Poly Relationships

[Linus]

So are there any others out there? What do you do to make it work? How do you address distance, if it's an issue?

Share stories of success and not so successfuly poly relationships here.. and perhaps.. find others?

[violaine]

hi linus.

i found a pretty good article-

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

"... It's a new paradigm, certainly—and it does break some rules. "Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their world view," says Allena Gabosch, the director of the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture. But perhaps the practice is more natural than we think: a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships, whose shortcomings—in a culture where divorce has become a commonplace—are clear. Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need? Polyamorists think the answer is obvious—and that it's only a matter of time before the monogamous world sees there's more than one way to live and love. "The people I feel sorry for are the ones who don't ever realize they have any other choices beyond the traditional options society presents," says Scott. "To look at an option like polyamory and say 'That's not for me' is fine. To look at it and not realize you can choose it is just sad..."

i have looked at polyamory several times over the years, and wondered if the model could ever work for me. a few of the relationships i've seen and people in them, have successfully worked out [because they all do the work]. certainly, a level of honesty/respect for other partners would make this kind of [or any!] relationship healthier.

look forward to reading on-

best,
belle

[MrSunshine]

This has always been an interesting concept to me. I myself have reached a point in my life, maybe age, that this would work for me if the right mix came up. It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?
Look forward to hearing any stories.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by violaine

hi linus.

i found a pretty good article-

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

"... It's a new paradigm, certainly—and it does break some rules. "Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their world view," says Allena Gabosch, the director of the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture. But perhaps the practice is more natural than we think: a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships, whose shortcomings—in a culture where divorce has become a commonplace—are clear. Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need? Polyamorists think the answer is obvious—and that it's only a matter of time before the monogamous world sees there's more than one way to live and love. "The people I feel sorry for are the ones who don't ever realize they have any other choices beyond the traditional options society presents," says Scott. "To look at an option like polyamory and say 'That's not for me' is fine. To look at it and not realize you can choose it is just sad..."

i have looked at polyamory several times over the years, and wondered if the model could ever work for me. a few of the relationships i've seen and people in them, have successfully worked out [because they all do the work]. certainly, a level of honesty/respect for other partners would make this kind of [or any!] relationship healthier.

look forward to reading on-

best,
belle

Interesting. I don't know that it's a new paradigm. I think perhaps it's not a common one that most people think of because often it's associated to Mormon et al. concept of marriage. And it breaks down the traditional view of marriage and/or commitment.

I had actually been first introduced to this by K and as I investigated it more, I realized that there were a lot of things about this that made sense. When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc). We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc. So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

Ultimately, I can say that the choice to be involved in a poly relationship or not is up to the person. I won't say that it's for everyone. It's not. But it can be great for many and allows a primary or a group relationship to grow well, strong and provide an avenue for support for all (something that can be challenge in a mono relationship where the partners rely on each for all support).

There are some biggies that should be parament in any relationship and it's heightened, IMO, in a poly relationship:

1. Communication.
2. Trust
3. Unconditional love
4. Honesty (both the stuff that is nice and stuff that is harsh)
5. Openness

Originally Posted by Deadyboy

This has always been an interesting concept to me. I myself have reached a point in my life, maybe age, that this would work for me if the right mix came up. It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?
Look forward to hearing any stories.

I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?

I do believe it is about the right mix. For me, I'd love to find a B-F couple that would work with K and me (ideally loves furrkids and kidlets -- bigger the family, the better.). To me, I think it'd be the best option. For both of us, it would ideally address the desire/need for close friend for support (other than lover) as well as another to play with.

Would it be easier? I don't know. Depends on how the relationship goes and how well the five points above are met (they are needed in all relationships but definitely come out more in poly relationships). I had thought about trying to do a LD with a femme but... it didn't quite seem to work (although that might be more due to my schedule being wacky at times). K and I have discussed it and we have figured that it'd be best if it wasn't LD and if it was a couple.

Anyways.. hopefully others will post. I know of one transguy who has two wives and is very happy with that (although life has thrown a huge loop for him thanks to the economy but that's a separate issue).

