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Old 03-02-2012, 12:40 AM   #61
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Default Walk away

Sometimes people can say things they regret when so angry your mouth over rules your brain. But, I deal with it by just walking away and thinking before saying the wrong thing. There are ways to communicate if you think before screaming out hurtful words. Words are powerful and you can't take back what you say to love ones but can be forgiven.)
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Old 03-07-2012, 06:05 AM   #62
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Default

It depends upon why i am angry and with whom. i prefer to choose my battles. i'm a Libra and need balance. So if there is a way to calmly discuss things i will do so.

i don't believe in screaming or yelling. It's counterproductive. i believe in telling the other party i am angry and if able to do so will discuss it then. If not then i will let them know i need to cool off before we talk about it.

Sometimes there is just no way to communicate with the other person because you know they've made up their mind and will not listen to anything you have to say. Sometimes that type of person, rather than looking for discussion or resolution, is instead looking to feed off any attempts to discuss the matter or defend/explain yourself. (i see this at work a lot) This is when it's best (for me) to just walk away. When things cool off and the dust settles there may be resolution or restoration but that will depend on what was said/done. If the other person has been really nasty/ugly then the chance for that is less than slim to none.

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Old 04-01-2012, 12:28 PM   #63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adorable View Post

Anger is also fleeting. A feeling that passes, like all other feelings, AS LONG AS, I don't act on it. Unlike other feelings, it's one that by acting on it, will create more feelings. It's easy to go from a dust storm to a tornado and not know how you got there. (true story)
I love your metaphor of anger as a dust storm or tornado and it feels right—anger is like a hot wind that takes the breath out of your mouth.

But for me, anger isn't fleeting. If I don't express it—and I try to use my verbal skills—it doesn't go away, it goes underground, and emerges later as self-hatred. I internalize the angry person's view of me, and start to sink into a place where I'm not sure who I am.

I've learned to recognize that process, and my problem-solving skills kick in. I'm good at finding validation outside of the interpersonal dynamic where the anger arose, and I've found that validation from any healthy place can help me climb back up to a happier place.
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Old 04-01-2012, 01:31 PM   #64
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Default generations similarities?

Hello Leigh,

That must be so difficult dealing with your father who's the only one who can be angry and no one else can...

What was your grandparents like, any similarities to how your father treats you all?

Some times I've notice how behaviors happens from one generation to another...

Have you notice this or is your father behavior he's the only one you know of with all your realitives...

Sue


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I'm the kind of person where if I so get angry, I tend to repress it because most of My life thats what I've done. One of the biggest drawbacks about living at home with my father is that he is very good at making Me repress any anger that I may feel towards him, especially since his attitude is only he is allowed to get angry and no one else is. He has always said that if I don't like what he has to say, then there is the door I can leave. I've had to repress My feelings time and time again, so whether I'm angry or upset I generally keep it inside ~ I know thats not good but luckily after abit of time it goes away
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Old 04-01-2012, 01:45 PM   #65
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Default healthy place to validate

That is so true about finding that validation from any healthy place can help...

Some times I've notice its not always easy to find that healthy place to validate, especially if ones anger is stem from an extreme unique situation...

Also timing too, meaning how long does it take to find this healthy place to validate.

Have you ever been in that situation where you either couldn't find that healthy place to validate, and or if you thought you found this place, were you ever not understood?

Sue


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Originally Posted by IslandScout View Post
I love your metaphor of anger as a dust storm or tornado and it feels right—anger is like a hot wind that takes the breath out of your mouth.

But for me, anger isn't fleeting. If I don't express it—and I try to use my verbal skills—it doesn't go away, it goes underground, and emerges later as self-hatred. I internalize the angry person's view of me, and start to sink into a place where I'm not sure who I am.

I've learned to recognize that process, and my problem-solving skills kick in. I'm good at finding validation outside of the interpersonal dynamic where the anger arose, and I've found that validation from any healthy place can help me climb back up to a happier place.
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Old 04-01-2012, 02:09 PM   #66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sue View Post
That is so true about finding that validation from any healthy place can help...

Some times I've notice its not always easy to find that healthy place to validate, especially if ones anger is stem from an extreme unique situation...

Also timing too, meaning how long does it take to find this healthy place to validate.

Have you ever been in that situation where you either couldn't find that healthy place to validate, and or if you thought you found this place, were you ever not understood?

Sue

I think we all have at least one or two successful parts of our lives to focus on, when a bad relationship or some situation with a lot of destructive anger is threatening our state of mind.

