprising confession to her husband, Joe, after seven years of marriage: She was gay. But she wasn't the only one in the family with a secret. Joe was gay, too.

During that episode, the divorced couple shared their story, from when they each realized their true sexuality to how the truth came out. Two-and-a-half years later, Christine appeared on "Oprah" again, revealing that, even though she felt most comfortable in relationships with women, she had gone back to dating men. "I really can't label myself," Christine told Oprah back then.

It's now been eight years since audiences first met Christine. She tells "Oprah: Where Are They Now?" that life today has never been better. While she and Joe don't have much of a relationship beyond Facebook, Christine has a new spouse -- and an intense story about what it took to make their marriage happen.

Christine's wife, Jacki, first saw her on "The Oprah Show." "When the camera panned over to her, my initial response was, 'Oh, my God. That woman's beautiful,'" Jacki recalls. "I would have never thought she was a lesbian if I saw her walking the streets."

After running into each other several times, the two began dating. Christine says she fell in love with Jacki's authenticity and proposed to her three years ago. The women were looking forward to being married, but there was a big problem: During the time they were engaged, gay marriage was not legal in their state of California.

"Even though we were fighting a good fight, I wasn't feeling very optimistic about it," Christine admits.

That's when Jacki discovered a loophole.

"I started looking into transgender. In the eyes of the courts, if I were to have my gender changed to male, just like that, she gets my Social Security, she gets my pension," Jacki says.

So, Jacki elected to have a double mastectomy. In April 2013, she officially changed her sex to "male" on her birth certificate. She and Christine soon married and just celebrated their one-year wedding anniversary last month.

"I was so overwhelmed that somebody would do such a thing," Christine says of Jacki's selflessness. "It was the biggest act of love anyone's ever done for me."

[Nadeest]

I don't know whether Jackie is male or not. I've never met the person, nor had any sort of conversation with them. Therefore, I cannot say whether Jackie is male or not. Nor is it my right to say. Every person figures out what gender that they are, and far be it from me to say that they are not that gender.

However, I do not care for the idea of claiming to be transgender as a loophole, in order to get married. That, to my mind, is utterly wrong. We transfolk go thru so much, in order to even be able to transition, let alone transitioning, that it feels utterly wrong for someone to simply claim that they are transgender in order to take advantage of a law.

To be utterly fair, though; I have to disclose that, being a preop transwoman, and primarily attracted to women (This is the state of what I know about my sexual orientation, at least at the present time, with my lack of data.), IF I happened to fall in love with a woman, and she asked me to marry her, I would do so. I would use my status as a preop transwoman (with my gender marker on my driver's licence as male), to obtain the marriage licence.

[Kelt]

I have only been aware of this story for about an hour and I have mixed feelings on it. I don't know these people at all. I did go watch the video link to the interview. I don't like tabloid tv so I stay away from this kind of thing normally, but this hits close to home.

My first impressions (subject to change if I learn more) is that this was for this couple first and foremost a financial decision. They found a loophole and exploited it to personal benefit. What is problematic for me is that "they" have presented this as a quick decision anyone can make that had all the impact of a nose job, and for them it seems true. When I say "they" I don't know what might be left on the editing floor, Oprah is known for sensationalism, etc..

Unfortunately, for the viewing public, this may be what they believe about trans* persons going forward without any more information. It effectively negates the torture most trans people live through in their efforts to find and define themselves as transgendered. I believe it would have been a much better representation of the "facts" to present the story as one about the lengths some gay couples have to gone to just to receive equal treatment on the marriage front, without tagging the term trans* onto it.

In my opinion (for the moment) that is what the actual story was, and the Oprah machine found a way to cash in on the current headline creating term of "Trans".

I will be interested to see what others have to say.

[Linus]

Ya, I don't like the kind of precedent that this sends. The rest of the world would see this as the reason why people transition. It feeds into the "men in women's bathroom" fear as well because they'll view it as a way for rapists to attack women by getting a sex change. They're celebrating 1 year but what happens if they divorce? How will Jacki feel then?

To me, the decision to do a medical transition should be for one's own self-existence and not for the benefit or detriment of others. And why not fight for marriage in California? Or get married out of the state and have protection federally while waiting for the legal system to figure things out? Given that this was likely a recent interview, it couldn't have been that long before California's laws were changed, no?

[theoddz]

I'm with what Linus and Nadeest have said, above. I don't like the idea of this setting some sort of "precedent" and I certainly don't care for the way that the "Oprah machine" has taken this and turned it into a sort of "shock TV" sort of thing. It smacks of the Jerry Springer effect. We're not freaks and transitioning is about doing a helluva lot of work on a very basic aspect of a person's sense of self (gender identity). I think we can all agree here that gender identity and sexual orientation are two VERY separate, but equally important issues.

