What are your three non-negotiables (in a relationship)?

[imperfect_cupcake]

No, not a troll. But attention seeking and has a touch of RADA (Royal Acadamy for the Dramatic Arts) flare....

One thing I have noticed is that some of the most dramatic butches I have ever dated accused me of drama whenever I was calling them on their shit or bringing up something that I was dealing with. Whenever it was their issue or their bringing up subjects, not surprisingly, it was no longer considered drama.

I pretty much now consider that word to be provocative and looking to cause an arguement in order to be proved right. That's like calling someone over-sensitive and if they chose to get defensive, then you can say "look, see you are getting irate already!" It is a manipulative trick that people use to derail a discussion of hand.

feminine is often equated with: bitchiness, drama, over-sensitivity, manipulative, irrational, over-emotional, petty, over-complicated, and gossips.

so just by having a feminine countinance I am pre judged of having these traits and to some people no matter what comes out of my mouth, they will view me through that glass. If someone with a masculine gender accent speaks the same words, suddenly it's not.

I don't personally like being told that I'm just like everyone who has a slightly feminine expression is like before even opening my mouth. "femmes are...." can very easily replaced with "gays are..." "women are...." "queers are...."

cause we are taking ONE attribute (be it sexuality or gender accent) and applying it to mean hundreds of other personality traits.

My butch partners have ALL cried more than I do. They have ALL been more afraid of bugs than me. They have ALL loved babies more than me (please don't give me one. I am that awkward person that sits with it looking terrified) but that has more to do with the kind of people I choose to be with, than an an entire global gender. And it may be just my expereince but I know that not every single butch out there is a soppy, bug fearing, baby loving, attention seeking prince.

I just tend to like certain types of people within that gender group and thus wind up getting other predictable traits with it.

If you don't want any drama in your life at all, and I've had plenty sobbing, chest pounding, hair ripping, finger pointing, nagging, drunk at 3am banging on my window, waking up the neighbours, saying inappropriate things to my mom, etc butch persons, it's not just the realm of femme that can throw a spectacular fit... *eyeball roll*....some of the best of the best have been from a butch in my life.... then stay single and don't have many relationships with people, including and avoid public dealings. People have emotions. Avoid them. And don't have any yourself.

[Martina]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

One thing I have noticed is that some of the most dramatic butches I have ever dated accused me of drama whenever I was calling them on their shit or bringing up something that I was dealing with. Whenever it was their issue or their bringing up subjects, not surprisingly, it was no longer considered drama.

I pretty much now consider that word to be provocative and looking to cause an argument in order to be proved right. That's like calling someone over-sensitive and if they chose to get defensive, then you can say "look, see you are getting irate already!" It is a manipulative trick that people use to derail a discussion of hand.

If someone in their personal ad or in the very early stages of dating says, "no drama," I consider it a big red flag and seriously consider giving them a pass. I have found that the people who say "no drama" actually seem to be the biggest drama queens.

Re the other stuff, I have found that a small percentage of butches who are attracted to femmes don't actually like us. They are angry because of rejection or whatever. Or maybe they would just prefer to hang out with their buds for the most part, but they need sex and some kind of domestic life, I guess, so they enter relationships with femmes. I don't see many of these folks, but I have met a few. Definitely people to avoid.

[imperfect_cupcake]

" Or maybe they would just prefer to hang out with their buds for the most part, but they need sex and some kind of domestic life, I guess, so they enter relationships with femmes."

yeah... I dunno. I've met those and it's usually they don't want to hang out at all, except to go to the pub or a party with and come over for sex and breckfast. I find those relationships didn't evolve because I don't want to play sports/watch sports with them and sports was their life. They need a femme teammate. But I also watched those ones screw around with each other's gf's off the rugby pitch. HEAPS of drama. That's the other thing, loads and loads of shit stirring and trouble making (drama) and it only becomes "drama" when they are caught doing something shitty and have to answer to it.

I personally avoid "Drama" as in the RADA version, by avoiding shit stirers, drinkers and people addicted to fast commitments and romance now. My life is far, far more peaceful. Do I get into arguments? Sure!! I'm no carpet. But these days I say something once and once only- after that I leave.

[Tony]

Simply said:
Dishonesty.
Cheating.
Emotionally unavailable.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by Tony

Simply said:
Dishonesty.
Cheating.
Emotionally unavailable.

Totally agree

[C0LLETTE]

1.Life is short so if you haven't managed to create an interesting life for yourself, don't expect me to create or provide one for you

2. Don't constantly rehash stuff that I thought we both agreed was resolved long ago. I probably can't remember it; it isn't worth remembering; or you're just trying to push my buttons and I find that kind of behaviour abusive...particularly the second time round.

3. You better like my kids and they better like you.

[SirenManda]

Pretty simple:

Have compassion for those around you.
Be honest even when it hurts me.
Support OUR goals, no one gets ahead if one of us is behind.