I'm lucky to have a lot of external validation for my writing. I write web articles for a living, and my fine arts writing is well published and awarded. When I'm spiraling into depression because of anger I either can't express or feel (wrongly, of course), that I can't escape, I go back to my writing, and put myself in places where it will be validated, which makes ME feel validated.

So no, I guess I've never been in the situation you describe of not being able to find a healthy place in which to find validation, when stuck in an unhealthy dynamic of some sort. At least not in the last several years. In fact I literally write my way out of most crises.
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Old 04-01-2012, 02:21 PM   #67
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there so many ways and situations we can become angry in ..in work or a buisness situation i become very porfessional and articulate every word, at home w/ family i sat what i have to say and walk away .. w. my grandson i talk to him .. w. a lover . i get a bit fresh then I refrain .. till i'm not mad anymore.
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Old 10-19-2012, 06:30 PM   #68
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Post Writing

My reaction to anger depends on the situation. I can get hurt very easily. I also have a lot of difficulty understanding verbal instructions and certain social cues so I get confused and frustrated a lot. This can make communication difficult. I'm definitely a screamer if I get triggered so if I really want to help resolve an issue, I need to write down how I feel and communicate via letter or nothing I say will make sense and I won't understand anything the other person is saying either.
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Old 10-19-2012, 06:58 PM   #69
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Default

irritation, etc I keep my calm. Actual anger? I get defensive, upset, and more than likely cry. I don't do anger well. It's not something I experience much and never for long. but when I do feel pushed into anger, it's usually from feeling cornered, misunderstood and ignored. then I freak out usually by speaking very loudly and crying. I panic.

If it's really bad anger I go absolutely quiet.

If my brain explodes into a rage I either shriek at them incomprehensively or I turn and leave.

It really depends on who is making me angry though. My detached wife gets the defensive snot tone... then the icy silence... then the crying... then I lose it and start shrieking. She's finally learning to leave me alone at the icy silence stage, five years on...
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Old 10-19-2012, 07:02 PM   #70
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I tend to be calmer and give more thought to my words so that I'm clearly understood. Shouting and screaming never helps any situation.


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Old 10-19-2012, 08:09 PM   #71
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Default

There has been nobody who angers me much in a long time anyway. My kids are the only ones who I could potentially yell at, but that's so damaging to kids so I don't. If my 7-year-old won't listen to me I remove his favorite things from his room or tell him what the punishment is and that's usually effective. That's life when you have children. My anger is probably visible, but relatively calm. Even if someone is yelling at me, I walk away. If I express anger it comes out in snarky, bitchy or sarcastic comments, I may smirk and be silent or cry depending on the situation and sometimes I don't even realize what I'm doing until it's been done. I guess you could call it passive-aggressive. It's not constructive but that's what I do. I wish I could say I communicate my anger well, but like Gemme, my role models were not good. My background is also Italian/Latin and it's true that there is a tendency toward very 'passionate' expression in those cultures. I personally was screamed at constantly as a kid, but I was very withdrawn and didn't fight back very often. I'm jumpy and sensitive and I overreact all the time, but I let out anger very slowly. My passion is expressed in the bedroom instead.

Some people won't even analyze or be honest with themselves and have no desire to improve, but nobody is perfect and the first step, I think, is a willingness to admit that no matter how old we get we all need to grow and evolve and never think we're done changing .
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:20 PM   #72
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Default Hmmm.....

When I am truly angry...dark, blood red angry...I speak very softly....sort of through my teeth actually. You don't want to be around me or hear that tone....it happens seldom....very seldom....

I have noticed that when I am not living true to myself....when I am doing something that isn't right for me but I do it to please someone else, or just do it to get it over with...I can only lie to myself for so long then I explode....unfortunately, it is often directed at the wrong person...it should be directed at myself.....it has caused some problems these last few years.....I have found that physical activity helps......breaking 2x4's over boulders is great....lol.....some friends of mine suggest throwing raw eggs against a wall as hard as you can.

I have become ...over the last few years....a "yeller"...it isn't becoming OR productive...I've made some changes now that should aleviate a lot of what was causng me anger so....onward & upward, right?
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Old 10-19-2012, 08:58 PM   #73
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I am not one to get angry very often but if I do, I become very quiet and will most likely remove myself from the situation and say I can't talk at that moment and go somewhere and cry. Once I have composed myself I will talk with the person, speaking deliberately so they hear what I am saying and I in turn will listen and hear what it is they have to say.

