Poly Relationships

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

I am having some interesting and growth provoking experiences already in my journey into polyamory. Because this is all new and I started out single, I am mostly just dating. I could be called a solo polyamorist. What makes my situation different then just plain dating is that am open to multiple lovers and open to the possibilities of those relationships evolving into something deeper and long-lasting. The people I become involved with must understand and agree to these terms. I love the openness and clarity of it all. I am challenged to put my communication skills to work in ways that are still unfamiliar and a little uncomfortable at times, just because it is new. But the result is satisfying.

There have been a couple of bumps in the road already, that are being overcome. An ongoing lover who I believe to have longer-term potential is a very busy person and I got lost in the shuffle over the holidays, there was miscommunication when she thought we had spoken about something when in fact, I was left dangling. I didn't like it and I had to let her know. It was awkward for me but I did it and I'm glad I did. She's sorry and feels badly that the circumstances did not reflect my importance to her. I am valuable. My time is valuable. My relationships need to reflect that.

It was also awkward for me to tell her that I'm about to go on a date with someone new. All of this openness is not second-nature. Society breeds it out of us and we have to work hard to re-learn it. So glad I'm making the effort.

Hi there!

Thank you so much for sharing this. i thing i have learned is that communication and 100% honesty, which includes divulging ALL that needs to be divulged is KEY to poly. Those little bumps need to be nipped in the bud to avoid a full blown problem down the line.

i have a rule that i talk about sometimes. It's kind of a 2 day thing. If something is bothering me after a couple of days, i need to talk about it. i sometimes have a knee jerk reaction to things, and i am trying to work on that. i am also working on not taking other people's behaviors personally.

Holding back on what needs to be discussed is damaging. Hearing the truth can be painful, but anything less will only make matters worse.

[Ms. Meander]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Hi there!

Thank you so much for sharing this. i thing i have learned is that communication and 100% honesty, which includes divulging ALL that needs to be divulged is KEY to poly. Those little bumps need to be nipped in the bud to avoid a full blown problem down the line.

i have a rule that i talk about sometimes. It's kind of a 2 day thing. If something is bothering me after a couple of days, i need to talk about it. i sometimes have a knee jerk reaction to things, and i am trying to work on that. i am also working on not taking other people's behaviors personally.

Holding back on what needs to be discussed is damaging. Hearing the truth can be painful, but anything less will only make matters worse.

I like the two day rule idea. For me it's more about holding back but I do like to take some time and check my own motives. Trouble comes when I wait too long.

What I'm finding interesting, in my case, is that I am dating. Anything I have going on is still new. But I'm finding that my old "dating rules" do not all apply. There is much more intention and a little less "waiting to see what happens". I am finding it necessary to communicate in ways I normally wouldn't so early in a relationship - in order to nip things in the bud, as you say, or really get things off on the right foot. It may seem as if some spontaneity is taken away but in reality, it is liberating.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

I like the two day rule idea. For me it's more about holding back but I do like to take some time and check my own motives. Trouble comes when I wait too long.

What I'm finding interesting, in my case, is that I am dating. Anything I have going on is still new. But I'm finding that my old "dating rules" do not all apply. There is much more intention and a little less "waiting to see what happens". I am finding it necessary to communicate in ways I normally wouldn't so early in a relationship - in order to nip things in the bud, as you say, or really get things off on the right foot. It may seem as if some spontaneity is taken away but in reality, it is liberating.

i am a bottom line type of person. i'd rather cut to the chase and get the dealbreaking questions out of the way. If there is something there that would stop me from going further, i'd rather know right away, and know that it won't go beyond dating if that, or end it completely. SO many times i ignored this step in relationships only to have the dealbreakers staring me in the face and me being angry about it.

