Dating vs. Mating

Kobi · 01-15-2011, 11:19 AM

At breakfast today, a group of us over 50 were discussing
the type of person
we are dating and why.
The results surprised me:

1. The type of person one dates when dating for fun
is almost diametrically different from the type one would date
when looking to mate.

Fun daters are looking for excitement,
exploration, differences, and variety.

Maters are looking for
commonalities, stability, centeredness, and monogamy.

2. Within our group, most were looking for fun rather than a mate.
Fun was equated with freedom. Mating was equated with responsibility.

So, I'm wondering what other peoples experience/preferences might be.

Soft*Silver · 01-15-2011, 01:36 PM

Interesting, Kobi. I know I have gone into relationships looking to mate. I wanted a long term stable family setting. I assumed who I was with, wanted this also. In fact, I always spend a great deal of time in the courtship stage discussing what we want out of a relationship. Unfortunately, not everyone knows what they want or is capable of achieving what they want. Me included. No finger pointing that isnt also pointed at me as well. Its why I remain single.

Starbuck · 01-15-2011, 02:09 PM

Interesting thread, Kobi! No matter the relationship I've been in, I've 9 times out of 10 been a I guess what you'd call a "mater"... looking for the one. The one time it was just for fun, it just didn't feel right. I guess that could preclude me from having some fun if I'm not actively in an active relationship. Who knows, maybe I just need to get to know more people and get out there more.

citybutch · 01-15-2011, 02:36 PM

When I met my wife I was ONLY into dating... fun, play, sex, no strings... Little did I know we would mate... It took YEARS for me to catch on... Even though I knew I loved her within a year of meeting... We weren't ready to get married until YEARS later. Both of us acknowledge that.

For ME, I think one should date and not necessarily look for a mate. The mating part only comes after a period of time after you get to know each other. My wife and I are truly married in all aspects. If something ever happened to her, and we have discussed this, I wouldn't be interested in another mate. Not at my age. We are a perfect "fit"... and I am not interested in any other... There are too many OTHER things in life to experience...

SaltyButch · 01-15-2011, 03:13 PM

Interesting thread, I know that I am a relationship person, always have been. But over the course of the years I have found that at different times I needed different things, and it was this that determined the person I was attracted to at that time.

Now, also being over 50, I find that I would most definitely like the next relationship to be the last, will it be, one can only hope, but if it isn't I know that the parameters of what I am looking for will not change because at this stage of my life, I am looking to mate.

I think the difference for me is that the person I'm looking for, incorporates all of the fun aspects of the "date" based on the definiton listed here and all the characteristics I desire in a mate. The key is knowing what you want and what you need and not waivering.

Fortunately for me as I write this, I have a wonderful woman in my life our commonalities are many and our values the same. So here's hoping that my journey in one aspect has ended and another begins.

Lynn · 01-15-2011, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kobi

At breakfast today, a group of us over 50 were discussing
the type of person
we are dating and why.
The results surprised me:

1. The type of person one dates when dating for fun
is almost diametrically different from the type one would date
when looking to mate.

Fun daters are looking for excitement,
exploration, differences, and variety.

Maters are looking for
commonalities, stability, centeredness, and monogamy.

2. Within our group, most were looking for fun rather than a mate.
Fun was equated with freedom. Mating was equated with responsibility.

So, I'm wondering what other peoples experience/preferences might be.

In a nutshell, at this point in my life, I am happy to be with a mate with whom I enjoy lots of excitement and fun. I don't feel that I lack freedom, since I am with someone who gives me lots of space to be. Even if I were single, I'd still value responsibility and centeredness. As long as I'm happy, I stay. And, as long as I stay, I am monogamous.

I was previously married (for 20 years) to someone who fit the "mate" description. We were horrible together, and not just because I turn out to be a lesbian.

Maybe the mistake was idealizing the notion of "mate" and trivializing the idea that commitment is best when enjoyed.

01-15-2011, 06:14 PM

I think I'm a bi-ater. I can do both dater and mater. If I'm single then I revel in it. If I'm attached then I'm wholeheartedly attached.

Laerkin · 01-15-2011, 07:46 PM

I'm a dater.

My current relationship and my last long-term relationship turned me into a mater, though at the start that wasn't the intent. LOL. Certainly not complaining or unhappy about it, but I rarely start a relationship looking for a mate. I'm just having fun and seeing where things go...and they either go or they don't.

Gemme · 01-15-2011, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kobi

At breakfast today, a group of us over 50 were discussing
the type of person
we are dating and why.
The results surprised me:

1. The type of person one dates when dating for fun
is almost diametrically different from the type one would date
when looking to mate.

Fun daters are looking for excitement,
exploration, differences, and variety.

Maters are looking for
commonalities, stability, centeredness, and monogamy.

2. Within our group, most were looking for fun rather than a mate.
Fun was equated with freedom. Mating was equated with responsibility.

So, I'm wondering what other peoples experience/preferences might be.

These friends wouldn't be the same ones that initiated your maturity thread, would they?