The likelihood that I will get that angry is very slim as I am a communicator and like to address things before they reach the boiling point, so my calm easy manner serves me well.
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Old 10-19-2012, 09:10 PM   #74
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In my family, anger was never taught or modelled as being a healthy expression of how one felt.

I think this was especially true for the women in my family (three daughters--one brother--who was the oldest). Aggression (unfortunately, even physical) was sometimes ok for my dad and my brother, but I was one of the only one of the daughters of three, who ranted and raged as a teenager and fought the perceived injustices of my family. I actually think my *acting out* was better than one sister who, I think, internalized all her anger at certain aspects of our childhood and was fraught with eating disorders and a severe depression.

I still am dealing with the ramifications of being *that* middle child who rebelled. I think that teenage rebellion was, in part, being so frustrated, so angry, that there was no healthy means of communication to express any emotions about shit that happened in our family.


Every vulnerable emotion in my family was tight -- emotions under wrap (love or anger or hurt) -- especially as something as vulnerable and revealing as expressing anger. There were a lot of silences, unspoken words and tension in my childhood household.

Unfortunately, not having any ways to express anger, as a child, manifests into now avoiding this emotion whereby I sometimes suppress it or it comes out at random times in ways that are not accessible to a partner. I have, in the past, chosen someone whose anger is greater than mine (about life or whatever). It is easier for me to deal with theirs so I don't have to face mine anymore? Usually, I will choose to be with someone where I KNOW it will be really peaceful--whether they have anger or not--we both know to be mostly calm and no explosions and find ways to work around the usual anger stuff that comes up in relos.

So, getting back to the question--umm. I don't yell. I withdraw. Sometimes too much. But, sometimes, I need just a bit of space and secretly hope they come back to me and ask me about stuff and make sure I'm alright. That sounds a bit selfish. If they don't do that, I usually always crawl out of my hole and find a way to talk about it.
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Old 10-19-2012, 09:28 PM   #75
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I DID NOT SAY THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YELLING. NO I'M NOT!



That's The Gist Of It,
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Old 10-20-2012, 05:50 AM   #76
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Ahem.... I will be the FIRST to admit that I don't communicate well when I am angry. I blame my DNA. I am Irish, French and Italian....all bad tempers. When I am angry I need to process. That typically means I need to remove myself from the situation and settle things in my mind before I open my mouth. That works best for me since I do tend to bring out the big verbal guns when I'm upset. Giving myself time and distance gives me the chance to figure out what's REALLY bothering me. Chances are it's not even the situation at hand. That's why percolating is soo important.
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Old 10-20-2012, 07:10 AM   #77
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Kind of depends on who/what I'm angry with.

I'm not quick to anger, that's for sure.

My natural first approach is to communicate what has made me angry, why, and what I would like to see happen about it- or communicate the problem and see (if there is another direct person involved) what they have in response. End goal being peaceful resolution.

If they get defensive/yell- I let it be known I won't communicate like that and ask for the situation to be revisited when a rational discussion can happen.

If it's a situation with a person trying to provoke anger in me, I've learned to practice non-reaction. Which is hard because I might be reacting strongly inside but have made the choice not to feed the fire when it's just someone who is feeling a need to argue with me.

If it's an external situation over which I have no power, I remind myself that it's not a situation over which I have control and work toward accepting it and deciding how I will let it impact me.
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:02 AM   #78
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Originally Posted by BrutalDyke View Post
I DID NOT SAY THAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M YELLING. NO I'M NOT!



That's The Gist Of It,
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Great answer ^5....LOL
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:37 AM   #79
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I grit my teeth and spit out words. That is if I'm REALY angry.

I so rarely get angry that I don't really know my angry communication style.

LOL!! I have been told I turn into a sailor. I curse a lot anyway but I guess when I'm really mad, I come up with some doozeys.

Interesting thread.

PS...I've also been told that i get this really small smile. The Brutal One does NOT like this smile.
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Yes, I'm aware I can't spell, and no, I don't care quite enough to spell check. Sorry!!!
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Old 10-20-2012, 08:52 AM   #80
Ginger
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IslandScout View Post


I'm lucky to have a lot of external validation for my writing. I write web articles for a living, and my fine arts writing is well published and awarded.

OMG I sound so pompous LOL I'm really not.

Wow, I was in such a bad place when I wrote that post. I've moved since then, gotten out of a situation that was destroying me. I really was fighting for my self esteem and sense of value and hope back then. Now I realize it was there all along.
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