This side of Heaven

[Sweet Bliss]

you arrived on time
and into my heart

and inside my heart
a flower bloomed

the bud opened
you offered respite

i drank it in
never tasting hemlock

I opened further
inviting you deeper

you said
"wonderful, beautiful, delightful"

followed by
"but i just wanna f*** you"

[Sweet Bliss]

short of your expectations

long on your list of missed opportunities

add me to the line of women who fall just outside the 50 yard line

you need to be right

I want to be loved

I don't care who is right

you don't care you are loved

you learn lessons the first time

I can't get it right even after the third time

but I do get it now, I do, I really do

Again I have fallen, failed the test, I had to see for myself

I see that in my attempt to discover the truth

I lost you.

[Sweet Bliss]

April 30, 2007

Desert Roses

Keeping stacks of photo albums is not something I do. The way I see it is that if you can’t remember it, taking a picture won’t help. So I went through the snapshots in my head trying to remember five instances which I thought were memorable enough to write about. The first one was an 8mm film my mother had filmed when I was around two. I was running around my paternal grandfather’s yard showing off for my dad. Eventually he catches me, which was the point of the whole running around bit. I didn’t get to know my father, he and my mother divorced when I was three or four. I can’t remember if I loved him or not. I imagine I did, don’t all little girls love their daddies no matter what? Of course, the only reason I remember it at all is because my stepfather made the 8mm into video for me and I remember parts of the video.

The second was of me becoming a mother for the first time, at age 18, actually 20 days after I turned 18. In 1974, I got pregnant, graduated high school, got married, and had my first child, in that order. I was real busy in 1974. There I am holding my first child, I was one proud mother. He is my first True Love. He was so pretty with his big blue eyes and long eyelashes; everywhere I went people commented on what a beautiful baby girl he was. I got tired of correcting them, so I just said “thank you”. My son was born in Hawaii on Thanksgiving and my Hawaiian neighbors called him Maka Nui Nui, big bright eyes.

The third picture is of me holding my second child, my daughter, the love of my life. She was born on Valentine’s Day 1978. Yes, my children want to be remembered at holidays. The fourth snapshot is of the kids and my boyfriend standing in front of the giant anchor at Pearl Harbor. God, we had such a wonderful day that day. My boyfriend, was with us for six wonderful years. We went to several historical sites on Oahu that day, someday I will go back and see them all again. Since then my life has been like a Concord flight, almost at the speed of sound. Most of it is a blur. Mostly due to my brain injuries sustained in 1994.

The photo I do have and look at a lot is the one taken in Old Town a couple of years ago when my life long companion, and I were pretending to be tourists. It’s like a mini vacation for us. When you are poor working class, it’s the only vacation you are going to get. Just a couple of bucks worth of gas, two sandwiches and another three bucks for a couple of big sodas at Seven-Eleven, and we are set for our adventures. We visit our favorite stores, complain about everything being made in China, smooze with the clerks, look for new-to-us ceramic artists and ooh-ahh over the Native American handmade pots that we will be never be able to afford.

I am finally starting to learn to be grateful for what I have and not whine about what I don’t have. My companion is who I am grateful for the most. I have learned more from him than I learned on my own. The day I learned to be grateful was when he told me I was richer than King Louis the fourteenth, the Sun King. Now you must understand that I spent most of my youth in Europe. I have walked through the Louvre, and seen its treasures, I have been atop the Eiffel Tower in Paris, I have seen the real Mona Lisa. I have seen the tulip fields in Holland, and the miniature villages. I have been all over Spain and Germany. I have visited many castles, and stared at famous tapestries, paintings, sculptures, I’ve been around. So when I sat there, in what I consider squalor, and HE said I was richer than the Sun King of France, my immediate response was, “bullshit.”

So He proceeded to give me a list; indoor plumbing, clean hot and cold water on demand, a daily bath in warm clean water, soap, shampoo, deodorant, flush toilets, refrigeration, air conditioning, heat in winter, a two hundred dollar down comforter, a mattress off the floor, no rats, no mice, antibacterial soap, modern dental care, toothbrushes, toothpaste, fluoride, antibiotics, and that’s just for starters. So that very day, I became grateful for all the many modern miracles and gifts I have each and every day, and most of all I’m grateful for my Leo, my Lion King.

I think when we are looking for life mates, we are looking for someone who will love us in spite of our many shortcomings; B. O., morning breath, flatulence, and wrinkles. When you are twenty five and wrinkle free and everything is perky, and you can still hold up a tube top without artificial support, life is good to you. But after dueling life every day for fifty years or more, you realize that the odds are with the house, and you are not holding a winning hand.

