For those for whom Mother's Day is not a Good Day

[Mtn]

I lost my beautiful, amazing, oldest daughter this past July to ovarian cancer, 2 days short of her 32nd birthday. I have been in major denial about it being Mother's Day, so much so that I failed to plan a Mother's Day Special for the little restaurant I run, oops. I was a "step-parent", but she was "mine". After she got sick, was when she started calling me "Ma". Sweetest word I ever heard. I would like tomorrow to pass quickly, please and thank you. I also recently had to send my mother to go live with my brother, after caring for her for over 20 years. Her dementia is progressing rapidly and I just couldn't keep her safe with me anymore, and unfortunately the transition is not going well on that front, my brother tells me she cries for me. I am grateful for the loving understanding people I have in my life (love you Syl) that are gonna let me take a pass on the day. Hugs around to all that feel pain on this day... and squeeze them (Mothers and children) if you can! PEACE

[Gráinne]

I always get weird and weepy around this time. My mother died April 28, 1996-yeah, two weeks before Mother's Day, and on her birthday to boot. She had cancer; one month from discovery to death. It was the nasty one that got Michael Landon and Patrick Swazey-pancreatic. I miss her a lot, and I can't tell you how many times I used to go to the phone to call her, before I'd remember. I did that for nearly a year.

She and my dad are both buried in Ohio, so I can't get back up there to "see" them.

My daughter is 12 and it still feels weird when the kids take me out. I have to remember that I'm "the mom" now. Their dad's mom is only in her early 60's, so we'll be calling Grandma, too. Sometimes I feel almost jealous that my kids' dad has both his parents and both his siblings, and I don't have any, plus I've lost two brothers. Irrational, but it's how I feel.

I'm already dreading Father's Day. My dad went almost the same way-throat cancer, two weeks from discovery to death! He was 92, and very ready, I think. He lived in Oregon, and I'm glad I got to see him before the cancer, when he was "with it" and able to get around. At least we had that last good visit.

Goodness, sorry for rambling!

[ruthie14]

Almost over... dinner done... mom watching the news. Just a few more hours and the day is done.

[ruthie14]

Well friends, I'm off to bed. This day has finished for me. It wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be.. which is good. No phone/text/email message from my former stepkids. They are grown and make thier own choices. I am not one of them. No way to adopt a child with my life the way it is. No way to really change it, so there it is. My annual whine! The one day a year I allow myself to feel really shitty, really angry, really sad and really empty. I can only allow them this day... for I need to be about the task of living day to day, and allow the positives of THOSE days, push out the negatives of this one.

I would wish that this day could be good for everyone, but since it isn't, I thank all those who have posted this year and last. For being part of each other's journey to healing and hope. For allowing each other the time and place to be mournful,sad and angry... and also to be encouraged, supported, and understood.

Blessings to you all,
Ruthie

[Bard]

Well Abigail called to sing happy mothers day to me and make me laugh.. I also got some very sweet texts from the guys at work and a hug and flower from my 1stSGT when we signed in at drill. Desd took me to dinner on the way home and I had a wonderful talk with Jenn my step- mom on the way home. I tried in my rater clumsy way to express to her what she means to me Bu I think she gets it.. when she and my Dad come for the wedding we are going to see skyler so I can show her the four legged grandchild..

[Apocalipstic]

Well, we made it another year!

Love to all of us! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoox

[ruthie14]

Feeling the need to bump this thread. Mother's day is upon us. I am blue, weepy and edgy. Trying to keep the positives in mind and the negatives in perspective. I know it will be better next week... but right now.. not so much. It just never seems to get easier.

Post your feelings, rant and rage. This is the place to get support. My wish is that some of us are having an easier time of it this year. If not, know you have my ear and my heart is with you.

Ruthie

[Licious]

Thanks. It is not a great day. She died 20plus years ago and there were mixed emotions there, though I did love her. I don't like Mothers day and sometimes other holidays too much and try to shut them out mentally every year as they pass. For those who recently lost their mothers, it does get better, but I think it never goes away.

