Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[DapperButch]

I have commitment issues. I had a girl crush my heart freshman year of college, but other than that, I have no explanation for it. I always wonder if the person is the "right one", so I struggle doing the "full commitment, lets make this forever/let's get married thing". As you may guess, it impacts my relationships.

[TL1]

Mine is trust. I tend to pay attention to actions. (Actions speak louder than words) sometimes this is bad. A lot of times when I've thought something I was right. Because of this I have been known to walk away.

So yeah..... Trust. I'm working on it.

[randrum]

That I'm not good enough. Or worth the time/effort.

[girlin2une]

Originally Posted by randrum

That I'm not good enough. Or worth the time/effort.

I have also had this fear... there are past issues that may contribute to this, however, I am working on it, so hopefully with a little bit of faith and patience (on both mine and my partner's part) it will help...
In the meantime, I am in a happy place.

[McGeek]

I feel good enough, but broken..so im terrified to let down my guard

[catlady]

I've always had a fear being neglected or "abandoned" in some way. In my past non-romantic relationships, I've always been a "third wheeler" type of person. In my current relationship (which is my first), I still encounter the neglect feeling... feeling that my SO sometimes puts others before me... Of course I'm always the one who is overthinking

[CherylNYC]

I'm a runner. When my date/gf/partner says anything that sounds like commitment I invariably have to fight off that old panicky feeling and practice staying present. I do far better now, but I think I must have tortured my early girlfriends during the time of my life when it was easer to stampede me. Now I just warn anyone who dates me that they should act as if I'm a half-feral cat. You know- 'Here kitty, kitty...' And don't make any sudden moves.

Where does it come from? Oh, the usual bad family issues. And now I have extra baggage from losing two previous relationships to accident and illness. Those deaths certainly registered as emotional trauma for me. Now not only am I somewhat skittish in romantic situations, when I do get involved with someone patient enough to let me warm up on my own schedule I start having irrational fears that she's about to die on me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I'm a runner. When my date/gf/partner says anything that sounds like commitment I invariably have to fight off that old panicky feeling and practice staying present. I do far better now, but I think I must have tortured my early girlfriends during the time of my life when it was easer to stampede me. Now I just warn anyone who dates me that they should act as if I'm a half-feral cat. You know- 'Here kitty, kitty...' And don't make any sudden moves.

Where does it come from? Oh, the usual bad family issues. And now I have extra baggage from losing two previous relationships to accident and illness. Those deaths certainly registered as emotional trauma for me. Now not only am I somewhat skittish in romantic situations, when I do get involved with someone patient enough to let me warm up on my own schedule I start having irrational fears that she's about to die on me.

I so relate to this!!!
Mine I joke comes from lesbian dating PTSD.

I find it very hard to attach to folks these days and I need people who are patient, confident, and easy going rather than grand gestures, intense romantics, who like overstatement.
All of those things will make me panic and run. It comes from experience of being with very intense romance driven partners who need to be distracted by the butterflies of being in love - they need to have that constant limerance feeling. And when that fades, as it always does, they freak out and leave. Usually 6 months to 2.5 years later. Also their drug use (yes pot counts) or alcohol use patterns didn't really become clear until a crisis or heavy stress happens.

I generally don't make my mind up about compatibilities until I've been seeing someone for 8 months or so. I kind of need to see how we deal with stressful disagreements, or how are differences in values and goals clash, before I will start to actually decide something can honestly work.

Once I do decide, I am nervous they will discover I'm unattractive, or that I'm not as spectacular now the butterflies have calmed down for them. I genuinely don't stop having low level stress about them taking off because they are bored or disillusioned with who I *really* am and not the fantasy me they had a crush on when they didn't know who I actually was - until 3 years in. Because that was when it usually happened.

Plus the last 3 relationships ended with the other person fucking off with someone else.

And if one more person pushes me to commit faster than I am comfortable with because I need to know who they are and that they like me for me, and not and idea of me, and says "you shouldn't punish me for the shitty things other people have done" or says "but I'm different, I'm not like everyone else" (said everyone I've ever met) I will push my dinner up their arse.

I'm just terrified of getting involved with another addict of any kind (yes, pot counts), or someone who is addicted to "being in love with love" instead of being in love with the friendship they have forged with me through expereince.

[Shystonefem]

I was a runner, even up to 6 months ago. It took a while to work through the remnants of my last relationship.

My relationship ended in 2014 and I swore off dating, lol. I just had to go through what I had to go through.

I had relationship PTSD for almost a year an a half. I had a choice to either work through it or stay single forever. I chose to work through it.

The best thing about the work I did, I feel good about myself, I learned a lot about who I am and what I want and I now have boundaries whereas I never had them before.

It is the hardest thing I ever did, but I came out the other side and it is much better on this side.