Real love puts the money down not on the house, but with you. Knowing that inspires you to be your best, even if it means you can’t quite pack a pair of jeans like you did in high school, and you are not a Nobel Prize winner, you’re just a working slob barely making ends meet at the end of each pay period.

After my accident Leo used to say that I was like an orchid, that I was fragile and needed special care. He did his best to take care of me until I recovered enough to go back to school and back to work. I used to tell him that he was like a rose bush. Tough, thorny, and the more shit you piled on the stronger he would get. Recently Leo has changed his opinion about me. After seeing the obstacles I have overcome and how I just get stronger and tougher she has decided that we are both a couple of desert roses. Despite drought, pests, stupid gardeners, freezing temperatures, relentless sun, we are stronger than ever.

So what is love really? Love means saying you’re sorry and meaning it, making amends, and not doing it again. Love means respecting the one who loves you and being someone respectable. Just like the old Tammy Wynette song, “Stand by Your Man”, you have to stand by the special someone you love. Being tough enough to get through whatever life throws at you, and soft enough to be kind to each other is a primary requirement. The other main ingredient is to have a sense of humor, because sometimes that is the only thing you have going for you. We spend a lot of time laughing, at each other, ourselves and others. Getting too serious could kill you.

I have been looking at our portrait a lot lately, and wondering how I got so lucky. If you believe in destiny then it was meant to be. I believe in a cosmic committee of old women, who get their yayas by sending us off on a wild goose chase we call our lives. As I look backward at my life I can see where at each turn in the road their guidance lead me to where I am today. Sometimes gently and sometimes not so gently, and sometimes downright painful. But I’m grateful, very grateful to be where I am today. I can proudly say I’ve become a Desert Rose.

Me and Leo * 1993 to 2009

[Sweet Bliss]

Was all set to post and the coffee shop is closing.....

[Sweet Bliss]

tick tock, knock knock
She's at your door, it's late n' dark
is there room inside your heart?
Not her clothes
shoes
or art,
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
walked away from all she knew
is there room inside your heart?
Not her dog
a coat
or hat
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
are you at home, the porch light's out
is there room inside your heart?
Not her cat
a bowl
or spoon
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
mute, mocking treasures in your care
is there room inside your heart?
Not her books
a cup
or purse
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
kissed your forehead n' she spied
is there room inside your heart?
Not her toothbrush
jacks
or ball
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
turning house to home
is there room inside your heart?
Not for diamonds
silver
gold
just her love, inside your heart

tick tock, knock knock
are you at home, it's so dark
who is there inside your heart?
not her love
her song
her dance
where is love, if not inside your heart?

[Sweet Bliss]

Day by day I die a little bit more
day by day, you bite a little bit more

between dusk and dawn I retreat some more
between dawn and dusk you push a bit hard

baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.
unlearning to walk, unlearning to stand.

losing my self, my voice, my mind.
losing gained ground, gained strength, gained pride.

wondering how to turn back the tide.
wondering why i'm in a back slide.

Slippery slopes, fall in a moat.
slipping your mind, sinking my boat.

death at my door, feather bound
death in my hands, burial ground.

change is at hand, chaos abounds
next time

i

will not

make

a

sound.

[Sweet Bliss]

Like most folks, I've had my share of reality checks, the only difference between us is probably how much they were written for.......

[Sweet Bliss]

I long to hear your voice again
telling me about your day
Laughing with you, teasing too
oh, my love, how I miss you.

Dark curls frame your smokey eyes
draw me close, I clench my thighs
my dreams seem real, no surprise
embrace me til next morning rise.

[Sweet Bliss]

Flitting through my mind today
thinking bout' just what I'd say
if you walked up by my way
I heard a birdie, "not that way".

Humm, thought I,
what does she spy?
another train wreck?
another cry?

So I sat down beneath a tree,
feeling like I should breathe,
slowly, calmly, like a breeze,
to stop the shakin' in my knees.

As I watched the birds chit chat
I thought about if they like cats.
Then it hit me, just like that,
I can take another path.

[Sweet Bliss]

It's the new year, read somewhere that it's the year of the snake according to the Chinese calendar. Rumor has it that whatever you are doing on new years eve, is what you will be doing for the next year. Boy is that a scary thought.

Guess that means that again I will be adrift in a sea of change. Was sorta liking being in one place, and now that has changed, with another reminder that I will be on the road again sooner than I had hoped.