[Rockinonahigh]

Mothers day was always about my mom and grandma,just like fathers day was about my grandpa.When I had kids I really never felt it was a day for me and it was ok.Both my grannie and mom are gone now so I do think of them on this day.My son takes me out to lunch or dinner or not but always gives me a hug and love you mom on this day(he dose this every day any how).Nither of us are scrooges, its just not that big a day for me.

[ruthie14]

Having a hard time. One of my good friends daughter had a baby last weekend and her other daughter is due this week. Another friend had a grandbaby born last week as well. Getting hard. Went out to get myself out of the house. I went to he farm market that I love. Bought some wonderful lemon/rosemary soap called bliss... all natural etc. Visited with 2 friends. Home and going to have some lunch and clean out my trunk. Party tonight. Tomorrow is going to be rough but at least I have things to keep my mind occupied for today.

[aishah]

my mom passed away six years ago (my dad also). most years the birthdays and deathiversaries are the worst. mother's day and father's day aren't quite so bad if i can pretend they're not happening. i can't have children and i'm deeply conflicted about wanting to be a mother, which makes this day difficult, too.

i honestly would rather just ignore mother's day altogether because emotionally it's easier for me that way, and it makes the day less painful. but i feel bad because it makes me not so conscientious about doing nice things for the other mothers in my life - my sister and my friend's mom, who has kind of become like my second mom.

[Miss Scarlett]

Yesterday i was telling Clay how much i missed my Mom and that i wasn't going to post in this thread this year...but i changed my mind. Instead of posting how much i miss her i want to post some of the fun things about her...

One year my baby brother gave her a copy of "More Dirty Jokes" by Mr. J for Mother's Day...i think he was about 13 at the time...Mom loved it! Only my family...lol

When we were in high school my big brother had the most infamous and extensive porno mag (Mom only allowed Playboy, Oui and Penthouse - all others were forbidden and he complied) collection in the neighborhood - Mom and i would about every week or so retrieve the collection and read them together...commenting about the articles & photos, laughing at the cartoons...

When my middle brother was playing American Legion baseball i found a pouch of chewing tobacco in his uniform when i was doing laundry...naturally it led to a discussion with Mom and some experimentation by the two of us...it was nasty...LOL

When Mom said she'd always wanted to try my baby brother and i were more than happy make sure she did...it was so funny...especially when Dad came home from work and caught us but he didn't find it nearly as funny as we did...LOL

We'd have really bizarre "what if" conversations...like "What if people had tails? What would be the etiquette?"

If one of us saw something really crazy on TV or in the paper we'd call the other to say "OMG quick put on channel ___ " or "Look at page __ in the ____ section of the paper!"

The awesome day we spent together the day before her law school graduation that began with us taking a Trailways bus from Charlotte to Durham and ended with a pizza and champagne celebration at her apartment...she was (as am i) convinced she tipped the Dominos dude $50 that night...LOL

When i was growing up Mom said if we wanted to smoke or drink do it at home so she knew where we were and didn't worry about us...She was a pretty amazing parent - giving us freedom that our friends' parents did not give them...her philosophy was if the parents made it ok the lure of rebellion or secrecy was gone...fortunately for her it worked.

She encouraged us to be free spirits...to march in our own parade rather than in lock step with the world...So it was really funny when i came out to my parents and reminded her of this...her response cracked us both up..."I didn't expect you would listen!"...LOL

So this Mother's Day i am not mourning my loss. Rather i am celebrating the incredible woman who helped make me the person i am today...and Clay, Honey, now you know who is to blame...LOL

Happy Mother's Day Mom and thank you!

[ruthie14]

Almost over... took mom out for dinner and that was lovely. Still having a hard time. My friends 2nd grandbaby of the week was born today.. a girl. I have to say I don't know which is harder, when my friends were having babies, or now that they are having grandbabies. I have not heard a word from my former stepchildren... didn't really expect to ... but I always have a tiny morsel of hope that maybe they will. Why I don't know. I wonder if they even think of me on days like today. Will let myself have a good cry after mom goes to bed. Don't want to upset her. She knows it's hard, but that would just be too much. Wish I had some vodka in the house. lol oh well, it is what it is.

