Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[Angeltoes]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

Wow, that's hard. Makes me kinda of glad I was an ugly kid.

I do think that's a problem a lot of feminine women face. Society teaches us that our worth increases as people are attracted to us physically. It's bullshit, and I hope mothers aren't putting that crap in their daughter's heads these days. Too bad about the ones on Toddlers & Tiaras.

I was actually going to delete my comment because I think it came across wrong. You're right about Toddlers and Tiaras and the way parents sexualize and objectify their own daughters is sad.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

I was actually going to delete my comment because I think it came across wrong. You're right about Toddlers and Tiaras and the way parents sexualize and objectify their own daughters is sad.

I don't know how you meant it, but I think it's a very valid point, especially for femmes.

I was reading another thread about attraction and a butch talked about how much they liked a femme's long hair, and I'm thinking I used to be a short-haired femme when I was younger. In the last few years I grew it out just to see how I'd look with it. People would try to tell me I wasn't really femme. My short hair didn't match their idea of "femme". I was just as feminine (maybe more so) then as I am now, but my attractiveness was minimized in their eyes because they consider long hair "feminine". My short hair was super cute, but it was hard not to internalize that sense of being unattractive.

I see a lot of femmes and hetero women who, particularly as they age, strive for their younger or skinnier looks to the point of taking extreme measures, and it makes me sad. Because these are strong, smart, beautiful women who are measuring themselves against someone else's standard. I with there was a way to help people see their own beauty.

[bcelly1894]

My scar use to be distrust in people. But I have grown better at trusting others.
I Am Blessed to be good friends with my exes, If that helps to shed some light on my growth.

My scar now is expectation of proper actions in an acceptable time period.
Good old impatience.
Not in the woman wanting to be with me Or in moving in with me.
That doesnt happen right away, I always try to pick femmes who dont want to move in until a year has passed by at least.

My insecurity is not wanting to have my time wasted.
The way that I try not to let that interfere with my relationships, Is combined with how I let any femme interested in me know about my insecurities.
I had such a military attitude about code of conduct and how a person should act and behave in the manner that they say that they do, And not portray characters to me, Or pretend to be someone that they are not.

I was hurting myself alot then, and making myself weaker and less desireable with by becoming full of distrust, anger and impatience.
And in turn I wasnt respecting the woman that I was with.
We were just two good people who shouldnt be together. Not evil or mean women.

I ask a tremendous amount of questions to a woman that has interest in me, or I in her. That is part of my growth.

I was attracting the wrong type of femme for me.
So, In order to break that cycle,

I made a list of what is acceptable and what isnt acceptable for My life.
And then I ask those questions right away.
And if something doesnt match,
I stop myself Or I stop her from the pursuit of romantic interest.

I also did this so that I would not have the baggage of anger or distrust by Me, carrying over into my new relationship.

So, I make sure that Im honest with any femme that likes me romantically.
I keep the communication going by letting her ask me any question that she wants.
And then she decides if she can handle my baggage of impatience.

[Elishat]

I don't trust myself, and I'm terrified of being publicly embarrassed. These issues are holdover from high school and university/grad school. I had a few bad relationships and false friendships, plus I was intelligent, but people skills?...Not so much. I called it the foot in mouth syndrome... I also still had no clue about my sexuality.

When I meet someone I start double guessing myself, did that sound stupid? Was that silly to say? Was it rude? Am I boring them? What do I say next?? Will they think my interest in X is weird? Am I talking too much about myself? They are probably not interested anyway... I get so wrapped up in these doubts, I end up sabotaging myself. Or running away.

I've been working on this, and I have gotten better. A few more years, and working in jobs where I have to talk with various people have helped. But still, when I meet someone I'm really attracted to my old foot in mouth syndrome tends to come back... and the doubts. It's still a work in progress.

[Amber2010]

I always feel like running from relationships.
My problem is I want so much from it and get so disappointed when not even
half of it comes true.
Yes; people start by being attentive and loving and you feel the intimacy growing.
Then I become their caregiver. The one to wake them for work, cook the meals, clean the house, push sexual intimacy, and take care of all of their needs and not getting the same in return.
I have been told I give what I am wanting for myself and get disappointed when the partner doesn't come through for me and then blame them when most likely it is me and my expetations of what a relationship should be.
I do take most of the blame in a break up I am not someone who says it is all the other persons fault. Maybe I am looking for something that just can't be in a long run of a partnership.

I think I should try to stay on a friendship level and if there are benefits that would be a plus.
I may be too needy for most.