Oh.. before I forget, The Ethical Slut is a great good and pretty much the poly "Bible". It's a great reference about relationships, even if you don't feel that poly is for you. I'd highly recommend it.

[MrSunshine]

Originally Posted by Linus

I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?

You must have misread that Linus. I said "I wonder if it would make life/relationships more enjoyable"? I'm just a curious kinda guy

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Deadyboy

You must have misread that Linus. I said "I wonder if it would make life/relationships more enjoyable"? I'm just a curious kinda guy

Ok. Now I'm really confused. The quote I referred from you have above has:


It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?

Either way... it can but it can also make things more difficult. If the expectation that this will solve everything... eh. I dunno. Can it make things easier? In some ways, I think it can (there is a support system around for everyone -- kinda like the concept of a commune in the past). It should result in greater communication and more openness on relationships. A lot of it will depend on how the relationship dynamic is configured.

I do think that it can open up more love opportunities because you can keep your primary relationship while having others that meet the needs that your primary (if you a primary/secondary kind of setup) is unable to or won't meet. It doesn't mean that you love them less but rather that you love them as they are and still have those other needs (whatever they may be) met.

Hopefully that makes sense.

[hippieflowergirl]

Originally Posted by Linus

Interesting. I don't know that it's a new paradigm. I think perhaps it's not a common one that most people think of because often it's associated to Mormon et al. concept of marriage. And it breaks down the traditional view of marriage and/or commitment.

i think it's our north american eurocentrism that makes us believe poly relationships are "new". the majority do tend to think they've invented everything afterall. (unless they despise it of course)

[Write14u]

This is something I've been exploring/reading about for the past year or so. I'll tell you one thing, though. Mention it to some people and they just think you're effing nuts.
In the past year, I've learned that yep, you can deeply love more than one person at the same time, and oh yeah, if both those people want monogamy, you're, umm, just screwed.

I'm looking forward to reading more because I simply just haven't had that much exposure to people who actually are living life poly.

[casey35]

I have to admit i have flirted with poly and it seems to work well for those who can share. As I get older I want to find an equal balance and if that can happen with more then one that be nice and if not so be it.

[violaine]

hi linus

i am going to respond to the sentences below in separate lines, please.


When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc).

yes, i do believe that for people with siblings/parents/friends- a variety of love can exist.



We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc.

again, yes- but the type of relationship i would know with a parent/sibling may differ quite a lot dynamics-wise from how i relate to friends, or a person with whom i want to be close to sexually even more so than family or friendships. friendships may turn into relationships or just remain on a platonic level.


So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

i can only write that i would not consciously set out to place how much love exists for my relationships family/friends/partner. however, i do have a comment about "unconditional love" - in general, and as i read and relate them to your "5" below.

i have set boundaries in my relationships- family/friends/partner. not exactly unconditonal if there are lines drawn.

thinking about a poly relationship involving clear-cut conversations [defined]and mutual decision-making, et c. how do these go hand in hand with a limitless love [involving more than two people at a time] ?

i understand respect, fairness, communication- listening/talking, honesty, and so on. the term "unconditonal love" throws me because it seems [to me] there's an implication of purity/without limits/perfection/unquestionable- love.


best,
belle


There are some biggies that should be parament in any relationship and it's heightened, IMO, in a poly relationship:

1. Communication.
2. Trust
3. Unconditional love
4. Honesty (both the stuff that is nice and stuff that is harsh)
5. Openness



I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?

I do believe it is about the right mix. For me, I'd love to find a B-F couple that would work with K and me (ideally loves furrkids and kidlets -- bigger the family, the better.). To me, I think it'd be the best option. For both of us, it would ideally address the desire/need for close friend for support (other than lover) as well as another to play with.

Would it be easier? I don't know. Depends on how the relationship goes and how well the five points above are met (they are needed in all relationships but definitely come out more in poly relationships). I had thought about trying to do a LD with a femme but... it didn't quite seem to work (although that might be more due to my schedule being wacky at times). K and I have discussed it and we have figured that it'd be best if it wasn't LD and if it was a couple.