I do wonder, though, if there is another side of this story that the Oprah producers didn't shine the light on, too, for the sake of the "shock" factor and the ratings game. I would like to know if Jacki's decision was based on the issue of sexual orientation or gender identity. When the word "loophole" was used, it made us all think first that this is a same-sex (sexual orientation) issue.

I think that, when we have, usually, seen transgender stories, the emphasis has (usually) always been on the issue of gender identity and all of the issues that one faces on the process of becoming who we truly are, inside. That's the way it SHOULD be, because that is what it is. In this case, however, the word "loophole" was (to me) "emphasized", quickly shifting our attention to the slant that some sort of "deception"/exploitation was involved. One does NOT change their gender in order to marry a same sex partner. That is clearly exploiting the gender identity issue to accommodate something far different.....sexual orientation. The fact that the Oprah producers presented it as such is a particularly insulting disservice to each and every person who struggles with gender identity issues. I detest that. Our society makes it difficult enough for transfolk, without powerful entities, such as the media, putting this sort of shit out there.

I don't like it.

I remember the "pregnant man" stories about Thomas Beatie, some years back. When that happened, I can't begin to tell you how I felt when some of the (more close minded) nurses at work would ask me, "So Theo, when are YOU going to have a baby??". Ugh. I still don't have the words to describe my anger and how flabbergasted I felt. Let me just say that it really, really cut me to the core. It was cruel, and although I fully supported Thomas's right to do what he wanted with his body and live the way he and his wife wanted, it DID have an effect on me. It wasn't his fault, though, unless HE sought the media attention and I cannot remember the details of that, whether he did or not. Thing is, the media can reinforce bad stereotypes and encourage idiots to hold idiotic views. THAT is what I fault. My point of view is that a person has the right to do what they want, as long as it doesn't hurt others. This hurt others.

~Theo~

[JDeere]

Shaving products? What products do you feel, is best for your skin type?

[Nadeest]

I simply use water, as given the fact that my facial hair removal is still not finished, I still need to shave each day.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Nadeest

I simply use water, as given the fact that my facial hair removal is still not finished, I still need to shave each day.

I am sorry and that really sucks! I am using a shave cream from Bath and Body Works lately and a 5 bladed razor, which seems to help get all the stubble from what I do have growing. I have major sensitive skin so I have to be careful.

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by theoddz

Thing is, the media can reinforce bad stereotypes and encourage idiots to hold idiotic views. THAT is what I fault. My point of view is that a person has the right to do what they want, as long as it doesn't hurt others. This hurt others.

~Theo~

Honestly, I have mixed feelings on the Jackie and Christina story. I do know the two of them. They are acquaintances of mine and friends of my twin sister. It is my understanding that they did not tell their friends of Jackie's legally male status. It was news to everyone when it was announced in the Oprah interview.

I remember when their wedding invitations were sent out and it was before same-sex marriage became legal in California. It was also before the Federal government decided to recognize same-sex marriage. I do know that Jackie has lived as a Butch for most of her/his life. I do not know if she/he identifies herself/himself as woman or male identified Butch or neither.

Like Theo and Linus I can see how their story can set a negative precedent for FTMs. I felt the same way about Beatty, "The pregnant man." On the other hand, people are entitled to do with their bodies and lives whatever they choose to do. I am pretty sure Jackie and Christina are not the first couple to find this "loophole." They are just the first ones to get media coverage. (Similar to Beatty. He was not the first pregnant FTM.)

In part, my own transition was political. I had lived my life as a Butch that expressed masculinity since a very young child. I never felt I was the same as a cisgender male. I also never felt that I was a woman. I did find it absurd that just because I could "transition" all of a sudden I could receive full legal status. Nothing had changed on the inside the person I was and am.

I have had the privilege of discussing gender stuff in the forums with many of you for a few years now. I have learned so much. We all have our own stories, ideas and beliefs. I may not think, believe the exact same thing you do but I have respect and regard for many of you. Again, thanks for sharing so much of yourselves and knowledge here.

[Greyson]

I ran into Christie the other day and asked her if she was aware of some of the controversy their interview has stirred up. She told me yes and their are pieces of the interview that never got televised. Her and Jacki were contacted by Helen Boyd an author and Professor at a university in Wisconsin.