So in the dating phase, i've learned not to make assumptions but to ask really hard questions and expect honesty. i have also learned that not everyone can be taken at their word, but you have to start somewhere.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i am a bottom line type of person. i'd rather cut to the chase and get the dealbreaking questions out of the way. If there is something there that would stop me from going further, i'd rather know right away, and know that it won't go beyond dating if that, or end it completely. SO many times i ignored this step in relationships only to have the dealbreakers staring me in the face and me being angry about it.

So in the dating phase, i've learned not to make assumptions but to ask really hard questions and expect honesty. i have also learned that not everyone can be taken at their word, but you have to start somewhere.

This is the biggest pet peeve I have....beating around the bush and all the fucking drama. I'm a bottom line person too. Some people find me unsettling because I Sooooo cut to the chase and in the south it catches people off guard.

The word dating is kinda funny for me. It's more of a consideration. IF I think you will fit into my world I'll consider you and give you a chance to prove it. In exchange I'll give you a chance to know me and see if we are the right fit.

[Martina]

I will do service for someone after getting to know them some -- but only for events or short periods of time. This is to see what it is like with them. Nothing can substitute for actually being in service to someone. But, make no mistake, they are under consideration with me too. I don't put it that way. But if a bottom/sub is SURE she wants to serve someone without getting to know her better, then there is likely a problem. That or lightening struck and it's one of those relationships in a million. But for most of us, while the sub is being considered officially, the Dominant is being evaluated too. And that's as it should be.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Martina

I will do service for someone after getting to know them some -- but only for events or short periods of time. This is to see what it is like with them. Nothing can substitute for actually being in service to someone. But, make no mistake, they are under consideration with me too. I don't put it that way. But if a bottom/sub is SURE she wants to serve someone without getting to know her better, then there is likely a problem. That or lightening struck and it's one of those relationships in a million. But for most of us, while the sub is being considered officially, the Dominant is being evaluated too. And that's as it should be.

I think this is how all D/s relationships should be. I can't wrap my head around this instant slave shit. I have people in my life today who were once considered and we did bond as friends but never anything more. We will always share a different space then most friends. I won't invest into any type of relationship unless it is enduring even if it means friendship. People have made comment about how people come into my life and leave so quickly. I don't waste time with bullshit and will quickly move it out of my life. They also don't see all the wonderful people that remain friends for many years to come.

The biggest problem I see with meeting people is that they don't lay the cards on the table. If you're unsure of the course then just say so. I am never sure at first nor so I pretend to be. I leave everything pretty lighthearted and just pay attention.

I need to get back to work... lol I could easily get distracted today'

[Ms. Meander]

Originally Posted by Sachita

The word dating is kinda funny for me. It's more of a consideration. IF I think you will fit into my world I'll consider you and give you a chance to prove it. In exchange I'll give you a chance to know me and see if we are the right fit.

The word dating is kind of funny, now that you mention it. Like most things, people have their own definitions. Your post has made me think, more specifically, about what I mean by "dating" and what I expect from it. I expect this is something that will be evolving along with everything else.

At this point it is a term I use to define any romantic or sexual relationship where I am spending time with a person and we have not yet defined our relationship as anything more specific. It is the "getting to know you" period. I guess it is fair to say that one of my relationships has already evolved past dating because even though we have yet to clearly define ourselves we acknowledge our special connection, agree to pursue it, and she has renegotiated the terms of her primary relationship to allow for the possibility of my inclusion as a long-term partner.

At this time it behooves me to remain a largely independent entity. I don't need to be someone's primary partner, I don't want to move in. But I do want meaningful connections. It may suit me to have a more committed and defined relationship, and a lover or two with whom I have a good connection/friendship but we see each other less often and go on occasional dates. I think I might still call the latter, dating. Or maybe we would find another term for it if it becomes long-lasting. Good food for thought.