[thedivahrrrself]

So, how do you keep these things from impacting your current or future relationships?

What do you work on to make sure you aren't painting someone with someone else's brush? (bad metaphor, but I can't think of any good way to say it)

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For me, my scar equates more to a fear I have, which probably affects my behavior in ways I don't realize. Maybe I am always waiting for that moment when the other shoe drops. I know I am more cautious than I used to be.

I can be needy sometimes and push people away at others. I often wonder what it is that makes me react differently at different times. I don't trust other people to be able to handle my worst emotions or my pain, so I don't often share those things (but I'm working on it). I have no idea where that scar lies, but I'm sure there must be one there.


So these days, I work hard to be more rational. It's not always easy. I recognize that if someone stops loving me, there's probably nothing I can do to prevent that from happening, so I just have to enjoy the moments where I know I am loved. We never know what the future holds. Que sera, sera... right?

Sometimes easier said than done.

[morningstar55]

fear of .......

abandonment
dis respectfulness on our relationship
lack of honesty
hidden agendas
lack of communication

[Fatale]

Years ago I hired an emotional baggage porter and that has helped a lot. I let him do the heavy lifting so I'm free to do me.

I don't know that I can call my issue a scar, really, but I think it might scar and scare others. When I speak about it, perhaps because I'm femme, or particularly because I'm femme, I've actually had people say things akin to, "Wow, that's such a guy thing to say, think, feel, act." The simple truth is, I don't think I'm wired for the long haul. I don't foster fantasies about finding my one and only and spending the rest of our lives together. I don't think I want that. I'm okay with falling in love with someone even as I understand that it will likely be a finite thing. I learn from every relationship I have, each adds its threads to my tapestry and then I move on. I don't mean that to sound as scavengeresque as it might. Yes, growing with someone is a lovely thing. It can strenghten and deepen the relationship. I just don't want to do it for years and years with the same person. At least at this point in my life, that idea bores the fuck out of me. Does that make me seem callous, heartless, pity worthy? I don't know. While I think there's definitely something to be said for the whole "leave 'em wanting more" philosophy, it's neither my ambition or intent to leave forlorn lovers in my wake. I'm always up front about my feelings and were they to be honest about it, none of my exes would ever be able to say they didn't know my feelings on the topic. I truly believe I am a serial monogamist. After each parting I take time for myself because I also really dig being single for stretches.

Perhaps this will change in years to come, but right now I cannot imagine it.

[Mel C.]

Fear of abandonment. How does it play out in relationships? As a result, I withdraw, hold a little back so it doesn't hurt as bad when things go south. Knowing this, I have to work extra hard to allow myself to be open even though it makes me more vulnerable. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.

[Demure]

I've been single for 7 years as I made a promise to myself unless I can be honest about my needs or wants and able to say 'what about me' then I wasn't gonna date.

I am by nature a carer and giver which was taken for granted but it wasn't really their fault as it was a defence aspect on my part. Give them what they want so they won't need me. Sounds cold but I mean as I'm very protective of my own personal space emotionally, physically etc. But problem was it came back to bite me in the ass cus the odd times I said I wanted a hug the reply was well what about you? Shocked that I had asked. Example in a 3 and half year relationship I asked for a hug 5 times.

So still not dating as I can't allow someone to be close enough for me to relax with them

[Kätzchen]

I can totally relate to the term (s) describing "relationship PTSD (R-ptsd)."

I think that I still experience R-ptsd to an certain degree, but I think it's more like an acute awareness of things I won't tolerate or won't allow to have any place in my life.

Things that trigger my own type of R-ptsd are items related to potential dates or person's of interest who exhibit what I call exceptionally revolting behaviors: Behaviors exhibited which denote anything typically associated with addiction or control issues. For example.... manipulation, overt or covert deception, or anything that even has a whiff of 'red flag' status will trigger me to take flight and run in the opposite direction. I can certainly relate to Cheryl and cupcakes experiences in life.

There's this social expression that I whole heartedly believe in.... the saying about knowing a great love and that once you've experienced something so incredibly wonderful: Like, it's not something that is replicated in the same way, ever again, because that particular type of relationship experience is unique to the two people who shared that special love, in that particular time and space in which it developed.

I'd also like to say that I've been a member in this community for a number of years, ss well as a member in the prior dash community, because it's a place where I can share facets of my life, the way i think ...with other members... so we can communally explore our way of thinking or by private self reflection or by adopting ideas or rejecting ideas or by tempering our personal cosmos with ways to process our ideas and/or beliefs. Ideally, that's why I've been part of this online community.

