Is Marriage for you? - Page 8

Jane Bond · 09-21-2015, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Marriage? Is it for me? I would say YES. I want to be married to the love of my life. Right now, I'm single, I just haven't met the right woman YET.
Maybe one day I will find the Right woman for me.

Get a prenup, and best wishes.

MsTinkerbelly · 09-21-2015, 06:47 PM

I'm curious about something....

Of the 18 people who said in the poll that they had an alternate joining, will any of you now be getting married as it is legal everywhere here in the States?

Has anyone that said no they never would, gotten married since?

If you were married at the time of the poll, have you since divorced?

One of the arguments always used against us to deny equal marriage, was that we jumped from relationship to relationship, and didn't want/need marriage...have you found yourselves taking relationships more seriously since marriage equality passed?

Tuff Stuff · 09-21-2015, 06:58 PM

Shit,i'm thinking too fucking hard right now...let me sleep on it!

Fuck,I really need it...SLEEP!,I SAID SLEEP!!!

JDeere · 09-21-2015, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I'm curious about something....

Of the 18 people who said in the poll that they had an alternate joining, will any of you now be getting married as it is legal everywhere here in the States?

Has anyone that said no they never would, gotten married since?

If you were married at the time of the poll, have you since divorced?

One of the arguments always used against us to deny equal marriage, was that we jumped from relationship to relationship, and didn't want/need marriage...have you found yourselves taking relationships more seriously since marriage equality passed?

Interesting questions, I hope someone steps up and answers!

imperfect_cupcake · 09-21-2015, 07:49 PM

Me. I said I would NEVER get married. I didn't see the point of it. I said that right from the age of 14, up until I was 40. I didn't know that one day I would be in the UK getting married to a dutch woman in Amsterdam. Try jumping through the paperwork for that. It took us one and half years of solid admin chasing to be able to get the paperwork done for it. The dutch are some of the most officious people on the planet and they want 16 types of proof for everything signed and stamped in five copies from the highest government official possible. Canada doesn't do that kind of thing. They are more shrug your shoulders and say sure, whatever. Try getting those two systems to talk to each other.

But after I got married I totally "got" it. It's not two people living some prescribed life as other think they should, adhering to rules set out for them. It's not chaining yourself to something.

I didn't marry inks because it was expected of me as a normative. If fact, most of my friends "don't belive in marriage" and therefore didn't want to come. I had three friends at my wedding. That's it. No family. They couldn't afford to get there.

The dutch were great though. They helped me celebrate with no preconceived ideas about how inks and should do anything. I realised that married, my marriage, was up to ME to define. To have in any bloody way I and my partner fucking felt like.

Maybe it's because I've studied anthropology so I understand that marraige has meant vastly different things to different groups of people. People always think marriage is actually the way the gentry in Western Europe did it, the values and such around it. Poor people didn't get married that way. They just said "you wanna be my wife?" She said "yes" and that was it, you were married. And you *could* get a divorce. But the gentry couldnt. Rich people married for business transactions. So it was a contract you couldn't get out of. It wasn't about love. It was about money.

I've studied the history of Western European marriage as well. When it all started, in the UK anyway, round the 1600s. The actual ceremony I mean. It's because of the fear of catholosim and a way for the churches to make a bit of dosh.

Anyway, people have been changing and redefining marriage for thousands of years. So I get to make the rules for my own relationship.

So we did. We had our own agreements, our own ceremony and our own desires of what kind of life each of us wanted.

I didn't understand that you could have that kind of independence in marraige as long as that's what you both wanted. It's finding someone that wants the same thing. And that *is* the whole point of any commitment, regardless of civil marraige or not.

When my mom got partnered again, domestic partnership from living together for two years, he and she both went to lawyers and drew up documents that kept absolutely everything seperate. My step dad was never a dad to me, more like an uncle. Mom was the boss of her home. He was the boss of his. He never interfered with her decisions around money, kids or health. They still had a legal and biding relationship in the eyes of the law. They declared they were living together on their taxes for two years (even though it was just part time).

So no ceremony, but still a legal and binding contract. Dissolvable by declaring separation of one year. Which was no different than my divorce. The only difference was I called my partner "wife" and she called her partner "domestic partner" on forms.