It's all good. I really enjoy meeting new people, sharing tips for travel and ideas for better simpler living. The toughest part I think is that in leaving this time my expectations are much less about people and more about what I can expect from myself. Look at it this way, how can we expect things from others, when we can't reach the expectation for ourselves? Kinda silly don't ya think?

So back to the drawing board, throwing out the bath water sans baby, gonna close my eyes and spin three times and point to the map. That's where I'll be.

[Sweet Bliss]

Teetering lime on crystal edge
grains of salt, Cuervo's sting
stars fall to disappear
wondering wishing he was here.

Skipping stones on silent lakes
lighting fires ringed with smoke
burning loins swollen lips
wondering wishing he was here.

Pulling ropes of hemp so taut
scrubbing off his touch so light
raw tender scorching tears
wondering wishing he was here

[Sweet Bliss]

For now, just rest, feel my comfort,
safe are thee inside with me,
Nest awhile, receive a peace.

Filling quiet spaces gently,
Lean thy head upon my breasts,
Warmed by strength,
Empowered with knowing,
The knowing of thee.

Trusting thy touch, thy voice, thy power
Safely harbored within my heart,
Encircled by arms warm and tender,
uplifted by souls sweet surrender.

Embraced by song, of souls entwining.
Feel in me the strength from thee,
See in me the power from thee,
Touch in me the center of being,
Join with me in explosive surrender,

Place your sword within my sheath,
Breastplate to breastplate shield to shield,
Kneel at your feet prepared to yield
Prepared for battle, knowing defeat,
Accepting none but one -
Defeat of fear.

[Sweet Bliss]

As i sit here on the front porch i can see the lights of the valley below me sending out their last bit of twinkle, letting me know that all is well and running smoothly. Somewhere along the Rio Grande River Valley is my precious youngest granddaughter to the south of me and to the north along the same valley is my oldest granddaughter and two grandsons. To my left, too far to see is Arizona, where my son is probably taking a shower and getting ready to attend his college classes and swigging a cup of coffee, straight, grabbing his backpack and heading for the University. My daughter is probably letting the dog out to tinkle just like Yoda just did, and as she stands in the doorway waiting for him to find the perfect spot, she is probably thinking about all the things she has to get done today before my granddaughter awakens demanding to be held and wanting cereal.

The moon is setting in the western horizon, a kind of orange glowing ball, it is sliding behind the west mesa as i write this for you. i'm feeling kind of melancholy this morning, not sure why. My ceramic Goddess is watching to the south, silently standing in the chilly air. She is simplicity. As i sit next to her i am reminded of all the women who have come before me, the women who share this time on earth with me, and the ones who will arrive after we are gone. The First Mother, what challenges did she face? Did she know she was the First Mother? Her DNA beginning the wheel of humanity, civilization, culture? Did she i wonder, cry at the birth of her first child, cry at the death of another. Did she mate for life or was she a member of a tribe where intimacies were openly shared with all? Did she bare her soul to the Moon or the Sun, or were the Mountains that sheltered her the foundation of her awakening sense of self? Did she intimately connect with the Earth that recorded her steps and passage, memorizing the details of each plant she tested, each berry nibbled and each fiber woven into the texture of her world? Did she have visions of a future she didn't understand?

Morning Sun is arising behind me, the mesa to the west is no longer sharing the twinkling lights of the valley. the roar of the freeway is getting louder, and the hum of tires and pounding of the asphalt is familiar and irritating at the same time... the quiet solitude of my childhood is a faded memory, i recall little of that time. The sleepy village in France, with the smell of bread baking before dawn can still be recalled in my mind if i concentrate really really hard. It was the only place on earth where i felt at home. Not knowing that it would be over 40 years before i would discover it was my the home of my ancestors. I want to see it again before my time here is done. I am grateful that my mother was an aspiring artist and created many works of art while we lived there. There is a painting of the little old lady with the stooped back feeding her chickens and ducks across the creek with her thatched roofed home behind her nestled under an ancient tree. The happiest time of my life was spent by that creek. Each morning upon waking i meditate as i drink in the visual reminder my mother gifted me.

While you sleep safe and warm in our shared nest, i remember when we first met. You were with her and i was with hym.....i was thinking how i wish i could walk in her shoes for just an hour, The tenderness and compassion and love you gave her so freely, expecting nothing in return showed me that the love i craved was possible. I never dreamed you saw the same in me until you shared your secret longing during our pillow talk time. Every moment spent with you is a jewel that i tuck away in my heart, the ease with which you care for me is proof that loving is a natural state for you, i'm so grateful to be a part of your life and receive the gift of love compassion and tenderness that is you.