[Sachita]

Sam thats a good way to put it- meaningful connections. I think this is me today. I like the idea of owning and controlling a slave, for sure but I am interested in meaningful connections. I'm not a casual sex person but I can be very intimate with like humans who have something to offer instead of selfish agenda. I don't do well with humans who are are selfish and lack spiritual connections, whatever they chose to call them or how they express them

[Ms. Meander]

Being an ethical non-monogamist is not all fun a games, in case anyone is wondering. Although there are plenty of fun and games, there is also a good measure of work. Work on oneself, self-searching honesty and humility. Work on relationships and communication skills. Lots and lots of intention and implementation. Boundary discovery and establishment. Attention to feelings, needs, and desires - hers, hers, mine, her partner's - and the cat's.

It is work. I asked for it, and I am being given every opportunity to test my commitment to growth and change - the opportunity to walk my talk. And I am giving myself the opportunity to create the life I want, in open, meaningful relation to others.

I'm pleased with what I'm learning about myself, so far. And I am having a whole lot of fun along the way!

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

Being an ethical non-monogamist is not all fun a games, in case anyone is wondering. Although there are plenty of fun and games, there is also a good measure of work. Work on oneself, self-searching honesty and humility. Work on relationships and communication skills. Lots and lots of intention and implementation. Boundary discovery and establishment. Attention to feelings, needs, and desires - hers, hers, mine, her partner's - and the cat's.

It is work. I asked for it, and I am being given every opportunity to test my commitment to growth and change - the opportunity to walk my talk. And I am giving myself the opportunity to create the life I want, in open, meaningful relation to others.

I'm pleased with what I'm learning about myself, so far. And I am having a whole lot of fun along the way!

It is a lot of work no matter how simple or complex your relationships. In fact I was lying in my bed the other morning (I often wake up very early, light a candle, play music and think) at how much I've changed over the years. There's so many things about being single and a lone I really love. When I think about being in a relationship, especially the wrong relationship it freaks me out a little. I'm so comfortable in my own skin and with my own company that I question if its healthy. lol I love company and I'd love to be in love but honestly I wonder if that "right" person exist. My EX was a lot like me and it was really nice. We didn't always question each other and we both enjoyed our alone space and time together. We didn't have to make excuses or worry about stupid shit. Had she not cheated and lied to me I would have had the perfect partner. But I would have eventually come to some of the realizations I have this past year so maybe not.

I'm not sure how hard I'm willing to work anymore or how much BS I'm willing to endure for the sake of a relationship. I know it sounds like I;ve given up but I really haven't. I think for sure that I'd like an intelligent, strong, compassionate, well rounded partner and if they are not as submissive as I might like or need that they would be ok with me having slaves. I've thought about this long and hard lately. I could only ever be really sexually intimate (kissing on the mouth, fucking etc.) with one person, however I can play and have D/s relationships with others.

Again, I"m just looking and waiting for the right person(s). They would need to be very secure and self sufficient.

[Martina]

IMO, if any of this facilitates your personal growth, it's worth it. If you are in a committed relationship for life that at least is not tearing you down, it's worth it. If you are young and have massive amounts of bandwidth to spare and are having a hell of a great time, it's worth it.

Otherwise, it is TOO much work. Unless you just have play partners or are quite selfish. As I get older, I am less of a fan of poly -- for me. It's fine if the person in my life wants poly as long as the other people in her life don't fuck up my peace with their stoopid drama. I would rather go on a meditation retreat or go to a concert or travel. Getting old, I guess.

Plus my job is a people job. And truly I have already learned a lot about myself. I am not as interested in me as I used to be. All a function of age, I guess. No regrets. We change.

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

Being an ethical non-monogamist is not all fun a games, in case anyone is wondering. Although there are plenty of fun and games, there is also a good measure of work. Work on oneself, self-searching honesty and humility. Work on relationships and communication skills. Lots and lots of intention and implementation. Boundary discovery and establishment. Attention to feelings, needs, and desires - hers, hers, mine, her partner's - and the cat's.