All I need is Botox and I will be perfect. LMAO. J/K

[Demure]

I've been single for 7 years as I made a promise to myself unless I can be honest about my needs or wants and able to say 'what about me' then I wasn't gonna date.

I am by nature a carer and giver which was taken for granted but it wasn't really their fault as it was a defence aspect on my part. Give them what they want so they won't need me. Sounds cold but I mean as I'm very protective of my own personal space emotionally, physically etc. But problem was it came back to bite me in the ass cus the odd times I said I wanted a hug the reply was well what about you? Shocked that I had asked. Example in a 3 and half year relationship I asked for a hug 5 times.

So still not dating as I can't allow someone to be close enough for me to relax with them

[Kätzchen]

I can totally relate to the term (s) describing "relationship PTSD (R-ptsd)."

I think that I still experience R-ptsd to an certain degree, but I think it's more like an acute awareness of things I won't tolerate or won't allow to have any place in my life.

Things that trigger my own type of R-ptsd are items related to potential dates or person's of interest who exhibit what I call exceptionally revolting behaviors: Behaviors exhibited which denote anything typically associated with addiction or control issues. For example.... manipulation, overt or covert deception, or anything that even has a whiff of 'red flag' status will trigger me to take flight and run in the opposite direction. I can certainly relate to Cheryl and cupcakes experiences in life.

There's this social expression that I whole heartedly believe in.... the saying about knowing a great love and that once you've experienced something so incredibly wonderful: Like, it's not something that is replicated in the same way, ever again, because that particular type of relationship experience is unique to the two people who shared that special love, in that particular time and space in which it developed.

I'd also like to say that I've been a member in this community for a number of years, ss well as a member in the prior dash community, because it's a place where I can share facets of my life, the way i think ...with other members... so we can communally explore our way of thinking or by private self reflection or by adopting ideas or rejecting ideas or by tempering our personal cosmos with ways to process our ideas and/or beliefs. Ideally, that's why I've been part of this online community.

I'm not here to find anyone or any some-such thing. If I want to date, there is plenty of opportunity among my own small groups of friendships (here at home) to do such a thing. I've accepted dates from people I've known for a really long time. Conversely, I rarely accept an date with anyone I hardly know.... if ever, nowadays.

But I so relate to the relationship PTSD dilemma. I'm always interviewing potential dates. I guess one could say I'm typically in "interview mode" -- mostly because of my extensive life experience in casually interviewing people, seeking information to help identify the exact nature of what end result they're after (professional trade)... Or by interviewing people to add toward a body of evidence (for example, an scholarly study).

I am compelled to add toward this particular sphere of ideas, as it relates to relationship PTSD, because I think there's an awful lot of us out there who share similar experience (s) in life.

I think it's safe to say that I definitely have an developed sense of acute awareness of relationship PTSD. It's a feral thing, in many ways, for me.

And, I'm okay with that. I don't consider my acute awareness as fear of .... anything. If anything, it just helps me to examine my own priorities and to know that it's healthy to know what works for me, to ensure my own sense of safety, my own sense of pleasure, my own sense of sexuality or any number of things I dwell upon in my own private cosmos.

[Bubala]

Trust issues.... I'm a closed book... When I was young I strongly believed that "whatever you let people know about you they can and WILL use against you...it's not the question of if, but rather a question of when!".

In general I am a very kind, happy, warm person towards those around me.
For some reason that results in people opening up to me inexplicably and effortlessly... and that can be heavy and scary!

Friends tell me the strangest secrets.
Butches cry... yes they do, G-d knows why...
It is so awkward.... at times I wish to ask - what is it am I that ugly??? lolol
Guess your answer... they'd keep on chasing me... and I'd rip them open just like that just by standing there and not saying anything.... I still do not understand what kind of horrible witchcraft is it that i posses to make everyone feel.... something so heavy... it scares me. I'm a good caregiver I guess. lol ...and they just want a hug? lol

I'm warm and kind and nurturing...yet I remain a closed book...
Even Thor does not know much of me... Hy has seen the most I was able to share... more than any other human being...yet it's far from cover to cover...

At times I am ashamed of my inability to trust my inability to connect...
Life is a cruel journey... I'm a survivor... I'm a runner... a forever a refugee, keep on running always keep on running... I chose to only trust partially to the one who could keep up and run with me!

I run as if my life still depended on it... any attempt to stop might be hard landing and I'm still not ready to accept the challenge of cracking in front of another human.

[introverted1]

Having emerged from a divorce seven months ago (I have the dubious distinction of being probably THE FIRST same sex divorce in my state!), I have to say...as unattractive as this sounds, I have a definite fear of abandonment.

While I've begun dating again, my new relationship is a long distance one, which feels a bit safer to me- like a new relationship with training wheels attached.

