Modern Manners - Facebook et al

[adorable]

Facebook simply doesn't work at any level for dating. I'm not even so sure it's great for relationships. There are lots of reasons I don't like it. The picture you get of someone, that's real of course, (I have plenty of gaming friends on there who have accounts for their dog or cat) can be exciting or you can start to see things. You see thier world, but you can't interpret it. There isn't enough of the right information that dating gives you. I would also say that with someone that you're dating, that it's way too much accessibility to your life. (imo) At least from a romantic standpoint. Not old fashioned dating for sure. Dating, or relational development, is difficult with so many means of communication. The idea that you should have access like that is a newer one, I think. Romance in found the mysterious and in surprise. In longing. Not in knowing they just bought a blender.

[genghisfawn]

Originally Posted by adorable

[COLOR="Green"]Why do you care if “she” knows that hy is dating other people since you told him you were happy being single? I think you showed your hand when hys online “relationship” bothered you.

Thanks for your reply!

I wish I could explain what I was actually feeling... when I asked hym to be fair and tell her that hy was seeing other people, it was because hy was complaining to me about her clinginess but also hadn't told her about me or anyone else. So, because I was unimpressed by this disingenuity, I asked hym to at least talk to her and clarify that hy was seeing other people. I was rather upset - I even excused myself very nicely and went home to think.

I started the thread mainly because I wanted to know if this Facebook passive-aggression was common. It's never happened to me because I've been in relationships while Facebook was gaining popularity, and I'm just stymied by how much importance people lend it in everyday life.

[girl_dee]

modern day Dear Jane/John letters...

People either have it in their character to be respectful or they don't.

[adorable]

Originally Posted by genghisfawn

Thanks for your reply!

I wish I could explain what I was actually feeling... when I asked hym to be fair and tell her that hy was seeing other people, it was because hy was complaining to me about her clinginess but also hadn't told her about me or anyone else. So, because I was unimpressed by this disingenuity, I asked hym to at least talk to her and clarify that hy was seeing other people. I was rather upset - I even excused myself very nicely and went home to think.

I started the thread mainly because I wanted to know if this Facebook passive-aggression was common. It's never happened to me because I've been in relationships while Facebook was gaining popularity, and I'm just stymied by how much importance people lend it in everyday life.

Oh, I think most of us have been there with not being able to explain what we are feeling. I think what I have tried to embrace is exactly that. Fighting it seems, well, pointless. It really is ok if I can't explain it. More will be revealed. Always.

I can be guilty of outsmarting myself sometimes. This is why facebook is not so great when you are into someone. The risk is in revealing too much or wanting to know more. Passive-aggressiveness when it comes to dating is common because it's very much a cat and mouse game. Outright aggression is frowned upon, that is why we refer to it as "the dance." Yet, unless we are aggressive somehow, or have some sort of strategy, we will never get what we really want. The trick is in knowing when to risk and what. Being good at poker, or chess, (or a war historian) comes in handy.

Having conversations like the one you described is more like baiting, or hym trying to force your hand. Kind of a high school tactic on hys part, but everyone isn't working at the same skill level. lol.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Hollylane

Edited to add...I do think it is possible to fall in love via electronic communication, in the same way it was possible to fall in love in the days of yore via romantic handwritten letters.

Originally Posted by chai~

I agree with this in the sense of the mind being a powerful sexual organ, and for me, it all starts in my brain.

Words chosen carefully, inuendo, intrigue. Deep conversations, idea's and opinions discussed. To me, all important stuff.

Physical attraction can be just that, superficial and shallow.

I would rather be someone's friend first with stuff to talk about, then to jump into some relationship with a person who doesn't tweek my mind.

I agree. For me, my brain needs to be engaged...and I need that mental connection as much as I need the emotional and physical one....possibly more.

If I feel like you (general you) don't understand me, or I don't understand you, or we can't talk....no amount of physical connection or attraction is going to override that. The times when I have let the physical connection override my brain have ultimately ended badly...because a vital connection is missing.

So yes.....it's possible to be emotionally engaged, and fall in love, without having seen that person in the flesh. Then, the physical meeting and connection is a confirmation (or not) of where my brain already is.

Having a complete relationship with no physical contact at all? No, not for me. I would not be satisfied with a purely virtual relationship.

For me, a relationship needs all three....mind, body, and spirit/emotion.


Now....on the subject of manners....pffftttt.....I deleted my Facebook page entirely. I found it to be a source of unneeded drama in my life.

[SweetJane]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Having a complete relationship with no physical contact at all? No, not for me. I would not be satisfied with a purely virtual relationship.

Absolutely, JustJo. You have to meet in real time. You can be played, lied to, or misrepresented to in the virtual world. Even with Skype and other video chats, you can still miss something vital that you will not see in real time.

Yes, the brain engages first for me. Intelligence, genuine interest in me (and vice versa), and some spark of attraction has to be there. But even the best romances on paper or cyber space can't hold up to that first physical meeting. And even then, you have to do the dance. You have to ask questions, listen, and reply honestly.