It is work. I asked for it, and I am being given every opportunity to test my commitment to growth and change - the opportunity to walk my talk. And I am giving myself the opportunity to create the life I want, in open, meaningful relation to others.

I'm pleased with what I'm learning about myself, so far. And I am having a whole lot of fun along the way!

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Martina

IMO, if any of this facilitates your personal growth, it's worth it. If you are in a committed relationship for life that at least is not tearing you down, it's worth it. If you are young and have massive amounts of bandwidth to spare and are having a hell of a great time, it's worth it.

Otherwise, it is TOO much work. Unless you just have play partners or are quite selfish. As I get older, I am less of a fan of poly -- for me. It's fine if the person in my life wants poly as long as the other people in her life don't fuck up my peace with their stoopid drama. I would rather go on a meditation retreat or go to a concert or travel. Getting old, I guess.

Plus my job is a people job. And truly I have already learned a lot about myself. I am not as interested in me as I used to be. All a function of age, I guess. No regrets. We change.

amen! I'm totally with you Martina!

There are so many things that are important to me. I value all the things I've worked so hard to arrive at. Even the cartoon people that have come to work for me in the past few years.... now I am more careful about how I exchange energy. In fact most of the time lately I get up, bust my ass and do shit myself. There is a sense of pride and its liberating but I'm also not 20 any more and there aren't enough hours in the day. I'd love to have a housemate but worry that it will disrupt the tranquility I have here. Even the dogs feel it.

[MsM]

Poly is a tough nut for sure. I was poly for years, 12 to be exact, probably more than that without the label. I really thought it was my only option as I am so fluid that I never could find one person who met all those needs.

I needed a butch to my femme, a boy to my Lady, and a Daddy to my little girl. I'm not a switch when it comes to Dominance, but even I have my little moments where I want to be safe and protected. But as a very typical Scorpio, I'm sexually possessive, and struggle with jealousy once I'm intimate with someone and they are intimate with someone else.

I am blessed beyond belief to have found someone who fits all those niches in my head and I for her. I never thought there was someone like me out there. So at 40, I gave up poly and committed myself to a monogamous relationship. I've never been happier.

I still think poly can work, and have seen it work. I no longer believe it works (or ever worked) for me.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by MsMarla

I needed a butch to my femme, a boy to my Lady, and a Daddy to my little girl. I'm not a switch when it comes to Dominance, but even I have my little moments where I want to be safe and protected. .

If I found that all in one person I would commit to monogamy. Lucky you!

[MsM]

Originally Posted by Sachita

If I found that all in one person I would commit to monogamy. Lucky you!

Very lucky! It was funny when we met we both kept trying to stick to the role we were 'supposed' to be. Then we started slowly seeing other traits that we knew matched our 'other' traits. It was a lot of fun realizing we needed to throw out every rule book we ever had in our heads and make new ones, just for us.

Love that boy! This weekend is our 1 year anniversary.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by MsMarla

Very lucky! It was funny when we met we both kept trying to stick to the role we were 'supposed' to be. Then we started slowly seeing other traits that we knew matched our 'other' traits. It was a lot of fun realizing we needed to throw out every rule book we ever had in our heads and make new ones, just for us.

Love that boy! This weekend is our 1 year anniversary.

You know its so cool when you meet highly evolved spirits who are fluid and move easily. I am a complex woman and although strong and stubborn I have many aspects to my nature. It's so refreshing to meet people who are flexible and have a sense of adventure. Life is ever changing and moving. This is why I hate labels. I could never fit in one nor would I want to,

[Ms. Meander]

I am not so young (40), nor do I have massive amounts of energy to spare (chronic fatigue). I do not think I am naive, but optimistic and hopeful that I am whole enough, and have the skills to create with intention the sort of relationships which will suit my needs best. The "wild card" in this endeavor for me is the other people, their baggage and ability to meet me where I am. It requires of me to be very solid in myself - to be open, honest, and loving yet somehow retain a bit of a thick skin. As a sensitive, empathic, intuitive Cancerian, I have historically been easily hurt. So I am finding it to be a good deal of work and energy spent getting to a different place.