Anyways.. hopefully others will post. I know of one transguy who has two wives and is very happy with that (although life has thrown a huge loop for him thanks to the economy but that's a separate issue).

Oh.. before I forget, The Ethical Slut is a great good and pretty much the poly "Bible". It's a great reference about relationships, even if you don't feel that poly is for you. I'd highly recommend it.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Hi Linus,

I think most people are capable to love many people, if they allow themself. It is a matter of being open, free from what society norms are, and enjoying yourself with many. For some, the concept is do-able. However, in reality they can't for whatever reason (boundaries of safety, religious beliefs, kids, and so on). Sometimes one partner can handle it, and then when the reality comes into play, they decide that it is something that they cannot support or participate in. No matter how much talking is done, good and bad, it still kills it.

I agree, if you mention this to most people, you get looked at like you have 3 heads. Oy.

Have you watched the series "Big Love"? Good show.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by violaine

hi linus

i am going to respond to the sentences below in separate lines, please.


When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc).

yes, i do believe that for people with siblings/parents/friends- a variety of love can exist.



We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc.

again, yes- but the type of relationship i would know with a parent/sibling may differ quite a lot dynamics-wise from how i relate to friends, or a person with whom i want to be close to sexually even more so than family or friendships. friendships may turn into relationships or just remain on a platonic level.

True but you do not love one sibling only and not the other, do you? It is a different love than what you have for friends, lovers etc. But it is still love, no?

So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

i can only write that i would not consciously set out to place how much love exists for my relationships family/friends/partner. however, i do have a comment about "unconditional love" - in general, and as i read and relate them to your "5" below.

i have set boundaries in my relationships- family/friends/partner. not exactly unconditonal if there are lines drawn.

thinking about a poly relationship involving clear-cut conversations [defined]and mutual decision-making, et c. how do these go hand in hand with a limitless love [involving more than two people at a time] ?

i understand respect, fairness, communication- listening/talking, honesty, and so on. the term "unconditonal love" throws me because it seems [to me] there's an implication of purity/without limits/perfection/unquestionable- love.


best,
belle

My apologies. Unconditional love wasn't the right term I was thinking of. Unlimited love, perhaps? The idea that love isn't kept to one person is what I was poorly attempting to get at. Boundaries certainly are needed (e.g., will not accept abuse). But limiting ourselves to just one person to get more than platonic love can be limiting.

Does this mean everyone should do it? No. I don't believe we're all hardwired for this nor do we all experience the same history to be able to do this. But it is there for those who do feel it can be part of their lives.

[~baby~doll~]

Originally Posted by Linus

So are there any others out there? What do you do to make it work? How do you address distance, if it's an issue?
Share stories of success and not so successfully poly relationships here.. and perhaps.. find others?

A response to the OP
I have been part of a poly family for years. Some of the partners have changed along the way but the core of two has always been. :P
We have found the best way to begin is with relationship, not just surface hellos and smiles of acquaintances, but real substance, depth and relational intimacy. It is important to be able to feel comfortable sharing. Our goal is to create a bonding spirit between women which is the foundation for trust and the next step sexual intimacy. Though the sexual is side is wondrous it is only a small part of what we are as family, sisters, friends and lovers. We like to feel unified, joined at the hip.
There have been times when we rushed the process over what seemed a sexual urgency and failed miserably ending the experience with hurt making us wonder if it is all worth it. In the end it has been more a positive experience in the intimate workings of relationship. It is the hive effect.
We have found there is nothing better than a family of women walking through life together. We are so close having one away is like missing something central to self. At present there are four of us. This seems a good number for household workability. We do believe the number could be a bit larger.
I find, for me it is the ultimate growing canvas. In knowing and loving these sisters I have grown by leaps. Hugs