Jane Bond · 11-09-2015, 05:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orema

I'm not getting married again. I was married to a man for a very long time and lived with a woman for a number of years and I don't want those kinds of relationships again.

Living on opposite sides of the park, lake or city is what I want, or even different cities would work for me. Spend a few days at her place, a few at mine, then off on our own. I like exclusive and monogamous relationships, but I need my own space and want time on my own.

I always thought a duplex with a shared back yard would be a great solution.

fever · 11-09-2015, 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jane Bond

I always thought a duplex with a shared back yard would be a great solution.

This is a particularly good idea if your partner doesn't care much for children, and you have 4 grandchildren. Yes, I am about to become a grandma again and loving it!!!!!

Jesse · 11-09-2015, 06:37 PM

Part of me would like to get married, but the other part of me would like to have a solid relationship with us each having our own home near one another. Seeing as I am single, I don't have to listen to either part! Lol!

imperfect_cupcake · 11-09-2015, 07:08 PM

Why couldn't you get married *and* live in different places?

CherryWine · 11-09-2015, 08:37 PM

I honestly don't know if marriage is for me or not. It's never really been a long-term goal. Not that it's out of the question, but I feel like I will know when I meet the right woman. That hasn't happened yet, but I'm still elated by the fact that we can get married in Mississippi or anywhere else in the country should we so choose.

Jesse · 11-09-2015, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Why couldn't you get married *and* live in different places?

If you are asking me, I could do both. Of course, mine would not be the only vote and I have not met many women who feel this same way. I would not have wanted to do this 10 years ago, but now it seems like the most sane way of being in a relationship, for me at least.

ProfPacker · 11-09-2015, 09:42 PM

I am beginning to think that having separate places might be the way to go for me. I was in a ltr (civil union) for 34 years. It doesn't hold the same allure for me anymore. I like having my own space and people and interests and then have a companion (with sex) to have special times with.

Angeltoes · 11-09-2015, 10:21 PM

I don't have any interest in a legal marriage. I don't care if the state approves or not. It's just a bunch of paperwork to me. Commitment ceremonies are nice. If I ever got that serious with someone, then I'd probably want to live together. I need space and alone time too, but it' nice to have your partner in the same house, I guess.

imperfect_cupcake · 11-10-2015, 01:45 AM

Oh I dunno, I think there are lots of us out there that don't m see sharing household drudgery as something romantic or condusive to having a meaningful connection to others.
Frankly, I find it *hinders* intimacy. And the more I feel like someone's house maid or mother, the less sexual attraction I have for them. I find domesticity *kills* my high sex drive. Dead.
I find that when I actually talk to someone about this, they tend to provisionally agree. And if someone whines that they want a woman to look after them, I am NOT the girl for them anyway. I love spoiling someone. As a divine and wonderful guest. Not as a responsibility and job. And I want the same back. I would be very happy with a marriage that respected my independence. I would fall even more madly and deeply with a person who did.
So I think there with people out there that it could work with. If they are looking to raise a family of kids or dogs or farm animals with, I'm just never going to be that girl anyway. So... Let's go traveling to Sarawak on Borneo instead. You know?

C0LLETTE · 11-10-2015, 10:22 AM

I've seen a lot of this world but somehow missed Sarawak. You're on.

BullDog · 11-10-2015, 11:06 AM

When I was younger I was in a 13 year relationship. We never had a commitment ceremony and didn't believe in marriage. I thought it was just something for heterosexuals. The fact that it could be legal someday was such a remote possibility back then, so it just didn't seem like anything I would ever experience in my lifetime.

I certainly have changed my views because now I absolutely want to get married and have that special bond and also the legal protections that go along with it for myself and partner. I absolutely want to live together. Living apart and married would definitely not be something for me. I want to share our daily lives together and I really love doing little things like going to the grocery store together or putting clean sheets on the bed and things like that. I'm not very domestic on my own, but I do enjoy sharing those things with a partner. So yes I absolutely want to get married and share our day to day lives side by side.

gotoseagrl · 11-10-2015, 11:52 AM

Much like having children, which I don't have, I think marriage is beautifully symbolic of the deep, multifaceted connection a relationship can have. There are many ways you can belong to someone, but I've always viewed marriage as the ultimate intimacy. Something to be earned. So sacred that I've been saving it for the right person, because I've always known it would only happen once in my lifetime.