*grin*

I think that if you go into something, unless it's an arranged situation, specifically looking for a mate, you are setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment.

I tend to be a bit of a serial monogamist but I don't go into relationships thinking, "Oh, wow. I've found a husbutch" or that I've found my mate for life. I go into them thinking that I like this person and how they make me feel when I'm around them and maybe it would be cool to be around them more.

For me, the more complicated you make it, the worse it turns out.

01-15-2011, 11:19 AM	#1
Kobi Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Biological female. Lesbian. Relationship Status: Happy Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Hanging out in the Atlantic. Posts: 9,234 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,840 Thanked 34,662 Times in 7,652 Posts Rep Power: 21474860	Dating vs. Mating At breakfast today, a group of us over 50 were discussing the type of person we are dating and why. The results surprised me: 1. The type of person one dates when dating for fun is almost diametrically different from the type one would date when looking to mate. Fun daters are looking for excitement, exploration, differences, and variety. Maters are looking for commonalities, stability, centeredness, and monogamy. 2. Within our group, most were looking for fun rather than a mate. Fun was equated with freedom. Mating was equated with responsibility. So, I'm wondering what other peoples experience/preferences might be. __________________

01-15-2011, 01:36 PM	#2
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,505 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,436 Thanked 15,627 Times in 3,978 Posts Rep Power*: 21474856	Interesting, Kobi. I know I have gone into relationships looking to mate. I wanted a long term stable family setting. I assumed who I was with, wanted this also. In fact, I always spend a great deal of time in the courtship stage discussing what we want out of a relationship. Unfortunately, not everyone knows what they want or is capable of achieving what they want. Me included. No finger pointing that isnt also pointed at me as well. Its why I remain single. __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

01-15-2011, 02:09 PM	#3
Starbuck Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Soft Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Oklahoma City Posts: 2,436 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,378 Thanked 2,148 Times in 756 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Fun v/s Mater Interesting thread, Kobi! No matter the relationship I've been in, I've 9 times out of 10 been a I guess what you'd call a "mater"... looking for the one. The one time it was just for fun, it just didn't feel right. I guess that could preclude me from having some fun if I'm not actively in an active relationship. Who knows, maybe I just need to get to know more people and get out there more. __________________ To forgive is to set the prisoner free, And then discover the prisoner was you.

01-15-2011, 02:36 PM	#4
citybutch Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: I answer to "hey you" (either works for me!) Relationship Status: 19 years together- Very Married for 10 years Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: San Diego Posts: 556 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 835 Thanked 1,196 Times in 355 Posts Rep Power: 6220116	Great idea for a thread! When I met my wife I was ONLY into dating... fun, play, sex, no strings... Little did I know we would mate... It took YEARS for me to catch on... Even though I knew I loved her within a year of meeting... We weren't ready to get married until YEARS later. Both of us acknowledge that. For ME, I think one should date and not necessarily look for a mate. The mating part only comes after a period of time after you get to know each other. My wife and I are truly married in all aspects. If something ever happened to her, and we have discussed this, I wouldn't be interested in another mate. Not at my age. We are a perfect "fit"... and I am not interested in any other... There are too many OTHER things in life to experience... __________________ Take care of your body, take care of your health... You never know when the walls cave in and it all changes for good.

01-15-2011, 03:13 PM	#5
SaltyButch Member How Do You Identify?: Old School Butch Preferred Pronoun?: he/she/hey you..... Relationship Status: open to the possibilities Tournaments Won: 5 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: mississauga ontario canada Posts: 345 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 432 Thanked 1,635 Times in 301 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Interesting thread, I know that I am a relationship person, always have been. But over the course of the years I have found that at different times I needed different things, and it was this that determined the person I was attracted to at that time. Now, also being over 50, I find that I would most definitely like the next relationship to be the last, will it be, one can only hope, but if it isn't I know that the parameters of what I am looking for will not change because at this stage of my life, I am looking to mate. I think the difference for me is that the person I'm looking for, incorporates all of the fun aspects of the "date" based on the definiton listed here and all the characteristics I desire in a mate. The key is knowing what you want and what you need and not waivering. Fortunately for me as I write this, I have a wonderful woman in my life our commonalities are many and our values the same. So here's hoping that my journey in one aspect has ended and another begins.

01-15-2011, 06:14 PM	#7
Daktari Guest Tournaments Won: 1 Posts: n/a My Photo Gallery	I think I'm a bi-ater. I can do both dater and mater. If I'm single then I revel in it. If I'm attached then I'm wholeheartedly attached.

01-15-2011, 07:46 PM	#8
Laerkin Member How Do You Identify?: Girlie with a touch of bossy Preferred Pronoun?: She, but not hung up on the details Relationship Status: Parenting our furry family with SmoothButch Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Washington DC Posts: 385 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 772 Thanked 963 Times in 257 Posts Rep Power: 4366970	I'm a dater. My current relationship and my last long-term relationship turned me into a mater, though at the start that wasn't the intent. LOL. Certainly not complaining or unhappy about it, but I rarely start a relationship looking for a mate. I'm just having fun and seeing where things go...and they either go or they don't.