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by fayedoll

A response to the OP
I have been part of a poly family for years. Some of the partners have changed along the way but the core of two has always been. :P
We have found the best way to begin is with relationship, not just surface hellos and smiles of acquaintances, but real substance, depth and relational intimacy. It is important to be able to feel comfortable sharing. Our goal is to create a bonding spirit between women which is the foundation for trust and the next step sexual intimacy. Though the sexual is side is wondrous it is only a small part of what we are as family, sisters, friends and lovers. We like to feel unified, joined at the hip.
There have been times when we rushed the process over what seemed a sexual urgency and failed miserably ending the experience with hurt making us wonder if it is all worth it. In the end it has been more a positive experience in the intimate workings of relationship. It is the hive effect.
We have found there is nothing better than a family of women walking through life together. We are so close having one away is like missing something central to self. At present there are four of us. This seems a good number for household workability. We do believe the number could be a bit larger.
I find, for me it is the ultimate growing canvas. In knowing and loving these sisters I have grown by leaps. Hugs

I'm just curious about the core two. Are these the original partners who bring others in? I'm assuming you're part of the core two so is the other dominant? The others that come in... are they dominant or submissive or does it matter?

I'm curious because at one time I had 3 live-in slaves. People called us poly but I viewed it as me have a stable of slaves. I made the rules, I decided the overall dynamic of everything. They could not freely exchange sexually with each other. They were all property.

BDSM Poly is kind of complicated think.

[~baby~doll~]

Originally Posted by Sachita

I'm just curious about the core two. Are these the original partners who bring others in? I'm assuming you're part of the core two so is the other dominant? The others that come in... are they dominant or submissive or does it matter?

I'm curious because at one time I had 3 live-in slaves. People called us poly but I viewed it as me have a stable of slaves. I made the rules, I decided the overall dynamic of everything. They could not freely exchange sexually with each other. They were all property.

BDSM Poly is kind of complicated think.

The core two have been Helen and I. We were part of a women's commune in the early 70's. Out of the six remaining from the commune three of us are now together. Bringing new people to interact with the family is done by both of us. We will meet women who show and interest in the lifestyle and first we do relationship building. If the interest grows and it feels like a fit Helen makes all those decisions. She will ask and we can begin dialoguing in that direction. There are times when she will just have me sit when she will make love with someone new. This is okay if it is what she wants.
Helen is a true Domme and I always bow to her sexual needs as she always fills mine. We have had a number of different partners added in over the years one couple was with us six years. Now there are four of us and in the lower flat we rent to another couple who are BDSM as well and the Domme is asking Helen question's about joining us. If Helen thinks it's good it will be done.

[Loren_Q]

Originally Posted by Linus

So are there any others out there? What do you do to make it work? How do you address distance, if it's an issue?

Share stories of success and not so successfuly poly relationships here.. and perhaps.. find others?

*Raises hand* Yup, I'm in that responsible non-monogamy category.

My primary partner and I started out with an open relationship, neither of us believing one person can (or should) completely fulfill the other.

FTR, we've been together over 25 years. The way we make it work is by communicating... a lot. By being honest about our desires, by deciding together what can be fulfilled outside and by respecting each others boundaries. We also have agreements we can both live with. Those agreements have changed over time, but then again, so have we.

There are things she wants that I'm piss-poor at, why shouldn't she get that fulfilled in a meaningful way instead of the grudgingly half-assed way I'd probably handle it. And vice-versa, I have needs/wants that she's not into.

I lean toward having an other-significant-other who fulfills a good portion (or all) of BDSM needs/desires; While that OSO relationship is based in BDSM (play and sex) it is romantic as well.

BTW, I use other-significant-other because I dislike the term 'secondary'.

There are also a few play partners in my life. They're friends first, with the occasional foray into SM. Almost all of my play partners have a primary relationship as well. These relationships work because we're friends and look out for one another.

To me successful means we're able to and want to be friends even if the romantic/sexual/etc. relationship has ended. That being said, I've been pretty lucky, there's only one where I'd rather not be friends with.

On the not so successful side, well, it's like any relationship, sometimes people grow apart, sometimes one person (or both) violates agreements, sometimes things just don't work out.