Nattih · 11-10-2015, 12:28 PM

Yes it is. I want your regular, average, traditional, get married, live together forever, have kids, get on each others nerves but deal with it, crazy about one another marriage.

Its never something I even considered being "non traditional" about just because I'm gay.

MsTinkerbelly · 11-10-2015, 12:34 PM

Marriage definitely means different things to different people...I watched my own parents drift slowly apart until there was no longer a core of "we" in my family, and they divorced when I was 15 years old.

I work HARD every single day at making my marriage a living and breathing thing...if someone tells you they don't argue and things are lovely, then when the really horrible things happen, how do they suddenly do hard and crappy? I have seen my Kasey at her rock bottom worst, and she has seen the same in me...but the little things like waiting out in the parking lot at the grocery store so she can load the groceries, or my putting a blanket around her shoulders when she is too busy at work to get one herself...those intimate things we do because we love and support one and other, (for us) those things can't be done from 2 separate houses across town from each other.

When she shows me some stupid FB picture of a hedgehog in a tux while we sit and watch a game show, just to see me smile...I know I wouldn't want to miss any part of her life for a few moments of alone time.

But then, I'm a sap

JDeere · 11-10-2015, 12:58 PM

Never rush into a marriage either. Take your time to get to truly know one another.

As for me, right now, no to marriage. I'm not ready to truly settle down.

View Poll Results: What is your ststus?
I am unmarried in my State or Country	103	58.52%
I am married in my State or Country	27	15.34%
I have had an alternate joining which is not legally marriage	18	10.23%
I wouldn't get married if they paid me!	28	15.91%
Voters: 176. You may not vote on this poll

09-21-2015, 07:49 PM	#145
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,726 Times in 1,613 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Me. I said I would NEVER get married. I didn't see the point of it. I said that right from the age of 14, up until I was 40. I didn't know that one day I would be in the UK getting married to a dutch woman in Amsterdam. Try jumping through the paperwork for that. It took us one and half years of solid admin chasing to be able to get the paperwork done for it. The dutch are some of the most officious people on the planet and they want 16 types of proof for everything signed and stamped in five copies from the highest government official possible. Canada doesn't do that kind of thing. They are more shrug your shoulders and say sure, whatever. Try getting those two systems to talk to each other. But after I got married I totally "got" it. It's not two people living some prescribed life as other think they should, adhering to rules set out for them. It's not chaining yourself to something. I didn't marry inks because it was expected of me as a normative. If fact, most of my friends "don't belive in marriage" and therefore didn't want to come. I had three friends at my wedding. That's it. No family. They couldn't afford to get there. The dutch were great though. They helped me celebrate with no preconceived ideas about how inks and should do anything. I realised that married, my marriage, was up to ME to define. To have in any bloody way I and my partner fucking felt like. Maybe it's because I've studied anthropology so I understand that marraige has meant vastly different things to different groups of people. People always think marriage is actually the way the gentry in Western Europe did it, the values and such around it. Poor people didn't get married that way. They just said "you wanna be my wife?" She said "yes" and that was it, you were married. And you could get a divorce. But the gentry couldnt. Rich people married for business transactions. So it was a contract you couldn't get out of. It wasn't about love. It was about money. I've studied the history of Western European marriage as well. When it all started, in the UK anyway, round the 1600s. The actual ceremony I mean. It's because of the fear of catholosim and a way for the churches to make a bit of dosh. Anyway, people have been changing and redefining marriage for thousands of years. So I get to make the rules for my own relationship. So we did. We had our own agreements, our own ceremony and our own desires of what kind of life each of us wanted. I didn't understand that you could have that kind of independence in marraige as long as that's what you both wanted. It's finding someone that wants the same thing. And that is the whole point of any commitment, regardless of civil marraige or not. When my mom got partnered again, domestic partnership from living together for two years, he and she both went to lawyers and drew up documents that kept absolutely everything seperate. My step dad was never a dad to me, more like an uncle. Mom was the boss of her home. He was the boss of his. He never interfered with her decisions around money, kids or health. They still had a legal and biding relationship in the eyes of the law. They declared they were living together on their taxes for two years (even though it was just part time). So no ceremony, but still a legal and binding contract. Dissolvable by declaring separation of one year. Which was no different than my divorce. The only difference was I called my partner "wife" and she called her partner "domestic partner" on forms. Last edited by imperfect_cupcake; 09-21-2015 at 07:53 PM.