[Christina]

1. Understand that I am old enough for the truth to hurt… so don’t lie!

2. Understand that when you cheat on me… You cheat on US!

3. Understand that the things you projected to capture my heart are the things that will keep it… don’t pretend to be anyone but your true self…

[Femmadian]

I think this list will invariably change and expand depending on where you are in your life, but for me at the moment:

1) Supportive of my dreams and ambitions. I don't like feeling like I'm in competition with my partner or that I'm getting little condescending "awww, how cute" head-pats when I describe how ambitious I am. I have a lot of goals, (hopefully) a long life ahead of me, and yes, a long way to get there. I want someone who will help build me up while I work towards them, someone who will be in my corner when I need them. I can't abide by someone who just wants to tear me down or domesticate/tame me. I deserve better.

2) A kind heart. Regularly walk by homeless people without even acknowledging their humanity? Think it's foolish that I took in a starving stray and her six kittens? Describe all your exes as "crazy" or clueless or heartless b*tches? Move along.

3) The ability to see the many shades of grey. Life isn't all black and white, sometimes morality and the choices people have to make are relative, and you, my dear, are as fallible as the rest of us. No use in stating your moral superiority and pointing the finger all the time... When people look back at the advice you gave or the support you offered during a difficult time in their lives, I want them to look back on you fondly and I want you to make me proud to call you mine. :-)

[SaltyButch]

Three non-negotiables other than some obvious ones already mentioned;

Communication: If you are not able to express yourself or what your needs are or understand my need for communication, it's not going to work.

Explorative: I am always seeking knowledge, so would want someone that feels the same no matter the subject.

Caring: In relation to herself,me and those people and things around us.

[Stud_puppy1991]

1. Don't ever expect me to be anything other than myself. In other words, don't get involved with me if you aren't ready or willing to be with me as me. If you are just wanting me to be your mold and be what you want, forget it.

2. Don't manipulate me or control me in any aspect. I am not someone's pet, and I won't have a leash. I also will not have someone tell me how I need to be or how to go about things. And honestly, it isn't going to work.

3. Don't play games with me. If something is an issue to you, tell me. If I make you unhappy or uncomfortable, let me know. Don't lead me on or play me for a fool, because I will find out. No matter what it is, always come to me.

[Genesis]

my eight non-negotiables in a relationship are:

1. Integrity,
2. Self-respect,
3. Pro-active communication,
4. Versatility: knowing how to move and dance with life and all the turns
and twists that come with it.
5. Love and live life to it's fullest potential.
6. Love to dance, travel and be a life long learner.
7. Must love to taste and try new foods.
8. Playful sense of humor.

[Azreley]

Three? I actually only have two that are very important to me. It's a must that they have to be completely HONEST no matter how bad it is. Another must is that they must be RESPECTFUL.

Those are actually all that I need. HONESTY and RESPECT.

Makes me wonder if some people can put that together. Can they be honest about something bad and be respectful at the same time? Anything is possible. Right?

[VintageFemme]

A strong heart.

Honesty.

Musically literate [while this may seem pretty weak, it is not without merit & much like one's shoe style, or the question... if you could be a car, which car would you be? ...is very telling.]

A fine rack ...I never said I wasn't easy!

Deconstruct visual art and articulate what you think about any given visual media.

The ability to harmonise and pick out the oddest harmonies alongside me keeping the melody strong.
Whoever warbles first loses!

[imperfect_cupcake]

I kinda go with that assumption that honesty, integrity and all The general whatsits are a given. Surely, who would NOT pick those as fairly basic.

But beyond that I need things. I have tried to be with very nice people who are unable to provide certain other things and noatter what, I can't do it. Honesty, respect, love, integrity is really not enough. I need sexual compatibility, similar humour, playfulness, intelligence, the ability to banter, a thicker skin, someone who either an atheist or their spiritual life does not need to be shared within the relationship. Someone who isn't at the mercy of their moods. I cannot date borderline personality or.certain kinds of OCD because it sets off my own shit too much. Someone who is not capricious or mercurial. Who has similar values to mine in most, though not all, things. And who's politics ate at least similar or our values will be too different.

Also they have to love conversation. That's a biggie for me.

They have to want similar things from a relationship or it won't work.

So I have quite a few things above and beyond the basic stuff everyone has as necessary to make a commitment to someone.

Mainly because if I do make another commitment, I hope it's the last one. And I'm not going to be too keen on emotionally investing in things that I know from experience don't work for me.

[cinnamongrrl]

an open mind....with a willingness to explore all that the universe has to offer

emotionally available

willingness to be physically active

[Cole]

1. Must love cats
2. Honest/trustworthy
3. Acceptance for who I am as a person - don't try and change me!

[Martina]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Someone who isn't at the mercy of their moods.

Yup.

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Also they have to love conversation. That's a biggie for me.

Me, too.

[gotoseagrl]

Yes, to like kitties, or at least puppies is a must.

~ Honesty
~ Good sense of humor
~ Old school D/g dynamic