However, there are two major goals being accomplished in all of this for me that really make it worth the effort. First of all, my personal growth is being furthered. I have the opportunity to break old patterns; to set boundaries, state needs, and finally to be assertive and confident, expecting others to respect me where I am with no guilt or shame. So even though it can be a bit tiring getting comfortable with the “new me” and pushing outside of my previously held comfort zones, the pay-off is huge. I feel like this part of things will become less work and more second nature as I become more practiced.

Secondly, as a person who requires gross amounts of space and alone time, it may seem counter-intuitive for me to try to maintain multiple relationships. But because there are as many definitions of poly as there are practitioners, I can try to create something that works for me. Right now it works extremely well for me to have two lovers who each live about an hour and a half away from me (in different directions). They are turning into meaningful connections which feed me in different ways but no one is demanding of all my time. There are plenty of phone calls and emails in between but it is working out to 2 or 3 dates per month (lasting from 24-48hrs). No one is demanding of all of my time and I have plenty of space. I get to have these connections with two very different people who bring unique experiences to me, and still have all the time and space I require for myself. This is what works for me right now. Also keeping in mind that my needs and desires may shift in time.

There have already been some bumps around other people’s insecurities that I have handled quite well, I think (after recovering from my initial surprise). I know I have grown and learned much in just a short period of time. I know also that more challenges will pop up and I will handle them as well, ever keeping an eye on the ratio of effort put out vs. benefits gained. Right now, I am pleased. And proud. And only occasionally worn out.

[Ms. Meander]

Originally Posted by Ms. Meander

it is working out to 2 or 3 dates per month (lasting from 24-48hrs)

It may actually be looking more like 4 "dates" per month. I wonder if that is too much? I guess I'll find out.

One thing is for certain: I'm spending way more time on mani/pedi's

[DanzAmazon]

I know I've come into the middle of the convo, but I just had to say that I couldn't agree more. If I found all those attributes in one person, I certainly would consider monogamy, but I would also be quite suspicious of the "too good to be true". Thanks for sharing all.

Originally Posted by Sachita

If I found that all in one person I would commit to monogamy. Lucky you!

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by kannon

I was in a poly relationship with a woman and her boyfriend. It was great at first. They were together and invited me into their relationship. He and I were not physical but we were really good friends. He was okay with sharing, however, he had one requirement - she and I not engage in any sexual activity unless he was present. After about 6 months, we had sex while he was out of the house. Somehow, he knew. He demanded she break off the relationship with me. She had developed strong feelings for me and couldn't do it. They broke off their relationship and I had her all to myself, which was fine with me.

I think he would have been okay with the arrangement if he had continued to feel in control of her emotions and behavior. As long as her relationship with me was just sexual then it was okay with him. Once he realized that she developed deeper feelings for me he freaked.

That may be the secret for many poly relationships. If there are 2 primary members then they must feel secure and trust each other. I'm not sure how they would respond if one starts to develop feelings for another member. That has to happen frequently - developing deeper feelings for someone you are sleeping with.

One thing I've learned about poly relationships is that one person can't make the rules for the entire group unless everyone is TRULY and HONESTLY okay with that dynamic and the rules that are put in place. Once those rules stop being okay for anyone, they need to speak up immediately. In your case it sounds like the boyfriend made the rules, and you and the girlfriend were probably okay with that in the beginning because it was exciting and new and you were happy with what you were getting. But your decision to cross that boundary when he wasn't around indicates that you obviously weren't okay with that boundary.

To your other point, I'm aware of many relationships where "sex is fine as long as emotions don't develop." That's another boundary that doesn't work - people will or won't develop feelings, but that's up to each individual - it isn't up to someone else to dictate whether or not that happens. They can try, but nobody can truly control someone else's emotions.