11-09-2015, 06:37 PM	#148
Jesse Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Transguy Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: single Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Central West Coast of Florida Posts: 5,204 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,866 Thanked 17,797 Times in 3,940 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Part of me would like to get married, but the other part of me would like to have a solid relationship with us each having our own home near one another. Seeing as I am single, I don't have to listen to either part! Lol! __________________ “You’re so hard on yourself. Take a moment. Sit back. Marvel at your life: at the grief that softened you, at the heartache that widened you, at the suffering that strengthened you. Despite everything, you still grow. Be proud of this.”

11-10-2015, 01:45 AM	#154
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,726 Times in 1,613 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Oh I dunno, I think there are lots of us out there that don't m see sharing household drudgery as something romantic or condusive to having a meaningful connection to others. Frankly, I find it hinders intimacy. And the more I feel like someone's house maid or mother, the less sexual attraction I have for them. I find domesticity kills my high sex drive. Dead. I find that when I actually talk to someone about this, they tend to provisionally agree. And if someone whines that they want a woman to look after them, I am NOT the girl for them anyway. I love spoiling someone. As a divine and wonderful guest. Not as a responsibility and job. And I want the same back. I would be very happy with a marriage that respected my independence. I would fall even more madly and deeply with a person who did. So I think there with people out there that it could work with. If they are looking to raise a family of kids or dogs or farm animals with, I'm just never going to be that girl anyway. So... Let's go traveling to Sarawak on Borneo instead. You know? Last edited by imperfect_cupcake; 11-10-2015 at 01:54 AM.

11-10-2015, 11:06 AM	#156
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,783 Times in 4,469 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	When I was younger I was in a 13 year relationship. We never had a commitment ceremony and didn't believe in marriage. I thought it was just something for heterosexuals. The fact that it could be legal someday was such a remote possibility back then, so it just didn't seem like anything I would ever experience in my lifetime. I certainly have changed my views because now I absolutely want to get married and have that special bond and also the legal protections that go along with it for myself and partner. I absolutely want to live together. Living apart and married would definitely not be something for me. I want to share our daily lives together and I really love doing little things like going to the grocery store together or putting clean sheets on the bed and things like that. I'm not very domestic on my own, but I do enjoy sharing those things with a partner. So yes I absolutely want to get married and share our day to day lives side by side. __________________ Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. - Rainer Maria Rilke

09-21-2015, 06:47 PM	#142
MsTinkerbelly Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 6,573 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,737 Thanked 22,958 Times in 5,020 Posts Rep Power: 0	I'm curious about something.... Of the 18 people who said in the poll that they had an alternate joining, will any of you now be getting married as it is legal everywhere here in the States? Has anyone that said no they never would, gotten married since? If you were married at the time of the poll, have you since divorced? One of the arguments always used against us to deny equal marriage, was that we jumped from relationship to relationship, and didn't want/need marriage...have you found yourselves taking relationships more seriously since marriage equality passed?

09-21-2015, 06:58 PM	#143
Tuff Stuff Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married Join Date: May 2013 Location: California Posts: 695 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 904 Thanked 1,319 Times in 506 Posts Rep Power: 9408453	Shit,i'm thinking too fucking hard right now...let me sleep on it! Fuck,I really need it...SLEEP!,I SAID SLEEP!!!

11-09-2015, 07:08 PM	#149
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,726 Times in 1,613 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Why couldn't you get married and live in different places?

