Permission to propose - Page 2

QueenofSmirks · 09-02-2012, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The JD

What would you have done if the answer had been no?

I think that's what I'm having trouble wrapping my head around...

I assume most people who do follow this ritual are already certain the answer is going to be "yes", so probably not much real risk there.

Okiebug61 · 09-02-2012, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Maybe i am not as old fashioned as i like to think, but the thought of someone asking (only) my father to marry me seems pre-historic, to me.

i just could never conform to the whole father walking me down the aisle thing and *giving* me away, as if i am his property.

i know others i am sure embrace this sort of ritual, but for me i find it archaic, especially since the mother of the bride (and groom) is excluded basically from the entire sacrament.

Edited to add, if someone really knew me they would also know i would find it insulting to ask anyone's permission to marry me.

I am 150% behind you on this.

macele · 09-02-2012, 10:41 AM

i don't want to do anything that looks heterosexual when it comes to a relationship. some things are obviously a must. but asking a father, or mother, ... to marry? i don't think so. i just don't want the marriage thing, ... set up for man and woman, ... husband and wife. they don't want me to have it, ... why the hell should i want it! keep it. if "we" decide to "marry", i don't want heterosexual people there lol.

BullDog · 09-02-2012, 11:05 AM

Everyone has the right to choose which traditions they will follow and what fits in with their extended family dynamics.

This particular tradition of asking the father (only) for permission isn't something that feels good to me. For me it harkens to a time when women didn't get to make their own choices about who they could marry, and women had to defer to men being head of household and making all the important decisions without the wife/mother having input.

So for me, no, I wouldn't follow this even if I could.

The_Lady_Snow · 09-02-2012, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

So Steph, is Amanda going to request your hand in marriage to your parental units?

Steph!!!!! I see you!!!

What say you?

stephfromMIT · 09-02-2012, 11:43 AM

I sought her Dad's permission.

(I mentioned this in the OP)

Corkey · 09-02-2012, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

I sought her Dad's permission.

(I mentioned this in the OP)

Snow wants to know if Amanda is going to ask your dad...

stephfromMIT · 09-02-2012, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corkey

Snow wants to know if Amanda is going to ask your dad...

No. See my previous post.

Okiebug61 · 09-02-2012, 11:58 AM

What if her dad had said no?

stephfromMIT · 09-02-2012, 12:00 PM

Good question Okie! We probably would've married without their economic support.

Ginger · 09-02-2012, 12:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog

Everyone has the right to choose which traditions they will follow and what fits in with their extended family dynamics.

This particular tradition of asking the father (only) for permission isn't something that feels good to me. For me it harkens to a time when women didn't get to make their own choices about who they could marry, and women had to defer to men being head of household and making all the important decisions without the wife/mother having input.

So for me, no, I wouldn't follow this even if I could.

Voice of reason.

Exactly.

Ginger · 09-02-2012, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

Good question Okie! We probably would've married without their economic support.

Do you mean "will marry" without their economic support? I thought the marriage was in the future. Just trying to keep the narrative straight, no pun intended.

Ginger · 09-02-2012, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

Good question Okie! We probably would've married without their economic support.

This is an interesting answer to Okie's question asking if you would have married without your partner's dad's approval.

Ginger · 09-02-2012, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soon

No lover would ever think to ask anyone's "permission" (not even a word I would use) but mine when it comes to sharing a life together.

I so feel the same way. I think the presence of family at life's major turning points and rituals is a good thing, but I never awaited their approval or permission to make my life choices.

Okiebug61 · 09-02-2012, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stephfromMIT

Good question Okie! We probably would've married without their economic support.

Economic support, ah OK so this is very traditional. The parents of the bride are paying for the wedding. Are you paying for the honeymoon?

spritzerJ · 09-02-2012, 12:19 PM

I think that IF I was ever going to marry again...
I would not ask Stoney's mom and hy probably wouldn't ask my mom.

marriage is not going to happen... 'cause the whole marriage thing I've tried several ways. And I've managed to stick to 1 contract in my life. That was the donor contract. So I'm thinking I'll end up with a contract like that or something just ours.

However,
I do however think it would be humorous to listen to the moms talk to each other about us formalizing a commitment. Because sometimes when hy and I talk about our mothers they are very alike. And if I had my sense of humor and a suit of armor on it could be really funny.