I know that my fears will ease eventually. This is part of being human...we all endure transitions in life that scar us, but those scars fade with time.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by introverted1

Having emerged from a divorce seven months ago (I have the dubious distinction of being probably THE FIRST same sex divorce in my state!), I have to say...as unattractive as this sounds, I have a definite fear of abandonment.

While I've begun dating again, my new relationship is a long distance one, which feels a bit safer to me- like a new relationship with training wheels attached.

I know that my fears will ease eventually. This is part of being human...we all endure transitions in life that scar us, but those scars fade with time.

I am right in the same boat as you, the fear of abandonment. I currently feel very abandonded by my ex, even though we still stay in contact but she is sending mixed signals.

[RockOn]

I do not have any relationship fears. The reason is because I intend to stay single the rest of my life. I am not missing out on a thing. Seriously!

It may sound like a cop out to some ... maybe it is, I do not know. I do know I gave the issue considerable thought before I reached this iron-clad decision.

What a freedom!

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by RockOn

I do not have any relationship fears. The reason is because I intend to stay single the rest of my life. I am not missing out on a thing. Seriously!

What do you think you are not missing out on? I am curious to know.

[Soft*Silver]

wow, this is a good topic!I too have (r) PTSD....

my fears..

being left because I am frail. I have had a couple serious accidents, and some health problems that have stolen my physical strength. But I only want to be loved for who I am, and am not. This is my reality.

sharing finances. I wont ever do that again.

Infidelity is a former fear. It doesnt worry me any longer. I use to be possessive but I have since come to a conclusion that going beyond your relationship, if consensual, is not a deal breaker. My husband and I are in an open relationship. And if we ever find a third, we are open to that as well. I no longer need sole rights to my person.

not being put first..letting another have a space that should be mine. I had a HORRIBLE experience with this and its probably the single most traumatic relationship issue I ever encountered. It will never happen to me again. Since then, I have asserted myself and made sure I was the chosen one, and if I wasnt, I moved on immediately.

I think my fears were all addressed and resolved in this current relationship between me and my husband. I honestly didnt think I would ever get into another relationship. My track record wasnt very good and I was a wreck, physically and emotionally, when I met my husband. We started out as friends and he became my physical caretaker after my first surgery. He refused to let me stay by myself and slept on the couch while I healed. Not for long...his kindness, and compassion, his ability to love and soothe me, manifested such a love within me. Time and a good person, heals all wounds, and fears...

[cathexis]

Seems like I'm in the same boat at several others here.

Have big time fear of abandonment issues. Sometimes my Partner must take

measures to quell lashing out and panic. Thankfully, She has a strong Alpha

personality.

[AmazonDC]

Hearing her but not being enough to calm the storm left from time..

[*Anya*]

I keep thinking about what I would really like to put in an online profile.

You know, the truly real one but it would be negative because it would have all the things that I sm still angry about with my recent (gosh, now 6-months) ex.

This you will never see in any profile in the universe but here. Of course, I probably share too much but my ex would never in a million years look for or find this site, so really: no worries there. She sticks to her financial matters, FB and emails.

You may say say to yourself: gee, I did not realize that Anya was an angry person.

Since I dealt with my now ex for almost 4 years and since every day I read about another Trump atrocity, yes, I have felt pretty pissed off lately.

Scars? Yep.

Here goes, the (too) honest dating profile, not well-written, not in any particular order so I would never in a million years post it:

I am looking for a butch lesbian that loves to give oral sex as much as she loves to receive it (and I do love to give it).

For real.

Someone that understands that good sex and the connection that it brings can be the glue that can hold us together through all of the hard times.

Don't make me beg for sex. It hurts me and makes me feel rejected. It is so simple to say, "I don't feel well right now, can we snuggle instead?"

I love to snuggle. It is truly loving to communicate honestly. It is the most loving thing that you can do.

A butch lesbian that understands that butch does not equal dominant and femme does not equal submissive.

A butch that accepts that I am not a submissive.

It doesn't mean that I would not like a strong (when life calls for it) and loving daddi.

I am not a slave and never will be one.

A butch that does know how to communicate feelings, both positive and negative.

If talking about feelings is hard for you, that is fine as long as you are able to tell me that it is difficult for you. If I heard a butch that I was in an intimate relationship with admit that-I would sink to my knees in joy.

Don't shut down. Don't stonewall me. Don't leave me to try to figure out for hours what the hell I said or did wrong. Don't silently punish me.

Conversely, don't say unkind or hurtful things that you can never take back.

They build a wall around my heart.

Reading this reminds me of a Planet member that put on her relationship status:

Too angry to date.

I guess that I am or I am just still too hurt.

I accept that there is a big part of me that must, ok, does; feel that I don't deserve to be treated with loving kindness.

I accept that it is sad that on some level, that it felt right or normal to be treated badly and to keep trying to make it work.

That is the most important scar to heal and I honestly do not know how to do that anymore.