11-09-2015, 08:37 PM	#150
CherryWine Senior Member How Do You Identify?: lesbian femme Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: The Deep South Posts: 2,491 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,060 Thanked 10,084 Times in 2,186 Posts Rep Power: 21474847	I honestly don't know if marriage is for me or not. It's never really been a long-term goal. Not that it's out of the question, but I feel like I will know when I meet the right woman. That hasn't happened yet, but I'm still elated by the fact that we can get married in Mississippi or anywhere else in the country should we so choose.

11-09-2015, 09:42 PM	#152
ProfPacker Member How Do You Identify?: butch/MOC Preferred Pronoun?: Hy/hym/hys but in circumstances like work and some other places she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: nj Posts: 1,365 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,023 Thanked 4,816 Times in 1,187 Posts Rep Power: 21474848	I am beginning to think that having separate places might be the way to go for me. I was in a ltr (civil union) for 34 years. It doesn't hold the same allure for me anymore. I like having my own space and people and interests and then have a companion (with sex) to have special times with.

11-09-2015, 10:21 PM	#153
Angeltoes Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Nunya Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Bernlandia Posts: 1,740 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,286 Thanked 5,525 Times in 1,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	I don't have any interest in a legal marriage. I don't care if the state approves or not. It's just a bunch of paperwork to me. Commitment ceremonies are nice. If I ever got that serious with someone, then I'd probably want to live together. I need space and alone time too, but it' nice to have your partner in the same house, I guess.

11-10-2015, 10:22 AM	#155
C0LLETTE Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Depends on the day. Preferred Pronoun?: "I" and "we" Relationship Status: Very good. Thank you for asking. Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Canada Posts: 11,501 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,676 Thanked 15,262 Times in 4,347 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I've seen a lot of this world but somehow missed Sarawak. You're on.

11-10-2015, 11:52 AM	#157
gotoseagrl Senior Member How Do You Identify?: old-fashioned queer stone submissive girl Preferred Pronoun?: mermaid, very lucky babygirl Relationship Status: Saltwater mermaid ♡ Join Date: May 2010 Location: CA Posts: 2,209 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,192 Thanked 6,112 Times in 1,726 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Much like having children, which I don't have, I think marriage is beautifully symbolic of the deep, multifaceted connection a relationship can have. There are many ways you can belong to someone, but I've always viewed marriage as the ultimate intimacy. Something to be earned. So sacred that I've been saving it for the right person, because I've always known it would only happen once in my lifetime. __________________ Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot. D. H. Lawrence

11-10-2015, 12:28 PM	#158
Nattih Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: May 2010 Location: always on a plane Posts: 174 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 285 Thanked 633 Times in 164 Posts Rep Power: 13046650	Yes it is. I want your regular, average, traditional, get married, live together forever, have kids, get on each others nerves but deal with it, crazy about one another marriage. Its never something I even considered being "non traditional" about just because I'm gay.

11-10-2015, 12:34 PM	#159
MsTinkerbelly Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 6,573 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,737 Thanked 22,958 Times in 5,020 Posts Rep Power: 0	Marriage definitely means different things to different people...I watched my own parents drift slowly apart until there was no longer a core of "we" in my family, and they divorced when I was 15 years old. I work HARD every single day at making my marriage a living and breathing thing...if someone tells you they don't argue and things are lovely, then when the really horrible things happen, how do they suddenly do hard and crappy? I have seen my Kasey at her rock bottom worst, and she has seen the same in me...but the little things like waiting out in the parking lot at the grocery store so she can load the groceries, or my putting a blanket around her shoulders when she is too busy at work to get one herself...those intimate things we do because we love and support one and other, (for us) those things can't be done from 2 separate houses across town from each other. When she shows me some stupid FB picture of a hedgehog in a tux while we sit and watch a game show, just to see me smile...I know I wouldn't want to miss any part of her life for a few moments of alone time. But then, I'm a sap

11-10-2015, 12:58 PM	#160
JDeere Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Transgender Preferred Pronoun?: He/him/his Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 17,752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 31,018 Thanked 28,870 Times in 9,718 Posts Rep Power: 21474863	Never rush into a marriage either. Take your time to get to truly know one another. As for me, right now, no to marriage. I'm not ready to truly settle down.