I'm not here to find anyone or any some-such thing. If I want to date, there is plenty of opportunity among my own small groups of friendships (here at home) to do such a thing. I've accepted dates from people I've known for a really long time. Conversely, I rarely accept an date with anyone I hardly know.... if ever, nowadays.

But I so relate to the relationship PTSD dilemma. I'm always interviewing potential dates. I guess one could say I'm typically in "interview mode" -- mostly because of my extensive life experience in casually interviewing people, seeking information to help identify the exact nature of what end result they're after (professional trade)... Or by interviewing people to add toward a body of evidence (for example, an scholarly study).

I am compelled to add toward this particular sphere of ideas, as it relates to relationship PTSD, because I think there's an awful lot of us out there who share similar experience (s) in life.

I think it's safe to say that I definitely have an developed sense of acute awareness of relationship PTSD. It's a feral thing, in many ways, for me.

And, I'm okay with that. I don't consider my acute awareness as fear of .... anything. If anything, it just helps me to examine my own priorities and to know that it's healthy to know what works for me, to ensure my own sense of safety, my own sense of pleasure, my own sense of sexuality or any number of things I dwell upon in my own private cosmos.

[Bubala]

Trust issues.... I'm a closed book... When I was young I strongly believed that "whatever you let people know about you they can and WILL use against you...it's not the question of if, but rather a question of when!".

In general I am a very kind, happy, warm person towards those around me.
For some reason that results in people opening up to me inexplicably and effortlessly... and that can be heavy and scary!

Friends tell me the strangest secrets.
Butches cry... yes they do, G-d knows why...
It is so awkward.... at times I wish to ask - what is it am I that ugly??? lolol
Guess your answer... they'd keep on chasing me... and I'd rip them open just like that just by standing there and not saying anything.... I still do not understand what kind of horrible witchcraft is it that i posses to make everyone feel.... something so heavy... it scares me. I'm a good caregiver I guess. lol ...and they just want a hug? lol

I'm warm and kind and nurturing...yet I remain a closed book...
Even Thor does not know much of me... Hy has seen the most I was able to share... more than any other human being...yet it's far from cover to cover...

At times I am ashamed of my inability to trust my inability to connect...
Life is a cruel journey... I'm a survivor... I'm a runner... a forever a refugee, keep on running always keep on running... I chose to only trust partially to the one who could keep up and run with me!

I run as if my life still depended on it... any attempt to stop might be hard landing and I'm still not ready to accept the challenge of cracking in front of another human.

[introverted1]

Having emerged from a divorce seven months ago (I have the dubious distinction of being probably THE FIRST same sex divorce in my state!), I have to say...as unattractive as this sounds, I have a definite fear of abandonment.

While I've begun dating again, my new relationship is a long distance one, which feels a bit safer to me- like a new relationship with training wheels attached.

I know that my fears will ease eventually. This is part of being human...we all endure transitions in life that scar us, but those scars fade with time.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by introverted1

Having emerged from a divorce seven months ago (I have the dubious distinction of being probably THE FIRST same sex divorce in my state!), I have to say...as unattractive as this sounds, I have a definite fear of abandonment.

While I've begun dating again, my new relationship is a long distance one, which feels a bit safer to me- like a new relationship with training wheels attached.

I know that my fears will ease eventually. This is part of being human...we all endure transitions in life that scar us, but those scars fade with time.

I am right in the same boat as you, the fear of abandonment. I currently feel very abandonded by my ex, even though we still stay in contact but she is sending mixed signals.

[akiza]

i have insecurities i'm afraid that i won't love my partner enought loving someone takes time for me so my semi coldness may seems like i don't care but it's false just one of my wall of defense.i'm afraid to destroy a relation because of my fear and doubt i have to work on that also to forget myself in a relationship i'm not hard to live

[2qt]

I think I fear falling in love with someone again who is not on the same time zone as me.... Previous LDR/RLR was tough, the waiting, the expense of immigration visa's & the entire immigration process was gruelling & mentally exhausting... Personally for my relationship to not survive it has been a slap in the face & makes me wonder about myself, is it me? Am I expecting too much? wanting too much?,LDR's are they successful, and just love in general...

So I guess I need to acknowledge & face those fears & self doubts to understand why, so I don't lose the chance to meet the one that IS right for me in the clouded fog of failed relationships...