Jacki did send a written response to questions Professor Boyd asked Jacki via email. I went to Boyd's blog site, en|Gender to see if Jacki's response has been posted and it has not yet been posted. However, you can read Boyd's initial blog on July 15, 2014 regarding the interview. Here is the link:

http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/?subsc...subscription-2

Finally, I did tell Christi about this site and thread and asked her if it would be okay if I posted here about our conversation, she replied "Yes."

[theoddz]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Shaving products? What products do you feel, is best for your skin type?

I seem to get a good shave by using Nivea for Men (Sensitive) shaving gel. I have a moderately thick beard and mostly keep my beard full and closely trimmed. I shave my neck, because if I don't, my skin gets irritated and I develop ingrown hairs. That's where the Nivea for Men (Sensitive) comes in.

I read somewhere, and I believe it was in a forum for transguys that hosted/sponsored by Chaz Bono, that shaving with multi-blade razors was not good for one's skin. At that time, I was relatively new to frequent shaving and didn't have the beard I now have. I now must shave every day, and sometimes twice a day, if I go out at night, due to an obvious "5 o'clock shadow" that I now get. Anyway, dear wife bought me an old fashioned double edged safety razor....the kind my dad shaved with when I was a kid. That gives me the best shave I've ever gotten, and though it's very easy to nick myself, if I'm careful, I get a good shave and very, very few ingrown hairs or "shaving bumps".

Oh, and if you ever want a really nice treat, go get a shave from one of the barber shops of "The Art of Shaving". I did that down at the Venetian Hotel, here in Las Vegas, where they have one of their barber shops. It was quite a wonderful experience, which dear wife treated me to, and I got the whole 9 yard treatment, complete with a hot lather shave and the skin treatment, by a professional barber.

I think it made my toes curl.

~Theo~

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by theoddz

I seem to get a good shave by using Nivea for Men (Sensitive) shaving gel. I have a moderately thick beard and mostly keep my beard full and closely trimmed. I shave my neck, because if I don't, my skin gets irritated and I develop ingrown hairs. That's where the Nivea for Men (Sensitive) comes in.

I read somewhere, and I believe it was in a forum for transguys that hosted/sponsored by Chaz Bono, that shaving with multi-blade razors was not good for one's skin. At that time, I was relatively new to frequent shaving and didn't have the beard I now have. I now must shave every day, and sometimes twice a day, if I go out at night, due to an obvious "5 o'clock shadow" that I now get. Anyway, dear wife bought me an old fashioned double edged safety razor....the kind my dad shaved with when I was a kid. That gives me the best shave I've ever gotten, and though it's very easy to nick myself, if I'm careful, I get a good shave and very, very few ingrown hairs or "shaving bumps".

Oh, and if you ever want a really nice treat, go get a shave from one of the barber shops of "The Art of Shaving". I did that down at the Venetian Hotel, here in Las Vegas, where they have one of their barber shops. It was quite a wonderful experience, which dear wife treated me to, and I got the whole 9 yard treatment, complete with a hot lather shave and the skin treatment, by a professional barber.

I think it made my toes curl.

~Theo~

Now I know why I get bumps when I shave! I will probably go back to twin blades to see if that works, I am not careful enough to shave myself with the safety razor, like you use.

Thanks for the tips as well, looks like some shopping for me, soon!

[JDeere]

Okay health insurance, anyone have any tips for insurance for transfolks? Or some links that I can read over.

Thanks!

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Okay health insurance, anyone have any tips for insurance for transfolks? Or some links that I can read over.

Thanks!

What are you looking for when you say "for transfolks"? Are you looking for coverage of transitional procedures? (Let me know if you find that!) Or are you looking for trans-friendly healthcare providers or what?

Health Insurance here in the states has gotten a lot trickier since 2014 and you are required to carry something, the fines are going up for those who skip and the window of opportunity for signing up is a lot shorter this year.

I've learned a lot this last year but I wouldn't consider any of it to be trans specific.

[JDeere]

Right now trans friendly providers. And then for surgical procedures.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Right now trans friendly providers. And then for surgical procedures.

It is all very complicated. If you want to PM me I can send you in the right direction for what you want to know:

1) information on the insurance system/how to navigate your insurance
2) State laws and where to find them regarding your insurance
2) how to find a gender therapist in your area/online
3) how to find a testosterone provider and what you need to do so that they will prescribe T to you.
4) how to find a surgeon and how to find out their criteria for surgery.
5) the barriers to each of the above.

I can talk all day about the above, but I don't want to ramble on forever and give you (or fill up the thread with), needless information.

If you have specific questions and are willing to tell me what state you live in, and what insurance you have, I can save you hours of research. For a small fee.

It is impossible to discuss these things in generalities.