When you awake i will pour your coffee for you in one of the Goddess cups i made years ago. Her plump figure, round soft breasts that feed the world, and the tiny feet she stands on tippy toe to kiss your forehead and bless you, will warm your hands as we sit out here on the porch sharing our morning thoughts, holding hands across the table.

[Sweet Bliss]

I don't even know what I'm doing today, plodding ahead, numbly doing rote tasks. I asked "why don't you help me? I can't move as fast as I did before my surgery, it takes me much longer to do stuff now." and you answered, "because it's your stuff."

Because it's my stuff.

Because

it's

my

stuff.

When you wake up and coffee is ready for you
When you come home and your laundry is done
When you come home for lunch and a hot meal is waiting for you
When you are tired and your back hurts and I give you a massage
When you have a headache and I rub your temples and give you a foot rub to pull your attention from your headache
When I bring you a cold drink and cool towel to wipe your sweat away when you do the yard
When I make your lunch when you work out of town
When I get you fresh ice water without being asked
When I put fresh sheets on the bed I'm not allowed to sleep in
When I paint the interior of your house
When I take out the trash daily
When I clean the 3 bathrooms
When I vacuum 2300 sq ft of floor
When I plant flowers, trees, palms, plants
When I sweep the porch
When I clean your truck
When I scratch your back
when I hug and hold you when you are sad
When I clean your man cave
When I feed your pets daily and nightly
When I provide first aid for you and the pets
When I cook giant omelettes for you and all the trimmings
When I clean up the yards after storms
When I clean up the yards after the tree guy makes a mess
When I do dishes and clean up 3x a day
When I clean out the fridge
When I pick up your dirty clothes and shoes
When I buy your favorite cookies or make them from scratch
When I fix your torn clothes, sew on buttons
When I do all these things and more

I say te amo,.......................not "that's your stuff".

You are right. yes. it's my stuff. Thanks for the reminder.

[Sweet Bliss]

I had no idea how true and painful those words could be until I heard them. I'm recovering from heart surgery, 8 hours of it. Will take at least a year, and have a ways to go. So I'm moving by myself, again. Lifting boxes, furniture, stuff. (Against Dr's orders) It's all just stuff. I don't want to leave it all behind. Omg, how cryptic is that.

Good grief. More truth stuck in my craw. lol, this too shall pass... really? are you sure? My inner self does not believe it.

So now my home is on wheels stretching 38 ft long. She is my Grace. My saving Grace. I have no idea where I'm going after I leave this current situation.

Maybe this time instead of following my 'Bliss', I will just live in 'Grace'.

[Sweet Bliss]

http://www.flickr.com/photos/17857260@N00/

Take a gander at Grace's new riser.... not done of course but maybe by the weekend?

[Sweet Bliss]

Some say love, it is a river

That drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger

An endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower

And you, its only seed


It's the heart, afraid of breaking

That never learns to dance

It's the dream, afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul, afraid of dying

That never learns to live


When the night has been too lonely

And the road has been too long

And you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snow

Lies the seed

That with the sun's love, in the spring

Becomes the rose

[Sweet Bliss]

I'm doing some thinking about what i think love is.

Taking another look at my list I see that if the person I'm with doesn't see what I do as love in action, then maybe there is something I'm missing. So I looked at the list, really looked at it and tried to be neutral. Not easy.

If I look at the list and see it as good breeding, good manners, things I 'should' do as the femme partner, the domestic half... then it's NOT love. It's just a list of things I do to express MY love. But it's not Love. It's just stuff I do. Stuff I do in the name of love. So if you erase the stuff i do. All that's left is the feeling. Maybe that's the love. The feeling. Not the doing. So if I stop thinking that the things I do are love, then thinking I'm not loved in return will be gone. That would free up alot of energy used to be hurt and angry over something that is not even happening. What could I do with that overload of energy? Maybe i could use it to get rid of other silly things I do in the name of Love.

Hummm. Food for thought.

[Sweet Bliss]

Ha. Finally figured it out.

[Sweet Bliss]

I saw your handsome face
next to hers
smiling at the camera
next to hers
skin to skin
next to hers

I saw the location
next to hers
you drew a picture
it was hers
it was precious
it was hers

I saw the end of me
next to her
I saw the end of you
next to her
never an us
next to her