Words · 09-02-2012, 12:20 PM

I thought there were going to be two brides, no? I seem to remember Steph said something in another thread about calling each other wife after they're married...Steph, is that correct?

Words

stephfromMIT · 09-02-2012, 12:20 PM

Scout-You're right, the wedding hasn't happened. What I meant was: the wedding would happen, even without the economic support of my future in-laws.

stephfromMIT · 09-02-2012, 12:21 PM

Words-You are absolutely right! I will be her wife, and she will be mine.

Words · 09-02-2012, 12:24 PM

Thanks Steph...just didn't want to fall into the trap of assuming that because you wear men's underwear etc, you consider yourself the groom/husband

Words

09-02-2012, 11:05 AM	#24
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,782 Times in 4,469 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Everyone has the right to choose which traditions they will follow and what fits in with their extended family dynamics. This particular tradition of asking the father (only) for permission isn't something that feels good to me. For me it harkens to a time when women didn't get to make their own choices about who they could marry, and women had to defer to men being head of household and making all the important decisions without the wife/mother having input. So for me, no, I wouldn't follow this even if I could. __________________ Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. - Rainer Maria Rilke

09-02-2012, 11:58 AM	#29
Okiebug61 Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Light Butch Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Hitched to Red Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 1,528 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,261 Thanked 5,381 Times in 1,245 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	What if her dad had said no? __________________ "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawake." ~ Anatole France

09-02-2012, 10:41 AM	#23
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,238 Times in 849 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	i don't want to do anything that looks heterosexual when it comes to a relationship. some things are obviously a must. but asking a father, or mother, ... to marry? i don't think so. i just don't want the marriage thing, ... set up for man and woman, ... husband and wife. they don't want me to have it, ... why the hell should i want it! keep it. if "we" decide to "marry", i don't want heterosexual people there lol.

09-02-2012, 11:43 AM	#26
stephfromMIT Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Troll Preferred Pronoun?: she her Relationship Status: engaged to my fiancee Amanda Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: cambridge MA Posts: 230 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 703 Thanked 408 Times in 143 Posts Rep Power: 0	I sought her Dad's permission. (I mentioned this in the OP)

09-02-2012, 12:00 PM	#30
stephfromMIT Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Troll Preferred Pronoun?: she her Relationship Status: engaged to my fiancee Amanda Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: cambridge MA Posts: 230 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 703 Thanked 408 Times in 143 Posts Rep Power: 0	Good question Okie! We probably would've married without their economic support.

09-02-2012, 12:19 PM	#36
spritzerJ Timed Out - Permanent How Do You Identify?: Queer (gender), female (biological marker) Preferred Pronoun?: she will work as a default. Relationship Status: engaged to jac until 8/10/14 Join Date: Nov 2010 Location: Maine Posts: 3,154 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,307 Thanked 15,802 Times in 2,905 Posts Rep Power: 0	I think that IF I was ever going to marry again... I would not ask Stoney's mom and hy probably wouldn't ask my mom. marriage is not going to happen... 'cause the whole marriage thing I've tried several ways. And I've managed to stick to 1 contract in my life. That was the donor contract. So I'm thinking I'll end up with a contract like that or something just ours. However, I do however think it would be humorous to listen to the moms talk to each other about us formalizing a commitment. Because sometimes when hy and I talk about our mothers they are very alike. And if I had my sense of humor and a suit of armor on it could be really funny.

09-02-2012, 12:20 PM	#37
Words Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme submissive Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: UK Posts: 969 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,449 Thanked 4,261 Times in 677 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	I thought there were going to be two brides, no? I seem to remember Steph said something in another thread about calling each other wife after they're married...Steph, is that correct? Words

09-02-2012, 12:21 PM	#39
stephfromMIT Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Troll Preferred Pronoun?: she her Relationship Status: engaged to my fiancee Amanda Join Date: Aug 2012 Location: cambridge MA Posts: 230 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 703 Thanked 408 Times in 143 Posts Rep Power: 0	Words-You are absolutely right! I will be her wife, and she will be mine.

09-02-2012, 12:24 PM	#40
Words Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme submissive Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: UK Posts: 969 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,449 Thanked 4,261 Times in 677 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	Thanks Steph...just didn't want to fall into the trap of assuming that because you wear men's underwear etc, you consider yourself the groom/husband Words