[deedarino]

(((( HUGSSS )))) to you all...


When I was 7, my mom bailed. She was and still is a miserable human being, and I hate feeling obligated to call her. So this year I didn't.

[fever]

This is the first Mother's Day without my mother. She passed away last July 30, and I have missed her every day. I wanted to call her today and tell her how sorry I was for not listening to her stories more, for not calling more, for not sharing the special moments of my life with her.

But, I have rallied, and have decided to have a little section in the garden of the new house that will represent what she loved. Flowers and figurines. I look out at a beautiful two toned liliac tree. I am going to fix the area underneath so that every time I am outside, she will feel closer. Where she is buried is too far for me to drive to every time I want to give her some special talk time.

My own children? Oh, daughter came by with a card and a quick hug, and my son breezed in, gave me a plant and card, and went off with his friends to enjoy our sunshine.

So, I am sitting and watching House Hunters and other such shows so I can travel via my comfy chair. I am happy with my current life, and I know it is okay to grieve for my wonderful mother and best friend.

Blessings to all,
Candice

[nycfem]

Mother's Day today was not an easy one.
Family dysfunction and blow-ups.
I held my fragile 97-year-old grandmother's hand, as she shook and tears ran down her face. Her daughter, my aunt, yelled and read from a paper all of my grandmother's failings. My aunt J refused to return all that she's stolen from my grandmother's now nearly empty apartment. My uncle D yelled at me. When my aunt and her family left in a rage, we went inside and had tea and cake. Said my brother, "This all feels so bizarre." Yet he made me a nice cup of Chamomile tea, and I sipped it until it was time to leave.

[aishah]

i've been working all day because i am really stressed about money this week and i have to make a certain amount by tuesday and i'm afraid i'm not going to make it :\ i did call my sister and my friend's mom. my sister gave me a pep talk and i left a 'happy mother's day' message on my friend's mom's voicemail. i've been sad and stressed but...it's okay. i'm still here. tomorrow's another day.

[NJFemmie]

Mother's Day isn't as bad as it used to be for me. I lost my mom when I was 14, and the years that followed were pretty rough until I got older - and it got better ...

Each year I just light a candle, send a prayer and move on with my day ...

[Kätzchen]

Thank you Ruthie for your thread.

I’m a mother; and my own mother, as nice and sincere as she once could be, used to be a big part of my life until I learned how she betrayed us at our own expense. I still experience fallout each Mother’s Day. 💔

Mother’s Day can be such a cruel holiday.

Thanks Ruthie for a place to come sit and breathe during stressful days like today.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Happy Mother's Day, Mama. This is the second Mother's Day of my life that we can't be together. I miss you so much.

Remember how Mother's Day used to be our day, alone? My birthday only a few days away, or occasionally the same day. No dad, no sister, just you and me, the only day of the year that was just ours. We would do things together like bake, or when you were younger we would go to the plant nursery and plant things in my yard. Several years we went to the Botanical Gardens; remember the year we took a class on native plants? Sometimes we substituted Saturday for Sunday so we could do fun things like take a class or sightsee. Once we took the whole weekend and went to Callaway Gardens. We both loved the butterfly house. We stayed in a cabin, and you got suspicious when I let you beat me at Scrabble.

This year, I baked an apple walnut cake and thought of all the delicious things we made together in that Bundt pan. It turned out pretty well, but it was a lot of work. There were lots of apples to peel and chop, and stirring the thick batter was like stirring peanut butter. I twisted my wrist and bent an industrial stainless steel spoon stirring it; sorry about your spoon. I got that recipe from the New York Times. Don't think I'll be making that one again.

I love you. I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day wherever you are, whatever you're doing, whether or not you're a mother now. I will always remember you.